Happy 11th Birthday, JugaMan!!

Happy 11th birthday, Julian Pierce Prem Lalvani-Dudley!! It seems like just yesterday when I was sitting in my glider in your nursery with my hands on my belly dreaming of when I would finally hold you in my arms!! The years have flown by, and I am so grateful for all of our wonderful memories together.

The best, most important, gratifying and significant part of my life has been being your mommy; marveling at your strength, your mind, your creativity, your sense of fun and adventure, your sense of humor, and most importantly, that enormous kind, caring, loving heart of yours!

So in honor of your birthday, I have created a Top 11 list of Reasons that you are an EPIC 11 year old!! Here we go...

11. You are damn good looking!! (runs in the family on your maternal side! Teehee)

10. You are a very talented athlete. Any sport that you have tried, you've been blessed with natural athletic ability. I am so happy that you have found a passion for karate. And proud that you realize talent alone will not get you very far. I see how dedicated and consistent you are with attending class, practicing at home and helping develop and lead those students with lower ranks than you.

9. You are not a follower - and you never have been! You have always danced to your own rhythm and I know you will continue to do so!

8. Building on #9 - You know yourself and you are yourself always! You are comfortable and happy in your own skin and enjoy being an individual.

7. You have an extremely strong moral compass. You know the difference between right and wrong and are unwavering in your judgement.

6. You are a natural leader. Because of your strength, convictions and self-confidence, people are naturally drawn to you!! And you always treat everyone with kindness, respect and compassion.

5. You are extremely self disciplined! What other 11 year old (or 40 year old for that matter) would be able to stare at their gift for almost a week and not give in to temptation - especially when everyone in your family pressured you each day to give in?!??!!

4. You have such a great sense of humor and such a sharp and quick wit! Not a single day goes by that you don't make me laugh out loud at least once! You are HILARIOUS!!

3. You are truly musically gifted - since you were a baby, you have possessed a great sense of rhythm and a large appreciation for music. I am so proud witnessing the growth and development of your piano skills!

2. You are such an old and enlightened soul! Your spiritual development and awareness and APPRECIATION of what TRULY matters in life far surpasses my journey already! I continually learn from you each day, my love! Just like in the car with Grandpa yesterday driving home from the airport, you told us, "That was in the past; we live in the present. So get over it, Mom." And you were absolutely correct!

1. You have the hands-down, absolutely biggest heart of anyone I have ever known in my lifetime thus far! Your generosity, kindness, compassion and concern for EVERYONE is so beautiful and astounding! Not only for your friends and family, but for every single living creature on this earth! You are so considerate of others' feelings that you oftentimes will make sacrifices so those around you are happy. And your first consideration in any situation is about how the other person is feeling.

So my love, unfortunately this list only goes to 11 here. But I hope that you know each and every day how much you are loved, admired and appreciated by your mommy and soooo many others in your life!!

Happy birthday, RockStar!! Now it's time to celebrate!!

❤❤❤

How I Learned to Slow My Flow

As someone with a tendency toward rajastic or Vata dosha (high, transforming energy), I have always been drawn to super hot, challenging vinyasa classes that are fast-paced and leave me drenched in sweat. I'd even add pushups while in backbend to kick it up a couple notches in the 105 degree heat!! Two friends of mine who are yoga teachers recently confided in me that they literally thought I was on cocaine when they first saw me in a heated vinny flow class!! At the time, that would have been the highest compliment! Now, I realize that having a frenetic uberhyper aura is not so much a compliment! Lol. (shout out Rich and Mike!)

I recall in 2009 when Karen Weber in her subtle, gracious way suggested that maybe I should consider a slower, deeper more grounding practice. I remember literally walking away from her because I was just not ready to slow it down. And I love her for her continued support and patience as my journey has led me exactly where she suggested, 3 years later!

But of course I needed those 3 years for transformation, growth, acceptance and introspection. And the truth is, the slower, deeper classes that keep one in basic asanas for an extended period of time were far more challenging for me than the fast flows and advanced poses!

As I seek an equanimous mind, I realize that balance, stillness and calmness are the very qualities that I have been avoiding! Identifying my attachment to chaos and constant movement allowed great insight into my actions. I was subconsciously yet purposefully creating distractions in order to avoid listening to my inner voice. Fear, resistance, uncertainty were all contributing factors to my aversion to being still and opening up to my inner wisdom.

Meditation and yoga have been the key factors in providing myself the sacred and safe space to look within. So far removed was I, that my mind conjured up a spiritual guide to usher me along my path! Babaji has been a constant voice/vision in my inner journey, and until recently, I have been reluctant to reveal his existence for fear of people thinking I am not sane!

Babaji has evolved from his original form and faded into the background, and his voice has transformed itself into my inner voice. He does still make random appearances, however, he's handed the reins over to me now.

In my quest for balance, non-attachment and equanimity, I have discovered how to attain a blissful, relaxed state of mind through a very slow, deep, mindful practice focusing on breathing and poses sustained for several deep breaths. The calming of the rajastic energy is channeled as strength both mentally and physically during the challenge of holding poses for a sustained period. And finding those moments of true balance within a challenging asana, a balance between yin and yang, strength and ease, grounding and flying, is the true purpose of yoga. Those moments are fleeting but so absolutely blissful.

And the beauty is, after a delicious, deep practice, the sense of lightness and buoyancy and bliss is a feeling I can carry off of my mat with me. That amazing feeling can only be described as a natural high; yogastoned; blissedout.

❤❤❤

Day 1 of No Smoking - Path to Purification

The morning went way better than expected! I thought I would be struggling, especially since smoking is such a part of my morning routine! Not the case: dropped Jules off, met one of the moms for Caribou, went grocery shopping, got my car washed and mini-detailed. The interior cleaning helped big time! Smells so yummy and fresh and is so clean!!

I briefly thought about smoking but realized I don't have the physical urge or withdrawal symptoms, at least at this point. Purely mental. Since I don't deal well with absolutes, I just told myself I won't smoke TODAY. I can revisit tomorrow.

Also I saw someone smoking and i thought to myself, "what a weak minded loser!" so hopefully that will help me as well.

And I keep thinking of how my body is literally beginning an extensive detoxification process. Hopefully I will look and feel years younger!!!

I am also tracking how much money I am saving to donate to the American Lung Association. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Jimmy Choo!!'

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

Dear Newport,

We both knew that this day would come...This is it!! I know we've been here before, but I mean it this time!! Man, i will miss your smell, taste, the way you feel against my lips and how you fill my body with your smokiness - you are pure hedonistic bliss!! I will make myself immune to your beauty and charm and appeal!!

Wow, we have had some great times - some of the best!! You have literally been there for me throughout the past almost three decades!! Through heartbreaks, victories, celebrations, transitions, new beginnings, farewells, and you've always made the day to day grind a bit more enjoyable.

Of course I will miss you!! Like I always do!! Especially in the beginning...You will never be far from my mind. But I must remain strong! You are exhilarating, you always get my heart racing and make me feel lightheaded! But you are not good for me - this is such an unhealthy relationship!! As much as you provide daily pleasure to me, you are aging my skin, making my teeth yellow and doing all types of internal damage to my heart, lungs, blood vessels, esophagus and throat!!

Yes, I know I will probably gain weight without you, baby. But that's not enough to make me stay!! I need to liberate myself from your control over me and cope with life without you as a crutch.

So darling, thanks for the fantastic times and wonderful memories. Good bye, my love!!

P.S. I have met someone else. His name is Pranayama and he is amaze balls!!!

Follow Your Heart

This is such a ubiquitous phrase - it dominates all my social media news feeds - FB, twitter, Pinterest - but what does it actually mean? And why are we constantly being reminded to listen to our hearts?

For me, it means shutting out the constant bombardment of daily and even hourly messaging from endless sources on what I should be doing, feeling, thinking and buying in order to be HAPPY. I have found that happiness is really nothing more than an attitude, a state of mind. It's a simple choice that we can all make each and every day.

Our society teaches us that we should use our heads, be logical and strategic in pursuing happiness. Setting aggressive goals to achieve, conquer, win in order to capture an elusive prize called happiness. So it is actually counterintuitive to follow your heart in pursuing happiness - It seems that showing vulnerability and humility and contentment without climbing a mountain or conquering an enemy is not valued by our society. Who are we to be happy with no achievements, no status symbols, no trophies?

Additionally, we have been conditioned to protect our hearts from being hurt by others. We are all such emotional, loving, caring beings - our greatest need aside from food, water, shelter is to be loved, appreciated, understood. And once we have been hurt, we place barriers and walls around our tender hearts to protect them from being hurt again. The complexity of the defense mechanisms that we put in place are astounding! Sometimes they are so complex we no longer realize or understand our behaviors designed to keep us safe and out of harms way.

My personal journey of self-realization and non-attachment has helped me see the lengths I have gone to in order to protect my heart! Through meditation, I have observed my behavior patterns and am slowly beginning an arduous process of self-observation and understanding. It is a long road for me to peel away the many barriers I have put in place to avoid being vulnerable. While I maintain an illusion of safety in my logical brain, I have discovered I am creating barriers to truly connecting with people I care about.

My challenge to myself is to take more risks! Express myself each day in a way that may uplift others, connect with their hearts, give them the strength and freedom to listen to their inner voices. Make them know how much they are loved and worthy of love. To me, the ultimate fulfillment is in making that true connection and serving my fellow man, woman and child. We are all worthy of loving and being loved. We are all good enough just the way we are, stripped of titles, judgements, status symbols.

❤❤❤

Defining My Edge

This was an essay assignment for my 200 hour Yoga TT program:

How Do You Define the Edge in Your Life?

Living on the edge has practically been a way of life for me - not necessarily in a positive way! When I was younger, I was compelled to be that girl that would never back down from a dare, always trying to be bolder and braver than all the boys! I constantly toed and usually crossed the line that the adults set as boundaries. I was so rebellious, in fact, that my high school education took place halfway across the globe in Manila, Philippines, at an exclusive convent school run by Catholic nuns. Rather than be influenced by the strict, religious order, I ended up corrupting all of my friends. If it wasn't for the extensive connections of my wonderful, patient guardians, Poppa Sonny and Mamma Lyn (my Mom's sister), I would have been expelled.

After graduating high school, I returned to the States and continued my erratic, rebellious path at DePaul University and ultimately, my alma mater, Illinois State University, with a bit of a detour in between. I was constantly pushing the envelope and ultimately relying on my charm and persuasiveness to rectify sticky situations of my own creation. It didn't stop there! Most of my jobs, flight attendant, retail management, financial planning, all included an unhealthy dose of challenging authority.

Socially, it was the same thing. Always living on the edge with dating, friendships, "risky behavior" that I won't dwell on here. When my marriage fell apart (after three previous broken engagements), I still had not become introspective enough to question my attitudes and behaviors. I just felt that I could do anything I wanted to to anyone without consequence or thought. The repeated lesson that I was taking away was that things always worked out for me in the end, so I must be ok.

That's when I found yoga. Initially, it was strictly a physical practice. I enjoyed early success in yoga due to my natural flexibility and strength. It was years before my practice deepened, two jobs later, one more broken engagement, one more heart broken to add to my pile of people I had hurt, failed and disappointed. And here I am.

So what is living on the edge? To me, back then, it was living on the edge of conformity, surrender, selling out, growing up. It was freedom. It was resistance. It was living life on my terms, my way, with no regard to anyone else.

As my practice has deepened, I have been able to transcend the physical and connect to my inner truth. And the surprising and delightful personal discovery that I have stumbled upon, is that my true nature is in perfect conflict with all that I have pretended to be! In my own misguidance, I had 'sold out' myself!

What a humbling realization! My outward persona has been a perfect mask, some crazy defense mechanism, to protect my vulnerability, compassion, kindness that I have always identified as weakness. My aggressive behavior, has in truth caused the greatest hurt and damage to myself in the long run.

So what is my current edge? It's in finding the strength, grace, bravery and humility to live my truth. To transcend my ego and speak my truth with honesty, candor and faith that who I am is good enough. In embracing my feminine, yin attributes, rather than trying to cultivate masculine, yang characteristics. That the only thing that really matters is in how kind, loving, humble, vulnerable I am to others. In being authentic and not pretending I am anyone but me. In allowing my true nature and inner light to shine. In detaching from my ego, material possessions and even my fears and insecurities. In allowing my identity to be defined by my conduct, respect for others and in how I can serve. In following this path, I seek enlightenment, freedom from suffering and an equanimous existence.