Vipassana Bubble One-Month Gut Check

It's been exactly one month since I returned from my Vipassana 10 day silent retreat, so I think it's appropriate to do a gut-check here and assess my current situation...and I am starting with the premise that wherever I am on my journey, it is absolutely ok.

So, I'll kick it off by openly confessing that the beautiful, calm, peaceful bubble is gone. Popped. Bursted. Evaporated. It is NO MORE!!

I just re-watched my v-log post describing how amazing I felt a week after my re-entry into my life, and  I am thunderstruck by how far away I have slipped from equanimity in just a few short, jam-packed, stressful, pressure-filled weeks!

Of course, I take full responsibility for the choices that I have made and the chaos that I have allowed into my precious bubble.

My bubble bursting reminds me of the Stephen King movie Pet Cemetery. In the movie, when a pet dies, you bury him or her in the Pet Cemetery and the next morning, it returns home. The only caveat is that it is not quite the same animal that returns from the Pet Cemetery - there is something distinctly evil and off. 

Which is exactly how I have been feeling being outside the bubble - my old habits of reacting to stressful, overwhelming situations seems a bit more intense and ... well, not sane!! So, as I am taking a step back to observe and process where I now am, I am reminding myself to focus more on my breath and OBSERVE the physical SENSATIONS I experience in those moments. Just breathing and observing without reacting.

For me, it's all about seeking balance ...  cultivating the ability to calmly and purposefully engage in various activities and tasks with a balanced approach rather than intense and extreme focus and energy. 

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I fully intend to begin again!! I want my bubble back!! Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy!! Be happy! Be happy!!

My 10 Day Vipassana Silent Meditation Experience

On My Mat

My beloved Jade mat - I have 3 Mandukas and a few other randoms, but this is the only mat that I  truly love! So much beautiful, healing, validating energy on this one!! So much for non-attachment! tee hee hee 

Each time I unroll my mat, the familiarity of that simple action resonates to the core of my heart! How many thousands of times have I performed that simple action in my life? And in how many dozens of studios throughout the world - from Miami and NYC to LA and Santa Monica. On a rooftop in New Delhi at dawn. In a studio in Rome taught entirely in Italian! And so many other corners of our beautiful Earth.

Yet that initial action, and all that follow it, exists in a sacred space, an entire universe, on my beloved mat. When the madness of the world has invaded my lovely precious bubble, and I have allowed others' negativity and self-loathing and misery to permeate my equanimity, I can ALWAYS roll out my mat and let it all go. 

Just like that. At least for an hour, I can truly live in the moment, my breath bridging my mind, body and soul with something much bigger and more significant than external distractions, attachments and aversions. Linking my breath with my body's movements, I experience the physical sensations of pure, utter bliss within my physical body. Yet my mental focus allows a transcendence of the physical into a true oneness with all things, everything and nothing.

My mat has supported me through heartbreak, total sublime happiness, guilt, anger, bliss, excitement, fear and self-doubt. The one thing that is consistent is the impermanence of each emotion...whether the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, nothing endures! 

That simple reminder of the nature of life - it goes on! - grounds me firmly back in 'yathabhuta' reality 'as it is' not how I wish it to be! And the ultimate universal truth: All I need for true happiness can be found ONLY WITHIN and ONLY BY ME.

And as I roll my lovely mat back up, my bubble is once again safely back in tact and filled with love, peace and compassion for myself and all others.

Bhavatu Sarva Mangalam - May all beings be happy!

Redemption and Love

You can't ever go back and erase the pain that you caused. Or pay more attention to the little things that you took for granted. Or appreciate someone opening their heart to you and understanding the significance of it.

You can't go back and be more compassionate; more caring; more interested; more forgiving; more supportive; more loving. Or reverse the words that wounded; destroyed; cut to the core of someone's heart. 

You also can't continue to punish yourself for your mistakes - they are done and gone.  Karma is real, and the universe administers justice immediately. We are what we have done, and we will be what we are doing now. We are the sole masters of our fate and must accept the consequences that our actions reap.

If it's forgiveness that you seek for yourself - you must immediately stop your negative intentions and harmful actions. The only true path to redemption is to stop causing pain and cease contributing to the misery in the world. And the realization that:

You CAN commit to being more compassionate; more focused on others' feelings; more grateful for every kindness; more content with giving more and expecting much less.

You CAN choose to give and spread LOVE in its purest form. Sending only positive thoughts and energy to all living things. Vowing that all of your thoughts, deeds and actions will contribute to the happiness, liberation and freedom of others.

And for true redemption and forgiveness to occur, the universe will draw a person into your life who is seeking their own redemption. That person will assume the role that you once played; that person will cause you pain; that person will take for granted all of your gestures of love and vulnerability; that person will not understand the depth of your love.

That person will be incapable of showing you compassion, caring, support, affection, love. That person will dismiss your love that you give so freely and openly. That person will hurt you again and again and again. And you will love that person still.

You must continue to love that person for the pure sake of your heart without any expectations. You will choose to offer your love, and the expression of that love IS the purpose. In this way, you heal one another. Your guilt is purged and their pain is healed. Annica! Annica! Annica!

Look within - thou art the Buddha.

Today, as each day, I continue my journey within by embarking on a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. This experience allows a complete withdrawal from all worldly comforts and distractions. I have never felt so sure of moving forward on my path than I do about this opportunity before me.

The reactions that I have received from my family and friends have really made all of us laugh! For those who know me well, it is extremely laughable that I would stop talking for 10 minutes, let alone 240 hours! I also have a love of music, blogging, social media and journaling; all of which will not be part of this retreat. Even my own son has teased me about seeing me back home by the weekend!

Underneath the good natured betting pools and incredulous responses, I am overwhelmed by the tremendous love, support and encouragement I have been blessed with! Truly the only thing that warranted serious consideration before I accepted this honor was whether Julian believed in me and what I am trying to achieve. And Julian having the love and support of my parents, my ex-husband and my ex-fiance all working together gives me the freedom to go with zero regret.

Over the past few weeks, I have been mulling over exactly why this opportunity is before me. I have spent the majority of my life with a subtle, unnamed restlessness and a constant searching for ... something to ground me and complete me. I have looked to so many people, places, things to provide the answer. I have taken so many steps down so many wrong paths with the realization that what has directed my past actions was NEVER my own intuition. 

Obviously, all of those detours provided invaluable lessons, so they were not the wrong paths. As I continue my transformation - not into a new person, but rather a re-connection to my authentic self - I realize that I must peel away all of these remaining layers of impressions, judgements, pleasures, aversions and be still and silent.

I have had the extreme fortune in my meditations and yoga practices to experience fleeting moments of satcitananda - pure, sublime BLISS. These moments are extremely rare, and I am not sure if my description can actually do it justice ... Any yoga or meditation session focuses primarily on the breath as a focal point and a means to regulate and control prana and the chatterings of the mind. There comes a moment where the breath and thoughts slowly fade and what remains is a purely physical joyful sensation. When even that sensation has dissipated, what remains is BLISS - pure BEING. You feel ONE with EVERYTHING and NOTHING. This is your true nature, your true and natural state of consciousness!

And do you know what it is? Pure love, compassion and understanding of all beings. I believe that we are all brought into this physical world in that state - and the experience of physical life and our mind's reactions to things, whether enjoyment or aversion, remove us from that perfect state of non-attachment, equanimity and bliss.

I have only experienced this state of being a few times and never for a significant time period. Buddhists and Hindus believe that if one can maintain the relaxed, unstriving, completely at ease state for 48 minutes - that person has reached enlightenment. Not just for this lifetime but for all of our lifetimes That state is the true and highest form of our selves. To truly know one self is to know everyone. And through this knowledge and insight, we can conquer our doubts, fears, joys, pains, aversions and pleasures - ultimately conquering all things.

Vipassana mediation is the method that the Buddha himself used to attain his enlightenment. I have no expectations or particular thoughts on outcomes. I will just be there and be present.

See you in 10 days, and I am sure you will enjoy my silence as much as I will!!

NAMASTE

JAI HIND! JAI HIND! JAI HIND!

Happy Independence Day, Mother India!! Birthplace of Yoga, Chess, the Kama Sutra, modern mathematics: algebra, trigonometry, and calculus! Modern numerals including the number zero. The Pythagorean Theorem or Pi was first calculated by Indian Budhyana in the 6th Century! India is home to the first university, medical school and surgery.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I've been called many things in my life, both good and bad, but one thing I have never been accused of is being quiet, shy, silent, restrained, subdued, a woman of few words, mysterious ... Well you see where I am heading!

So it was pretty comical when I announced to my friends several months ago that I had submitted an application to be considered for a 10 day silent retreat. By silent, I mean: no talking, writing, reading, blogging, social media, music...no yoga(!), tobacco, intoxicants, physical contact, meat, meals after noon...AND up at 4 am and lights out at 9:30 p.m. each day.

There was a time not too long ago that I would have been baffled that one would choose to subject herself to such austere and ascetic conditions! However, my personal quest for detachment and equanimity mandates that I take some extreme measures to truly have the opportunity for self-knowledge without distractions.

During my recent trip to Saigon, while I was not totally detached from the world, I did put significant physical distance between myself and my daily habits and routine attachments. I found a peace within myself that I had never before experienced. In fact, upon returning from my travels, many people commented on my calm, serene presence. Maintaining my daily yoga and meditation practice has helped me to prolong such feelings, however, the magic has already begun to dissipate.

So I continue to avoid and cut out any negative energy and stress-inducing situations in my life. Of course, I realize that true peace and equanimity should be maintained in spite of negative energy and less than ideal circumstances - unfortunately, I cannot just drop everything and leave the country for a month each time someone starts working my nerves!

I am, however, at a crossroad in my journey. Two amazing blessings have been bestowed on me today! First, I auditioned for and received a regular weekly yoga class at a large, prestigious health club in the area (more on that later) AND I just learned today that I have been accepted for the next Vipassana retreat in Northern Illinois! So, here's the dilemma:

The course is from September 5-16, which is a direct conflict to: the beginning of Julian's middle school experience!; my brand new yoga class - I will miss two of the first classes!; my commitment to working on a political fundraising campaign; and, my birthday celebration (several people have held the weekend of the 14 and 15 at my insistence for the past few weeks)!!

The next several sessions offered already have waiting lists for attendance so it may be quite some time until I have this opportunity again. I feel that it is almost a test of my will: do I truly seek non-attachment and letting go in order to attain liberation: increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace?! Or do I continue to cling to the very things that ground me in the physical world? It seems almost ironic - here is the opportunity that I have been trying to attract into my life and it comes when other seeds that I have planted also begin to bear fruit ... any thoughts out there?

To be continued...

Non-Attachment - I Am Closing In On You

I have been pursuing the state of non-attachment for several years now. As a confirmed and documented materialist, sensualist, hedonist,  epicurean, legendary shopoholic and party girl, you can imagine what an uphill battle it has been!

Ultimately, I know that the worldly, material pleasures are fleeting and superficial, and the challenge is in internalizing that universal truth OFF of my yoga mat, in the real, physical world. Unfortunately, you cannot take a pill or have surgery and wake up one day and be like, "I have finally detached! I am enlightened!"

It is an arduous, daily process: true change requires growth; a breaking of established, comforting patterns; the  stretching of reassuring boundaries; movement outside of your comfort zone; a leap of faith into the abyss.

While I cannot say I am there yet, I can say that I have hit a milestone on my journey toward non-attachment! I am currently in the process of moving, and I have been enjoying the opportunity to practice non-attachment with all of my material possessions - and I have invested quite a bit of money in all of my "stuff" over the years, I must admit.

A series of three a-ha moments has been a tremendous foundation for all of the shedding I have been doing as I pack. The first one came to me during a yoga class earlier this week, and the thought was that there are basically two types of people - I realize this is a gross oversimplification, but this is related to my personal journey and I am not professing this to be a universal truth!

The first type is the airy, wind-like type of person that blows along in the breeze, flying high, twirling in the air with no set path or direction. The second type is the earthy tree type of person that is grounded, strong, deep and wants nothing more than to grow deep roots and bloom in one specific setting.

As the airy type, I observed established patterns in my life where I attract tree-type people and circumstances to my life and surround myself with material possessions in an effort to ground myself. This was such a profound moment for me, because I uncovered the very reason that  I have been in such a long string of long-term relationships that never quite endure. It is because I must seek balance within myself and not from another person. And the more I think about it, that creates quite a bit of pressure and stress on the tree person! I believe that my (former!) compulsion to consume food, drinks, people, clothing, cars, etc. was also some attempt to ground and balance my airy, vata nature!

My second moment of truth happened during my morning meditation today. Over the past few year, I have made some progress with my ego-driven need to control anything in my immediate environment: people, traffic, events, car radios, a waitress' attitude and deference to me, etc. by realizing that it is my ego under the delusion that I can control ANYthing other than myself, my mind and my reactions to circumstances. Today's meditation took that thought a step further as I noted how much BEAUTY and BLISS there is in our lives, and that we don't OWN or POSSESS any of it! Each one of us is on our own unique, individual path surrounded by our own beauty and experiences. We can't own or control people; we can't or shouldn't bend them to our will; to truly love and appreciate someone, we cannot try to possess or control them -- we should only love and support them on their journey for as long as our paths intertwine. That thought made me realize that I must let go of: everyone, physical desires, attachment to money, worries, fears, and most importantly, material possessions that do not serve a specific purpose in my life. My inner voice was telling me to LET GO and TRUST the UNIVERSE! I don't need things or people to ground me, the earth is here to support me so that I can spread my wings and fly!

And this lesson was hit home in my afternoon yoga practice today. We were holding forearm plank for what seemed like an eternity!! I can always tell when an instructor has me at my edge, because my first reaction whenever I am faced with a challenge is anger. And boy was I getting pissed off the longer that bitch had us holding the pose! When faced with any challenging moments, I have trained myself to focus on my breath to return to a more calm state of mind. During these moments of deep ujayi breathing, I had the most profound insight! It was the fact that being in this moment, digging down deep and searching for inner strength, the only thing I truly had was my breath and my mind! Nothing in my closet back home or a bottom line in my trading account was even relevant at that moment.

I am not my car, clothes, Choos; I am not my net worth; I am not WHO I know; I am not even my yoga practice! All I am and all I need to be is my heart, mind and breath. In that way, I am everything and nothing; I am everyone and no one; I am eternity and non-existence. I AM.

#108

Three of my favorite Indian deities: Lord Shiva, Hanuman and Ganesha.

How to be HAPPY .... RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!!

In my lifelong pursuit of happiness, I have spent copious amounts of time observing others and wistfully admiring how "happy" they appeared! It seemed that I would never arrive at such a wonderful, relaxed, well ... happy place in my life!

Suffice it to say that I have pursued happiness through every and any potential path (and vice) known to mankind!! While I was able to temporarily attain a sense of happiness and fulfillment, it never endured and was always dependent on some outside force, whether it was physical, emotional, material or tied to approval, accomplishment or my ego.

As I began to practice yoga, and much later meditation, I came across so many sayings and quotes about being happy, being present, choosing happiness; I understood these concepts on a logical, intellectual level, but had not yet the capacity to truly experience it.

Quite unexpectedly in Diana Christina's yoga class back in 2009, I experienced a fleeting moment of true, pure, utter bliss while in Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (King Pigeon, modeled below). The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming that my heart burst and overflowed with happiness and joy, and tears literally and freely flowed down my face!

It was my 'aha' moment - I finally got it!! As fleeting as it was, I now KNEW what I was seeking and could work to continually recapture and expand that brief moment. Since that day, I have purposefully and intentionally devoted thousands of hours of yoga and meditation both on and off of my beloved mat to recapture and cultivate that feeling of bliss.

Here is my tried and true formula to BEING HAPPY RIGHT FRICKEN NOW!!


Breathe - Take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your throat, chest and diaphragm with fresh prana-rich oxygen and slowly exhale through your mouth, releasing any tension, stress and negative energy that is not serving you. Nothing focuses you on the present, the here and now, than being observant and aware of your breath. You literally cannot focus on what is upsetting you when you turn your full attention to the beauty and wonder of your breath.

Whenever you are upset, agitated or just need to calm down and collect your thoughts, you are always told to "Take a deep breath." If you really stop to think about it, the seemingly simple act of breathing is such a complex miracle! When we inhale, we are bringing fresh, life-sustaining oxygen into our body and it is distributed to each one of our cells via our bloodstream. The air that we exhale carries with it harmful waste and toxins which been removed from all parts of the body.

Pray and/or Meditate - Take a moment to detach from the hustle and bustle. Find a quiet space to calm your mind and connect with your higher power. Acknowledge that HE or SHE or IT is actually calling all of the shots, and that worrying is an exercise in futility. So often we cannot control our circumstances, but we most certainly can control our reactions and how we let situations and people affect our inner peace.

Identify three blessings in your life that you are grateful for, and express that appreciation. Finding peace and happiness by focusing your mind on the POSITIVE is nothing more than a shift in your perspective and the creation of a new habit.

Connect with Humanity - Volunteer your services at church, a local pet shelter, yoga studio, scouting group, soup kitchen. You get the picture. Reach outside of yourself and focus on helping others. Not only does the activity and interaction force your mind away from negative thoughts, it also creates the most amazing feeling of all -- the simple and profound feeling of gratification. Knowing that you are creating an impact in another life through service is easily one of the most natural highs available to us as human beings. It's indescribable.

Or call a friend, a relative, or even spend some time online checking your social media pages. The simple act of reaching out to others and making a connection helps you realize that you are not alone and your friends are there for you when you need them.

Smile at strangers. I have always found that making a spontaneous connection with a passing stranger, whether it's a quick smile, good morning or God Bless You, is such a quick mood lifter! That spark that you create is guileless and pure, and I guarantee it's something that both of you will carry within throughout the day and keep spreading on.

Exercise - I have never once regretted the times that I have pushed myself to workout when I am feeling my lowest or laziest. Never. Ever. I may not get the deepest, best performance, but I always walk away more positive and happy! There is literally a psychological and spiritual lift that I experience during and after a great workout.

Additionally, there are physiological responses and reactions within the body that cause the production and release of the following happiness and pleasure inducing (all natural!) chemicals:

• Endorphins are released by your pituitary gland and create feelings of happiness, euphoria, exhilaration and block any feelings of pain. Endorphins allow you to power through challenging workouts on a "natural high," and is the reason some people become addicted to strenuous, challenging forms of exercise. I often describe this feeling as #yogastoned or #yogablissedout.

• Serotonin is a chemical that creates feelings of happiness; pleasurable, restful sleep and a healthy appetite. Serotonin levels increase the more you work out consistently, which subsequently provides you with more energy and clearer thinking. My increased production of serotonin has actually helped me with my insomnia and ADHD and my ability to manage my symptoms without medication! And once serotonin and endorphins get together, your workout becomes that much more pleasurable -   creating better workout habits! 

• Dopamine is my personal favorite!! It is a pleasure chemical occurring naturally within your body. Working out regularly and consistently helps stimulate the production of dopamine which not only helps regulate weight gain and food level satisfaction, but it is also associated with orgasms. That's right. And we all know that a heavy workout, say spin class, quad squats or tons of core work in pilates or yoga, make orgasms more intense - we do all know that right? I think it is because of the increased blood circulation in those large muscle groups located in the lower body. Some folks even experience an amazing phenomenon called 'coregasm' during intense spin classes or in yoga class in poses such as paschimottanasana (seated forward fold.) Just saying.

Music - Listening to upbeat, happy music is ALWAYS such a mood lifter! Not only does it put you in a better mood, but there is also evidence that the emotional response one has to music increases our favorite chemical - dopamine!! See above. ;)

And finally ...

Love and Forgive - Yourself and others. We all know that life is fleeting and precious and unpredictable. Just seeing the horrible shooting that took place in Colorado yesterday at a public movie theater is sufficient evidence why we should all choose happiness, forgiveness and love, love, love. 

If you are depressed, you are living in the past;

If you are anxious, you are living in the future;

If you are happy, you are living in the present.

Newport and Me

Like any dysfunctional, unhealthy coupling, there is always that strong magnetic pull that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, for some reason, KNOWING it is not right for us makes it that much more irresistible, pleasurable and delicious! In the back of your mind, you're always thinking, "Ok, this is the last time! I deserve it one more time before I completely walk away." "How could something that feels so good and natural be so wrong?" "I am in control of my life - I know what's best for me!" "I can walk away whenever I want to!" You get the idea...

And I really hate to categorize my relationships; as a yogini, I believe that these things should unfold naturally and organically! Who needs labels! But, if you insist, I guess we could refer to it as an addiction.

Isn't admitting it like the first of the 12 steps? Ok, here goes, "My name is Nadja and I am a smokaholic." There. I said it! So, clearly my Path to Purification has a huge roadblock dead smack in the center of the road. And this one has been an immense challenge for me! Like every smoker, I have "successfully" quit on several occasions, always cold turkey. But key to that process is making the mental decision and commitment...and for some reason, my mind has been resisting making that concession.

As my meditation practice deepens and my knowledge base has increased tremendously over the past three months via all of the books, articles, research and documentaries I am ingesting as part of my 200 hour yoga teacher training program, one would think that this mental process would be a "no-brainer." (pun intended).

Through studying the Buddha's teachings and his insight into attaining enlightenment, I have learned that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment is caused by the mind's reaction to any stimuli - either aversion or pleasure. Once that reaction is made and processed, we ideally should observe the feeling and then let it go ... focusing instead on the present moment through training the mind to focus on the breath.

Based on my past (temporary) successes in quitting smoking and armed with my new knowledge, one would think this would be a much easier exercise for me. After deeper introspection, I have observed that while I have made some very superficial, cosmetic changes in my lifestyle, my Path to Purification and Enlightenment has barely begun. Yes, I have been able to let go of certain attachments; walk away from situations and people that are no longer contributing to my happiness, growth and freedom; deepen my meditation practice; begin another new journey relating to my career; remove red meat from my diet to see if it resonates with my body and lifestyle; wean myself off of prescription sleeping pills; build more awareness surrounding how my actions affect those around me that I love and care for; and attempt to be more thoughtful and purposeful in my speech; however; saying I am a work in progress is truly an understatement.

Ok, the first 6 paragraphs were written a few days ago So, after writing the above entry, I quit smoking cold turkey! The key to quitting was not making a huge deal about it and over thinking it! I went on a date Saturday night, ran out of cigarettes and have not smoked since!!

Not even a ton of thought into it; I just keep telling myself each day that it's just for today. I can revisit this tomorrow. That's it. That simple. And I already have 3 full days under my belt!!

There's a Thin Line Between Letting Your Inner Light Shine and CRAZY

As I wandered aimlessly and blissfully among the streets of NYC, I smugly smiled to myself at how authentic I am and how I am slowly liberating myself from all of society's shackles. Prowling the streets, feeling the pure energy of the City that Never Sleeps, I looked with perhaps something close to a bit of pity at all of the people working 9-5 jobs, rushing about, stressed out and "working for the Man."

I savored the moment, inhaling and exhaling as I looked around appreciating the wonder of the Big Apple, thinking that all of those folks bustling about take so much of it for granted in their pursuit of success.  I sent up a silent prayer of gratitude and thanks to God for allowing me the wisdom and strength to pursue my passion and follow my heart. I felt free, liberated, enlightened!

As I continued walking, I heard someone singing gospel music. She didn't have a particularly special or talented voice, but I heard her before I could see her. I searched the sidewalks until I finally saw the woman singing to her heart's content. She was easily in her late 50s or early 60s, clearly homeless, sitting on a pile of stuff that was all of her worldly possessions, and she was belting out a song with her eyes closed and with pure emotion.

WOW! Here was a woman, living in the moment, expressing herself through her voice, who had obviously walked away from property ownership and all of society's other "shackles," including personal grooming and a sense of style. She seemed happy, content and at peace ... so why did that image shake me to my core? Shouldn't I be admiring this woman for her courage, strength, authenticity? She was the epitome of freedom, liberation and enlightenment!

But the truth is, I began to doubt my new path. Should I really be liquidating my lululemon and Whole Foods stocks to bankroll myself while I pursue a noble but undefined path toward non-attachment and equanimity? It seemed like such poetic justice at the time, but, there really are no guarantees here! What if I ended up homeless, alone, disowned by Julian, lugging all of my entire wealth around the streets while I practiced yoga whenever, wherever and however I felt like it? Am I willing to take this journey if that's where it is leading me?

Well, the answer is NO, I do not want to be an old, lonely, homeless woman with no money! But I realized that if that is truly my path, I will end up there anyway, whether I work on Wall Street with $10 million in my trading account or whether I am a struggling yoga instructor in her middle years! It also dawned on me that I am still very far from a place of non-attachment -- I still have far too many pairs of shoes, dresses, clothing items, yoga mats that I no longer use (or have never used!) but have not let go of. I still hunger for beautiful material possessions. I still judge people on society's standards of success rather than personal fulfillment. I still struggle with drinking, smoking, overindulging on chocolate. I still spend too much time in the past and not enough time meditating.

I am a continual work in progress, as we all are. Perhaps the lesson here is to appreciate the position and opportunity that I have been blessed with and continually visualize my global, universal intent, but always remember that a dream realized takes a lot of hard work, focus, determination, sacrifices, tears, pain, faith and belief in myself and GOD.

So whatever side of that thin line I am on is up to interpretation. But I know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be.

NOTE: I didn't capture an image of the gospel lady, however, I was greeted by statue of liberty man as I disembarked from a NJ to NYC ferry which captures my same thought process. He rode past me on his bike as I was walking to a yoga class, and I realized that he went down to the pier just to pose for ferry passengers. Crazy or free? You decide!

Saigon and Me

Dear Saigon,

Wow - the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of impressions, experiences and feelings, and our time together ended way too quickly!

You are exotic, chaotic, merging and emerging, rich in history and national pride, struggling yet soaring: Same same and different. And beneath your city streets flows an undercurrent of pure energy.

I felt your heat, heavy and humid - relieved by daily bursts of summer showers. You are a perfect balance of prana, your yin and yang in equilibrium, the stark contrasts that define you balancing exquisitely - This Is Vietnam!!!

Until we meet again, please know that you have touched my heart and I am all the better for it! Healing, growth and connection. Saigon is now part of me...

Farewell not goodbye!
A Yogi

Reality

And when all the music stopped and the people were gone, the quiet stillness reminded me that I am alone. Loneliness is a deep aching in your heart, especially once you've known the heights of love and have built and shared your life with another.

As tears spill down my face, I realize that I am exactly where I should be. Being with someone so as not to not be alone is not the life of truth, authenticity and fulfillment that I seek. I have made tough decisions, the right decisions, that have brought me to this moment.

This is my time to rediscover myself: who I  really am in the depth of my soul; what is my purpose here on earth; how can I serve humanity by sharing my unique gifts; what makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted; what type of person will I love and respect enough to spend time with, which is ultimately all of life's currency.

And in the silence, I realize that I am not lonely at all! Totally detached from performing, entertaining, trying, grasping, reaching, clutching, wanting, needing, fearing, doubting, worrying ... I AM.