Look within - thou art the Buddha.

Today, as each day, I continue my journey within by embarking on a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. This experience allows a complete withdrawal from all worldly comforts and distractions. I have never felt so sure of moving forward on my path than I do about this opportunity before me.

The reactions that I have received from my family and friends have really made all of us laugh! For those who know me well, it is extremely laughable that I would stop talking for 10 minutes, let alone 240 hours! I also have a love of music, blogging, social media and journaling; all of which will not be part of this retreat. Even my own son has teased me about seeing me back home by the weekend!

Underneath the good natured betting pools and incredulous responses, I am overwhelmed by the tremendous love, support and encouragement I have been blessed with! Truly the only thing that warranted serious consideration before I accepted this honor was whether Julian believed in me and what I am trying to achieve. And Julian having the love and support of my parents, my ex-husband and my ex-fiance all working together gives me the freedom to go with zero regret.

Over the past few weeks, I have been mulling over exactly why this opportunity is before me. I have spent the majority of my life with a subtle, unnamed restlessness and a constant searching for ... something to ground me and complete me. I have looked to so many people, places, things to provide the answer. I have taken so many steps down so many wrong paths with the realization that what has directed my past actions was NEVER my own intuition. 

Obviously, all of those detours provided invaluable lessons, so they were not the wrong paths. As I continue my transformation - not into a new person, but rather a re-connection to my authentic self - I realize that I must peel away all of these remaining layers of impressions, judgements, pleasures, aversions and be still and silent.

I have had the extreme fortune in my meditations and yoga practices to experience fleeting moments of satcitananda - pure, sublime BLISS. These moments are extremely rare, and I am not sure if my description can actually do it justice ... Any yoga or meditation session focuses primarily on the breath as a focal point and a means to regulate and control prana and the chatterings of the mind. There comes a moment where the breath and thoughts slowly fade and what remains is a purely physical joyful sensation. When even that sensation has dissipated, what remains is BLISS - pure BEING. You feel ONE with EVERYTHING and NOTHING. This is your true nature, your true and natural state of consciousness!

And do you know what it is? Pure love, compassion and understanding of all beings. I believe that we are all brought into this physical world in that state - and the experience of physical life and our mind's reactions to things, whether enjoyment or aversion, remove us from that perfect state of non-attachment, equanimity and bliss.

I have only experienced this state of being a few times and never for a significant time period. Buddhists and Hindus believe that if one can maintain the relaxed, unstriving, completely at ease state for 48 minutes - that person has reached enlightenment. Not just for this lifetime but for all of our lifetimes That state is the true and highest form of our selves. To truly know one self is to know everyone. And through this knowledge and insight, we can conquer our doubts, fears, joys, pains, aversions and pleasures - ultimately conquering all things.

Vipassana mediation is the method that the Buddha himself used to attain his enlightenment. I have no expectations or particular thoughts on outcomes. I will just be there and be present.

See you in 10 days, and I am sure you will enjoy my silence as much as I will!!

NAMASTE

JAI HIND! JAI HIND! JAI HIND!

Happy Independence Day, Mother India!! Birthplace of Yoga, Chess, the Kama Sutra, modern mathematics: algebra, trigonometry, and calculus! Modern numerals including the number zero. The Pythagorean Theorem or Pi was first calculated by Indian Budhyana in the 6th Century! India is home to the first university, medical school and surgery.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I've been called many things in my life, both good and bad, but one thing I have never been accused of is being quiet, shy, silent, restrained, subdued, a woman of few words, mysterious ... Well you see where I am heading!

So it was pretty comical when I announced to my friends several months ago that I had submitted an application to be considered for a 10 day silent retreat. By silent, I mean: no talking, writing, reading, blogging, social media, music...no yoga(!), tobacco, intoxicants, physical contact, meat, meals after noon...AND up at 4 am and lights out at 9:30 p.m. each day.

There was a time not too long ago that I would have been baffled that one would choose to subject herself to such austere and ascetic conditions! However, my personal quest for detachment and equanimity mandates that I take some extreme measures to truly have the opportunity for self-knowledge without distractions.

During my recent trip to Saigon, while I was not totally detached from the world, I did put significant physical distance between myself and my daily habits and routine attachments. I found a peace within myself that I had never before experienced. In fact, upon returning from my travels, many people commented on my calm, serene presence. Maintaining my daily yoga and meditation practice has helped me to prolong such feelings, however, the magic has already begun to dissipate.

So I continue to avoid and cut out any negative energy and stress-inducing situations in my life. Of course, I realize that true peace and equanimity should be maintained in spite of negative energy and less than ideal circumstances - unfortunately, I cannot just drop everything and leave the country for a month each time someone starts working my nerves!

I am, however, at a crossroad in my journey. Two amazing blessings have been bestowed on me today! First, I auditioned for and received a regular weekly yoga class at a large, prestigious health club in the area (more on that later) AND I just learned today that I have been accepted for the next Vipassana retreat in Northern Illinois! So, here's the dilemma:

The course is from September 5-16, which is a direct conflict to: the beginning of Julian's middle school experience!; my brand new yoga class - I will miss two of the first classes!; my commitment to working on a political fundraising campaign; and, my birthday celebration (several people have held the weekend of the 14 and 15 at my insistence for the past few weeks)!!

The next several sessions offered already have waiting lists for attendance so it may be quite some time until I have this opportunity again. I feel that it is almost a test of my will: do I truly seek non-attachment and letting go in order to attain liberation: increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace?! Or do I continue to cling to the very things that ground me in the physical world? It seems almost ironic - here is the opportunity that I have been trying to attract into my life and it comes when other seeds that I have planted also begin to bear fruit ... any thoughts out there?

To be continued...

Non-Attachment - I Am Closing In On You

I have been pursuing the state of non-attachment for several years now. As a confirmed and documented materialist, sensualist, hedonist,  epicurean, legendary shopoholic and party girl, you can imagine what an uphill battle it has been!

Ultimately, I know that the worldly, material pleasures are fleeting and superficial, and the challenge is in internalizing that universal truth OFF of my yoga mat, in the real, physical world. Unfortunately, you cannot take a pill or have surgery and wake up one day and be like, "I have finally detached! I am enlightened!"

It is an arduous, daily process: true change requires growth; a breaking of established, comforting patterns; the  stretching of reassuring boundaries; movement outside of your comfort zone; a leap of faith into the abyss.

While I cannot say I am there yet, I can say that I have hit a milestone on my journey toward non-attachment! I am currently in the process of moving, and I have been enjoying the opportunity to practice non-attachment with all of my material possessions - and I have invested quite a bit of money in all of my "stuff" over the years, I must admit.

A series of three a-ha moments has been a tremendous foundation for all of the shedding I have been doing as I pack. The first one came to me during a yoga class earlier this week, and the thought was that there are basically two types of people - I realize this is a gross oversimplification, but this is related to my personal journey and I am not professing this to be a universal truth!

The first type is the airy, wind-like type of person that blows along in the breeze, flying high, twirling in the air with no set path or direction. The second type is the earthy tree type of person that is grounded, strong, deep and wants nothing more than to grow deep roots and bloom in one specific setting.

As the airy type, I observed established patterns in my life where I attract tree-type people and circumstances to my life and surround myself with material possessions in an effort to ground myself. This was such a profound moment for me, because I uncovered the very reason that  I have been in such a long string of long-term relationships that never quite endure. It is because I must seek balance within myself and not from another person. And the more I think about it, that creates quite a bit of pressure and stress on the tree person! I believe that my (former!) compulsion to consume food, drinks, people, clothing, cars, etc. was also some attempt to ground and balance my airy, vata nature!

My second moment of truth happened during my morning meditation today. Over the past few year, I have made some progress with my ego-driven need to control anything in my immediate environment: people, traffic, events, car radios, a waitress' attitude and deference to me, etc. by realizing that it is my ego under the delusion that I can control ANYthing other than myself, my mind and my reactions to circumstances. Today's meditation took that thought a step further as I noted how much BEAUTY and BLISS there is in our lives, and that we don't OWN or POSSESS any of it! Each one of us is on our own unique, individual path surrounded by our own beauty and experiences. We can't own or control people; we can't or shouldn't bend them to our will; to truly love and appreciate someone, we cannot try to possess or control them -- we should only love and support them on their journey for as long as our paths intertwine. That thought made me realize that I must let go of: everyone, physical desires, attachment to money, worries, fears, and most importantly, material possessions that do not serve a specific purpose in my life. My inner voice was telling me to LET GO and TRUST the UNIVERSE! I don't need things or people to ground me, the earth is here to support me so that I can spread my wings and fly!

And this lesson was hit home in my afternoon yoga practice today. We were holding forearm plank for what seemed like an eternity!! I can always tell when an instructor has me at my edge, because my first reaction whenever I am faced with a challenge is anger. And boy was I getting pissed off the longer that bitch had us holding the pose! When faced with any challenging moments, I have trained myself to focus on my breath to return to a more calm state of mind. During these moments of deep ujayi breathing, I had the most profound insight! It was the fact that being in this moment, digging down deep and searching for inner strength, the only thing I truly had was my breath and my mind! Nothing in my closet back home or a bottom line in my trading account was even relevant at that moment.

I am not my car, clothes, Choos; I am not my net worth; I am not WHO I know; I am not even my yoga practice! All I am and all I need to be is my heart, mind and breath. In that way, I am everything and nothing; I am everyone and no one; I am eternity and non-existence. I AM.

#108

Three of my favorite Indian deities: Lord Shiva, Hanuman and Ganesha.

How to be HAPPY .... RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!!

In my lifelong pursuit of happiness, I have spent copious amounts of time observing others and wistfully admiring how "happy" they appeared! It seemed that I would never arrive at such a wonderful, relaxed, well ... happy place in my life!

Suffice it to say that I have pursued happiness through every and any potential path (and vice) known to mankind!! While I was able to temporarily attain a sense of happiness and fulfillment, it never endured and was always dependent on some outside force, whether it was physical, emotional, material or tied to approval, accomplishment or my ego.

As I began to practice yoga, and much later meditation, I came across so many sayings and quotes about being happy, being present, choosing happiness; I understood these concepts on a logical, intellectual level, but had not yet the capacity to truly experience it.

Quite unexpectedly in Diana Christina's yoga class back in 2009, I experienced a fleeting moment of true, pure, utter bliss while in Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (King Pigeon, modeled below). The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming that my heart burst and overflowed with happiness and joy, and tears literally and freely flowed down my face!

It was my 'aha' moment - I finally got it!! As fleeting as it was, I now KNEW what I was seeking and could work to continually recapture and expand that brief moment. Since that day, I have purposefully and intentionally devoted thousands of hours of yoga and meditation both on and off of my beloved mat to recapture and cultivate that feeling of bliss.

Here is my tried and true formula to BEING HAPPY RIGHT FRICKEN NOW!!


Breathe - Take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your throat, chest and diaphragm with fresh prana-rich oxygen and slowly exhale through your mouth, releasing any tension, stress and negative energy that is not serving you. Nothing focuses you on the present, the here and now, than being observant and aware of your breath. You literally cannot focus on what is upsetting you when you turn your full attention to the beauty and wonder of your breath.

Whenever you are upset, agitated or just need to calm down and collect your thoughts, you are always told to "Take a deep breath." If you really stop to think about it, the seemingly simple act of breathing is such a complex miracle! When we inhale, we are bringing fresh, life-sustaining oxygen into our body and it is distributed to each one of our cells via our bloodstream. The air that we exhale carries with it harmful waste and toxins which been removed from all parts of the body.

Pray and/or Meditate - Take a moment to detach from the hustle and bustle. Find a quiet space to calm your mind and connect with your higher power. Acknowledge that HE or SHE or IT is actually calling all of the shots, and that worrying is an exercise in futility. So often we cannot control our circumstances, but we most certainly can control our reactions and how we let situations and people affect our inner peace.

Identify three blessings in your life that you are grateful for, and express that appreciation. Finding peace and happiness by focusing your mind on the POSITIVE is nothing more than a shift in your perspective and the creation of a new habit.

Connect with Humanity - Volunteer your services at church, a local pet shelter, yoga studio, scouting group, soup kitchen. You get the picture. Reach outside of yourself and focus on helping others. Not only does the activity and interaction force your mind away from negative thoughts, it also creates the most amazing feeling of all -- the simple and profound feeling of gratification. Knowing that you are creating an impact in another life through service is easily one of the most natural highs available to us as human beings. It's indescribable.

Or call a friend, a relative, or even spend some time online checking your social media pages. The simple act of reaching out to others and making a connection helps you realize that you are not alone and your friends are there for you when you need them.

Smile at strangers. I have always found that making a spontaneous connection with a passing stranger, whether it's a quick smile, good morning or God Bless You, is such a quick mood lifter! That spark that you create is guileless and pure, and I guarantee it's something that both of you will carry within throughout the day and keep spreading on.

Exercise - I have never once regretted the times that I have pushed myself to workout when I am feeling my lowest or laziest. Never. Ever. I may not get the deepest, best performance, but I always walk away more positive and happy! There is literally a psychological and spiritual lift that I experience during and after a great workout.

Additionally, there are physiological responses and reactions within the body that cause the production and release of the following happiness and pleasure inducing (all natural!) chemicals:

• Endorphins are released by your pituitary gland and create feelings of happiness, euphoria, exhilaration and block any feelings of pain. Endorphins allow you to power through challenging workouts on a "natural high," and is the reason some people become addicted to strenuous, challenging forms of exercise. I often describe this feeling as #yogastoned or #yogablissedout.

• Serotonin is a chemical that creates feelings of happiness; pleasurable, restful sleep and a healthy appetite. Serotonin levels increase the more you work out consistently, which subsequently provides you with more energy and clearer thinking. My increased production of serotonin has actually helped me with my insomnia and ADHD and my ability to manage my symptoms without medication! And once serotonin and endorphins get together, your workout becomes that much more pleasurable -   creating better workout habits! 

• Dopamine is my personal favorite!! It is a pleasure chemical occurring naturally within your body. Working out regularly and consistently helps stimulate the production of dopamine which not only helps regulate weight gain and food level satisfaction, but it is also associated with orgasms. That's right. And we all know that a heavy workout, say spin class, quad squats or tons of core work in pilates or yoga, make orgasms more intense - we do all know that right? I think it is because of the increased blood circulation in those large muscle groups located in the lower body. Some folks even experience an amazing phenomenon called 'coregasm' during intense spin classes or in yoga class in poses such as paschimottanasana (seated forward fold.) Just saying.

Music - Listening to upbeat, happy music is ALWAYS such a mood lifter! Not only does it put you in a better mood, but there is also evidence that the emotional response one has to music increases our favorite chemical - dopamine!! See above. ;)

And finally ...

Love and Forgive - Yourself and others. We all know that life is fleeting and precious and unpredictable. Just seeing the horrible shooting that took place in Colorado yesterday at a public movie theater is sufficient evidence why we should all choose happiness, forgiveness and love, love, love. 

If you are depressed, you are living in the past;

If you are anxious, you are living in the future;

If you are happy, you are living in the present.

Newport and Me

Like any dysfunctional, unhealthy coupling, there is always that strong magnetic pull that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, for some reason, KNOWING it is not right for us makes it that much more irresistible, pleasurable and delicious! In the back of your mind, you're always thinking, "Ok, this is the last time! I deserve it one more time before I completely walk away." "How could something that feels so good and natural be so wrong?" "I am in control of my life - I know what's best for me!" "I can walk away whenever I want to!" You get the idea...

And I really hate to categorize my relationships; as a yogini, I believe that these things should unfold naturally and organically! Who needs labels! But, if you insist, I guess we could refer to it as an addiction.

Isn't admitting it like the first of the 12 steps? Ok, here goes, "My name is Nadja and I am a smokaholic." There. I said it! So, clearly my Path to Purification has a huge roadblock dead smack in the center of the road. And this one has been an immense challenge for me! Like every smoker, I have "successfully" quit on several occasions, always cold turkey. But key to that process is making the mental decision and commitment...and for some reason, my mind has been resisting making that concession.

As my meditation practice deepens and my knowledge base has increased tremendously over the past three months via all of the books, articles, research and documentaries I am ingesting as part of my 200 hour yoga teacher training program, one would think that this mental process would be a "no-brainer." (pun intended).

Through studying the Buddha's teachings and his insight into attaining enlightenment, I have learned that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment is caused by the mind's reaction to any stimuli - either aversion or pleasure. Once that reaction is made and processed, we ideally should observe the feeling and then let it go ... focusing instead on the present moment through training the mind to focus on the breath.

Based on my past (temporary) successes in quitting smoking and armed with my new knowledge, one would think this would be a much easier exercise for me. After deeper introspection, I have observed that while I have made some very superficial, cosmetic changes in my lifestyle, my Path to Purification and Enlightenment has barely begun. Yes, I have been able to let go of certain attachments; walk away from situations and people that are no longer contributing to my happiness, growth and freedom; deepen my meditation practice; begin another new journey relating to my career; remove red meat from my diet to see if it resonates with my body and lifestyle; wean myself off of prescription sleeping pills; build more awareness surrounding how my actions affect those around me that I love and care for; and attempt to be more thoughtful and purposeful in my speech; however; saying I am a work in progress is truly an understatement.

Ok, the first 6 paragraphs were written a few days ago So, after writing the above entry, I quit smoking cold turkey! The key to quitting was not making a huge deal about it and over thinking it! I went on a date Saturday night, ran out of cigarettes and have not smoked since!!

Not even a ton of thought into it; I just keep telling myself each day that it's just for today. I can revisit this tomorrow. That's it. That simple. And I already have 3 full days under my belt!!

There's a Thin Line Between Letting Your Inner Light Shine and CRAZY

As I wandered aimlessly and blissfully among the streets of NYC, I smugly smiled to myself at how authentic I am and how I am slowly liberating myself from all of society's shackles. Prowling the streets, feeling the pure energy of the City that Never Sleeps, I looked with perhaps something close to a bit of pity at all of the people working 9-5 jobs, rushing about, stressed out and "working for the Man."

I savored the moment, inhaling and exhaling as I looked around appreciating the wonder of the Big Apple, thinking that all of those folks bustling about take so much of it for granted in their pursuit of success.  I sent up a silent prayer of gratitude and thanks to God for allowing me the wisdom and strength to pursue my passion and follow my heart. I felt free, liberated, enlightened!

As I continued walking, I heard someone singing gospel music. She didn't have a particularly special or talented voice, but I heard her before I could see her. I searched the sidewalks until I finally saw the woman singing to her heart's content. She was easily in her late 50s or early 60s, clearly homeless, sitting on a pile of stuff that was all of her worldly possessions, and she was belting out a song with her eyes closed and with pure emotion.

WOW! Here was a woman, living in the moment, expressing herself through her voice, who had obviously walked away from property ownership and all of society's other "shackles," including personal grooming and a sense of style. She seemed happy, content and at peace ... so why did that image shake me to my core? Shouldn't I be admiring this woman for her courage, strength, authenticity? She was the epitome of freedom, liberation and enlightenment!

But the truth is, I began to doubt my new path. Should I really be liquidating my lululemon and Whole Foods stocks to bankroll myself while I pursue a noble but undefined path toward non-attachment and equanimity? It seemed like such poetic justice at the time, but, there really are no guarantees here! What if I ended up homeless, alone, disowned by Julian, lugging all of my entire wealth around the streets while I practiced yoga whenever, wherever and however I felt like it? Am I willing to take this journey if that's where it is leading me?

Well, the answer is NO, I do not want to be an old, lonely, homeless woman with no money! But I realized that if that is truly my path, I will end up there anyway, whether I work on Wall Street with $10 million in my trading account or whether I am a struggling yoga instructor in her middle years! It also dawned on me that I am still very far from a place of non-attachment -- I still have far too many pairs of shoes, dresses, clothing items, yoga mats that I no longer use (or have never used!) but have not let go of. I still hunger for beautiful material possessions. I still judge people on society's standards of success rather than personal fulfillment. I still struggle with drinking, smoking, overindulging on chocolate. I still spend too much time in the past and not enough time meditating.

I am a continual work in progress, as we all are. Perhaps the lesson here is to appreciate the position and opportunity that I have been blessed with and continually visualize my global, universal intent, but always remember that a dream realized takes a lot of hard work, focus, determination, sacrifices, tears, pain, faith and belief in myself and GOD.

So whatever side of that thin line I am on is up to interpretation. But I know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be.

NOTE: I didn't capture an image of the gospel lady, however, I was greeted by statue of liberty man as I disembarked from a NJ to NYC ferry which captures my same thought process. He rode past me on his bike as I was walking to a yoga class, and I realized that he went down to the pier just to pose for ferry passengers. Crazy or free? You decide!

Saigon and Me

Dear Saigon,

Wow - the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of impressions, experiences and feelings, and our time together ended way too quickly!

You are exotic, chaotic, merging and emerging, rich in history and national pride, struggling yet soaring: Same same and different. And beneath your city streets flows an undercurrent of pure energy.

I felt your heat, heavy and humid - relieved by daily bursts of summer showers. You are a perfect balance of prana, your yin and yang in equilibrium, the stark contrasts that define you balancing exquisitely - This Is Vietnam!!!

Until we meet again, please know that you have touched my heart and I am all the better for it! Healing, growth and connection. Saigon is now part of me...

Farewell not goodbye!
A Yogi

Reality

And when all the music stopped and the people were gone, the quiet stillness reminded me that I am alone. Loneliness is a deep aching in your heart, especially once you've known the heights of love and have built and shared your life with another.

As tears spill down my face, I realize that I am exactly where I should be. Being with someone so as not to not be alone is not the life of truth, authenticity and fulfillment that I seek. I have made tough decisions, the right decisions, that have brought me to this moment.

This is my time to rediscover myself: who I  really am in the depth of my soul; what is my purpose here on earth; how can I serve humanity by sharing my unique gifts; what makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted; what type of person will I love and respect enough to spend time with, which is ultimately all of life's currency.

And in the silence, I realize that I am not lonely at all! Totally detached from performing, entertaining, trying, grasping, reaching, clutching, wanting, needing, fearing, doubting, worrying ... I AM.

Why Mind Matters Most

Essay assignment from 200 hour LifePower Yoga teacher training

If you don't control your mind, then your mind will control you

Whatever we think, feel, crave, enjoy and do, it is our mind that processes the impulse or action and assigns a reaction and impression to it. So, if one can control one's mind, one can essentially control one's destiny!

Through meditation and yoga, I have become increasingly self-aware; of my actions, patterns, cravings, thoughts, impulses, doubts and my ego. Initially, just stilling the crazy monkey chatter and learning to focus on my breath and be present was my greatest challenge! It literally took years for me to be able to be still and focus for even a few minutes before and after a yoga class! Oftentimes I would arrive late and leave during sivasana - that's how ignorant and blind I was to the true purpose of yoga.

Through increased self-awareness, I began to be more cognizant of how impulsive and reactive I was, and most importantly, how these actions affected those around me and those I care about. It also brought to light my negative thought patterns, self-destructive behaviors and the role my ego plays in virtually every aspect of my life.

The mind is such a complex system; if one does not know one's true nature and true mind, you can end up fooling even yourself! The idea that the mind matters most is that we CAN learn to focus our thoughts in a positive fashion and thus control the quality of our lives, regardless of physical circumstances. Throughout history, humanity has suffered unbelievable atrocities and inhumane hardships - circumstances outside of one's control. While our ego likes to pretend that we can control our environment and circumstances, it has been proven wrong time and again. The one thing that we can control is our attitude and perspective, and that truly makes all the difference.

Buddha Says...

"To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others"

If I only had 24 hours left to live

If I only had 24 hours left to live

I would savor every breath, enjoy each second, connect with everyone who crossed my path, spark a revolution, make people smile, eat whatever I wanted, not worry about how much I weighed, how I looked, who liked me and who didn't. I would make people sparkle, and smile, and laugh, and feel loved, and appreciated, and help them understand how beautiful and amazing and unique they are. I would tell everyone I met to forgive themselves and others that have hurt them. To be kind, loving and compassionate, especially to themselves. That they are not alone. That it's ok to be YOU!! I would give away every last penny I had to those in true need. I would tell each child I met that God has given him or her a special unique gift to share with the world. I would teach yoga and meditation and tell people it's a great path to true happiness and peace, but it's not the only one. I would encourage people to let go and let God! To stop worrying and obsessing and competing and clutching; to open up and let people in, even if may end up hurting you. I would tell every person in my life how much I love them and how their love and support has made all the difference in my life. I would hug my son Julian and never ever let him go!!! And I would not spend one precious second worrying about the past, the future or money!!!❤❤❤

Happy 11th Birthday, JugaMan!!

Happy 11th birthday, Julian Pierce Prem Lalvani-Dudley!! It seems like just yesterday when I was sitting in my glider in your nursery with my hands on my belly dreaming of when I would finally hold you in my arms!! The years have flown by, and I am so grateful for all of our wonderful memories together.

The best, most important, gratifying and significant part of my life has been being your mommy; marveling at your strength, your mind, your creativity, your sense of fun and adventure, your sense of humor, and most importantly, that enormous kind, caring, loving heart of yours!

So in honor of your birthday, I have created a Top 11 list of Reasons that you are an EPIC 11 year old!! Here we go...

11. You are damn good looking!! (runs in the family on your maternal side! Teehee)

10. You are a very talented athlete. Any sport that you have tried, you've been blessed with natural athletic ability. I am so happy that you have found a passion for karate. And proud that you realize talent alone will not get you very far. I see how dedicated and consistent you are with attending class, practicing at home and helping develop and lead those students with lower ranks than you.

9. You are not a follower - and you never have been! You have always danced to your own rhythm and I know you will continue to do so!

8. Building on #9 - You know yourself and you are yourself always! You are comfortable and happy in your own skin and enjoy being an individual.

7. You have an extremely strong moral compass. You know the difference between right and wrong and are unwavering in your judgement.

6. You are a natural leader. Because of your strength, convictions and self-confidence, people are naturally drawn to you!! And you always treat everyone with kindness, respect and compassion.

5. You are extremely self disciplined! What other 11 year old (or 40 year old for that matter) would be able to stare at their gift for almost a week and not give in to temptation - especially when everyone in your family pressured you each day to give in?!??!!

4. You have such a great sense of humor and such a sharp and quick wit! Not a single day goes by that you don't make me laugh out loud at least once! You are HILARIOUS!!

3. You are truly musically gifted - since you were a baby, you have possessed a great sense of rhythm and a large appreciation for music. I am so proud witnessing the growth and development of your piano skills!

2. You are such an old and enlightened soul! Your spiritual development and awareness and APPRECIATION of what TRULY matters in life far surpasses my journey already! I continually learn from you each day, my love! Just like in the car with Grandpa yesterday driving home from the airport, you told us, "That was in the past; we live in the present. So get over it, Mom." And you were absolutely correct!

1. You have the hands-down, absolutely biggest heart of anyone I have ever known in my lifetime thus far! Your generosity, kindness, compassion and concern for EVERYONE is so beautiful and astounding! Not only for your friends and family, but for every single living creature on this earth! You are so considerate of others' feelings that you oftentimes will make sacrifices so those around you are happy. And your first consideration in any situation is about how the other person is feeling.

So my love, unfortunately this list only goes to 11 here. But I hope that you know each and every day how much you are loved, admired and appreciated by your mommy and soooo many others in your life!!

Happy birthday, RockStar!! Now it's time to celebrate!!

❤❤❤

How I Learned to Slow My Flow

As someone with a tendency toward rajastic or Vata dosha (high, transforming energy), I have always been drawn to super hot, challenging vinyasa classes that are fast-paced and leave me drenched in sweat. I'd even add pushups while in backbend to kick it up a couple notches in the 105 degree heat!! Two friends of mine who are yoga teachers recently confided in me that they literally thought I was on cocaine when they first saw me in a heated vinny flow class!! At the time, that would have been the highest compliment! Now, I realize that having a frenetic uberhyper aura is not so much a compliment! Lol. (shout out Rich and Mike!)

I recall in 2009 when Karen Weber in her subtle, gracious way suggested that maybe I should consider a slower, deeper more grounding practice. I remember literally walking away from her because I was just not ready to slow it down. And I love her for her continued support and patience as my journey has led me exactly where she suggested, 3 years later!

But of course I needed those 3 years for transformation, growth, acceptance and introspection. And the truth is, the slower, deeper classes that keep one in basic asanas for an extended period of time were far more challenging for me than the fast flows and advanced poses!

As I seek an equanimous mind, I realize that balance, stillness and calmness are the very qualities that I have been avoiding! Identifying my attachment to chaos and constant movement allowed great insight into my actions. I was subconsciously yet purposefully creating distractions in order to avoid listening to my inner voice. Fear, resistance, uncertainty were all contributing factors to my aversion to being still and opening up to my inner wisdom.

Meditation and yoga have been the key factors in providing myself the sacred and safe space to look within. So far removed was I, that my mind conjured up a spiritual guide to usher me along my path! Babaji has been a constant voice/vision in my inner journey, and until recently, I have been reluctant to reveal his existence for fear of people thinking I am not sane!

Babaji has evolved from his original form and faded into the background, and his voice has transformed itself into my inner voice. He does still make random appearances, however, he's handed the reins over to me now.

In my quest for balance, non-attachment and equanimity, I have discovered how to attain a blissful, relaxed state of mind through a very slow, deep, mindful practice focusing on breathing and poses sustained for several deep breaths. The calming of the rajastic energy is channeled as strength both mentally and physically during the challenge of holding poses for a sustained period. And finding those moments of true balance within a challenging asana, a balance between yin and yang, strength and ease, grounding and flying, is the true purpose of yoga. Those moments are fleeting but so absolutely blissful.

And the beauty is, after a delicious, deep practice, the sense of lightness and buoyancy and bliss is a feeling I can carry off of my mat with me. That amazing feeling can only be described as a natural high; yogastoned; blissedout.

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