Vipassana Bubble One-Month Gut Check

It's been exactly one month since I returned from my Vipassana 10 day silent retreat, so I think it's appropriate to do a gut-check here and assess my current situation...and I am starting with the premise that wherever I am on my journey, it is absolutely ok.

So, I'll kick it off by openly confessing that the beautiful, calm, peaceful bubble is gone. Popped. Bursted. Evaporated. It is NO MORE!!

I just re-watched my v-log post describing how amazing I felt a week after my re-entry into my life, and  I am thunderstruck by how far away I have slipped from equanimity in just a few short, jam-packed, stressful, pressure-filled weeks!

Of course, I take full responsibility for the choices that I have made and the chaos that I have allowed into my precious bubble.

My bubble bursting reminds me of the Stephen King movie Pet Cemetery. In the movie, when a pet dies, you bury him or her in the Pet Cemetery and the next morning, it returns home. The only caveat is that it is not quite the same animal that returns from the Pet Cemetery - there is something distinctly evil and off. 

Which is exactly how I have been feeling being outside the bubble - my old habits of reacting to stressful, overwhelming situations seems a bit more intense and ... well, not sane!! So, as I am taking a step back to observe and process where I now am, I am reminding myself to focus more on my breath and OBSERVE the physical SENSATIONS I experience in those moments. Just breathing and observing without reacting.

For me, it's all about seeking balance ...  cultivating the ability to calmly and purposefully engage in various activities and tasks with a balanced approach rather than intense and extreme focus and energy. 

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I fully intend to begin again!! I want my bubble back!! Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy!! Be happy! Be happy!!

My 10 Day Vipassana Silent Meditation Experience

On My Mat

My beloved Jade mat - I have 3 Mandukas and a few other randoms, but this is the only mat that I  truly love! So much beautiful, healing, validating energy on this one!! So much for non-attachment! tee hee hee 

Each time I unroll my mat, the familiarity of that simple action resonates to the core of my heart! How many thousands of times have I performed that simple action in my life? And in how many dozens of studios throughout the world - from Miami and NYC to LA and Santa Monica. On a rooftop in New Delhi at dawn. In a studio in Rome taught entirely in Italian! And so many other corners of our beautiful Earth.

Yet that initial action, and all that follow it, exists in a sacred space, an entire universe, on my beloved mat. When the madness of the world has invaded my lovely precious bubble, and I have allowed others' negativity and self-loathing and misery to permeate my equanimity, I can ALWAYS roll out my mat and let it all go. 

Just like that. At least for an hour, I can truly live in the moment, my breath bridging my mind, body and soul with something much bigger and more significant than external distractions, attachments and aversions. Linking my breath with my body's movements, I experience the physical sensations of pure, utter bliss within my physical body. Yet my mental focus allows a transcendence of the physical into a true oneness with all things, everything and nothing.

My mat has supported me through heartbreak, total sublime happiness, guilt, anger, bliss, excitement, fear and self-doubt. The one thing that is consistent is the impermanence of each emotion...whether the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, nothing endures! 

That simple reminder of the nature of life - it goes on! - grounds me firmly back in 'yathabhuta' reality 'as it is' not how I wish it to be! And the ultimate universal truth: All I need for true happiness can be found ONLY WITHIN and ONLY BY ME.

And as I roll my lovely mat back up, my bubble is once again safely back in tact and filled with love, peace and compassion for myself and all others.

Bhavatu Sarva Mangalam - May all beings be happy!

Redemption and Love

You can't ever go back and erase the pain that you caused. Or pay more attention to the little things that you took for granted. Or appreciate someone opening their heart to you and understanding the significance of it.

You can't go back and be more compassionate; more caring; more interested; more forgiving; more supportive; more loving. Or reverse the words that wounded; destroyed; cut to the core of someone's heart. 

You also can't continue to punish yourself for your mistakes - they are done and gone.  Karma is real, and the universe administers justice immediately. We are what we have done, and we will be what we are doing now. We are the sole masters of our fate and must accept the consequences that our actions reap.

If it's forgiveness that you seek for yourself - you must immediately stop your negative intentions and harmful actions. The only true path to redemption is to stop causing pain and cease contributing to the misery in the world. And the realization that:

You CAN commit to being more compassionate; more focused on others' feelings; more grateful for every kindness; more content with giving more and expecting much less.

You CAN choose to give and spread LOVE in its purest form. Sending only positive thoughts and energy to all living things. Vowing that all of your thoughts, deeds and actions will contribute to the happiness, liberation and freedom of others.

And for true redemption and forgiveness to occur, the universe will draw a person into your life who is seeking their own redemption. That person will assume the role that you once played; that person will cause you pain; that person will take for granted all of your gestures of love and vulnerability; that person will not understand the depth of your love.

That person will be incapable of showing you compassion, caring, support, affection, love. That person will dismiss your love that you give so freely and openly. That person will hurt you again and again and again. And you will love that person still.

You must continue to love that person for the pure sake of your heart without any expectations. You will choose to offer your love, and the expression of that love IS the purpose. In this way, you heal one another. Your guilt is purged and their pain is healed. Annica! Annica! Annica!