How to be HAPPY .... RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!!

In my lifelong pursuit of happiness, I have spent copious amounts of time observing others and wistfully admiring how "happy" they appeared! It seemed that I would never arrive at such a wonderful, relaxed, well ... happy place in my life!

Suffice it to say that I have pursued happiness through every and any potential path (and vice) known to mankind!! While I was able to temporarily attain a sense of happiness and fulfillment, it never endured and was always dependent on some outside force, whether it was physical, emotional, material or tied to approval, accomplishment or my ego.

As I began to practice yoga, and much later meditation, I came across so many sayings and quotes about being happy, being present, choosing happiness; I understood these concepts on a logical, intellectual level, but had not yet the capacity to truly experience it.

Quite unexpectedly in Diana Christina's yoga class back in 2009, I experienced a fleeting moment of true, pure, utter bliss while in Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (King Pigeon, modeled below). The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming that my heart burst and overflowed with happiness and joy, and tears literally and freely flowed down my face!

It was my 'aha' moment - I finally got it!! As fleeting as it was, I now KNEW what I was seeking and could work to continually recapture and expand that brief moment. Since that day, I have purposefully and intentionally devoted thousands of hours of yoga and meditation both on and off of my beloved mat to recapture and cultivate that feeling of bliss.

Here is my tried and true formula to BEING HAPPY RIGHT FRICKEN NOW!!


Breathe - Take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your throat, chest and diaphragm with fresh prana-rich oxygen and slowly exhale through your mouth, releasing any tension, stress and negative energy that is not serving you. Nothing focuses you on the present, the here and now, than being observant and aware of your breath. You literally cannot focus on what is upsetting you when you turn your full attention to the beauty and wonder of your breath.

Whenever you are upset, agitated or just need to calm down and collect your thoughts, you are always told to "Take a deep breath." If you really stop to think about it, the seemingly simple act of breathing is such a complex miracle! When we inhale, we are bringing fresh, life-sustaining oxygen into our body and it is distributed to each one of our cells via our bloodstream. The air that we exhale carries with it harmful waste and toxins which been removed from all parts of the body.

Pray and/or Meditate - Take a moment to detach from the hustle and bustle. Find a quiet space to calm your mind and connect with your higher power. Acknowledge that HE or SHE or IT is actually calling all of the shots, and that worrying is an exercise in futility. So often we cannot control our circumstances, but we most certainly can control our reactions and how we let situations and people affect our inner peace.

Identify three blessings in your life that you are grateful for, and express that appreciation. Finding peace and happiness by focusing your mind on the POSITIVE is nothing more than a shift in your perspective and the creation of a new habit.

Connect with Humanity - Volunteer your services at church, a local pet shelter, yoga studio, scouting group, soup kitchen. You get the picture. Reach outside of yourself and focus on helping others. Not only does the activity and interaction force your mind away from negative thoughts, it also creates the most amazing feeling of all -- the simple and profound feeling of gratification. Knowing that you are creating an impact in another life through service is easily one of the most natural highs available to us as human beings. It's indescribable.

Or call a friend, a relative, or even spend some time online checking your social media pages. The simple act of reaching out to others and making a connection helps you realize that you are not alone and your friends are there for you when you need them.

Smile at strangers. I have always found that making a spontaneous connection with a passing stranger, whether it's a quick smile, good morning or God Bless You, is such a quick mood lifter! That spark that you create is guileless and pure, and I guarantee it's something that both of you will carry within throughout the day and keep spreading on.

Exercise - I have never once regretted the times that I have pushed myself to workout when I am feeling my lowest or laziest. Never. Ever. I may not get the deepest, best performance, but I always walk away more positive and happy! There is literally a psychological and spiritual lift that I experience during and after a great workout.

Additionally, there are physiological responses and reactions within the body that cause the production and release of the following happiness and pleasure inducing (all natural!) chemicals:

• Endorphins are released by your pituitary gland and create feelings of happiness, euphoria, exhilaration and block any feelings of pain. Endorphins allow you to power through challenging workouts on a "natural high," and is the reason some people become addicted to strenuous, challenging forms of exercise. I often describe this feeling as #yogastoned or #yogablissedout.

• Serotonin is a chemical that creates feelings of happiness; pleasurable, restful sleep and a healthy appetite. Serotonin levels increase the more you work out consistently, which subsequently provides you with more energy and clearer thinking. My increased production of serotonin has actually helped me with my insomnia and ADHD and my ability to manage my symptoms without medication! And once serotonin and endorphins get together, your workout becomes that much more pleasurable -   creating better workout habits! 

• Dopamine is my personal favorite!! It is a pleasure chemical occurring naturally within your body. Working out regularly and consistently helps stimulate the production of dopamine which not only helps regulate weight gain and food level satisfaction, but it is also associated with orgasms. That's right. And we all know that a heavy workout, say spin class, quad squats or tons of core work in pilates or yoga, make orgasms more intense - we do all know that right? I think it is because of the increased blood circulation in those large muscle groups located in the lower body. Some folks even experience an amazing phenomenon called 'coregasm' during intense spin classes or in yoga class in poses such as paschimottanasana (seated forward fold.) Just saying.

Music - Listening to upbeat, happy music is ALWAYS such a mood lifter! Not only does it put you in a better mood, but there is also evidence that the emotional response one has to music increases our favorite chemical - dopamine!! See above. ;)

And finally ...

Love and Forgive - Yourself and others. We all know that life is fleeting and precious and unpredictable. Just seeing the horrible shooting that took place in Colorado yesterday at a public movie theater is sufficient evidence why we should all choose happiness, forgiveness and love, love, love. 

If you are depressed, you are living in the past;

If you are anxious, you are living in the future;

If you are happy, you are living in the present.

Newport and Me

Like any dysfunctional, unhealthy coupling, there is always that strong magnetic pull that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, for some reason, KNOWING it is not right for us makes it that much more irresistible, pleasurable and delicious! In the back of your mind, you're always thinking, "Ok, this is the last time! I deserve it one more time before I completely walk away." "How could something that feels so good and natural be so wrong?" "I am in control of my life - I know what's best for me!" "I can walk away whenever I want to!" You get the idea...

And I really hate to categorize my relationships; as a yogini, I believe that these things should unfold naturally and organically! Who needs labels! But, if you insist, I guess we could refer to it as an addiction.

Isn't admitting it like the first of the 12 steps? Ok, here goes, "My name is Nadja and I am a smokaholic." There. I said it! So, clearly my Path to Purification has a huge roadblock dead smack in the center of the road. And this one has been an immense challenge for me! Like every smoker, I have "successfully" quit on several occasions, always cold turkey. But key to that process is making the mental decision and commitment...and for some reason, my mind has been resisting making that concession.

As my meditation practice deepens and my knowledge base has increased tremendously over the past three months via all of the books, articles, research and documentaries I am ingesting as part of my 200 hour yoga teacher training program, one would think that this mental process would be a "no-brainer." (pun intended).

Through studying the Buddha's teachings and his insight into attaining enlightenment, I have learned that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment is caused by the mind's reaction to any stimuli - either aversion or pleasure. Once that reaction is made and processed, we ideally should observe the feeling and then let it go ... focusing instead on the present moment through training the mind to focus on the breath.

Based on my past (temporary) successes in quitting smoking and armed with my new knowledge, one would think this would be a much easier exercise for me. After deeper introspection, I have observed that while I have made some very superficial, cosmetic changes in my lifestyle, my Path to Purification and Enlightenment has barely begun. Yes, I have been able to let go of certain attachments; walk away from situations and people that are no longer contributing to my happiness, growth and freedom; deepen my meditation practice; begin another new journey relating to my career; remove red meat from my diet to see if it resonates with my body and lifestyle; wean myself off of prescription sleeping pills; build more awareness surrounding how my actions affect those around me that I love and care for; and attempt to be more thoughtful and purposeful in my speech; however; saying I am a work in progress is truly an understatement.

Ok, the first 6 paragraphs were written a few days ago So, after writing the above entry, I quit smoking cold turkey! The key to quitting was not making a huge deal about it and over thinking it! I went on a date Saturday night, ran out of cigarettes and have not smoked since!!

Not even a ton of thought into it; I just keep telling myself each day that it's just for today. I can revisit this tomorrow. That's it. That simple. And I already have 3 full days under my belt!!

There's a Thin Line Between Letting Your Inner Light Shine and CRAZY

As I wandered aimlessly and blissfully among the streets of NYC, I smugly smiled to myself at how authentic I am and how I am slowly liberating myself from all of society's shackles. Prowling the streets, feeling the pure energy of the City that Never Sleeps, I looked with perhaps something close to a bit of pity at all of the people working 9-5 jobs, rushing about, stressed out and "working for the Man."

I savored the moment, inhaling and exhaling as I looked around appreciating the wonder of the Big Apple, thinking that all of those folks bustling about take so much of it for granted in their pursuit of success.  I sent up a silent prayer of gratitude and thanks to God for allowing me the wisdom and strength to pursue my passion and follow my heart. I felt free, liberated, enlightened!

As I continued walking, I heard someone singing gospel music. She didn't have a particularly special or talented voice, but I heard her before I could see her. I searched the sidewalks until I finally saw the woman singing to her heart's content. She was easily in her late 50s or early 60s, clearly homeless, sitting on a pile of stuff that was all of her worldly possessions, and she was belting out a song with her eyes closed and with pure emotion.

WOW! Here was a woman, living in the moment, expressing herself through her voice, who had obviously walked away from property ownership and all of society's other "shackles," including personal grooming and a sense of style. She seemed happy, content and at peace ... so why did that image shake me to my core? Shouldn't I be admiring this woman for her courage, strength, authenticity? She was the epitome of freedom, liberation and enlightenment!

But the truth is, I began to doubt my new path. Should I really be liquidating my lululemon and Whole Foods stocks to bankroll myself while I pursue a noble but undefined path toward non-attachment and equanimity? It seemed like such poetic justice at the time, but, there really are no guarantees here! What if I ended up homeless, alone, disowned by Julian, lugging all of my entire wealth around the streets while I practiced yoga whenever, wherever and however I felt like it? Am I willing to take this journey if that's where it is leading me?

Well, the answer is NO, I do not want to be an old, lonely, homeless woman with no money! But I realized that if that is truly my path, I will end up there anyway, whether I work on Wall Street with $10 million in my trading account or whether I am a struggling yoga instructor in her middle years! It also dawned on me that I am still very far from a place of non-attachment -- I still have far too many pairs of shoes, dresses, clothing items, yoga mats that I no longer use (or have never used!) but have not let go of. I still hunger for beautiful material possessions. I still judge people on society's standards of success rather than personal fulfillment. I still struggle with drinking, smoking, overindulging on chocolate. I still spend too much time in the past and not enough time meditating.

I am a continual work in progress, as we all are. Perhaps the lesson here is to appreciate the position and opportunity that I have been blessed with and continually visualize my global, universal intent, but always remember that a dream realized takes a lot of hard work, focus, determination, sacrifices, tears, pain, faith and belief in myself and GOD.

So whatever side of that thin line I am on is up to interpretation. But I know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be.

NOTE: I didn't capture an image of the gospel lady, however, I was greeted by statue of liberty man as I disembarked from a NJ to NYC ferry which captures my same thought process. He rode past me on his bike as I was walking to a yoga class, and I realized that he went down to the pier just to pose for ferry passengers. Crazy or free? You decide!

Saigon and Me

Dear Saigon,

Wow - the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of impressions, experiences and feelings, and our time together ended way too quickly!

You are exotic, chaotic, merging and emerging, rich in history and national pride, struggling yet soaring: Same same and different. And beneath your city streets flows an undercurrent of pure energy.

I felt your heat, heavy and humid - relieved by daily bursts of summer showers. You are a perfect balance of prana, your yin and yang in equilibrium, the stark contrasts that define you balancing exquisitely - This Is Vietnam!!!

Until we meet again, please know that you have touched my heart and I am all the better for it! Healing, growth and connection. Saigon is now part of me...

Farewell not goodbye!
A Yogi

Reality

And when all the music stopped and the people were gone, the quiet stillness reminded me that I am alone. Loneliness is a deep aching in your heart, especially once you've known the heights of love and have built and shared your life with another.

As tears spill down my face, I realize that I am exactly where I should be. Being with someone so as not to not be alone is not the life of truth, authenticity and fulfillment that I seek. I have made tough decisions, the right decisions, that have brought me to this moment.

This is my time to rediscover myself: who I  really am in the depth of my soul; what is my purpose here on earth; how can I serve humanity by sharing my unique gifts; what makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted; what type of person will I love and respect enough to spend time with, which is ultimately all of life's currency.

And in the silence, I realize that I am not lonely at all! Totally detached from performing, entertaining, trying, grasping, reaching, clutching, wanting, needing, fearing, doubting, worrying ... I AM.

Why Mind Matters Most

Essay assignment from 200 hour LifePower Yoga teacher training

If you don't control your mind, then your mind will control you

Whatever we think, feel, crave, enjoy and do, it is our mind that processes the impulse or action and assigns a reaction and impression to it. So, if one can control one's mind, one can essentially control one's destiny!

Through meditation and yoga, I have become increasingly self-aware; of my actions, patterns, cravings, thoughts, impulses, doubts and my ego. Initially, just stilling the crazy monkey chatter and learning to focus on my breath and be present was my greatest challenge! It literally took years for me to be able to be still and focus for even a few minutes before and after a yoga class! Oftentimes I would arrive late and leave during sivasana - that's how ignorant and blind I was to the true purpose of yoga.

Through increased self-awareness, I began to be more cognizant of how impulsive and reactive I was, and most importantly, how these actions affected those around me and those I care about. It also brought to light my negative thought patterns, self-destructive behaviors and the role my ego plays in virtually every aspect of my life.

The mind is such a complex system; if one does not know one's true nature and true mind, you can end up fooling even yourself! The idea that the mind matters most is that we CAN learn to focus our thoughts in a positive fashion and thus control the quality of our lives, regardless of physical circumstances. Throughout history, humanity has suffered unbelievable atrocities and inhumane hardships - circumstances outside of one's control. While our ego likes to pretend that we can control our environment and circumstances, it has been proven wrong time and again. The one thing that we can control is our attitude and perspective, and that truly makes all the difference.

Buddha Says...

"To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others"

If I only had 24 hours left to live

If I only had 24 hours left to live

I would savor every breath, enjoy each second, connect with everyone who crossed my path, spark a revolution, make people smile, eat whatever I wanted, not worry about how much I weighed, how I looked, who liked me and who didn't. I would make people sparkle, and smile, and laugh, and feel loved, and appreciated, and help them understand how beautiful and amazing and unique they are. I would tell everyone I met to forgive themselves and others that have hurt them. To be kind, loving and compassionate, especially to themselves. That they are not alone. That it's ok to be YOU!! I would give away every last penny I had to those in true need. I would tell each child I met that God has given him or her a special unique gift to share with the world. I would teach yoga and meditation and tell people it's a great path to true happiness and peace, but it's not the only one. I would encourage people to let go and let God! To stop worrying and obsessing and competing and clutching; to open up and let people in, even if may end up hurting you. I would tell every person in my life how much I love them and how their love and support has made all the difference in my life. I would hug my son Julian and never ever let him go!!! And I would not spend one precious second worrying about the past, the future or money!!!❤❤❤

Happy 11th Birthday, JugaMan!!

Happy 11th birthday, Julian Pierce Prem Lalvani-Dudley!! It seems like just yesterday when I was sitting in my glider in your nursery with my hands on my belly dreaming of when I would finally hold you in my arms!! The years have flown by, and I am so grateful for all of our wonderful memories together.

The best, most important, gratifying and significant part of my life has been being your mommy; marveling at your strength, your mind, your creativity, your sense of fun and adventure, your sense of humor, and most importantly, that enormous kind, caring, loving heart of yours!

So in honor of your birthday, I have created a Top 11 list of Reasons that you are an EPIC 11 year old!! Here we go...

11. You are damn good looking!! (runs in the family on your maternal side! Teehee)

10. You are a very talented athlete. Any sport that you have tried, you've been blessed with natural athletic ability. I am so happy that you have found a passion for karate. And proud that you realize talent alone will not get you very far. I see how dedicated and consistent you are with attending class, practicing at home and helping develop and lead those students with lower ranks than you.

9. You are not a follower - and you never have been! You have always danced to your own rhythm and I know you will continue to do so!

8. Building on #9 - You know yourself and you are yourself always! You are comfortable and happy in your own skin and enjoy being an individual.

7. You have an extremely strong moral compass. You know the difference between right and wrong and are unwavering in your judgement.

6. You are a natural leader. Because of your strength, convictions and self-confidence, people are naturally drawn to you!! And you always treat everyone with kindness, respect and compassion.

5. You are extremely self disciplined! What other 11 year old (or 40 year old for that matter) would be able to stare at their gift for almost a week and not give in to temptation - especially when everyone in your family pressured you each day to give in?!??!!

4. You have such a great sense of humor and such a sharp and quick wit! Not a single day goes by that you don't make me laugh out loud at least once! You are HILARIOUS!!

3. You are truly musically gifted - since you were a baby, you have possessed a great sense of rhythm and a large appreciation for music. I am so proud witnessing the growth and development of your piano skills!

2. You are such an old and enlightened soul! Your spiritual development and awareness and APPRECIATION of what TRULY matters in life far surpasses my journey already! I continually learn from you each day, my love! Just like in the car with Grandpa yesterday driving home from the airport, you told us, "That was in the past; we live in the present. So get over it, Mom." And you were absolutely correct!

1. You have the hands-down, absolutely biggest heart of anyone I have ever known in my lifetime thus far! Your generosity, kindness, compassion and concern for EVERYONE is so beautiful and astounding! Not only for your friends and family, but for every single living creature on this earth! You are so considerate of others' feelings that you oftentimes will make sacrifices so those around you are happy. And your first consideration in any situation is about how the other person is feeling.

So my love, unfortunately this list only goes to 11 here. But I hope that you know each and every day how much you are loved, admired and appreciated by your mommy and soooo many others in your life!!

Happy birthday, RockStar!! Now it's time to celebrate!!

❤❤❤

How I Learned to Slow My Flow

As someone with a tendency toward rajastic or Vata dosha (high, transforming energy), I have always been drawn to super hot, challenging vinyasa classes that are fast-paced and leave me drenched in sweat. I'd even add pushups while in backbend to kick it up a couple notches in the 105 degree heat!! Two friends of mine who are yoga teachers recently confided in me that they literally thought I was on cocaine when they first saw me in a heated vinny flow class!! At the time, that would have been the highest compliment! Now, I realize that having a frenetic uberhyper aura is not so much a compliment! Lol. (shout out Rich and Mike!)

I recall in 2009 when Karen Weber in her subtle, gracious way suggested that maybe I should consider a slower, deeper more grounding practice. I remember literally walking away from her because I was just not ready to slow it down. And I love her for her continued support and patience as my journey has led me exactly where she suggested, 3 years later!

But of course I needed those 3 years for transformation, growth, acceptance and introspection. And the truth is, the slower, deeper classes that keep one in basic asanas for an extended period of time were far more challenging for me than the fast flows and advanced poses!

As I seek an equanimous mind, I realize that balance, stillness and calmness are the very qualities that I have been avoiding! Identifying my attachment to chaos and constant movement allowed great insight into my actions. I was subconsciously yet purposefully creating distractions in order to avoid listening to my inner voice. Fear, resistance, uncertainty were all contributing factors to my aversion to being still and opening up to my inner wisdom.

Meditation and yoga have been the key factors in providing myself the sacred and safe space to look within. So far removed was I, that my mind conjured up a spiritual guide to usher me along my path! Babaji has been a constant voice/vision in my inner journey, and until recently, I have been reluctant to reveal his existence for fear of people thinking I am not sane!

Babaji has evolved from his original form and faded into the background, and his voice has transformed itself into my inner voice. He does still make random appearances, however, he's handed the reins over to me now.

In my quest for balance, non-attachment and equanimity, I have discovered how to attain a blissful, relaxed state of mind through a very slow, deep, mindful practice focusing on breathing and poses sustained for several deep breaths. The calming of the rajastic energy is channeled as strength both mentally and physically during the challenge of holding poses for a sustained period. And finding those moments of true balance within a challenging asana, a balance between yin and yang, strength and ease, grounding and flying, is the true purpose of yoga. Those moments are fleeting but so absolutely blissful.

And the beauty is, after a delicious, deep practice, the sense of lightness and buoyancy and bliss is a feeling I can carry off of my mat with me. That amazing feeling can only be described as a natural high; yogastoned; blissedout.

❤❤❤

Day 1 of No Smoking - Path to Purification

The morning went way better than expected! I thought I would be struggling, especially since smoking is such a part of my morning routine! Not the case: dropped Jules off, met one of the moms for Caribou, went grocery shopping, got my car washed and mini-detailed. The interior cleaning helped big time! Smells so yummy and fresh and is so clean!!

I briefly thought about smoking but realized I don't have the physical urge or withdrawal symptoms, at least at this point. Purely mental. Since I don't deal well with absolutes, I just told myself I won't smoke TODAY. I can revisit tomorrow.

Also I saw someone smoking and i thought to myself, "what a weak minded loser!" so hopefully that will help me as well.

And I keep thinking of how my body is literally beginning an extensive detoxification process. Hopefully I will look and feel years younger!!!

I am also tracking how much money I am saving to donate to the American Lung Association. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Jimmy Choo!!'

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

Dear Newport,

We both knew that this day would come...This is it!! I know we've been here before, but I mean it this time!! Man, i will miss your smell, taste, the way you feel against my lips and how you fill my body with your smokiness - you are pure hedonistic bliss!! I will make myself immune to your beauty and charm and appeal!!

Wow, we have had some great times - some of the best!! You have literally been there for me throughout the past almost three decades!! Through heartbreaks, victories, celebrations, transitions, new beginnings, farewells, and you've always made the day to day grind a bit more enjoyable.

Of course I will miss you!! Like I always do!! Especially in the beginning...You will never be far from my mind. But I must remain strong! You are exhilarating, you always get my heart racing and make me feel lightheaded! But you are not good for me - this is such an unhealthy relationship!! As much as you provide daily pleasure to me, you are aging my skin, making my teeth yellow and doing all types of internal damage to my heart, lungs, blood vessels, esophagus and throat!!

Yes, I know I will probably gain weight without you, baby. But that's not enough to make me stay!! I need to liberate myself from your control over me and cope with life without you as a crutch.

So darling, thanks for the fantastic times and wonderful memories. Good bye, my love!!

P.S. I have met someone else. His name is Pranayama and he is amaze balls!!!

Follow Your Heart

This is such a ubiquitous phrase - it dominates all my social media news feeds - FB, twitter, Pinterest - but what does it actually mean? And why are we constantly being reminded to listen to our hearts?

For me, it means shutting out the constant bombardment of daily and even hourly messaging from endless sources on what I should be doing, feeling, thinking and buying in order to be HAPPY. I have found that happiness is really nothing more than an attitude, a state of mind. It's a simple choice that we can all make each and every day.

Our society teaches us that we should use our heads, be logical and strategic in pursuing happiness. Setting aggressive goals to achieve, conquer, win in order to capture an elusive prize called happiness. So it is actually counterintuitive to follow your heart in pursuing happiness - It seems that showing vulnerability and humility and contentment without climbing a mountain or conquering an enemy is not valued by our society. Who are we to be happy with no achievements, no status symbols, no trophies?

Additionally, we have been conditioned to protect our hearts from being hurt by others. We are all such emotional, loving, caring beings - our greatest need aside from food, water, shelter is to be loved, appreciated, understood. And once we have been hurt, we place barriers and walls around our tender hearts to protect them from being hurt again. The complexity of the defense mechanisms that we put in place are astounding! Sometimes they are so complex we no longer realize or understand our behaviors designed to keep us safe and out of harms way.

My personal journey of self-realization and non-attachment has helped me see the lengths I have gone to in order to protect my heart! Through meditation, I have observed my behavior patterns and am slowly beginning an arduous process of self-observation and understanding. It is a long road for me to peel away the many barriers I have put in place to avoid being vulnerable. While I maintain an illusion of safety in my logical brain, I have discovered I am creating barriers to truly connecting with people I care about.

My challenge to myself is to take more risks! Express myself each day in a way that may uplift others, connect with their hearts, give them the strength and freedom to listen to their inner voices. Make them know how much they are loved and worthy of love. To me, the ultimate fulfillment is in making that true connection and serving my fellow man, woman and child. We are all worthy of loving and being loved. We are all good enough just the way we are, stripped of titles, judgements, status symbols.

❤❤❤

Defining My Edge

This was an essay assignment for my 200 hour Yoga TT program:

How Do You Define the Edge in Your Life?

Living on the edge has practically been a way of life for me - not necessarily in a positive way! When I was younger, I was compelled to be that girl that would never back down from a dare, always trying to be bolder and braver than all the boys! I constantly toed and usually crossed the line that the adults set as boundaries. I was so rebellious, in fact, that my high school education took place halfway across the globe in Manila, Philippines, at an exclusive convent school run by Catholic nuns. Rather than be influenced by the strict, religious order, I ended up corrupting all of my friends. If it wasn't for the extensive connections of my wonderful, patient guardians, Poppa Sonny and Mamma Lyn (my Mom's sister), I would have been expelled.

After graduating high school, I returned to the States and continued my erratic, rebellious path at DePaul University and ultimately, my alma mater, Illinois State University, with a bit of a detour in between. I was constantly pushing the envelope and ultimately relying on my charm and persuasiveness to rectify sticky situations of my own creation. It didn't stop there! Most of my jobs, flight attendant, retail management, financial planning, all included an unhealthy dose of challenging authority.

Socially, it was the same thing. Always living on the edge with dating, friendships, "risky behavior" that I won't dwell on here. When my marriage fell apart (after three previous broken engagements), I still had not become introspective enough to question my attitudes and behaviors. I just felt that I could do anything I wanted to to anyone without consequence or thought. The repeated lesson that I was taking away was that things always worked out for me in the end, so I must be ok.

That's when I found yoga. Initially, it was strictly a physical practice. I enjoyed early success in yoga due to my natural flexibility and strength. It was years before my practice deepened, two jobs later, one more broken engagement, one more heart broken to add to my pile of people I had hurt, failed and disappointed. And here I am.

So what is living on the edge? To me, back then, it was living on the edge of conformity, surrender, selling out, growing up. It was freedom. It was resistance. It was living life on my terms, my way, with no regard to anyone else.

As my practice has deepened, I have been able to transcend the physical and connect to my inner truth. And the surprising and delightful personal discovery that I have stumbled upon, is that my true nature is in perfect conflict with all that I have pretended to be! In my own misguidance, I had 'sold out' myself!

What a humbling realization! My outward persona has been a perfect mask, some crazy defense mechanism, to protect my vulnerability, compassion, kindness that I have always identified as weakness. My aggressive behavior, has in truth caused the greatest hurt and damage to myself in the long run.

So what is my current edge? It's in finding the strength, grace, bravery and humility to live my truth. To transcend my ego and speak my truth with honesty, candor and faith that who I am is good enough. In embracing my feminine, yin attributes, rather than trying to cultivate masculine, yang characteristics. That the only thing that really matters is in how kind, loving, humble, vulnerable I am to others. In being authentic and not pretending I am anyone but me. In allowing my true nature and inner light to shine. In detaching from my ego, material possessions and even my fears and insecurities. In allowing my identity to be defined by my conduct, respect for others and in how I can serve. In following this path, I seek enlightenment, freedom from suffering and an equanimous existence.