tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7988387325204411952024-03-08T11:00:39.082-08:00The World Is My Yoga MatNadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-27492893182943820052021-09-02T12:32:00.004-07:002021-09-02T12:32:57.074-07:0030 Days In Hawaii - DAY ONE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-smHpTPllwGuNMnsIOA63DKlpXkEa8TAjNDY5hHLAx_EtyuRNlP4Rrav9YvUpO6YOGQZcvjXTJ6PBwdwOs2zCuXLRTXl7o06mjGZqhGo44vAt88mkk46pZty5PLIFDl0hBDjIb2IP_oM/s1624/E1A51DD6-8033-4DF1-966E-C992A8C84B77.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1624" data-original-width="884" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-smHpTPllwGuNMnsIOA63DKlpXkEa8TAjNDY5hHLAx_EtyuRNlP4Rrav9YvUpO6YOGQZcvjXTJ6PBwdwOs2zCuXLRTXl7o06mjGZqhGo44vAt88mkk46pZty5PLIFDl0hBDjIb2IP_oM/w217-h400/E1A51DD6-8033-4DF1-966E-C992A8C84B77.jpeg" width="217" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px;">Aloha! Today is Travel Day. Coco and I left for the airport at 4:45 am. Robert got us there with plenty of time so we weren’t rushing around in panic and anxiety mode. I never knew that life could be so calm lol. I had plenty of time to find the indoor doggy restroom, the yoga room (closed), grab my Starby’s Chai tea latte and an egg cheese and bacon croissant from Corner Bakery. I had given</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px;"> </span> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px;">Coco her anxiety meds early but she was still such a ball of nerves the entire time. I have to say I was too!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">So glad it is September 1! The entire month of August was just the worst month ever. And it really just came out of nowhere and was entirely unexpected! I was cruising along through hot girl summer 2021: Cubs games, Nashville trip, day drinking, new gig as a bartender making Hawaii </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">🤑</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">, two weeks in a red convertible Mustang!, surprise party for my bestie, Van Gogh exhibit, weekends with friends, old and new. Got hired at Lifetime Oak Brook and everyone knew I was poolside on the rooftop practically every day! <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Through my reconnection and rehire back at Lifetime Oak Brook, I found a <span class="Apple-converted-space"> ren</span>ewed spark in my yoga practice and in my teaching. Life. Was. Fucking. Good.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKRH4QBA-j2lMUrcE8VTLGPdmbX18EItWpU9ocUIZgovdfn_N5rWSeDfULe_IMOEIpA3Pe58ZNqR5ghBanvrDEFeMwLEpDpxT8ZVqc5wHBp1QY4DMe0qOJoVc2SnFZuP80pzc7YDGC08/s2048/461CB61D-A237-42ED-A69B-9491FCD60D71.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKRH4QBA-j2lMUrcE8VTLGPdmbX18EItWpU9ocUIZgovdfn_N5rWSeDfULe_IMOEIpA3Pe58ZNqR5ghBanvrDEFeMwLEpDpxT8ZVqc5wHBp1QY4DMe0qOJoVc2SnFZuP80pzc7YDGC08/s320/461CB61D-A237-42ED-A69B-9491FCD60D71.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">It all came crashing down at the end of July/early August! </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">😩</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"> First, I pulled my left hamstrings sliding in a puddle of water! Super freak accident as my hamstrings are super totally open. After a couple of weeks in discomfort and pain, I had to reluctantly slow down my personal practice. Weeks later, I’m still not at </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">💯</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">percent. </span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">Soon after, a dear friend’s brother was put on a ventilator then the ECMO machine literally fighting for his life! Yes, yes, yes … <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Covid related. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Two days after receiving that news, another dear friend completed suicide. I was one of the last people he spoke with and had to be interviewed by the detective on the case.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"><br /></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"> Then my little Coco had diarrhea for three days and nights straight! Team no sleep. My son went back to his junior year at Vandy and didn’t want me to go with him. My 87 year old dad was rushed to urgent care and is now in physical therapy and not driving. And imma have to do a separate blog on the adventure it was just to get Coco into the state of Hawaii!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">Life was crushing my soul. If taken separately, these life events would be manageable. But they all came in rapid succession at a relentless pace. Each day literally brought new absurdities with it! Like random bullshit - touch screen not working at the ATM when I needed to make a quick transaction; my brother booking my mom’s flight to arrive at midnight and not offering to pick her up; same brother having my dad’s meds for 36 hours and me having to rearrange my entire day to pick them up … the list goes on. There were quite a few days I was deflated and defeated. I often thought to myself… just get through this. Just make it to Hawaii.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">But there were also so many MIRACLES and beautiful moments of serendipity during that same time frame. My car going in for body work and Enterprise randomly giving me a convertible red Mustang as a rental! My insurance company giving me a final extra weekend with the convertible. Walking into urgent care worried sick about my dad and one of my very dearest friends Lara randomly standing right in the doorway to give me a big hug. Being bailed out of my Mercedes lease by a childhood friend Ray who is a very successful car dealer. The unbelievable generosity from so many of my friends and customers <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>when I was bartending. Stumbling <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>upon my long-lost-and-forgotten pink Hydroflask decorated with all of my Aloha stickers the moment I started second guessing my trip. A<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>late night text from a friend at the perfect moment. Seeing who is truly down for me when I needed a friend. Noticing so many little high fives and pats on the back from the universe urging me to keep going and that I am definitely moving in the right direction.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"><br /></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"><br /></span><p></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">I am so grateful for the ability to see each tiny miraculous moment of perfection. And to acknowledge that the soul crushing moments bear the greatest gifts of all. As I am writing this blog on the flight from Seattle to O’ahu, this thought was reinforced. My basic seat had been upgraded to ‘premium’ and as I took my 7th row aisle seat, there was a morbidly obese couple in the window and middle seats. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>As soon as I sat down, the male in the middle seat let out a loud annoyed sigh and asked the girl at the window if she wanted to trade seats. </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">🥺</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"> to break the tension I jokingly asked if I smelled bad. It did not break the ice. </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">😑</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"> he sighed with annoyance a couple more times and the Virgo in me </span><span class="s3" style="font-size: 18.4px;">😬</span><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"> started sighing back. At that point, one of the flight attendants told me he would check to see if there were some open seats further in the back. I gratefully thanked him, because the guy was physically spilling over into my seat.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">The FA came back and put me in an aisle seat with an open middle and a really fascinating young woman named Josie sitting at the window. We chatted for quite some time. She’s 18, grew up in the “woods of Alabama,” traces her ancestors back to when Georgia was created as a “prisoner state” and her Garrett ancestor was the first AND third person hung for adultery in the state. The second hanging was successful, as he was left on the noose for four months and literally rotted off of the noose. She also has a Norwegian Ridgeback named Cedar who dragged their neighbor through the woods and up a hill until his drunk ass finally let go. Then Cedar chased down and dominated another dog, chased him into a ditch and peed all over it. Josie is spending her very first semester in college in a study abroad program living at the Kalani Resort on Big Island. I would have never met Josie if the big people weren’t so mean and rude to me!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">Ok final story… and still two hours from actually landing! Coco was trembling in our new seats as we were preparing for takeoff and a really sweet FA was speaking to her soothingly. We began talking, and I could tell she was a dog mom. She has three dogs and … one in a million odds here … one of them is a bloodhound named Rupert!! <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>My son also has a bloodhound named Rupert! </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">Serendepity abounds. So many signs that I am exactly where I need to be.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;">Aloha and Mahalo!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-size: 18.4px;"></span></p>Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-80072308575999858442020-03-22T18:24:00.000-07:002020-09-04T22:51:25.070-07:00Thank you, Corona Virus <div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 30px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3px;">
Sunday, March 15, 2020<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDwow5rzw-y61wNSpjlfRdysyadxqFBd-e9JQTSWtkgulIMYRloSYtpz35jl5IadaQoECoUnwY3u23cG8NqfixdJBoUqhcSia6fsjOLFJ87Dv6jvusw79LvJgYWxYbZHb6WebjqmQJdU/s1600/8035EF49-CB20-4390-9E61-693E7963EB32.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="651" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDwow5rzw-y61wNSpjlfRdysyadxqFBd-e9JQTSWtkgulIMYRloSYtpz35jl5IadaQoECoUnwY3u23cG8NqfixdJBoUqhcSia6fsjOLFJ87Dv6jvusw79LvJgYWxYbZHb6WebjqmQJdU/s400/8035EF49-CB20-4390-9E61-693E7963EB32.jpeg" width="202" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">A yogi’s thoughts on coronavirus </span></div>
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<span class="s2">Hey guys! Wow. So much has shifted in the past 24 hours! I'm basically shoved into the backseat of my ex-hubby’s (who is also a dear friend)<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>van driving home from Nashville with my son and all his freshman year stuff. I’m overwhelmed by happiness to be in this moment; and strangely so grateful to this virus that’s been collectively dominating our lives, thoughts, fears and news feeds. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">Let me explain. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">Of course, I’m disappointed that my son’s first year college experience has been abruptly, unceremoniously and inconveniently cut short. Seeing him grow and thrive and forge his own path is indescribable as a parent. He’s doing it so well! Gosh. Light years away from my college experience. (That’s another blog. </span><span class="s3">😳</span><span class="s2">) Selfishly, I am celebrating some bonus time having my son home! </span></div>
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<span class="s2">But as a yogi, I strive each day to surrender my human and flawed thoughts on how life should be, and I open my heart to what life is offering. And here’s the real kicker: to accept it. Whatever it is. Accept it as an opportunity to learn and grow and surrender to a higher power and intelligence. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">And that is our first ostensible gift from Professor Corona. Omg. He has forced Americans to slow the fuck down!!!!! This virus has singlehandedly and exponentially illustrated one of my main teachings as a yoga instructor. Slow. The. Fuck. Down. I say this with so much love and respect and close with a namaste so obviously it’s ok. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">And now that the universe has our attention, we look around and remember what’s truly important. People. Not things. People. Back to the basics!</span></div>
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<span class="s2">And we rest! And reset. And we finally have the opportunity to look within. To pause and reflect on where we are in life. And to course correct if we’ve veered from what is soul feeding and intrinsic versus ego feeding and extrinsic. And perhaps with an overwhelming awareness of all of the abundance that we already have circulating in our lives. </span></div>
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<span class="s2"></span>Another rona reminder: let’s get back into the habit of hygiene! Lol. Yes like washing our hands! And for me, showering more often. Hippy, grungy yogis must practice saucha - purity of body, mind and speech. Yes, I am definitely a work in progress. For those that don't know me well, I don't generally shower every day. Or every other day. lol</div>
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<span class="s2">You know who else is doing a happy dance right now?</span></div>
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<span class="s2">Mother Nature. She is so ecstatic right now. She’s happy that we are dramatically reducing travel and giving our precious planet an opportunity to breathe! Trees, mountains, rivers and oceans, and all living beings are benefiting from this reset. Less pollution and so much more precious time. The true currency of life. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">This reset of our economy has highlighted the working poor in America. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>We - yes, your beloved yoga teachers - are part of the working poor in America along with so many others who work an hourly wage, the majority of who are not extended access to healthcare and other basic employment benefits. In a true collapse of this economy, we will be the first fatality. But I’ve read that most Americans are so highly leveraged, regardless of income, that many of us are a few lost paychecks away from homelessness. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">We mistakenly “buy into” affiliation with the one percenters in America, purchasing luxury goods to separate from the working poor, many using credit to do so. (I speak from experience!) <span class="Apple-converted-space"> U</span>nfortunately we don’t comprehend <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>the vast difference between a million and a billion. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">One million seconds = 11.5 days </span></div>
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<span class="s2">One billion seconds = 31.5 years </span></div>
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<span class="s2">Hopefully this reset will help us pare down wants vs needs and focus on the intangibles of life: experiences vs consumerism. And stop making the billionaires more billions and actually increasing the dramatic gaps. It also shows us this false sense of security we derive from possessions and property rather trusting in the abundance from this planet. Every morsel of food, droplet of water and every item you own came directly from the Earth. As a gift. Not an entitlement. </span></div>
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<span class="s2">This powerful yet invisible (to the naked eye virus) reminds us of the inevitability of change. We are experiencing a powerful shift. I always believe change forces us to re-examine our thoughts and beliefs. I also believe this is yet another wake up call from Mother Earth that a collective, vibrational shift is happening. Rather than resist, let's flow with it.</span></div>
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<span class="s2">This situation is uniting humanity like nothing else in history ever has. This situation is not unique to any part of the globe; to any race; economic or social class; religion; gender; political affiliation. It is a great equalizer reminding us that we are all connected. Factories closing in China affect the entire global supply chain and we will soon feel the ripples of it. But I've also heard accounts that there are certain areas in China where people are actually seeing the blue sky for the first time because the heavy layer of smog and pollution has been halted!</span></div>
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<span class="s2">Rather than shaking fists in the sky at our bad luck or feeling personal targeted by this situation, would you consider the perspective that the earth is auto correcting itself? That Mother nature is hitting a hard reset to course correct our trajectory toward overconsumption and exploitation. To remember we are all enough without all of the stuff. And that we are all deeply connected as we share this planet together. One love. </span></div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-53482800760517233422017-10-13T14:26:00.000-07:002017-10-13T14:26:19.737-07:00CRASH<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Life is always giving us exactly what we need when we need it. Such a difficult truth to remember when LIFE is throwing some challenging lessons at you.</div>
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I just completed five years as a full time yoga instructor, and I've been taking a trip down memory lane to SIGNIFICANT moments on this teaching path.</div>
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One HUGE lesson came on June 21, 2013. The Summer Solstice. Big day in the yoga world! I'd been teaching less than a year and still at a place where I was pretty much saying YES to any opportunity floated my way. Perpetually swiping RIGHT.....</div>
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So on this day, I was slated to teach beginning at 8 am - poolside yoga at Lifetime Fitness in Warrenville all the way through to a joint collab with my great friend Brian Dunn at 8 p.m. at Lifetime Fitness in Burr Ridge.</div>
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I was flying HIGH! Feeling so damn lucky to be teaching my art and my passion and making an impact in people's lives. And I had reached a crossroad - my old way of living converging into this new path where I truly wanted to live and embody my yoga. But, at that time, I felt so many remnants of this 'former' existence were holding me in limbo.With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that those little lifestyle choices are actually irrelevant to what truly matters. But I could not see that at the time.</div>
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At that juncture, I was still driving a sweet, sporty black Mercedes which back then brought my human ego so much pleasure and it was such a beautiful, smooth and powerful machine. But I found myself feeling a bit self-conscious as I would walk out of a studio chatting with students and stop short so they wouldn't see my car. Who cares right? At the time, I did for some inexplicable reason.</div>
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So for a few months I'd been seriously thinking about getting a different car, but it was a fleeting thought as I was so busy teaching like crazy that I didn't attache a ton of concernment to it.</div>
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So back to the summer solstice of 2013. After a full day of teaching yoga and after a lovely dinner with Brian and some of our students, I headed home. Happy but pretty exhausted. As I was racing home to rest knowing in less than 8 hours I'd be teaching another four classes, I switched lanes and too late saw the car in front of me!!! </div>
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CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! </div>
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I rear-ended the poor guy in front of me. Both sets of airbags engaged: shins and chest from the steering wheel. The front hood popped open! Literally the HAND OF GOD must have been on my steering wheel to guide my totaled car safely across three lanes of traffic to the side of the road. I was discombobulated. Somehow, not sure how long it took, I disengaged my seat belt, crawled to the passenger side of the car, opened the door and literally spilled out onto the ground. I was groping around for my cell phone to call 911 - I couldn't even remember that I had locked it in my glove box to avoid distractions for my exhausted drive home.</div>
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And then my Angel appeared. Her name is Char. She witnessed the entire accident, took the next exit and circled back around to check on me. By the time I was in a heap at the side of the road, she had already called 911 and was by my side. A complete stranger. And the best friend I could have hoped for in that moment of my life.<br />
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As I searched frantically for my cell phone to call 911, she calmly informed me that she had already done so. She said she witnessed the entire accident and the man did not have his lights on, which explains why I didn't see him! I finally located my phone and was contacting MB roadside assistance, knowing fully well that they would send a flatbed tow truck and that at past midnight on a Friday night, there would be about a 2 hour wait. All I could think of was that I had to be at work in just a few short hours!<br />
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As I was on my phone call, the fireman/paramedic was yelling at me to get in the ambulance so he could check me out. I didn't want to delay the tow truck process, so I was trying to wrap up my call. I was becoming agitated by the dick-like behavior of this "first-responder," and before I could even muster a reaction, there was my Angel Char again having my back. She told him she would bring my right into the ambulance as soon as we dispatched the tow truck to the scene.<br />
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My other concern was that I didn't have health insurance. City of Naperville had graciously extended my Cobra coverage for me, however, it was nearly $1,000 per month at that time! Another struggle of the free-wheeling, happy-go-lucky lifestyle of a full time yoga instructor - lots of passion and gratification, but not much financial compensation. However, he checked me out and wanted to rush me to the emergency room. At this point my shins were severely bruised and triple their size. But I foolishly still believed I was teaching four classes in a few hours, so I refused to go.<br />
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So now I was just waiting for the tow truck, and at this point the Trooper said he would have to leave for another call but he was concerned about leaving me at the side of the road. Char stepped in (yes, she was still there!) and promised the officer she would wait with me for my ride. So I sat in her car and just began thinking about who the heck I could call at what was now past 1 a.m. Mind you, this was 2013, just before the advent of Uber and Lyft! Before I could formulate any viable thoughts - you quickly figure out who your true friends are when you are IN NEED) - Char offered to wait with me and drive me home!! Which she did!<br />
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So as I finally got home well past 2 am, so grateful for Char and to God for allowing me to walk (hobble) away from a huge crash, it slowly dawned on me that I was in no shape to teach the next morning. I quickly shot out emails to Brian (he covered my 8 am at Lifetime) and to the lovely teachers and managers at Yoga By Degrees. My classes were covered and I was able to REST.<br />
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The biggest lesson that I learned from this CRASH was how futile it is to WORRY. God/Universe (whatever you BELEIVE in) will always provide exactly what you NEED exactly WHEN you need it. It is the truth, you guys!</div>
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ABUNDANCE is surrounding YOU ALWAYS! No need to worry. Let go of your FEARS. Open your HEART and TRUST and BELIEVE that you are right where you need to be. Just always do your best in any given moment. Everything else will be sorted out. Continue to do your DHARMA and you will get exactly what you need and deserve.<br />
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Anicca! Anicca! Anicca! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-21198909827166465552017-07-07T20:50:00.003-07:002017-07-08T04:25:16.708-07:00Dead Branches<div>
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I was walking in the forest preserve as I love to do these days. It helps me feel more connected to reality and to practice the art of mindfulness. For me, it's an attempt to EMPTY my mind - to mentally flatline so I can see and feel and hear and taste and smell what's REAL.</div>
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As I was admiring the magnificent sounds and sights all around me - especially the TREES! I could stare at their shapes and growth patterns and majesty for hours upon hours - I noticed a beautiful tree that was almost unremarkable amongst the legions of other trees where it grew. Except that it had a huge dead branch.</div>
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The dead branch just hung there, slung across much of the tree. Dead weight. Heavy. The image was the perfect analogy for knowing when to hold em, when to fold em. When to ... you know the song right?<br />
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Recently, there was someone who came into my life quite unexpectedly, and we became very close very quickly. A fast friendship that brought immense happiness and laughter and joy with it!</div>
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You've experienced that too, haven't you? In fact, many of my friendships and relationships begin with a spark and a bang! (Not necessarily that kind of bang, gee-zus - wtf is wrong with you?) </div>
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It was such a blessing. Truly. Until it wasn't. </div>
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I have come to believe through my personal experience that each chance encounter and connection is never an accident. It's always an opportunity to learn, grow and I think in this situation, this person came into my life to help me heal. </div>
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Spending time with this person began to trigger some deeply rooted fears and long forgotten past situations that had never been dealt with and certainly never released or healed. </div>
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Memories from my past surfaced that had been buried deeply. I've realized that most of my life has been experienced through a state of survival mode. Just getting through each day in tact with as little damage as possible. </div>
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I think that's why we yogis oftentimes appear unstable and emotional. Because as we start to deprogram from the narratives that have been ingrained in us, as we open up and re-connect within, all of our "shit" surfaces. We are constantly dredging it up and trying to let it go. </div>
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Relationships obviously have the same effect. The more vulnerable we become, the scarier it gets. And it's my job to look deeper and figure out how to fix myself. It's also my job to know when to pour more energy and hope into growing something beautiful or when to recognize the branch is already dead. </div>
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Once I made the decision to sever the ties to this relationship, I felt an immediate lightness throughout my entire body. My heart, mind, shoulders; everything felt light. It was as if all the energy I was pouring into the dead branch was redirected back into my own body in order to heal. </div>
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What had been a relationship that brought me back to life, had shifted dramatically into a source of sadness, confusion and just overall feelings of shittiness. </div>
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There's no one to blame here. I think we both cared deeply for one another. And I of course still care deeply. So much gratitude for this mate to my soul for elevating my consciousness and leading me towards healing. </div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-30764850401506220782017-02-10T13:41:00.001-08:002017-02-10T13:41:29.135-08:0021 Day Detox - for the SEVENTH TIME<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Since 2012, I've SEVEN times done a 21 day detox where I remove all animal proteins, sugar, caffeine, alcohol and gluten. Each time I've approached this cleanse with resistance and resignation. My first time was during my 200 hour teacher training - talk about resistance - I think I drank and smoked MORE during that first time just because I could. And because fuck you, you can't tell me what to eat and drink!</div>
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The next six times, believe it or not, I actually led groups of people through this same cleanse. Because of my accountability to lead each group, I actually resisted less and strived to be a good example. But I still felt a bit out of my element, as I didn't truly practice what I was preaching outside of the 21 day window.</div>
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Each time I've cleansed, I can honestly say that I was able to make some modest shifts. But I would always, always, always intentionally go right back to sugar, caffeine, animal proteins, alcohol and gluten. Never was there a thought to NOT do that. The 21 days was more of an act of discipline and will power rather than an attempt to make permanent lifestyle shifts.</div>
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This last cleanse, however, and FINALLY was totally different. I was READY for it. I NEEDED it. I was actually looking forward to it in order to find some boundaries and structure in my life. I was even more prepared for it, because I had canceled the previous one set for Fall 2016. And it has truly made all of the difference.</div>
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How you do anything is how you do everything, so taking something as complex and constant as your daily habits and rituals surrounding food can be an amazing opportunity for insight and awareness. If you are truly open to it. And finally, I truly was READY.</div>
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To where and what can I attribute this shift? Firstly, it's probably a function of age: you know, we just can't abuse our bodies like we did when we were younger! I was horribly unhealthy in my 20s and 30s in terms of nutrition and getting enough sleep, water, exercise, etc. but still maintained a tight, lean body somehow! As I became more engrossed in my practice in my late 30s and early 40s, I can honestly say I was definitely in the best shape of my life. And I was still eating bullshit and had really unhealthy habits like hardcore caffeine, alcohol and smoking. Secondly, I didn't afford myself any downtime. I was always on the GO. GO. GO. GO.<br />
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Well if you have read my <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2015/05/fat-yoga-teacher-how-i-went-from-yoga.html" target="_blank">Fat Yoga Teacher</a> blog, you know what happened from there. Crash. And Burn. I am a true believer in the mind-body connection. As I look back on the time of my burnout, I can very clearly see that I so badly needed to be GROUNDED. All of that frenetic energy was circulating around with no stability or structure or direction. And the only method that my poor body had to effectively slow me down was to literally pack 30 lbs of weight on my 5'2' frame! The weight gain and the exhaustion finally caused me to slam the brakes. And it forced me to take a long, hard look at where I was. And to understand how and why I got there.<br />
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And I stayed there for some time. It's been almost two years, and I'm finally seeing a glimmer of hope again. I know, I know - so flippen dramatic, right? But I totally trust in the process of life. These past two years, I've learned about my introverted side. How amazing it is to actually sit home by myself and RELAX! How the constant chaos and drama was actually just a deflection technique to avoid doing the real inner work.<br />
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I used to think that nobody loved me more than ME. I denied myself NOTHING. I indulged myself on every whim and desire. If I wanted chocolate, I would eat it and enjoy it guilt free. If I wanted a new pair of ridiculously expensive shoes (or a handbag, or a suit, or a dress, or whatever!) I would be on a mission until I got it. Usually as a gift. :-) I would blow off things and people and anything else that didn't suit me. I always looked out for myself - or so I told myself!<br />
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During this last cleanse, it became so apparent to me that indulging myself is not truly loving myself - it is feeding my EGO. I'm just now, four and a half decades into this life, beginning to truly love myself. And it is a constant, daily struggle! But cleaning up how I nourish my body has allowed some clarity into other aspects of my life. While I've always been pretty damn good at cutting people out of my life that don't uplift me, I'm getting better at walking away from situations that don't support my long-term growth. Like, giving up several classes (and income) in order to have sufficient time to rest, re-charge and balance my life out in other areas.<br />
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I've also been able to determine how EASILY and AUTOMATICALLY and MINDLESSLY I've used food as a drug, an elixir, a temporary distraction, a panacea. And on the flip side, I am so aware of how FUCKING GOOD my body feels when filled with clean fuels! No more aches. No more lethargy. I receive clear messages from my body that are not filtered through sugar and caffeine and processed foods. So when my body is tired, I rest. My energy doesn't spike as radically as it once did. I'm also better able to observe my emotions and try to understand where they originate rather than reacting and externalizing.<br />
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And I've also lost SIXTEEN POUNDS since the beginning of the year. For sure I attribute the weight loss to taking better care of myself and predominantly my diet. But I've also been able to see where my body clung to the excess weight for stability and grounding. I am feeling so much more grounded, and in response, my body is steadily shedding the excess weight. And unlocking more REAL energy; not the faux energy I've been flying on all these years.<br />
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Like everyone, I still have to work very hard to love myself and accept myself exactly as I am right now. It's easy to love yourself when you're at your ideal weight and your doing everything "right." The real struggle is accepting your own intrinsic value that is so much deeper than the outside package.<br />
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Like my yoga practice, I strive for just a millimeter of growth each day. A deeper glimmer of awareness. A stronger connection to atman.<br />
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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<br />Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-45126038171470054402016-11-09T15:23:00.002-08:002016-11-10T05:57:56.126-08:00From Politics to Yoga<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Four years ago, I was at the cusp of my new career as a yoga teacher. And I was transitioning from a very partisan, aggressive, righteous, competitive and holier-than-thou place. Being a bit of a go-getter, I barreled right into this new role as a yoga dealer, expecting nothing but success and a smooth segue.</div>
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While intuitively I seek peace, stability and togetherness, as I think we all do, I've learned that it has not been as simple as flipping a switch for me. It has been a long, slow process of detoxification and deprogramming. It has taken an incredible amount of sometimes brutal honesty with myself. Practicing awareness and mindfulness - learning to pause before reacting and really thinking things through. Many have mastered these crucial abilities; this past election cycle has shown me my modest growth in these areas.</div>
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Four years ago, I was very vocal about my political beliefs. I downloaded on anyone who would listen. I lambasted anyone who dared to disagree with me. I rubbed it in people's faces when they were wrong and where they were wrong and how they were wrong. My political beliefs were so brilliant and wise and obvious. And boy was I PASSIONATE (that's a kind way of putting it) about what I felt deep in my soul to not only be the RIGHT way but for the love of God, the ONLY way. And man was I PISSED off and disappointed and sad during the previous two presidential campaign cycles.</div>
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When I teach yoga, I often remind students that we are looking for the teeniest, tiniest most subtle shifts and growth each session. The idea is to practice consistently with minute refinements until we look up one day and find ourselves deeply ensconced in a pose that once seemed unattainable. As I look up following this election cycle, I find myself in an entirely different countenance than four years ago, one I never even imagined.</div>
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My experience on my yoga mat once felt like an escape which I now realize is the exact opposite - it's a coming home. It's an inner journey and a reminder of who I really am beneath the surface and veneer and conditioning and posturing. I remember that underneath it all, I am filled with love and compassion and acceptance and tolerance and HOPE. And as I touch that part of my soul, I am reminded that ALL of us are ALL these things too!</div>
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As we all woke up this morning to the realization that we have elected a brand new President, my initial feelings were of compassion and understanding rather than a sense of victory and winning. The purpose of this post is not at all to espouse my personal political views, but rather to verbalize this vast open new space where I now find myself. </div>
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Maybe it's because I've sat this election cycle out in terms of active campaigning and electioneering. But I've also spent the last four years striving to create a space for healing, growth and nurturing in my yoga classes. The invitation in my class is ALWAYS to come exactly as you are - and that will always be enough. Sure I still may have healthy differing views than others and vice versa, but the ultimate goal continues to be to find the common ground. To search so hard for what unites us rather than divides us. To CONNECT rather than isolate. </div>
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I've become so familiar with observing others' limitations in both their physical practice and also their emotional struggles. I see people at their most hopeful and vulnerable. People share intimate details of their lives, their past pain and even their bodily functions with me. And I am learning to stay steady and grounded for everyone - I don't have to judge or agree or disagree - my role is to hold space for that person in that moment on their journey.</div>
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I've found that it is far more important to me to build a trusting relationship than it is to pummel people into submission or to be "right." So I can see that my personal politics are irrelevant to everyone but me. So there is no need for me to broadcast who I voted for and why. And I also see that it is not my role to point out the flaw in someone else's logic. Or to revel in their misery.</div>
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Now that I have finally found peace and solitude and happiness within my own heart, I can offer up compassion and support and love to the individual person and whether we agree on politics or not - I can connect to the humanity within him or her. I can respect and accept you for who you are without reservations. </div>
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I'd love to say that I am ALWAYS in that space - but that would be an outright lie. But I can honestly say, I find myself there more and more frequently.</div>
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Whomever you voted for, however you feel today, I respect you and clear the way for you to express yourself in any way you see necessary. Because I know underneath the fear mongering that we call our modern political system, we are the same. We want what's best for our families and our children. We want to be loved and understood. And we recognize that true POWER cannot be transferred or created - it is our God-given birthright and it resides WITHIN.</div>
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God Bless America. </div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-43839055918731905802016-09-14T14:00:00.000-07:002016-09-14T14:15:15.216-07:0045<div style="text-align: justify;">
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So I turned 45 years of age today. Everyone has been asking: "What are you doing for your birthday?" I know it's just a simple question, but it touches against an interesting place within me. The answer is that I'm going to have a typical Wednesday, teach both of my classes, blog a little bit, purge more stuff from my life, see my son after school; and all I really want to do is head to the city to take a yoga class with Carmen Aguilar. And then if I can be in bed like a normal adult by 11 p.m. - BIRTHDAY SUCCESS!!!</div>
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So funny how I think it's a disappointment to people. Obviously it's my birthday and I am spending it exactly how I want to, but I feel like my response should be that I'm doing something fabulous with my life and my birthday. Flying to Paris! Huge dinner with family and friends! Extravagant spa day! The truth is, my life is pretty sweet. I am finally at a stage in life where I'm really opening to the miracles and the love and the blessings that surround me each day. So while my birthday is a reminder of<i> Tempis Fugit Carpe Diem Memento Mori, </i>it is also just another day that I will try to enjoy and live with gratitude and humility and grace.</div>
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As I am typing this blog, I have more than 600 FB birthday messages! More than 30 texts and a dozen phone calls! What a great reminder that I am SURROUNDED by love each and every day of my life! My morning class brought with it flowers, breakfast, coconut water, coffee, birthday cards and the loveliest SOUL SISTER mantra band. So unexpected and such a reminder of my blessings.</div>
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A student greeted me HB at my noon class and asked, "Where are all of your friends? I thought this room would be packed!" And again I felt that tinge of not measuring up to her expectations. But I quickly brushed aside and thanked her for her greeting. It's a life long practice to accept our own worthiness and know that it is and always will be ENOUGH!! </div>
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Since I've slowed down my lifestyle and as I've taken more and more time in solitude and quiet contemplation, I'm discovering a deeply introverted aspect of myself. Spending my birthday in peace and stillness and solitude is exactly what I need today, and it is my gift to myself! I spent my 41st birthday in a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L31wdtrrUQs" target="_blank">10 day silent vipassana retreat</a> - best gift I've ever given myself! </div>
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Each day I strive to look for the good, look for the love. look for the reasons to be happy and to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That my thighs are the exact size they should be. That my stretch marks and dimpled skin are gorgeous. That there is abundance everywhere! That there is soooooo much love around me. Some days - ok who am I kidding - most days - I have to remember it's there behind the third time I lost my phone in my own house and had to go to work without it. It's underneath that super crabby person who just flipped me off in traffic. It's lurking beyond the annoyances and challenges and just plain BS!</div>
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The truth is that each challenge has the seeds of GROWTH and TRANSFORMATION and LETTING GO of the past. And my greatest teacher has been learning and practicing mindfulness and stillness and SILENCE! When we can slow down and be still and silent, all of the NOISE - especially the noise of our own crazy thoughts - recedes and here is the space we need for true healing and nourishment and guidance. Yet we run from it, we fill this inner wisdom with food and wine and activities and TV shows and Instagram and so many other distractions. Of course, none of those things are wrong or bad, but we can see how they are used at times as an AVOIDANCE of true joy and quiet gratitude.</div>
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My birthday wish is for YOU to know that you are here for a beautiful purpose far greater than you can imagine. To know that there are no accidents only lessons. To remember that each DAY each breath each moment is a GIFT! The biggest impact on our lives happens IN THIS MOMENT. Your past choices have already manifested into today's karma - where you are NOW is a result of what you have chosen in your past, so no need to relive it and re-open old wounds. Your FUTURE will be determined by what you say and think and do TODAY! THIS MOMENT is the seed of your future. And all we can each do is to look for happiness in EVERYTHING, feel LOVE for EVERYONE, feel GRATITUDE for each moment.</div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-14251863472903569962016-09-03T23:31:00.002-07:002016-09-04T06:43:19.976-07:00Polarity Therapy Session Two: Healing My Inner Child<div style="text-align: justify;">
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My second session with <a href="http://www.christenbridgwater.com/polarity-therapy/" target="_blank">Christen</a> cut deeply to my core. Since my first session, my body had been experiencing physical "pain" or intense sensations in my right hip/thigh area and my shoulders and neck were super tight and painful. The lovely director of <a href="http://www.essenciayoga.com/" target="_blank">Essencia Yoga</a> allows Christen to use their beautiful studio space to practice her craft, and this time we were set up in the basement for our bodywork. It seems as if that darker, more cocoon-like space may have played a role in my experience on the table that morning.</div>
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Christen started on my feet and did some work on my legs - the <b>thighs </b>represent strength and forward motion. After my first session, I'd been experiencing a burning and throbbing release from my right psoas through the meaty parts of my thigh - front and back - and down through my knee. Intuitively I knew it was a releasing of stored anger. Thighs hold repressed anger and feelings of helplessness, which are two-headed beasts - where you find one, you generally find the other.<br>
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During this session, long-forgotten memories from my childhood were bubbling to the surface. In reliving these memories, I could clearly see that feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability from my childhood had been transformed into rage and anger. A few pivotal memories were at the seat of lifelong feelings of instability, never feeling truly safe nor beautiful nor worthy. I began sobbing uncontrollably on the table and these memories were spilling out of me toward Christen, who so compassionately listened to me and consoled me. This experience was so far out of my comfort zone! Crying and showing vulnerability is something that I have spent a great deal of energy in blocking - yang energy. Also, these experiences had not been surfaced for many years, as I had literally been repressing them and pretending they didn't even exist.<br>
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When Christen got to my neck and shoulders, again I experienced intense physical sensations. Prior to Christen, I had worked with the amazing Everett Ogawa of <a href="http://integralbodywork.com/" target="_blank">Integral Bodywork</a>, and he always described me as being "karmically ripe" for the deeper bodywork. What he meant was that my body is primed to release these stored memories and traumas because the pain has risen to the surface. Many people's pain is repressed so deeply that their bodies have become hardened and resistant to sensation. More than a decade on my yoga mat has helped immensely.<br>
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<b>Upper back</b> relates to the heart chakra - how we are able to express and receive love and what I've been finding out more recently, how well we are able to love ourselves and to express and receive that love. <b>Neck </b>relates to the throat chakra - how do we express ourselves? Do we say too little or too much? Do we feel supported when we express ourselves and so important: do we love and support ourselves enough to speak our highest and most personal truths? <b>Shoulders</b> are where we carry our burdens - we tense up when we feel stress which leads to chronic pain. A shift in persectve is helpful in this area: What are we carrying and how much of it is necessary? Are we reaching out for the help that we need?<br>
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Thoughts of compassion were dominant during this session. A realization that we are all doing the best that we can. That I am doing the best that I can. As I was experiencing the resurfacing of long-abandoned memories and hurts, Christen told me to release all resistance. I was trying (there goes that yang energy again) to release and change the experience. She told me not to try to change it or even release it. To just sit with it and let it run its course.<br>
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In those moments, I felt a softening through the right side of my body. The left brain controls the right side body - the yang - for me that side was my masculine energy that had been protecting and defending my inner core. My left side (controlled by the right brain) had been overshadowed all these years in efforts of right body to defend. It made so much sense that I was experiencing the deepest releases in the right side of my body.<br>
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This session was physically and emotionally draining, but I left feeling lighter and much more open to vulnerability and a deeper awareness of my intuition.<br>
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My assignment was to dial down and rest my central nervous system over the next week. Christen also told me to make sure my meals were nourishing and healing - not only in what I was ingesting but HOW I consumed my meals. She also gave me a lovely water chakra meditation to try each morning to help balance my overactive yang.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOMYTqqjZQ3ACJQEOjUXRABpTT4vwD0c_2umy7mrAF_hVlouaRtXR8HCHvkH1-sxZpCMktrwgRIpJBlgBdez_mSkQBx2EhmbpYyg46mH1hpdYDP16s3QQ4loFN2-fBJeZ1XJ8HOXHLwYc/s640/blogger-image--121781148.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOMYTqqjZQ3ACJQEOjUXRABpTT4vwD0c_2umy7mrAF_hVlouaRtXR8HCHvkH1-sxZpCMktrwgRIpJBlgBdez_mSkQBx2EhmbpYyg46mH1hpdYDP16s3QQ4loFN2-fBJeZ1XJ8HOXHLwYc/s640/blogger-image--121781148.jpg"></a></div><br>
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Annica! Annica! Annica!! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-82507942230591416232016-08-31T14:56:00.000-07:002016-09-03T14:55:29.429-07:00Polarity Therapy - Session One: In Touch with my Driving Force, Kali MaDurga<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I've embarked on a new bodywork journey called <a href="http://www.christenbridgwater.com/polarity-therapy/" target="_blank">Polarity Therapy. </a>The overarching philosophy of this bodywork is that there are imbalances in the human body/mind/spirit resulting from blocked or misdirected energy. By acknowledging the effects of thoughts, emotions and subconscious programs - as well as those of diet, physical environment, lifestyle patterns and spiritual inclinations - Polarity seeks to encourage the free-flow of life force (energy/prana/chi) within the human system. This is achieved through three types of touching: static touching targeting the cranial-sacral system; deeper tissue i.e. acupressure and reflexology; and rocking motions. This modality creates a comforting and grounded space for the body to do what it needs to do to re-calibrate itself and to release.<br />
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What is exceedingly more remarkable than this brilliant modality is the practitioner: <a href="http://www.christenbridgwater.com/" target="_blank">Christen Bridgwater</a>. I have worked with Christen for a couple of years now, and I can honestly say that I have not met anyone as grounded and fully present in reality as Christen. She has a very soft-spoken innocuous demeanor that belies such a manifestation of true power and strength. I am fortunate to have crossed paths with her and can honestly say that I have experienced tremendous spiritual growth through my association with her.<br />
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Prior to my first session, she instructed me to meditate on what I needed from the bodywork and from her specifically. Over the next several days, the answer that arose (not from my mind but from my body itself) was that my body wished to be healed, deprogrammed and released. It was seeking a hard factory reset: to be restored to its original condition before my mind had learned to fear and hate and to judge. This goal articulated itself early one morning, and then there was a torrential downpour all that morning. A universal sign of the cleansing that had already been set in motion more than a decade ago when I first stepped onto my yoga mat. Perhaps even prior to that.<br />
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So the initial session began with a lovely chat to touch base and Christen shared some mantras for me to concentrate on during the session to help my body in releasing and healing. The mantras: "You are worthy." "Thank you for loving me." "You are loved." She coached me to be open and receiving - two very challenging states for me to soften into.<br />
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Once on the table, Christen gently but firmly held my ankles for some time, inducing stillness to help me relax. As I paused in stillness here, Christen later told me that she could feel me stopping my cranial rhythms for long stretches of time to facilitate a release in my deep nervous system. I experienced lengthening sensations from my hips through my toes. She then began to manipulate my ankles, flexing them and holding them. She then (painfully!) cracked and stretched out each of my toes. Although it was intense sensation, I began to reframe the experience in my mind where at the point of "pain," I concentrated ALL of my retained hurt and pain to that point and worked to release it through my toe.<br />
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That's the key to FREEDOM I believe we are all looking for on some level - to be able to let go of stored pain and trauma and open back up to the world and to all life has to offer. To deprogram all of our social and learned conditioning and to experience each moment as it unfolds without needing reference points or to categorize or label or judge. To come back to a place of wonder and amazement and appreciation. It is a space where we remain open and vulnerable.<br />
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Christen then worked up to my neck and shoulders and then to my hips and thighs. Each part of our body has a corresponding elemental association. The yang and yin are in constant motion, seeking harmony and balance always. The body also seeks to balance itself by communicating, for example hips harmonizing with shoulders. The body also contains all of the elements of earth, water, fire, air and ether, again seeking harmonious existence within.<br />
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I have a very strong yang imbalance, meaning my body must balance out its fire, high energy and heat with less DOING and more BEING. Seeking situations where I can soften and listen and receive rather than driving and striving and pushing. This is scary stuff for me! To accept that I am WORTHY exactly as I am; that my intrinsic value is unaffected by outward accomplishments, success and material possessions. In order to find this yin space, I realized that I somehow must release my big, strong, protective ball of anger.<br />
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This inner burning ball of fury has been my main survival mechanism for decades. To release it means to acknowledge the role it has played in my evolution and honor that it was what i needed at the time. But my heart's deepest desire is to exist in a space of peace, tranquility and equanimity where that anger is no longer needed. Anger is a powerful, driving energy that can be channeled to fuel success but can also be unleashed at inopportune times causing pain and wreaking havoc.<br />
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Over the next week, I felt intense throbbing sensations moving from my right psoas, through my hip and my knee. I knew it was a downward release of all the anger that had been stored in my gut and my hip and my thigh. The sensations were extremely intense, often times even painful. The thought that continually surfaced was to abandon my inner life and be fully grounded in the present.<br />
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My moods will fluctuate daily and even several times a day, but in spite of my temporary mood, I must strive to be steady in all of my interactions with others. Drop everything within and be present. So many people around me are hurting and need my support. Forget my inner thought life and be present for others. Live in THIS moment.<br />
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Stay tuned for Session 2!<br />
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-61168686764134650332016-06-22T15:12:00.003-07:002016-06-22T15:12:48.471-07:00Finding Balance<div style="text-align: justify;">
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So my last several blog posts have been pretty fucking deep and dark and redemptive. That's where I'd been kinda stuck recently. As I look back, I kinda feel that I've been overly dramatic. I mean, seriously, whining about having to teach soooooo many yoga classes each day, every day and how it sucked my entire soul. Don't get me wrong - that's exactly what it FELT like and ALL feelings are valid. But something about putting some distance between your emotions and your reaction time lends a clearer perspective. And also the simple act of identifying your imbalances and working to correct them.</div>
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So as I dumped a bunch of classes and have had EVERY WEEKEND OFF since Memorial Day weekend, the pendulum has rapidly swung the other way!!! I've morphed back into one serious party girl again! In the city every weekend with my 20-something squad! Living life loud and fast and slightly on the edge of control.</div>
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It just feels so good to feel good again, ya know? To allow myself happiness once again. To make time for myself and my friends. To get a bit crazy and out of control. No need to go into huge details here lol! Just suffice it to say that the month of June 2016 has been round two of my 20s! Fortunately on a much more restrained level, mainly because my 20-something squad has much less energy and sense of adventure than me! Sorry Migle and Alexus - but you know I'm right!!</div>
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After working my assana off the past few years in my new career as a yoga instructor, I put almost EVERYTHING into building it. Cultivating a solid base of students. Building my own knowledge base. Rigorously trying to hang on to my personal practice. Most importantly, trying to make it financially solely through my own sweat and effort and work ethic. I've finally reached a point where the sheer FEAR of making "enough" to sustain myself has been overshadowed by exhaustion and burnout. Which turned out to be the best thing ever for me.</div>
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It has forced me to pull back. Balance it out a little more. Sometimes I don't even know how to act when I have TWO days off in a row! Saturday mornings have been when I do my "long" run, and you only show up hungover for that kind of thing ONCE - or if you're ME, TWICE. Then you soon learn to lay slightly lower on Friday nights! But it certainly beats laying low because you know you have FOUR classes to teach on Saturday. And then Saturday night you're so exhausted and crabby that it makes no sense to try to do too much.</div>
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Now, my Saturday nights are rockstar events because I've already gotten up and RUN and probably done some yoga ... guilt-free night with my squad! I've literally been in love at least three times this past month! Perhaps love isn't the best word.... But I digress.</div>
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This post is about finding balance. Isn't it something that we all struggle with? I've flown through most of my life; my only stabilizers have been relationships. Oftentimes, those of us who avoid being grounded and stable are actually running from pain. To be grounded means to be rooted in our physical bodies and that's where we store so much pain and grief and trauma. THIS is why as yogis we are always working out different emotions and coming to so many realizations about ourselves.</div>
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I get it - not all yogis are recovering heroin addicts. But through my own personal practice and my experience as an instructor, we certainly all have room to let go of some shit and find space where there once was pain, tightness, illness, regret, whatever!! </div>
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And it all comes back to seeking balance. It's pretty easy to live in the extremes. All in or all out. Go hard or go home. Do or die. Fight or flight. Balance is standing your ground while chaos swirls around you. It's knowing when you've lost it and recalibrating yourself back to your center. It's realizing that you can do ANYTHING just not EVERYTHING. It's doing your best without beating yourself up. It's having fun while still taking care of yourself and respecting your body. It's knowing when to hold on and when to let go.</div>
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As our circumstances shift, our experiences transform us, we are forced to adapt in order to maintain our balance. And it is a constant, daily, lifelong practice. </div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-76705638127915413662016-06-15T18:37:00.000-07:002016-06-15T18:54:58.593-07:00From My Heart to Yours<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Have you ever occluded your heart? Closed it for an entire season? Shuttered it up and safely secured it and just left it alone in stillness? Have you ever done it for so many seasons, that you didn't even realize what you'd done? You just went through the motions of living and practically FORGOT you had a heart and what it felt like to FEEL?</div>
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The thing about your beautiful, amazing heart is that it is infinitely patient. It keeps beating in the background until you are STRONG enough and BRAVE enough to re-open it. It doesn't care how long or why. It waits.</div>
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You stay super busy. And work until exhaustion. You avoid it. You project onto others. You beat yourself up. Repeatedly. You attack others as a defense mechanism to keep them far away. You shove down any little murmurs from your heart with whatever is close. Food. Sugar. Alcohol. Sex. Prescription drugs. Non-prescription drugs. Shopping. You immerse yourself in the PHYSICAL practice of yoga or running or lifting or whatever. You try a new type of bodywork. You get engaged. Several times. Married a couple more. You have your chakras aligned. You do a 10 day silent retreat. You see a therapist. You have a reading done. You chant. You do a detox. You go gluten-free. You become vegan. You try all types of supplements and essential oils. You buy some more Jimmy Choos. You change careers. You become a yoga teacher. You have an Ayurvedic consultation. And on and on and on.</div>
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And then one day, you look up from the grindstone and it occurs to you: I'm fucking miserable! And you start to look a little closer at this sham of a life you've created where you've only been fooling yourself! And you start to quietly listen in stillness to hear your heart's deepest longing. It doesn't blame you for wasted days, months, years, decades. It simply reminds you of what you already knew.</div>
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And you slowly, bravely, painstakingly peel layer after layer, barrier after barrier. And once you think you're done, you realize there's so much more to peel away. So you do the work. Make some significant lifestyle changes. Let go and release those things you've been clinging to. And this generates more energy flow from your heart center. You breathe just a teeny tiny bit more deeply. Your poor battered body and mind release stored tensions, stress, traumas. You start to find more ease.</div>
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As your battered yet somehow untouched and unbreakable heart continues to be liberated, it starts emitting its lovely frequency again. And it reaches and touches other beautiful hearts that are drawn into your life. Some are new. Others have been there all along, just waiting. And your heart continues to open and shed and it literally just buoys in your chest. So light that it would float away if it wasn't for your ribcage. But now your heart KNOWS. It APPRECIATES. It is filled once again with GRATITUDE and WONDER and AMAZEMENT at well, EVERYTHING! </div>
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And your heart finally realizes that just because someone touches your heart or plays a song on your heartstrings, that person doesn't for an iota of a second OWE you anything. You are not bound to that person for life - though the connection will always remain. That heart may have come to TEACH you a valuable lesson. Maybe YOU were their lesson. They are not responsible for your happiness or well-being. Only YOU, beautiful, strong, brave YOU have that power and that gift.</div>
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We are all here on our personal quests, our personal journeys. Unique to us. Lived and experienced by us. It is a BLESSING when someone comes along and shares part of your journey. Maybe your entire journey. Maybe one lovely soulful evening. </div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-55263323749423176372016-05-25T15:40:00.000-07:002016-05-25T15:54:49.381-07:00The Anatomy of A Yoga Teacher Burnout<div style="text-align: justify;">
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For years, even before I became a yoga teacher, my name was synonymous with yoga for those who knew me. It was a blessing and a gift for me. I've been told by other instructors that they would literally see me come alive on my mat! I'd walk into the studio in a business suit and high heels with a very serious look on my face; and then this amazing, free spirit would emerge while on my mat. I loved yoga soooooo much. It did make me feel alive; so much so that all of my free time revolved around my practice. Pretty soon, even my work schedule became affected by my ability to practice at some point during the day.</div>
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And I was an entirely different person on my mat! Happy, calm, grounded, focused and determined. My practice made me feel STRONG, capable, beautiful, light-hearted, at ease and amazing! So I took a leap of faith and signed up for teacher training. Retired from the public sector. And looked forward to long days practicing and teaching yoga - deepening my physical practice and sharing my passion and the gift of yoga to every single person in the entire world.</div>
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So, the first ingredient of yoga teacher burnout (YTB) is to say YES to every single class offered to you! The 6 ams and the 8 pms. Preferably on the SAME day. And to teach SEVEN days a week! It was a slow build, but within my first several months of teaching, I began a 22+ class a week, seven days a week teaching schedule. And I did this for close to two years. I've blogged about the process of <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2015/01/another-lesson-in-letting-go.html">Letting Go</a> of some classes as well as how I devolved from <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2015/05/fat-yoga-teacher-how-i-went-from-yoga.html">Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass</a> so i won't go into detail on that here.</div>
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After teaching a couple of 6 am classes a week for a couple of years and then dropping them, the feeling of pure luxury and contentment in SLEEPING IN on those mornings until 6 a.m. (rather than 4:30 a.m.) is indescribable. Pure, sublime, blissful joy. It feels like the biggest gift ever! Same thing with finally taking Sundays off! Just one single day off during the week is EVERYTHING! So this new, lighter load of classes combined with a single day off during the week became my new norm. And the renewed sense of energy lasted for another year and a half.</div>
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Throughout this process, I stopped consistently practicing during my free time. The second ingredient for YTB - not renewing your source of inspiration, light and love. The bloom was faded from the rose. My mat no longer summoned me. In order to rekindle my passion, I committed myself to practicing each day for an entire year! It was my <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2015/05/365-days-of-yoga-lessons-learned.html">365 Days of Yoga Journey</a> and I learned so much about myself during that solid year.</div>
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So this new leaner schedule, 18 classes taught six days a week afforded me some breathing room. But I was still teaching all day and also evenings. I started finding a little more balance with work and life. But recently, the old burnout began to creep in again. So I gave up some evening classes late in 2015 to give myself Thursday nights off. And last month I gave up two more classes so now I no longer teach on Wednesday nights! And this Saturday will be my first Saturday not teaching four classes since 2012! This extra time and energy in my schedule has again freed up some much needed energy, positivity and released so much tension from my body.</div>
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Even though I would get huge chunks of "time off" during the day, it didn't truly feel like free time, as I was still anticipating teaching more classes during the evenings. So it still felt as though I was either teaching or getting ready to teach with still little energy leftover to carve out some leisure time for myself.</div>
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One of the biggest reasons full-time yoga teachers have to hustle so hard is because we are paid per class. We are mostly independent contractors, so most of us have no employer benefits such as health care, sick days and paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So the need to teach as many classes as humanly possible in order to survive in a field that you absolutely love is REAL. But somewhere along the way, chasing more and more classes becomes just too much. You must sacrifice to be able to physically, mentally, emotionally BRING IT each class. My biggest sacrifice has turned out to be taking truly great care of myself. Allowing myself ample time to relax and recharge. Providing myself opportunities to socialize and let my hair down in an environment that has absolutely ZERO to do with yoga. And these sacrifices have taken their toll over the past few years. Third YTB ingredient: not balancing work with the rest of your life.</div>
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I am currently down to a mere 14 classes each week, five days a week and only working two weekday evenings. This is my new normal for now. I'm allowing myself to take it light and easy this summer and see how and if my relationship with yoga can be rekindled. The biggest step for me now is to trust in the abundance of the universe to provide for me. Without having to hustle and scrape by.</div>
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And the universe does deliver! When I gave up my Thursday evening classes, I was hired to lead a private cleanse. When I gave up my Wednesday evening classes just last month, I picked up a regular weekly private. So important to trust in the abundance of life - and not get caught in the fearful cycle of scarcity. There is enough and even more than that! </div>
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So I choose to move from love; love for myself and my well-being. I trust that everything is unfolding as it should! And I commit to using this new time and energy to once again find my inner strength. To create balance for myself. To learn new things. Build new areas of my life. The future is bright!</div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-54044248224364260682016-04-16T06:59:00.002-07:002016-04-16T07:13:01.912-07:00LA Yoga<div style="text-align: justify;">
Last time I was in LA (2009), I was not yet an instructor. So my perspective was definitely a lot different. In 2009, I practiced EVERY single day I was here from City Yoga in West Hollywood (don't think it's there anymore) to Exhale in Venice Beach to YogaWorks in LA and even CorePower in San Diego. Back then, I was OBSESSED with the physical practice of yoga. As my practice has deepened, my perspective has naturally shifted as well. </div>
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As an instructor, my obsession with my physical practice has diminished greatly - I no longer measure my own sense of self-worth based on my poses; an illusion (maya) that was very dominant in my life at one point. I find my interest shifting toward my breath work (pranayama) and my meditation practice (dhyana). Oh. And actually getting to my mat to practice!!!</div>
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So it was such a checkpoint for me to come back to LA seven years later to observe shifts in my own practice and hence my life. </div>
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<u>DISCLAIMER</u>: It's important for me to be perfectly clear that I have the utmost respect for all yogis- we are all in different places on our journey. ANY person that unrolls their mat and takes an opportunity to shine some light into the deepest, darkest places of their psyche and soul and hip flexors has ALL of my respect. This blog is meant to chronicle my personal journey and is not meant to throw shade on any of my fellow yogis. Well maybe a little but only if she had it coming.</div>
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So fastforward to 2016. As I'm preparing for my 2016 spring break, I make plans to meet my yoga buddy Danny Sheu for a class. He sends me a link to an article chronicling the "8 Best Yoga Teachers" in LA. So of course, I pick the hottest dude on the list, and we go from there. No need to discuss the irony of the article itself.</div>
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I arrive at YogaWorks South Bay (with Julian) shockingly early for class! Danny says he"ll go ahead and set our mats up, so I take a quick walk over to Whole Foods to get my teenager acclimated to the area, since he'll be meandering around on his own for the next couple of hours (90 minute class).<br />
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I walk up the stairs and into YogaWorks South Bay and I'm greeted with such a warm welcome from the front desk receptionist. I'm not sure what Danny told the instructor Sean Gray about me, but he told Danny that I should practice as his guest! What a complete honor! Not to mention, I saved $22!<br />
I walked into the studio and it looked EXACTLY like you would imagine a level 3 LA yoga class to look like! Filled with tight, toned, tanned amazing bodies. Predominantly white. Lotsa blondes. Average age of probably 30. There were a few people of color sprinkled into the mix, including Danny, me and some others. They too looked healthy and toned and VIBRANT with wellness. I felt like a fricken rebel in class when my chubby Midwest belly kept popping out of my pants!!!!<br />
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I settled onto the mat that Danny had set up for me in a seated forward fold with my eyes closed. It felt amazing to just BE on my mat. I suddenly felt and heard someone loudly smack their mat down next to me. There's an etiquette to participating in a group yoga class; generally being loud, obnoxious and disruptive is frowned upon. oh wait, that's in life, too. I looked up and it was a skinny blond beatch with an attitude. I tried to smile at her (this was after all a YO-GAH class) and she responded by picking up a yoga towel and tossing it OVER MY HEAD onto Danny's mat next to me.<br />
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So. Here I was at a crossroad. I'd been in this scenario hundreds of times throughout my life. Different bitch. Same attitude. And except for that one time when I cowered before an older bully in middle school (or maybe BECAUSE of that) I would invariably STAND UP and GET IN A BITCH'S FACE. And trust me, the urge was so strong. But I paused. And I took a deep breath. And I ignored her.<br />
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First of all, I was in a GREAT mood and didn't want to give that cunt the power to ruin it for me. Secondly, I was the GUEST of the instructor. And thirdly, is that even a word? I was the guest of my FRIEND Danny. So I let it slide. And then Danny walks in and blondie jumps up and starts gesturing toward me. I interrupted them and asked Danny if we should switch spaces (so I wouldn't be stuck next to that rude hoe.) He said that it was fine and I could see him placating her. Whatevs. I was on my first vacay in two years and my first spring break in four. She was so not worth my time.<br />
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So as this grueling level 3 class progressed, I saw that the blond next to me had an absolutely AMAZING physical practice. She was absolutely lovely and graceful and so strong. And it just reminded me that the PHYSICAL practice means NOTHING if it doesn't pierce the layers of ego and pride and self-righteousness. The discipline and dedication it takes to evolve the physical practice is meant to translate OFF of the mat and SPILL into your LIFE. So that you can be beautiful and graceful and lovely to actual people. Yoga is not about nailing a POSE. It's about learning the art of living.<br />
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About an hour and some change into class, we started working inversions and backbending, so I dragged my mat against the wall between two lovely yogis. At this point I was almost face to face with blondie who did not need the assistance of the wall. She busted out an absolutely breathtaking scorpion handstand (something I DREAM of one day doing possibly in this lifetime.) The thing about yoga is that the challenge of the physical practice peels away the unnecessary bullshit. So I called out to blondie and told her how beautiful her scorpion was. She responded with the tightest bitchiest whispered pastiche of a smile. Or maybe she just felt gassy from her vegan fiber-rich diet.<br />
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Against the wall, the girl to my right and I did our work in a comfortable and pleasant silent camaraderie. Then we started in a backbend facing the wall where we walked up to standing then used the wall to walk back down into backbend. The girl to my right and I were in perfect sync with our first backbend, but as I walked up the wall, she stayed down. I came back down and while we were preparing for round 2, I impulsively looked over at her and said "c'mon girl, let's do this." In perfect juxtaposition, the gorgeous young girl looked over at me and the first words she said were, "OMG, I love you so much right now. I'm so scared to do this." So we did it together and SHE DID IT for the FIRST TIME in her life. We started giggling together and chatting for the next few moments. I was just as happy for her as she was for herself. And Sean even made a comment about the two of us giggling in backbends.<br />
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We started the cooling sequence and went into our final resting pose - a well deserved savasana. After class, the young girl introduced herself and gave me the biggest hug. Her name is Helen, she must have been about 21 or 22. She asked me a ton of questions and was so disappointed when I told her I was from out of town. So though Helen does not yet have mastery of some of the more challenging poses, she ventured from her comfort zone and took Sean's level 3 class. She had been intimidated to take that class for MONTHS. And I feel so fortunate that our paths crossed because it was the perfect ending to something that had started out far less than ideal.<br />
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I caught up with Danny who introduced me to blondie; I won't call her out by name but she is actually an instructor at the studio where she was practicing next to me AND a "famous" IG yogi! She was extremely cool (ice princess not homegirl) and showed zero interest in actually meeting me. Danny later explained that he had also saved a space for her with his towel (ya know, the one she chucked straight over my head while looking me dead in my face) so she thought that I had stolen her spot. ummmmmm.... ok.<br />
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I get it. We all have bad days. We all react impulsively rather than thoughtfully at times. I'm actually glad that little incident happened, because it showed me that I always have a choice in my attitude and response, but there will ALWAYS be an unhappy person who lashes out; there will always be another BEATCH. I know that i have the discipline to take a deep breath and refuse to ENGAGE. Sometimes I can't simply walk away, I was anchored there with Danny for that entire class. And that was my yoga for the day! Maintaining my own equanimity. Still working on sending more love to people like that who probably really need it.<br />
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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<br />Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-76393735723101199522016-01-25T08:47:00.002-08:002016-01-25T08:47:34.770-08:00What I Learned from My Uncle's Death<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i><b>Tempis Fugit, Carpe Diem et Memento Mori</b></i></div>
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Time Flees, Seize the Day and Remember You Must Die</div>
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One of my favorite uncles passed away recently, which served as a reminder to me that we all must die. We tend to not want to think about DEATH - we push it away and pretend that it may just pass over our house. Yet, what could be more natural? We know that anything living must one day die. In this way Death becomes the best and greatest teacher of LIFE.</div>
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My uncle was an exceptional man; an immigrant from the Philippines to this country; a husband, father, brother, uncle and friend to so many. A physician that treated thousands, including so many back in his home country that didn't have access to proper healthcare. He served as President of the Philippine Medical Society in NYC for many years. He loved life. He was an accomplished ballroom dancer and dance teacher, even choreographing his daughter's first dance with her husband and the father-daughter dance at her wedding. He was generous and funny and kind and brilliant. The way he lived his life, full and busy and brimming with activity, was exemplary. </div>
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His death became a celebration of his LIFE; it brought much of our family together again, a challenging feat since we are scattered in LA, Portland, Chicago and Manila. It was something that I realized I sorely needed. A homecoming to remember not only my uncle, but to remember who I am and where I come from.</div>
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Life carries on, evidenced in the next generation of our family. Within these young souls, we invest our love and our hopes and dreams for the brightness and possibilities of their limitless futures. But we are also reminded that we are still among the living, and until we take our final breath and pass on, we too have endless possibilities with our remaining days.<br />
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So attending the wake, funeral mass and cremation of my uncle was of course bittersweet. Saying goodbye to Uncle Manny was a definite reminder of my own mortality and also that of my own parents. But what a blessing to remember to appreciate the days, minutes, moments and breaths that I still have with them.<br />
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Having to take some time off also provided me with some much needed perspective of where and how I am spending my precious time and energy, and I am not entirely satisfied with what I am seeing. It literally took someone to die for me to take some time off from teaching. A funeral should not seem like a vacation, but three days off in a row - basically a long weekend - felt like I won the powerball! And I even flew home on Sunday to lead a workshop that same afternoon. </div>
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The irony of a yoga teacher needing to find balance in her own life is not lost on me! Anyone who works their passion to make a living can relate - it becomes a hustle to make ends meet while pursuing what you know to be your dharma, your calling in life.<br />
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I've realized it's about TRUST and LETTING GO. Trusting the ABUNDANCE in life rather than getting stuck in that endless frenetic cycle of teaching as many classes as humanly possible to make more money but then collapsing in a heap at the end of the day, totally depleted and resentful.<br />
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I'm still learning the art of living from my dear departed Uncle Manny. He definitely worked hard but made family life and simply living his life and pursuing his passions a priority as well.<br />
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Tempis Fugit. Carpe Diem. et Memento Mori.<br />
Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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<br />Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-13473439411547234192015-10-19T08:05:00.002-07:002015-10-19T08:05:24.093-07:0021 Day Detox - FIFTH TIME<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I'm on day 15 of my fifth 21 day detox. The first one was in 2012, and I did one annually in 2013 and 2014. This is my second time for 2015; the first was in January. The detox:</div>
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Vegan<br />
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No gluten<br />
No caffeine<br />
No alcohol<br />
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Each time I've embarked on this journey, I've gained a keener awareness of patterns of consumption in my life. How you do anything is literally how you do anything. So observing my complex (and sometimes neurotic) relationship with food becomes a penetrating insight into all aspects of my life. </div>
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Each cleanse is a drastically different experience, where each 21 day detox builds upon the last. Here are my insights and lessons learned.</div>
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1. Sugar, caffeine and alcohol are literally DRUGS that artificially alter moods, energy levels and even physiological responses such as bodily functions and hormone levels. Well, no DUH, right? We all KNOW that - but this time I had an acute awareness within the first day of how significantly different my body feels without those substances. It is a recognition that pierced through the mental cognition and connected with my physical body. A yoking of mind and body became a true Oprah a-ha moment. </div>
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2. I've become aware of the distinct difference between filling myself up and truly nourishing myself. In the emotionally turbulent year I've had trying to bridge my new role as a yoga teacher with my former (and still lingering) patterns of mindlessness, I found myself consuming things that "fill up" my mind, my tummy, my time with junk rather than truly moving toward wellness and nourishment.<br />
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It's easier to go through the drive-through or grab a latte than slowing down to mindfully select how to fuel your body. This is also true with who we spend time with, how we spend our time and how we fill our minds. How many squandered minutes, hours do we devote to mindlessly scrolling the newsfeed of IG or FB or Twitter? How often do we go on autopilot to fill our time with activities and even people that don't truly nourish us?<br />
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Awareness of stale patterns is the first step to living more purposefully.</div>
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3. Complacency and comfort are oftentimes the enemies. Sticking to the status quo or living out of habit rather than true mindfulness and awareness is so much easier, more comfortable and safe. But is that the way you want to live your life? If the answer is yes, then I am happy that you are happy. But there is something within me that has been resisting the notion of societally defined success as my definition of success. Sure, in my lower moments, I realize that I could easily take the blue Matrix pill and try to return to a life where I am comfy, financially stable; or I could find a man to rescue me and take care of me (this old horse still has a few races left in her!); but I'm much more fulfilled when I can comprehend the true nature of self-reliance: that IS my stability, that is my ease and comfort and security. I can rely on myself to excel and to survive. This knowledge allows me to cease the endless cycle of worry, doubt and fear.<br />
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4. I've begun to pierce through my own layers of self-perception and realize that some of my own assumptions of myself are no longer valid! We like to label others and categorize them so they can neatly fit into our little mental world that we've constructed. We do this for safety reasons; we want to have control over our lives and those people and situations that enter our orbit must be controlled and safely and neatly dealt with and put away. We do this with ourselves too! Based on our past experiences, usually experiences that have hurt us or made us feel vulnerable, humiliated, sad, we construct mental parameters that define who we are. Based on this mental image, our minds work extremely hard to alter our perception of reality in order to protect our mental world.<br />
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I've come to realize that my own self-image is so dramatically tied to my interactions with others and their perceptions of me! This cleanse has provided so much clarity to me in the arena - how so much of my behavior and my reactions and interactions are tied to "expectations" and learned behavior. I've been slowly peeling away layer after layer to discover that I am so much more grounded and stable than I once thought or was told. </div>
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5. Food and alcohol tends to be an agent of complacency and conformity. After all, we just want to be liked! And to fit in. To be accepted by friends, family, peers and colleagues. Much of ourconditioned socializing surrounds eating and drinking! </div>
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My previous forays into cleansing included a lot of self-seclusion to stay strong and avoid temptation. This go-round I've found myself sharing many meals with friends where I'm truly not tempted at all by the crap they shovel into their bodies. 😂😂😂 </div>
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I've also responded to invitations to meet for coffee or tea with a yes, let's get together, but how about we walk instead? Or take a yoga class together? </div>
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Each moment, each breath, each experience provides the opportunity to break the old patterns of habit before they become chains of dependency and slavery. </div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-31441830926592765662015-09-08T09:01:00.000-07:002015-09-08T09:01:21.870-07:00Liberation<div style="text-align: justify;">
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One thing I have learned is that my only true chance at liberation is to face my fears and EXPOSE them to render them powerless over me. This blog is an integral step in this process for me. Oftentimes, facing our fears isn't a tremendous act of bravery but rather just being tired of being stuck in a certain situation fabricated and intensified by the mind.</div>
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For those of you that have read my <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2015/05/fat-yoga-teacher-how-i-went-from-yoga.html">Fat Yoga Teacher</a> blog, you are aware of the challenges I've been facing regarding weight gain and body image. The struggle is REAL, even for (especially for) a professional yoga instructor. And I am frankly tired of beating myself up and being so critical and mean and judgey toward my body! I am tired of my self-esteem being so intricately tied into how I look and most importantly how I perceive others to judge me or be attracted to me (or not) for my physical shell. <<< it's exhausting being so neurotic. not exactly sure what I just said.</div>
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I am tired of feeling bad about my body because it's not 22 anymore and it's not as tiny or firm or conventionally "attractive" or "sexy" as the media tells me it should be. As I tell myself it should be. So as an act of liberation, I exposed my body in a bikini on a paddle board in the midst of a public lake. Without the crutches of shorts or a coverup. </div>
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This was super scary stuff for me. But it also felt amazingly liberating! Doing yoga requires a lot of bending over and twisting and other movements that make you feel vulnerable and exposed - but doing them in a bikini in the middle of a lake while the instructor paddles around taking pictures takes it to the next level.<br />
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But it felt really good to accept my body exactly as it is - focusing on how strong and capable it is rather than the optics of it. We are our own worst critics! The horrible things that we say to ourselves we wouldn't even dream of saying to those we care about or even to perfect strangers.<br />
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So let's liberate ourselves, ladies! Let's stop judging ourselves and other women based on their looks! Let's stop looking at the extremely doctored images in ads and feeling inferior! Let's transform our ATTITUDES towards our bodies and let our bodies be free of judgment and perceived shortcomings. Let's stop conforming to conventional wisdom of beauty and appreciating it in ALL shapes, sizes, colors. Let's enjoy foods that we love without GUILT or punishment. Let's move our bodies in ways that feel good; nourish our bodies in ways that produce happiness; speak of our bodies only in reverence.<br />
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Once we start LOVING our own bodies with all its perceived flaws and imperfections, the less threatened we will feel by others. What we see in ourselves is what we also see in others. How we judge ourselves is how we judge others.<br />
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Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!</div>
Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-16409823955836748012015-07-15T11:31:00.000-07:002015-07-15T11:31:08.100-07:00Naked. Dark. And Floating.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In my continual exploration of the mind-body connection, I took the <span style="text-align: center;">opportunity to go to <a href="http://www.floatnaperville.com/?gclid=CM_7sKrP3cYCFY81aQod14gM9Q">Annica Float Club</a> in Naperville and experience an hour in a sensory deprivation tank also called a flotation tank. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Tell me more, you say? Basically, you float in a dark, soundproof tank in skin temperature water in which 1,000 pounds of Epsom salts have been dissolved. The benefits reported are mental, emotional, psychological and physical. I won't list the numerous benefits here - if you're interested, there's TONS of </span>information out there. Many professional and Olympic athletes use float tanks to increase performance, prevent injuries, dramatically reduce muscle recovery time and most importantly improve visualization of success. Others with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, stress and many other health related ailments find lasting relief through floating.</div>
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I wasn't sure what to expect - it sounded super relaxing. The added bonus is that the owners of Annica Float are fellow Vipassana mediators - so it was definitely worth an hour of my day.</div>
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So, I arrived at Annica Float Club and met the lovely owner Lindsay. We sat and chatted for a few minutes as I signed the requisite release forms; then she gave me a tour and made sure I was prepped for my float.</div>
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I popped in some ear plugs and took a quick shower in order to remove any oils and residues from my body. I then stepped into the float room which was a warm, quiet, private bath spa. I rested on my back and floated right on top of the dense salt water. </div>
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I think it took me a few minutes - don't know for sure, because I felt like I was in a time and space vaccuum! - to soften and relax. Interestingly, the most challenging part to relax was my neck! Eventually, through calm steady breathing, I felt my neck soften and the back of my head and ears sank below the surface of the water. All I could hear was the sound of my breath. </div>
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Once you find a comfortable position, it is recommended that you float in stillness. As I ceased moving my body, I felt the sensation of my arms just naturally floating above my head. It was so calming and relaxing! There is a dim blue light that is on in the tank which I opted to switch off so that I could float in total darkness. Some time was spent in feeling each tiny twitch and itch in my body, especially on my face. I practiced watching the sensations without reacting to them, overcoming the urge to move and fidget.</div>
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Soon, all I heard was the sound of my heart beating. The steady, rhythmic source of my life, and I thought to myself, "No wonder I love the beat of drums so much; it reminds me of my heartbeat! or maybe it reminds me of hearing my mother's heartbeat while I lived in her womb." </div>
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The sensation of the body temperature water that I floated in and the surrounding air temperature that was equally maintained created a sensation of not knowing where my skin ended and the water began. Soon, I lost connection to my body - which is only a temporary vehicle anyway - realizing that my mind still existed. So I started watching the randomness of my thoughts which is exactly what my meditation practice entails. After a few moments of acknowledging the surfacing of some obscure memories, I felt an overwhelming sense of just BEING. A total transcendence of owning or wanting any possessions and the urge to DO or achieve. Just floating in the darkness with such a sense of peace and tranquility. Simply BEING.</div>
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Another interesting part of this experience was my total lack of fear in the pitch blackness. I still run through my house when it's pitch black with this unfounded fear of what is unseen behind me - usually the boogeyman or a serial killer. In this darkness, I found no fear; only peace enveloped me. As in some of my meditations, there is a swirling and patterning of colors around the space between my eyebrows. I experienced that while floating, and I opened my eyes; and I could still clearly see the swirling color energies. I had a moment where I couldn't be sure if my eyes were really open or not.</div>
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At this point, my mind started to stir again. I began to anticipate the lights coming back on, signaling the end of my session. Although Lindsay recommended total stillness, I began small wavelike motions with my body, feeling so light and lithe in the heavy water. That motion triggered a vague feeling of nausea, much like motion sickness. Soon after, the lights went on and started flashing, ending my floating session.</div>
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I stirred from my float in a dream-like state. Stepping right out of the float spa directly into the shower to remove the heavy Epsom salt from my body and hair. I got dressed and was greeted by Lindsay in the reception area where we sipped some lovely herbal tea together and discussed the float and all aspects of life.</div>
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I left feeling a bit in a trance state, still processing this amazing experience! I definitely plan to go back again! Now that my mind and body are accustomed to the experience, I hope to access deeper theta states.</div>
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Is this meditative, healing therapy for you? </div>
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I would definitely recommend it if you are interested in:</div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica!!! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-49698094990259152692015-07-05T17:39:00.001-07:002015-07-05T18:47:03.801-07:00I Got Cupped!<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Cupping is an ancient Eastern practice where cups made of either glass, plastic or bamboo are placed on strategic areas of the energetic body (either with heat or manually pumped) to stimulate areas of tissue that have become blocked. The suction of the cups (which are applied from 5-20 minutes) clears stagnant lymphs by drawing toxins to the surface from deep tissues and increases blood circulation to those blocked areas.</div>
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It looks much worse than it feels!! Cupping has been around for thousands of years and can be traced back to ancient China and Egypt. It has gained popularity once again in the West thanks to celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham. You also may have noticed many Olympic athletes with the tell-tale cup-hickies on their bodies. Cupping therapy is now widely used by many physical therapists and massage therapists for a wide range of injuries.</div>
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I've practiced yoga and meditation regularly for the past decade and have included massage therapy as part of my wellness program for that time frame as well. I'm always exploring holistic and alternative approaches to wellness. I chose to get cupped to address some specific areas of pain in my body. I've had chronic right shoulder pain and tightness for more than a decade now, which I once thought was caused by stress. I also experience tightness in my right psoas and occasionally I have sciatic pain. All on the right side of my body.</div>
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So how exactly does it work? The creation of negative pressure (suction) softens tight muscles, loosens areas of dehydration and lifts connective tissues in order to hydrate body tissues with increased hydration of blood and lymphs. The toxins that are raised are then drained by the lymphatic pathways. It essentially awakens areas of the body that have been blocked and stagnant creating invigoration and a profound and prompt level of healing, creating smooth and healthy glowing skin.</div>
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The application of the cups feels like an intense pinching sensation that lessens over time. I felt a great sense of relief and release when the cups were removed!</div>
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The marks left by the cupping procedure vary on individuals based on the level of toxicity in the body. They are not painful, and while mine look like large bruises or hickeys, they are not tender to the touch. The red purplish color is supposed to be dead blood that was brought to the surface.</div>
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I felt fine after my cupping procedure - it was after a 60 minute foot and body massage, so my muscles and connective tissues had been cleared out and circulation was ripe for the procedure. It wasn't until several hours later, once I was home and relaxed, that I began to feel the effects.</div>
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I'd had a pretty active and full day, but nothing more than my normal daily routine. I was hit by a sensation of exhaustion and nausea, so I soaked in a long, luxurious bubble bath for several minutes. I had a reaction similar to an allergy attack, where my nasal passages felt inflammed and clogged. </div>
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I then sat to meditate and felt strong, thick pulsation sensations coursing through my shoulders and neck into my sinus cavities. Then my nasal passages suddenly released, and I blew my nose every few minutes for a <u>couple of hours</u> - it was thin, clear liquid. I am guessing it was my lymphatic system draining additional toxins. I also urinated (sorry if this is TMI!) gallons of liquid during that time frame!</div>
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At that point I began to roll my neck in circles in both directions, and I could hear a ton of crunchiness in my neck. After I stopped rolling my neck, I took a deep breath in. My nasal passages felt clear and I experienced an amazing feeling of clarity, of a rush of pure oxygen right into my brain. My vision sharpened and I felt blood coursing throughout my entire body, including my psoas and right down to my feet.</div>
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It was an amazing sensation of lightness and sharpness. I slept like a baby all night, and when I woke up, my right shoulder felt amazing! Still some lingering tightness in my right psoas, but it feels a lot longer. And no sciatic pain! </div>
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There are many true believers of cupping, and of course, many skeptics. I believe in the power of the mind and body connection. I believe that we have to take charge of our health, wellness and happiness. I believe that variety is the spice of life! I still believe in magic, too!</div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica!! be happy be happy be happy </div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-50810365873408999902015-05-28T15:08:00.001-07:002021-03-13T06:41:58.637-08:00Fat Yoga Teacher - How I Went From Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass<div>
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This has been a really challenging topic for me to tackle. It's ever so complicated. I've gained more than 30 pounds in about a year as a full-time yoga instructor!<br />
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How does that even happen? Excellent question. Over the past year, while I've considerably amped up my physical activity, I've also quit smoking, ceased taking my ADHD meds, removed virtually every stressor in my life and substantially slowed my life down. My social life has virtually been at a standstill. (Don't feel sorry for me - everything has been intentional and mindful!)</div>
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My poor body has had to detox sooooo much stress and anxiety and tension. My adrenal glands are just now getting over their shock at the abruptness of my lifestyle shift. </div>
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Oh yeah. I almost forgot. I've been eating like a pregnant teenage boy. Yeah. Exactly. </div>
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So that covers the mechanics of me adding the equivalent of a three-year-old to my yogi physique. Now, let's tackle the impact it has had on my self-esteem!</div>
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I was shipped halfway around the world by myself for high school. I was made fun of because I wasn't white when I was a kid. I've been divorced, cheated on, betrayed, lied to, arrested (ha!) physically assaulted, humiliated, fired from a job, injured, used, abused; I've survived an emergency crash landing when I was a flight attendant and bedbugs. I've been depressed, lonely, sad, unhappy, filled with shame and fear and dread and regret. I've lived and worked with hostile conditions and chronic anger and stress. But my ego and pride have always remained strong and fully intact. So how interesting is it that something so superficial as gaining weight is what finally cracked me wide open! </div>
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I have struggled so much over the past year with my weight gain and become so aware of how it's inextricably linked to my feeling of self-worth. I've come to realize how pride in my physical appearance has always given me an extra boost of confidence when walking into a room filled with strangers. How no matter what happened to me in life, I always knew I had my wits and looks and charm and charisma to fall back on. 😐</div>
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So smugly I thought I was winning at life in 2012 and 2013! I left the rat race far behind. I got to: travel (before I became a POOR yoga teacher - that's an entirely different future blog); do yoga all day; actually get PAID to share my yoga obsession; idle away hours of downtime between classes at the pool or steam room or napping or relaxing. Ha! Poor suckers out there, was my frequent thought. </div>
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Well. My laughing and gloating soon faded at the advent of 2014. I was burnt out. Teaching two dozen classes each week, seven days a week. I was too exhausted to do anything when I wasn't teaching - I literally couldn't wait to get home, bathe (entirely optional), crash on my sofa and shovel comfort foods into my face. I had no desire or interest to socialize. And as the weight kept creeping on (my ass and boobs, but still!) it became a vicious cycle. </div>
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I have always been an extremely social person, and until 2014, I've never felt nor looked nor acted my age! Last year was a huge crash and burn (literally crashed my Mercedes in 2013, my body followed in 2014). I spent most of last year vacillating between feeling sorry for myself and loathing every inch of my body. I tried cleansing, dieting, integral bodywork (actually gained 10 more pounds during that process) and even an ayurvedic consultation.</div>
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My energy level was seriously low, and I was generally miserable. My 365 yoga challenge helped me re-connect with my body in a new way. As my approach toward myself softened and I was more tolerant and kind to myself, there was a huge shift in my teaching and my interpersonal relationships as well. As I learned to be accepting of myself and struggled to love myself - and there was a whole lot more to love - I was able to become so much more compassionate and understanding toward my students. I truly knew what it felt like to be broken and sad and hopeless. Lots and lots of restorative classes allowed me the opportunity to slow down, feel my angst and nourish and repair myself. </div>
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My extra weight caused physical limitations in my practice - twists and forward folds became so much more challenging and uncomfortable. So I can now understand those who come to their mats with a little extra weight, and how I can help them modify!</div>
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Everything is truly a lesson in life. Becoming a fatass has taught me sooooo much. </div>
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Compassion </div>
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Acceptance</div>
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To get over appearances and really focus on what matters!</div>
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Sensitivity to others</div>
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And most importantly: humility!!! Going from yoga bitch to yoga fatty has humbled me to my core! And it's made me so much more mindful of my body's needs. And so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life.</div>
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While 2014 was to date the most challenging year of my life, I am so grateful that I had all of those experiences because it has added so much depth into my life.</div>
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Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-88613823492919285822015-05-26T09:35:00.000-07:002015-05-26T09:35:13.289-07:00365 Days of Yoga - Lessons Learned<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">just wrapped up my 365 day commitment to yoga; initially my goal was to show up on my mat in a yoga class each day for a year. Why on Earth would a yoga teacher need to do a 365 day yoga challenge?</span></div>
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One thing that I didn't factor in when I quit my big girl job to become a yoga teacher was how my personal practice would be affected. I had envisioned hours upon hours of both practicing on my mat and teaching daily. Well when I was teaching 25 hours of yoga classes each week, seven days a week, shockingly, I really had neither the desire nor the energy for a physical practice.</div>
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I burnt out pretty quickly; I began doubting my decision to become a yoga teacher after just a year of teaching full-time. Which is when and why I decided to re-commit to my mat for one year and try to reignite my passion and love for this thing called yoga.</div>
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Here are the biggest lessons I've learned from this challenge:</div>
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1. HOLISTIC. Yoga transcends the physical. While my physical practice may have languished, I slowly realized my other seven yogic limbs had grown and deepened. Yoga is an eight-limbed path, where the physical asanas comprise just 12.5% of the entire yogic practice. I had been focusing so heavily on the physical practice that I hadn't realized how yoga had cracked me open in so many other ways! I was delving more deeply and trying to practice the yamas (morality); niyamas (personal conduct); conscious breathing and meditating; withdrawing from the external senses and cultivating inner awareness; seeking a greater union with the Divine. </div>
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Yoga is not about unrolling your mat and twisting into a pretzel. That's the tool that we use to cultivate heightened awareness OFF of our mats. The lessons that we learn from the physical practice are to be integrated off of the mat. I had been doing this but not even thinking to call it yoga! It was missing the forest for the trees.</div>
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2. BALANCE. Yoga is about seeking balance. It's about walking the middle path. Avoiding extremes. It doesn't get more extreme than forcing yourself upon your yoga mat each day for a year! Well, I already knew how to be INTENSE. I already knew how to PUSH myself to my limits, how to GRIND it out. </div>
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What I learned this past year was how to PULL BACK when I needed to without feeling like a failure. I learned to be KIND and FORGIVING of myself and my limitations. I learned to ACCEPT exactly where I happened to be in each moment. And I realized that I was good enough regardless of whether or not I unrolled my mat in a yoga class or not.</div>
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3. INTRINSIC VALUE. I really learned to accept my intrinsic value as a human being, a manifestation of God's perfection and love. For my entire life, I'd measured myself based on achievements, successes and my physical appearance. My value was linked to so many external factors as a way to validate my existence, which resulted in feelings of both inferiority and superiority in comparison to others. (Mostly superiority!!!)<br />
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This past year, I have found myself truly beginning to tune out the external noise - other people's opinions and expectations and, more importantly, my flawed perception of other people's opinions and expectations. For the first time, I allowed myself to sink into child's pose during a vinyasa class. Formerly, I would power my way through, even when I probably could have used the rest. For the first 100 or so days of this challenge, there were many times that I would crawl to my mat and sleep for the better part of an hour! There was a time that would have filled me with a sense of shame, embarrassment and a harsh judgement of myself. It is quite liberating to follow your intuition rather than your ego!<br />
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4. SUBSTANCE. I moved away from optics and moved toward substance. The visual image of a beautiful yoga pose is certainly pleasing to the eye, but the culmination of a certain pose is really the smaller view. The big picture stuff in yoga is finding equanimity, precision, focused breath work and contentment in a pose. It's having balanced awareness of all of the sensations in a pose, especially the more subtle ones.<br />
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It's having the confidence in myself that I am moving in the right direction in my life and in my practice without focus on how it appears to others or what it "looks like." I'm no longer comparing myself and my practice to others. I'm competing with myself to be the best that I can be; not in the hopes of impressing or winning over others but with the intention to honor God with devotion, gratitude and service to others.<br />
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5. COMMITMENT. I've realized that I am totally and completely committed to my practice, because I have finally totally and completely committed to MY LIFE. I've spent my entire life afraid to truly commit, always feeling that there was something bigger and better out there for me. And there always was. But the problem with living with the philosophy of constant striving for something "better" or different or more exciting is that it is never enough. You get caught in a cycle of misery - yearning for something better, receiving a false and fleeting feeling of contentment when you get it and then the cycle starts again. And repeats. Again and again and again. Until your happiness is no longer in your control - it's owned by all of the advertising and marketing people trying to sell you something!<br />
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The truth is that all that I have been seeking and looking and yearning for from external sources could never provide true happiness and satisfaction. That is my job. And it's an inside job. My commitment is to trust in a higher purpose and surrender to life as it unfolds. That doesn't mean to give up or to cease efforts to improve; it means to move forward with RIGHT EFFORT and NON-ATTACHMENT. Never giving up and always letting go.<br />
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Yoga is a path toward self-realization. My practice has transformed as I have transformed. My expectation to sustain the same intensity of my physical practice does a disservice to the deepening of the other seven limbs of yoga. My 365 day commitment to my mat was successful because the World Is My Yoga Mat. My practice is not limited to being in a hot, sweaty room for an hour each day.<br />
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So grateful for the past 365 days. Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! BE HAPPY! be happy!</div>
Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-62390529771831207852015-05-12T21:12:00.001-07:002015-05-12T21:12:03.480-07:00Merging in traffic<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Who would have thought getting called a fucking cunt would serve as a milestone in my spiritual journey?</div>
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Last week, I was heading to take a yoga class and merging with the flow of traffic onto the expressway. Suddenly this normal looking white male in an SUV sped up, pulled right next to me, blocked me from merging in front of him, opened his window and shouted at the top of his lungs: "Get outta my way you fucking cunt!" There was so much rage and anger and actual saliva spewing in my direction, I was literally stunned!</div>
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In that split milisecond, between the stimulus of his venomous outburst and before I knee-jerk reacted, I had a huge revelation: I had broken a<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanskara_(philosophy)"> deep sanskara</a>. Not so long ago, I would have matched his anger with my own, spewing profanities back at him that would have made a sailor blush. Moreover, at one point, I would have been HIM, snarling and personally affronted that an unknown driver deigned to merge in front of ME! And truth be told, a little bit of anger sparked somewhere deep within me, but it sputtered and never really had the juice to fully ignite.<br />
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Even with the sheer force of his rage sitting squarely in my chest, I really felt sorry for him. I immediately smiled and hit my brakes so that he could triumphantly pull in front of me. And I merged behind him and kept moving to the far left lane to leave his negative energy far, far behind me. In his epic battle to outmaneuver me, he got stuck in a pocket of traffic while I sailed away to take my beloved 90 minute level 3 yoga class taught by the iconic Carla Cooper.<br />
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The force of his energy lingered with me, but my heart remained light and unaffected by his obvious pain and misery. Eventually, the energy dissipated, leaving me with the certain revelation that my long term pursuit of the ever-elusive equanimity was proving fruitful.<br />
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The thousands of hours I've spent on my mat, relentlessly strengthening my parasympathetic nervous system, has finally begun to take root. The truth is that I feel sorry for that man. It was 8:30 on a Thursday morning, and he was absolutely miserable as he fought for his lowly position in the cattle call on the Eisenhower. He clearly was not looking forward to going to work. I'm speculating that he worked in a stressful environment filled with pressure, and his aggression toward me was nothing more than his sense of feeling trapped, impotent, unappreciated, overlooked and ultimately unfulfilled.<br />
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How many of us live like this each day? Stuck in a place that we absolutely know doesn't honor our highest, best, shiniest selves? Yet we stay. (Safe and unfulfilled, cause it's good enough. That's an entirely different blog post about <a href="http://nadja108.blogspot.com/2012/04/on-taking-risks_6496.html">Taking Risks</a>.) In some, like that guy driving the SUV and me, that discontentment is externalized, we lash out at those around us. Others, I've found, wouldn't dream of hurting others, but internalize their anger and hurt themselves.<br />
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We may manifest differently, but when we scratch the surface, pain and fear are the culprits. Once we tap into our own source of pain, insecurities, fear, anger and shame, we are able to recognize it in others. And find compassion for them. Shared emotions bond us together as humanity - when you've felt anger and rage, you understand what it tastes like to a person as they are experiencing it. It tastes exactly the same for all of us - we just learn to express it or repress it. And recently I have found a third option: to let it pass without reacting to it or internalizing. Just letting it sit and eventually dissipate.<br />
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And the truth is, who knows how I'll react the next time this type of situation arises? I'll just continue to take it one breath at a time, learning each step of the way.<br />
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Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!<br />
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-3548230825211177942015-02-03T08:44:00.000-08:002015-02-03T08:51:23.357-08:0021 Day Detox - Take FOUR<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I recently completed my fourth annual 21 Day Detox. Now, let me preface this by saying that I LOVE to eat. This is not a juice cleanse and there are no supplements to purchase. It's 21 days of clean, fresh, organic whole foods. So I EAT - in fact last year I actually gained TWO pounds while cleansing my body! I found a loophole called endless guacamole. But I digress.</div>
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So, here is what the cleanse entails: for 21 days,</div>
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Vegan</div>
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Gluten Free</div>
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No sugar </div>
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No caffeine</div>
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No alcohol</div>
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This go-round I have been able to cultivate a heightened awareness of how complexly interwoven the mind, body and spirit actually are. Food has been my final frontier - my last 'screw you' to accepting the reality of my age, my life, my path. Seems pretty dramatic, I know, but my life has been one serious act of rebellion after another. This detox has cleansed my body, my mind and allowed me to release a great deal of stored emotions. </div>
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Along with my heightened awareness of HOW food affects my body and my psyche, I've also become extremely mindful of what and when I will eat. I used to eat on the fly, grabbing whatever sounded good at the time and justifying it because, well, I am after all, a yoga teacher! I would eat 95% of my meals in restaurants or cafes or at Whole Foods hot deli bar! This fourth cleanse has developed a wonderful new habit of COOKING!!! I'm actually loving the process of selecting fresh, organic whole foods and preparing them. It makes meal time so much more nourishing and enjoyable. I can truly appreciate what I am putting in my body and what the ramifications are.</div>
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Week One: PHYSICAL. </div>
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This is where I experienced the physical sensations of no longer having certain addictive substances in my body. The reaction is IMMEDIATE. Headaches for the first several days. Physical exhaustion - crashing without all of that caffeine to sustain me. And the DETOX is real. Once sugar, wheat and dairy are removed, which are all inflammatories, the cells return to their natural state and a flood of toxins are released from virtually every pore and orifice in your body. Let's leave it at that. </div>
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The positive results are also immediate. By day two, my skin feels amazing! Smooth and hydrated. Mainly because I am drinking tons and tons of water rather than diet coke and coffee which dry out my skin. My achy joints feel immediate relief. And my circadian rhythm has start to reset itself. Easily falling asleep at night before midnight and waking up refreshed and well-rested. And I feel lean and clean!</div>
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Week Two: MENTAL.</div>
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Once the physical symptoms have dissipated, I start to uncover the mental addictions to sugar, caffeine, gluten, processed foods. Our relationship to food is probably one of the most complex relationships in our lives. We NEED food to survive, but so often we use food as a drug or a mental crutch rather than what it is intended for: to provide fuel for our bodies, to act as a medicine to heal and strengthen and nourish. </div>
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This week brings a more subtle awareness of my urges and demonstrates that I am not my cravings or my thoughts or even my bodily sensations. It took me to a deeper level than the mental appetites and compulsions. It allowed me to find a more stable, steady space where I could observe the onset of seemingly urgent cravings and justifications and calmly watch them disperse again. Of course, this mental practice translates to so much more than food.....</div>
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Week Three: EMOTIONAL</div>
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Early in the morning on Day 19, Jeff and I were watching videos of Julian when he was three, four and five years old. I sobbed my eyes out from 7:30 a.m. through noon of that day. Literally. After driving Julian to school, I looked at more old photos of him. Then I went to YBD and saw Stacey and Sarah and was sobbing and telling them to appreciate every single moment with their young children. Then Loreta comes into the studio and I'm sobbing throughout class. As in, crying so hard I couldn't unscrunch my face!!! Spent another half hour after class with the three of them. Loreta somehow made it about HER and her three kids (ROTFL) and even told me that a psychotherapist told her that a boy must figuratively kill his mother in order to become a man. (not helpful, Lotus!! lol) Stacey and Loreta had to leave for their other classes and Sarah and I spent another hour changing each other's emotional diapers. </div>
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Seeing those old videos really triggered an emotional response of how fleeting life is and how our biggest challenge as human beings is the act of letting go and accepting life exactly as it unfolds. While my mind was focused on how much my little baby boy has grown into such a handsome young teenager, who really knows what other emotional baggage was being relinquished? And more importantly, who cares? I felt such a sense of lightness and liberation.<br />
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So it's been a full week since my cleanse completed. I'm slowly adding one thing at a time back in to see what makes my body thrive rather than what satisfies a temporary craving. Food no longer controls me, and I can still enjoy bringing nourishment to my body. It's the daily, arduous process of letting go of each and every thing that does not serve living a life to your highest and best self. Let it go!!!</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-46250571252593330192015-01-23T12:08:00.001-08:002015-01-23T12:08:25.606-08:00 Another Lesson In Letting Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been teaching yoga seven days a week for more than a year and a half. At one point I was teaching 22 classes each week, seven days a week. I was opening studios with 6 a.m. classes and closing them with 8 p.m. classes. In between, I'd pick up privates and sub extra classes. I was on full-on yoga beast mode and flying! Totally aware of the amazing BLESSING of actually making a living doing what I love. Somewhere along the way, I looked up and realized that I was pretty close to HATING yoga. I had crashed and burnt and was lying there smoldering for some time before I even noticed.</div>
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So I decided to lighten my load up a teeny bit. No more 6 a.m.s. I gave up some classes that required more travel and picked up some closer classes. I am now down to a more manageable 18 classes each week and still teaching seven days a week.</div>
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My next move is to carve out ONE day per week where I don't teach any classes. This has been a struggle. I love all of my classes and all of my students and all of the people I work with like 99.999 percent; but Sunday seemed a great day to have off - if the Lord rested on Sunday, certainly I should as well! </div>
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I've been trying to get someone to pick up my 10 a.m. sculpt class for MONTHS. Apparently, all of these other teachers already got the day of rest memo! Meanwhile, I went to talk to Monica, my angel, my mentor, my role model to give up my 12:30 p.m. Sunday class at LifeTime Warrenville. We sat and chatted for an hour (that's how Monica is! she's so amazing and supportive and just plain interesting to talk to!). When I got up to leave, we had decided to change the format of my 12:30 class to restorative and see how that worked. People are LOVING the restorative class. People NEED the restorative class. In the meantime, I told Stacey Z., the yoga coordinator, that I'd love to get on the schedule during the week and would consider swapping out of my Sunday class. </div>
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So, a bit of background here, I am deeply attached to Monica and the LTF Warrenville community because I practiced there five to six times each week before I ever became a yoga instructor. Monica hired me fresh out of yoga teacher training and offered me my very first class - the Sunday 12:30 p.m. class. The fact that she hired me so <span style="color: lime;">GREEN</span>, with only an audition and total faith in my potential is unheard of. Monica has built that yoga program into one of the best in the entire nation specifically by hiring rock star teachers with oodles of experience. She took a HUGE chance on me and believed in me and my abilities. Another layer of attachment! I built that class up to 65 students each week at one point! It was my first baby. It means EVERYTHING to me. </div>
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So. On Wednesday of this week, Stacey came to the studio a few minutes before my 9:30 a.m. gushing how she had <u>given away</u> my 12:30 p.m. and put me on the schedule on Wednesday during the day. She was super excited (she generally is! lol) and was so happy for ME to finally have one day off. And this is where this attachment thing kicks in......I was PISSED! I couldn't believe she gave my class away! My baby! The class that I've poured my heart and soul into! So I mustered "can we talk about this later" and she went into the studio.</div>
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As I walked toward the studio myself to start class, there was a swirl of emotions going on inside of me. I paused to witness what was actually happening. My dear, dear friend Stacey was trying to help me lighten my workload, mainly because I ASKED her to, but also because she cares about me and knows I absolutely NEED at least one day off during the week at this point in my career. I stepped back a bit further and asked myself, So why was I so angry? </div>
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And it hit me plain as day that I was angry because a teeny part of me was clinging onto that class to cling onto a part of my life that no longer existed. By teaching that class once a week, I was back at that club, part of that amazing yoga community! But I realized that that part of my life, when I was at that club each weekday on my lunch hour to practice; where I had three of Julian's birthday parties; where I would lay out at the pool all summer ... was over. I wasn't at all angry at Stacey. I was just afraid to admit that things had shifted significantly in my life. And once I understood where those energies were coming from, I felt incredibly light and free.</div>
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Stacey was in child's pose in class, and I went to her mat to give her some love and communicate my gratitude and appreciation for her. What a blessing to teach a yoga class in my state of openness and lightness. I received many comments from students after all of my Wednesday classes about the amazing energy they felt. One student even told me he felt "so joyful" practicing that day.</div>
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After class, I told Stacey basically everything I blogged here. And she told me to look at it from the perspective of how far I've come and that I am now in a position to give up some classes in order to make time for myself. I couldn't agree more! </div>
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So what about that 10 a.m. sculpt class, you may be wondering. Another shift, I am now co-leading yoga sculpt teacher training at Yoga By Degrees. Which means, by next Tuesday, we'll have some ROCK STAR sculpt teachers online and ready to rumble!</div>
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So starting in February, my Saturday nights are OPEN! Who wants to take me out to celebrate? 48 Saturdays open in 2015.... text me! </div>
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<br />Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-64184827434346210942014-12-04T08:45:00.001-08:002014-12-04T21:03:33.650-08:00Work That Body - Session Six<div style="text-align: justify;">
Six (S6) works the lower back and glutes all the way down through the back of the legs. I have become a bit desensitized to the methods that Everett uses in this bodywork. So I won't be using the shock factor (it is pretty shocking, people! lol) to convey this experience, which would focus more on methodology, but rather share with you the overall experience I've had.</div>
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So following S5, I spent a week feeling horrible. Angry. (you've probably picked up on the fact that anger is my go-to emotion. i love it. always there when i need it. so welcoming and comforting. keeps me warm at night. feels so damn good for some reason!) Hopelessness. Rage. Hostility. And finally, one afternoon, a feeling of peace and calmness enveloped me and I felt a great deal of spaciousness - in and around me. </div>
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My yoga practice was pretty weird - my pelvis felt schizophrenic - it didn't really know how to behave properly. As I would try to allow it to drop naturally rather than tilting it, my lower back muscles would start to resist and tighten. I was also experiencing intense sensations deep in my hip flexors. My right shoulder also felt like it was hitched up a lot higher than my left one, and i experienced the sensation of needing a thread to be pulled straight out of my right toe to pull my right shoulder into alignment. Everett said all of these things are perfectly natural. He reminded me that he is shifting the entire bony structure of my body - of course the soft tissues had to reorganize themselves to accommodate the new alignment.</div>
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So in this disheveled state, I made my way to see Everett for S6. My attitude had shifted a bit, and I was definitely feeling more grounded and calm. More open to Everett and all of his painful bullshit. </div>
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All sessions start with a bit of work on the neck, shoulders, upper back and then into the lovely psoas. Then Everett started releasing the connective tissue up the back of my legs into my glorious booty. We were maybe 20 minutes into the work when I started a staggering coughing jag. I couldn't stop coughing - there was very clear mucus releasing - but it was endless and my body was shuddering uncontrollably for several minutes. Everett gave me a rag to cough in and brought a garbage bucket near the table. It soon became clear that we had to cut the session short. I was literally drained, and Everett could feel all of this toxicity releasing from my body. We were both pretty anxious to put an end to that session.</div>
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I left his place, went home and took my requisite kosher salt, baking soda and epsom salt bath before I had to head to work. My classes that day were very Iyengar-like. Super slow, grounded and heavily alignment based. It sounds weird to say this, but the tone and modulation of my voice seemed to have shifted somehow as well. That evening when I got home, I felt extremely nauseous and toxic. </div>
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A few days afterward, I started feeling like my old, feisty self again. It seemed like I had tapped into some sort of energy reservoir and my body naturally stopped craving caffeine and sugar (the two other loves of my life). My body was experiencing very few aches and pains. This energy source was much more grounded - it wasn't dispersing into frenetic vata instability (look, shiny bright objects!) but rather a deeper, slower, brighter burning. </div>
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I could literally feel the blocked energy (prana, chi) releasing itself from my body. I could also feel the areas of my body that needed Everett to reorganize and release, particularly my legs and the entire area across the back periphery of my pelvis. During twists in my yoga practice, I was hearing deep pops and cracks as my spine released stagnant energy. I started talking incessantly about "freeing your pelvis" in yoga classes. And in my personal practice, I had reconnected to my spiritual guide Babaji who I hadn't seen since 2012. (Thanks in a huge a part to Everett on so many levels and endless conversations.)</div>
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So back to Everett to complete S6. Deep, intense sensations. This session comprises deep work in the posterior pelvis. Deep work to release the coccyx. There is one moment in this session that comes after some deep, deep crazy work, where Everett has me stand up - and I literally think he held his breath - so he can see if my pelvis had dropped. He exhaled pretty loudly and was very, very pleased with the placement of my pelvis. I can't tell you how awesome that moment felt. All of the work that Everett puts in, all of the pain I experience, all of the screaming I release, culminated in that moment.</div>
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My pelvis is now directly underneath my torso and upper body. It's so difficult to articulate what it FEELS like to have the entire skeletal structure of your body totally aligned with gravity. Rather than being pulled down in heaviness, there's a sensation of upliftedness. Once you're centered within the the field of gravity, there is a lift from gravity and you feel no separation from the Universe. Everything seems to flow together sublimely.</div>
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There was more work in S6 following that moment. And it was painful. But I know that it is part of the process. Much like life; if you continue to organize your life in the avoidance of pain, you'll never have the big moments of growth and pelvic dropping transformation. Pain is part of the life experience. It's inevitable. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div><div style="text-align: justify;">So these sessions aren't pure magic, but they are propelling me more quickly down this path I'm on. I thought I knew my body so well; it's like the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I'm also realizing that the process is just as important as the end game. One doesn't move from a hedonistic lifestyle onto a spiritual path overnight and without growing pains! I told Everett how I've been almost cocooning myself - not consciously or intentionally, but slowly, I've been withdrawing myself from so many activities and people that once played huge roles in my life. I've packed on thirty pounds of solid weight to anchor and ground myself. My practice and my life have slowed considerably. For the first time in my life, I'm allowing myself to settle in and get comfortable. Grounded and rooted. Right here and right now. Blooming where I'm planted. Everett said that when a caterpillar cocoons itself, nobody knows the pain and struggle that little caterpillar experiences. But it must be quite significant for it to emerge as a butterfly on the other side. <br>
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So as I look ahead to S7, I am becoming extremely paranoid that my pelvis will shift back into its old habits. Everett has assured me repeatedly that my pelvis aint going anywhere!<br>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798838732520441195.post-45941834600702444302014-10-30T06:56:00.003-07:002014-10-30T12:04:03.212-07:00Work That Body - Session Five<br />
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Ok, the day after Session 4 (S4), which was a Friday evening session, I had to teach four classes and then return that Saturday evening for Session 5 (S5). I was super angry most of that day. I could feel it churning in my gut; but all of that anger was accompanied by a bubbling of hostility, so it was in great company.</div>
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My trusty, calm Zen-like friend Eunju had offered weeks prior to drive me to S5, and fortunately for me, she was amused by the steady stream of hateful bitching and complaining I did about her driving, about Everett, about pretty much anything and everything that crossed my mind or my path.</div>
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I was pissed!!!! The only times I wasn't angry that day were when I was teaching and when I was eating. Fortunately for the world, I do a lot of both. </div>
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So, I arrived at Everett's filled with a lot of energy needing to be released. S5 begins by releasing tightness along the periphery of the abdominal wall which restricts the pelvis from above. This is followed by intensive work in the depths of the abdomen and pelvic bowl which is supposed to have a liberating effect on the whole structure and the breath. I will repeat. "intensive work in the depths of the abdomen and pelvic bowl." Fuck. You. Everett. <<< there's Angry Nadja again!!!</div>
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So, this is how I feel about this energy work: It's a roller coaster. Don't get on it if can't handle it. Of course you're afraid - that's part of the thrill. But once you step on, you're in it 'til the end. There's no timeouts on a roller coaster. Just strap yourself in and experience the thrills and dips and loops and butterflies and whatever else surfaces. You can't stop in the middle of it.</div>
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So what is there to say about S5? - Everett went in DEEP! After the initial neck, upper back and a light pass, we did some major work on releasing and lengthening my psoas and liberating my pelvis. I had some serious <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhlXqYiTz2Q">Matrix moments</a> - I literally shouted several times, "Give me the fucking blue pill!" I could feel where my body has created some resistance to Everett. I am finding it harder and harder to fully relax my body to allow him into the depth. Even as I exhale, rather than releasing totally, a teeny part of me resists his fingers or knuckles or whatever the hell it is that he is using to dig to the depth of my soul. My solution to this is to yell out loud with the pain, as it satisfies my anger, facilitates an emotional release and relaxes my body to allow deeper access. Plus I just like to shout at the top of my lungs, and as an adult, those opportunities are few and far between.</div>
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As always, I emerge from his table in a much more calmer state. ON the table, I question my sanity; I give myself little pep talks; I remind myself what a badass I am; I scream out in pain. OFF the table, I feel so amazingly light in my body. Expansive. I can feel the prana flowing freely throughout my cells. I can breathe a full five liters of oxygen. And I feel fucking fantastic!!! And so calm and centered and grounded. </div>
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Eunju returns after two hours of torture, and she cannot believe how calm, happy and relaxed I am! Of course, I hug Everett and thank him and tell him how magical he is. (after two hours of cursing him and acting like a bitch on his table).</div>
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So the two weeks following S5, walking felt really weird. Practicing yoga was even more bizarre - my poor pelvis felt schizophrenic - it didn't quite now what to do or how to behave! The first couple of days were amazing. Then starting that Tuesday, I was super annoyed and prickly. EVERYONE was getting on my fucking nerves. For several days, I felt like SHIT. Angry. Hopeless. Rage. Dark. </div>
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FINALLY, after several days of this, I noticed a sense of calmness and space after a long day of teaching. My feet were still painful after the long day, but not as bad as usual. And I have been experiencing this amazing sensation of rooted connectedness to the Earth. One of the major realizations that I have had through this bodywork is that I have spent my entire life avoiding that rooting. I've always been so vata - filled with the air element - floating wherever I pleased, doing whatever I wanted - and avoiding and resenting like hell any people, authority or situations that felt like bondage to me. (I've been engaged 5 times and only married once, but that's an entirely different blog). I finally understand the importance of being firmly rooted on my own two feet. That being rooted does not equate to a loss of freedom or mobility but rather provides stability to float and fly with purpose and direction. True manifestation and actualization begins at the root chakra, muladhara.</div>
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So now, as I try to live with my new, liberated pelvis, my lower back muscles and glutes start to resist and tighten. Makes total sense, since this is the area targeted in Session 6. As I prepare for S6, my concern is that Everett keeps talking about flattening out my ass. Does he not realize how many damn chair poses, warriors and crescent lunges it took to get this ass?!?</div>
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Nadjahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02374516394772815387noreply@blogger.com0