Ebb and Flow

She heard a window close in the distance and felt a fleeting tinge of sadness ... But was once again overcome with happiness as she saw the open, waiting door ... Life is an adventure, she smiled to herself, as she took a running start and leapt, eyes wide open, heart unbound.

Vipassana Bubble One-Month Gut Check

It's been exactly one month since I returned from my Vipassana 10 day silent retreat, so I think it's appropriate to do a gut-check here and assess my current situation...and I am starting with the premise that wherever I am on my journey, it is absolutely ok.

So, I'll kick it off by openly confessing that the beautiful, calm, peaceful bubble is gone. Popped. Bursted. Evaporated. It is NO MORE!!

I just re-watched my v-log post describing how amazing I felt a week after my re-entry into my life, and  I am thunderstruck by how far away I have slipped from equanimity in just a few short, jam-packed, stressful, pressure-filled weeks!

Of course, I take full responsibility for the choices that I have made and the chaos that I have allowed into my precious bubble.

My bubble bursting reminds me of the Stephen King movie Pet Cemetery. In the movie, when a pet dies, you bury him or her in the Pet Cemetery and the next morning, it returns home. The only caveat is that it is not quite the same animal that returns from the Pet Cemetery - there is something distinctly evil and off. 

Which is exactly how I have been feeling being outside the bubble - my old habits of reacting to stressful, overwhelming situations seems a bit more intense and ... well, not sane!! So, as I am taking a step back to observe and process where I now am, I am reminding myself to focus more on my breath and OBSERVE the physical SENSATIONS I experience in those moments. Just breathing and observing without reacting.

For me, it's all about seeking balance ...  cultivating the ability to calmly and purposefully engage in various activities and tasks with a balanced approach rather than intense and extreme focus and energy. 

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I fully intend to begin again!! I want my bubble back!! Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy!! Be happy! Be happy!!

My 10 Day Vipassana Silent Meditation Experience

On My Mat

My beloved Jade mat - I have 3 Mandukas and a few other randoms, but this is the only mat that I  truly love! So much beautiful, healing, validating energy on this one!! So much for non-attachment! tee hee hee 

Each time I unroll my mat, the familiarity of that simple action resonates to the core of my heart! How many thousands of times have I performed that simple action in my life? And in how many dozens of studios throughout the world - from Miami and NYC to LA and Santa Monica. On a rooftop in New Delhi at dawn. In a studio in Rome taught entirely in Italian! And so many other corners of our beautiful Earth.

Yet that initial action, and all that follow it, exists in a sacred space, an entire universe, on my beloved mat. When the madness of the world has invaded my lovely precious bubble, and I have allowed others' negativity and self-loathing and misery to permeate my equanimity, I can ALWAYS roll out my mat and let it all go. 

Just like that. At least for an hour, I can truly live in the moment, my breath bridging my mind, body and soul with something much bigger and more significant than external distractions, attachments and aversions. Linking my breath with my body's movements, I experience the physical sensations of pure, utter bliss within my physical body. Yet my mental focus allows a transcendence of the physical into a true oneness with all things, everything and nothing.

My mat has supported me through heartbreak, total sublime happiness, guilt, anger, bliss, excitement, fear and self-doubt. The one thing that is consistent is the impermanence of each emotion...whether the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, nothing endures! 

That simple reminder of the nature of life - it goes on! - grounds me firmly back in 'yathabhuta' reality 'as it is' not how I wish it to be! And the ultimate universal truth: All I need for true happiness can be found ONLY WITHIN and ONLY BY ME.

And as I roll my lovely mat back up, my bubble is once again safely back in tact and filled with love, peace and compassion for myself and all others.

Bhavatu Sarva Mangalam - May all beings be happy!

Redemption and Love

You can't ever go back and erase the pain that you caused. Or pay more attention to the little things that you took for granted. Or appreciate someone opening their heart to you and understanding the significance of it.

You can't go back and be more compassionate; more caring; more interested; more forgiving; more supportive; more loving. Or reverse the words that wounded; destroyed; cut to the core of someone's heart. 

You also can't continue to punish yourself for your mistakes - they are done and gone.  Karma is real, and the universe administers justice immediately. We are what we have done, and we will be what we are doing now. We are the sole masters of our fate and must accept the consequences that our actions reap.

If it's forgiveness that you seek for yourself - you must immediately stop your negative intentions and harmful actions. The only true path to redemption is to stop causing pain and cease contributing to the misery in the world. And the realization that:

You CAN commit to being more compassionate; more focused on others' feelings; more grateful for every kindness; more content with giving more and expecting much less.

You CAN choose to give and spread LOVE in its purest form. Sending only positive thoughts and energy to all living things. Vowing that all of your thoughts, deeds and actions will contribute to the happiness, liberation and freedom of others.

And for true redemption and forgiveness to occur, the universe will draw a person into your life who is seeking their own redemption. That person will assume the role that you once played; that person will cause you pain; that person will take for granted all of your gestures of love and vulnerability; that person will not understand the depth of your love.

That person will be incapable of showing you compassion, caring, support, affection, love. That person will dismiss your love that you give so freely and openly. That person will hurt you again and again and again. And you will love that person still.

You must continue to love that person for the pure sake of your heart without any expectations. You will choose to offer your love, and the expression of that love IS the purpose. In this way, you heal one another. Your guilt is purged and their pain is healed. Annica! Annica! Annica!

Look within - thou art the Buddha.

Today, as each day, I continue my journey within by embarking on a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. This experience allows a complete withdrawal from all worldly comforts and distractions. I have never felt so sure of moving forward on my path than I do about this opportunity before me.

The reactions that I have received from my family and friends have really made all of us laugh! For those who know me well, it is extremely laughable that I would stop talking for 10 minutes, let alone 240 hours! I also have a love of music, blogging, social media and journaling; all of which will not be part of this retreat. Even my own son has teased me about seeing me back home by the weekend!

Underneath the good natured betting pools and incredulous responses, I am overwhelmed by the tremendous love, support and encouragement I have been blessed with! Truly the only thing that warranted serious consideration before I accepted this honor was whether Julian believed in me and what I am trying to achieve. And Julian having the love and support of my parents, my ex-husband and my ex-fiance all working together gives me the freedom to go with zero regret.

Over the past few weeks, I have been mulling over exactly why this opportunity is before me. I have spent the majority of my life with a subtle, unnamed restlessness and a constant searching for ... something to ground me and complete me. I have looked to so many people, places, things to provide the answer. I have taken so many steps down so many wrong paths with the realization that what has directed my past actions was NEVER my own intuition. 

Obviously, all of those detours provided invaluable lessons, so they were not the wrong paths. As I continue my transformation - not into a new person, but rather a re-connection to my authentic self - I realize that I must peel away all of these remaining layers of impressions, judgements, pleasures, aversions and be still and silent.

I have had the extreme fortune in my meditations and yoga practices to experience fleeting moments of satcitananda - pure, sublime BLISS. These moments are extremely rare, and I am not sure if my description can actually do it justice ... Any yoga or meditation session focuses primarily on the breath as a focal point and a means to regulate and control prana and the chatterings of the mind. There comes a moment where the breath and thoughts slowly fade and what remains is a purely physical joyful sensation. When even that sensation has dissipated, what remains is BLISS - pure BEING. You feel ONE with EVERYTHING and NOTHING. This is your true nature, your true and natural state of consciousness!

And do you know what it is? Pure love, compassion and understanding of all beings. I believe that we are all brought into this physical world in that state - and the experience of physical life and our mind's reactions to things, whether enjoyment or aversion, remove us from that perfect state of non-attachment, equanimity and bliss.

I have only experienced this state of being a few times and never for a significant time period. Buddhists and Hindus believe that if one can maintain the relaxed, unstriving, completely at ease state for 48 minutes - that person has reached enlightenment. Not just for this lifetime but for all of our lifetimes That state is the true and highest form of our selves. To truly know one self is to know everyone. And through this knowledge and insight, we can conquer our doubts, fears, joys, pains, aversions and pleasures - ultimately conquering all things.

Vipassana mediation is the method that the Buddha himself used to attain his enlightenment. I have no expectations or particular thoughts on outcomes. I will just be there and be present.

See you in 10 days, and I am sure you will enjoy my silence as much as I will!!

NAMASTE

JAI HIND! JAI HIND! JAI HIND!

Happy Independence Day, Mother India!! Birthplace of Yoga, Chess, the Kama Sutra, modern mathematics: algebra, trigonometry, and calculus! Modern numerals including the number zero. The Pythagorean Theorem or Pi was first calculated by Indian Budhyana in the 6th Century! India is home to the first university, medical school and surgery.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I've been called many things in my life, both good and bad, but one thing I have never been accused of is being quiet, shy, silent, restrained, subdued, a woman of few words, mysterious ... Well you see where I am heading!

So it was pretty comical when I announced to my friends several months ago that I had submitted an application to be considered for a 10 day silent retreat. By silent, I mean: no talking, writing, reading, blogging, social media, music...no yoga(!), tobacco, intoxicants, physical contact, meat, meals after noon...AND up at 4 am and lights out at 9:30 p.m. each day.

There was a time not too long ago that I would have been baffled that one would choose to subject herself to such austere and ascetic conditions! However, my personal quest for detachment and equanimity mandates that I take some extreme measures to truly have the opportunity for self-knowledge without distractions.

During my recent trip to Saigon, while I was not totally detached from the world, I did put significant physical distance between myself and my daily habits and routine attachments. I found a peace within myself that I had never before experienced. In fact, upon returning from my travels, many people commented on my calm, serene presence. Maintaining my daily yoga and meditation practice has helped me to prolong such feelings, however, the magic has already begun to dissipate.

So I continue to avoid and cut out any negative energy and stress-inducing situations in my life. Of course, I realize that true peace and equanimity should be maintained in spite of negative energy and less than ideal circumstances - unfortunately, I cannot just drop everything and leave the country for a month each time someone starts working my nerves!

I am, however, at a crossroad in my journey. Two amazing blessings have been bestowed on me today! First, I auditioned for and received a regular weekly yoga class at a large, prestigious health club in the area (more on that later) AND I just learned today that I have been accepted for the next Vipassana retreat in Northern Illinois! So, here's the dilemma:

The course is from September 5-16, which is a direct conflict to: the beginning of Julian's middle school experience!; my brand new yoga class - I will miss two of the first classes!; my commitment to working on a political fundraising campaign; and, my birthday celebration (several people have held the weekend of the 14 and 15 at my insistence for the past few weeks)!!

The next several sessions offered already have waiting lists for attendance so it may be quite some time until I have this opportunity again. I feel that it is almost a test of my will: do I truly seek non-attachment and letting go in order to attain liberation: increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace?! Or do I continue to cling to the very things that ground me in the physical world? It seems almost ironic - here is the opportunity that I have been trying to attract into my life and it comes when other seeds that I have planted also begin to bear fruit ... any thoughts out there?

To be continued...

Non-Attachment - I Am Closing In On You

I have been pursuing the state of non-attachment for several years now. As a confirmed and documented materialist, sensualist, hedonist,  epicurean, legendary shopoholic and party girl, you can imagine what an uphill battle it has been!

Ultimately, I know that the worldly, material pleasures are fleeting and superficial, and the challenge is in internalizing that universal truth OFF of my yoga mat, in the real, physical world. Unfortunately, you cannot take a pill or have surgery and wake up one day and be like, "I have finally detached! I am enlightened!"

It is an arduous, daily process: true change requires growth; a breaking of established, comforting patterns; the  stretching of reassuring boundaries; movement outside of your comfort zone; a leap of faith into the abyss.

While I cannot say I am there yet, I can say that I have hit a milestone on my journey toward non-attachment! I am currently in the process of moving, and I have been enjoying the opportunity to practice non-attachment with all of my material possessions - and I have invested quite a bit of money in all of my "stuff" over the years, I must admit.

A series of three a-ha moments has been a tremendous foundation for all of the shedding I have been doing as I pack. The first one came to me during a yoga class earlier this week, and the thought was that there are basically two types of people - I realize this is a gross oversimplification, but this is related to my personal journey and I am not professing this to be a universal truth!

The first type is the airy, wind-like type of person that blows along in the breeze, flying high, twirling in the air with no set path or direction. The second type is the earthy tree type of person that is grounded, strong, deep and wants nothing more than to grow deep roots and bloom in one specific setting.

As the airy type, I observed established patterns in my life where I attract tree-type people and circumstances to my life and surround myself with material possessions in an effort to ground myself. This was such a profound moment for me, because I uncovered the very reason that  I have been in such a long string of long-term relationships that never quite endure. It is because I must seek balance within myself and not from another person. And the more I think about it, that creates quite a bit of pressure and stress on the tree person! I believe that my (former!) compulsion to consume food, drinks, people, clothing, cars, etc. was also some attempt to ground and balance my airy, vata nature!

My second moment of truth happened during my morning meditation today. Over the past few year, I have made some progress with my ego-driven need to control anything in my immediate environment: people, traffic, events, car radios, a waitress' attitude and deference to me, etc. by realizing that it is my ego under the delusion that I can control ANYthing other than myself, my mind and my reactions to circumstances. Today's meditation took that thought a step further as I noted how much BEAUTY and BLISS there is in our lives, and that we don't OWN or POSSESS any of it! Each one of us is on our own unique, individual path surrounded by our own beauty and experiences. We can't own or control people; we can't or shouldn't bend them to our will; to truly love and appreciate someone, we cannot try to possess or control them -- we should only love and support them on their journey for as long as our paths intertwine. That thought made me realize that I must let go of: everyone, physical desires, attachment to money, worries, fears, and most importantly, material possessions that do not serve a specific purpose in my life. My inner voice was telling me to LET GO and TRUST the UNIVERSE! I don't need things or people to ground me, the earth is here to support me so that I can spread my wings and fly!

And this lesson was hit home in my afternoon yoga practice today. We were holding forearm plank for what seemed like an eternity!! I can always tell when an instructor has me at my edge, because my first reaction whenever I am faced with a challenge is anger. And boy was I getting pissed off the longer that bitch had us holding the pose! When faced with any challenging moments, I have trained myself to focus on my breath to return to a more calm state of mind. During these moments of deep ujayi breathing, I had the most profound insight! It was the fact that being in this moment, digging down deep and searching for inner strength, the only thing I truly had was my breath and my mind! Nothing in my closet back home or a bottom line in my trading account was even relevant at that moment.

I am not my car, clothes, Choos; I am not my net worth; I am not WHO I know; I am not even my yoga practice! All I am and all I need to be is my heart, mind and breath. In that way, I am everything and nothing; I am everyone and no one; I am eternity and non-existence. I AM.

#108

Three of my favorite Indian deities: Lord Shiva, Hanuman and Ganesha.

How to be HAPPY .... RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!!

In my lifelong pursuit of happiness, I have spent copious amounts of time observing others and wistfully admiring how "happy" they appeared! It seemed that I would never arrive at such a wonderful, relaxed, well ... happy place in my life!

Suffice it to say that I have pursued happiness through every and any potential path (and vice) known to mankind!! While I was able to temporarily attain a sense of happiness and fulfillment, it never endured and was always dependent on some outside force, whether it was physical, emotional, material or tied to approval, accomplishment or my ego.

As I began to practice yoga, and much later meditation, I came across so many sayings and quotes about being happy, being present, choosing happiness; I understood these concepts on a logical, intellectual level, but had not yet the capacity to truly experience it.

Quite unexpectedly in Diana Christina's yoga class back in 2009, I experienced a fleeting moment of true, pure, utter bliss while in Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (King Pigeon, modeled below). The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming that my heart burst and overflowed with happiness and joy, and tears literally and freely flowed down my face!

It was my 'aha' moment - I finally got it!! As fleeting as it was, I now KNEW what I was seeking and could work to continually recapture and expand that brief moment. Since that day, I have purposefully and intentionally devoted thousands of hours of yoga and meditation both on and off of my beloved mat to recapture and cultivate that feeling of bliss.

Here is my tried and true formula to BEING HAPPY RIGHT FRICKEN NOW!!


Breathe - Take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your throat, chest and diaphragm with fresh prana-rich oxygen and slowly exhale through your mouth, releasing any tension, stress and negative energy that is not serving you. Nothing focuses you on the present, the here and now, than being observant and aware of your breath. You literally cannot focus on what is upsetting you when you turn your full attention to the beauty and wonder of your breath.

Whenever you are upset, agitated or just need to calm down and collect your thoughts, you are always told to "Take a deep breath." If you really stop to think about it, the seemingly simple act of breathing is such a complex miracle! When we inhale, we are bringing fresh, life-sustaining oxygen into our body and it is distributed to each one of our cells via our bloodstream. The air that we exhale carries with it harmful waste and toxins which been removed from all parts of the body.

Pray and/or Meditate - Take a moment to detach from the hustle and bustle. Find a quiet space to calm your mind and connect with your higher power. Acknowledge that HE or SHE or IT is actually calling all of the shots, and that worrying is an exercise in futility. So often we cannot control our circumstances, but we most certainly can control our reactions and how we let situations and people affect our inner peace.

Identify three blessings in your life that you are grateful for, and express that appreciation. Finding peace and happiness by focusing your mind on the POSITIVE is nothing more than a shift in your perspective and the creation of a new habit.

Connect with Humanity - Volunteer your services at church, a local pet shelter, yoga studio, scouting group, soup kitchen. You get the picture. Reach outside of yourself and focus on helping others. Not only does the activity and interaction force your mind away from negative thoughts, it also creates the most amazing feeling of all -- the simple and profound feeling of gratification. Knowing that you are creating an impact in another life through service is easily one of the most natural highs available to us as human beings. It's indescribable.

Or call a friend, a relative, or even spend some time online checking your social media pages. The simple act of reaching out to others and making a connection helps you realize that you are not alone and your friends are there for you when you need them.

Smile at strangers. I have always found that making a spontaneous connection with a passing stranger, whether it's a quick smile, good morning or God Bless You, is such a quick mood lifter! That spark that you create is guileless and pure, and I guarantee it's something that both of you will carry within throughout the day and keep spreading on.

Exercise - I have never once regretted the times that I have pushed myself to workout when I am feeling my lowest or laziest. Never. Ever. I may not get the deepest, best performance, but I always walk away more positive and happy! There is literally a psychological and spiritual lift that I experience during and after a great workout.

Additionally, there are physiological responses and reactions within the body that cause the production and release of the following happiness and pleasure inducing (all natural!) chemicals:

• Endorphins are released by your pituitary gland and create feelings of happiness, euphoria, exhilaration and block any feelings of pain. Endorphins allow you to power through challenging workouts on a "natural high," and is the reason some people become addicted to strenuous, challenging forms of exercise. I often describe this feeling as #yogastoned or #yogablissedout.

• Serotonin is a chemical that creates feelings of happiness; pleasurable, restful sleep and a healthy appetite. Serotonin levels increase the more you work out consistently, which subsequently provides you with more energy and clearer thinking. My increased production of serotonin has actually helped me with my insomnia and ADHD and my ability to manage my symptoms without medication! And once serotonin and endorphins get together, your workout becomes that much more pleasurable -   creating better workout habits! 

• Dopamine is my personal favorite!! It is a pleasure chemical occurring naturally within your body. Working out regularly and consistently helps stimulate the production of dopamine which not only helps regulate weight gain and food level satisfaction, but it is also associated with orgasms. That's right. And we all know that a heavy workout, say spin class, quad squats or tons of core work in pilates or yoga, make orgasms more intense - we do all know that right? I think it is because of the increased blood circulation in those large muscle groups located in the lower body. Some folks even experience an amazing phenomenon called 'coregasm' during intense spin classes or in yoga class in poses such as paschimottanasana (seated forward fold.) Just saying.

Music - Listening to upbeat, happy music is ALWAYS such a mood lifter! Not only does it put you in a better mood, but there is also evidence that the emotional response one has to music increases our favorite chemical - dopamine!! See above. ;)

And finally ...

Love and Forgive - Yourself and others. We all know that life is fleeting and precious and unpredictable. Just seeing the horrible shooting that took place in Colorado yesterday at a public movie theater is sufficient evidence why we should all choose happiness, forgiveness and love, love, love. 

If you are depressed, you are living in the past;

If you are anxious, you are living in the future;

If you are happy, you are living in the present.

Newport and Me

Like any dysfunctional, unhealthy coupling, there is always that strong magnetic pull that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, for some reason, KNOWING it is not right for us makes it that much more irresistible, pleasurable and delicious! In the back of your mind, you're always thinking, "Ok, this is the last time! I deserve it one more time before I completely walk away." "How could something that feels so good and natural be so wrong?" "I am in control of my life - I know what's best for me!" "I can walk away whenever I want to!" You get the idea...

And I really hate to categorize my relationships; as a yogini, I believe that these things should unfold naturally and organically! Who needs labels! But, if you insist, I guess we could refer to it as an addiction.

Isn't admitting it like the first of the 12 steps? Ok, here goes, "My name is Nadja and I am a smokaholic." There. I said it! So, clearly my Path to Purification has a huge roadblock dead smack in the center of the road. And this one has been an immense challenge for me! Like every smoker, I have "successfully" quit on several occasions, always cold turkey. But key to that process is making the mental decision and commitment...and for some reason, my mind has been resisting making that concession.

As my meditation practice deepens and my knowledge base has increased tremendously over the past three months via all of the books, articles, research and documentaries I am ingesting as part of my 200 hour yoga teacher training program, one would think that this mental process would be a "no-brainer." (pun intended).

Through studying the Buddha's teachings and his insight into attaining enlightenment, I have learned that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment is caused by the mind's reaction to any stimuli - either aversion or pleasure. Once that reaction is made and processed, we ideally should observe the feeling and then let it go ... focusing instead on the present moment through training the mind to focus on the breath.

Based on my past (temporary) successes in quitting smoking and armed with my new knowledge, one would think this would be a much easier exercise for me. After deeper introspection, I have observed that while I have made some very superficial, cosmetic changes in my lifestyle, my Path to Purification and Enlightenment has barely begun. Yes, I have been able to let go of certain attachments; walk away from situations and people that are no longer contributing to my happiness, growth and freedom; deepen my meditation practice; begin another new journey relating to my career; remove red meat from my diet to see if it resonates with my body and lifestyle; wean myself off of prescription sleeping pills; build more awareness surrounding how my actions affect those around me that I love and care for; and attempt to be more thoughtful and purposeful in my speech; however; saying I am a work in progress is truly an understatement.

Ok, the first 6 paragraphs were written a few days ago So, after writing the above entry, I quit smoking cold turkey! The key to quitting was not making a huge deal about it and over thinking it! I went on a date Saturday night, ran out of cigarettes and have not smoked since!!

Not even a ton of thought into it; I just keep telling myself each day that it's just for today. I can revisit this tomorrow. That's it. That simple. And I already have 3 full days under my belt!!

There's a Thin Line Between Letting Your Inner Light Shine and CRAZY

As I wandered aimlessly and blissfully among the streets of NYC, I smugly smiled to myself at how authentic I am and how I am slowly liberating myself from all of society's shackles. Prowling the streets, feeling the pure energy of the City that Never Sleeps, I looked with perhaps something close to a bit of pity at all of the people working 9-5 jobs, rushing about, stressed out and "working for the Man."

I savored the moment, inhaling and exhaling as I looked around appreciating the wonder of the Big Apple, thinking that all of those folks bustling about take so much of it for granted in their pursuit of success.  I sent up a silent prayer of gratitude and thanks to God for allowing me the wisdom and strength to pursue my passion and follow my heart. I felt free, liberated, enlightened!

As I continued walking, I heard someone singing gospel music. She didn't have a particularly special or talented voice, but I heard her before I could see her. I searched the sidewalks until I finally saw the woman singing to her heart's content. She was easily in her late 50s or early 60s, clearly homeless, sitting on a pile of stuff that was all of her worldly possessions, and she was belting out a song with her eyes closed and with pure emotion.

WOW! Here was a woman, living in the moment, expressing herself through her voice, who had obviously walked away from property ownership and all of society's other "shackles," including personal grooming and a sense of style. She seemed happy, content and at peace ... so why did that image shake me to my core? Shouldn't I be admiring this woman for her courage, strength, authenticity? She was the epitome of freedom, liberation and enlightenment!

But the truth is, I began to doubt my new path. Should I really be liquidating my lululemon and Whole Foods stocks to bankroll myself while I pursue a noble but undefined path toward non-attachment and equanimity? It seemed like such poetic justice at the time, but, there really are no guarantees here! What if I ended up homeless, alone, disowned by Julian, lugging all of my entire wealth around the streets while I practiced yoga whenever, wherever and however I felt like it? Am I willing to take this journey if that's where it is leading me?

Well, the answer is NO, I do not want to be an old, lonely, homeless woman with no money! But I realized that if that is truly my path, I will end up there anyway, whether I work on Wall Street with $10 million in my trading account or whether I am a struggling yoga instructor in her middle years! It also dawned on me that I am still very far from a place of non-attachment -- I still have far too many pairs of shoes, dresses, clothing items, yoga mats that I no longer use (or have never used!) but have not let go of. I still hunger for beautiful material possessions. I still judge people on society's standards of success rather than personal fulfillment. I still struggle with drinking, smoking, overindulging on chocolate. I still spend too much time in the past and not enough time meditating.

I am a continual work in progress, as we all are. Perhaps the lesson here is to appreciate the position and opportunity that I have been blessed with and continually visualize my global, universal intent, but always remember that a dream realized takes a lot of hard work, focus, determination, sacrifices, tears, pain, faith and belief in myself and GOD.

So whatever side of that thin line I am on is up to interpretation. But I know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be.

NOTE: I didn't capture an image of the gospel lady, however, I was greeted by statue of liberty man as I disembarked from a NJ to NYC ferry which captures my same thought process. He rode past me on his bike as I was walking to a yoga class, and I realized that he went down to the pier just to pose for ferry passengers. Crazy or free? You decide!

Saigon and Me

Dear Saigon,

Wow - the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of impressions, experiences and feelings, and our time together ended way too quickly!

You are exotic, chaotic, merging and emerging, rich in history and national pride, struggling yet soaring: Same same and different. And beneath your city streets flows an undercurrent of pure energy.

I felt your heat, heavy and humid - relieved by daily bursts of summer showers. You are a perfect balance of prana, your yin and yang in equilibrium, the stark contrasts that define you balancing exquisitely - This Is Vietnam!!!

Until we meet again, please know that you have touched my heart and I am all the better for it! Healing, growth and connection. Saigon is now part of me...

Farewell not goodbye!
A Yogi

Reality

And when all the music stopped and the people were gone, the quiet stillness reminded me that I am alone. Loneliness is a deep aching in your heart, especially once you've known the heights of love and have built and shared your life with another.

As tears spill down my face, I realize that I am exactly where I should be. Being with someone so as not to not be alone is not the life of truth, authenticity and fulfillment that I seek. I have made tough decisions, the right decisions, that have brought me to this moment.

This is my time to rediscover myself: who I  really am in the depth of my soul; what is my purpose here on earth; how can I serve humanity by sharing my unique gifts; what makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted; what type of person will I love and respect enough to spend time with, which is ultimately all of life's currency.

And in the silence, I realize that I am not lonely at all! Totally detached from performing, entertaining, trying, grasping, reaching, clutching, wanting, needing, fearing, doubting, worrying ... I AM.

Why Mind Matters Most

Essay assignment from 200 hour LifePower Yoga teacher training

If you don't control your mind, then your mind will control you

Whatever we think, feel, crave, enjoy and do, it is our mind that processes the impulse or action and assigns a reaction and impression to it. So, if one can control one's mind, one can essentially control one's destiny!

Through meditation and yoga, I have become increasingly self-aware; of my actions, patterns, cravings, thoughts, impulses, doubts and my ego. Initially, just stilling the crazy monkey chatter and learning to focus on my breath and be present was my greatest challenge! It literally took years for me to be able to be still and focus for even a few minutes before and after a yoga class! Oftentimes I would arrive late and leave during sivasana - that's how ignorant and blind I was to the true purpose of yoga.

Through increased self-awareness, I began to be more cognizant of how impulsive and reactive I was, and most importantly, how these actions affected those around me and those I care about. It also brought to light my negative thought patterns, self-destructive behaviors and the role my ego plays in virtually every aspect of my life.

The mind is such a complex system; if one does not know one's true nature and true mind, you can end up fooling even yourself! The idea that the mind matters most is that we CAN learn to focus our thoughts in a positive fashion and thus control the quality of our lives, regardless of physical circumstances. Throughout history, humanity has suffered unbelievable atrocities and inhumane hardships - circumstances outside of one's control. While our ego likes to pretend that we can control our environment and circumstances, it has been proven wrong time and again. The one thing that we can control is our attitude and perspective, and that truly makes all the difference.

Buddha Says...

"To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others"

If I only had 24 hours left to live

If I only had 24 hours left to live

I would savor every breath, enjoy each second, connect with everyone who crossed my path, spark a revolution, make people smile, eat whatever I wanted, not worry about how much I weighed, how I looked, who liked me and who didn't. I would make people sparkle, and smile, and laugh, and feel loved, and appreciated, and help them understand how beautiful and amazing and unique they are. I would tell everyone I met to forgive themselves and others that have hurt them. To be kind, loving and compassionate, especially to themselves. That they are not alone. That it's ok to be YOU!! I would give away every last penny I had to those in true need. I would tell each child I met that God has given him or her a special unique gift to share with the world. I would teach yoga and meditation and tell people it's a great path to true happiness and peace, but it's not the only one. I would encourage people to let go and let God! To stop worrying and obsessing and competing and clutching; to open up and let people in, even if may end up hurting you. I would tell every person in my life how much I love them and how their love and support has made all the difference in my life. I would hug my son Julian and never ever let him go!!! And I would not spend one precious second worrying about the past, the future or money!!!❤❤❤

Happy 11th Birthday, JugaMan!!

Happy 11th birthday, Julian Pierce Prem Lalvani-Dudley!! It seems like just yesterday when I was sitting in my glider in your nursery with my hands on my belly dreaming of when I would finally hold you in my arms!! The years have flown by, and I am so grateful for all of our wonderful memories together.

The best, most important, gratifying and significant part of my life has been being your mommy; marveling at your strength, your mind, your creativity, your sense of fun and adventure, your sense of humor, and most importantly, that enormous kind, caring, loving heart of yours!

So in honor of your birthday, I have created a Top 11 list of Reasons that you are an EPIC 11 year old!! Here we go...

11. You are damn good looking!! (runs in the family on your maternal side! Teehee)

10. You are a very talented athlete. Any sport that you have tried, you've been blessed with natural athletic ability. I am so happy that you have found a passion for karate. And proud that you realize talent alone will not get you very far. I see how dedicated and consistent you are with attending class, practicing at home and helping develop and lead those students with lower ranks than you.

9. You are not a follower - and you never have been! You have always danced to your own rhythm and I know you will continue to do so!

8. Building on #9 - You know yourself and you are yourself always! You are comfortable and happy in your own skin and enjoy being an individual.

7. You have an extremely strong moral compass. You know the difference between right and wrong and are unwavering in your judgement.

6. You are a natural leader. Because of your strength, convictions and self-confidence, people are naturally drawn to you!! And you always treat everyone with kindness, respect and compassion.

5. You are extremely self disciplined! What other 11 year old (or 40 year old for that matter) would be able to stare at their gift for almost a week and not give in to temptation - especially when everyone in your family pressured you each day to give in?!??!!

4. You have such a great sense of humor and such a sharp and quick wit! Not a single day goes by that you don't make me laugh out loud at least once! You are HILARIOUS!!

3. You are truly musically gifted - since you were a baby, you have possessed a great sense of rhythm and a large appreciation for music. I am so proud witnessing the growth and development of your piano skills!

2. You are such an old and enlightened soul! Your spiritual development and awareness and APPRECIATION of what TRULY matters in life far surpasses my journey already! I continually learn from you each day, my love! Just like in the car with Grandpa yesterday driving home from the airport, you told us, "That was in the past; we live in the present. So get over it, Mom." And you were absolutely correct!

1. You have the hands-down, absolutely biggest heart of anyone I have ever known in my lifetime thus far! Your generosity, kindness, compassion and concern for EVERYONE is so beautiful and astounding! Not only for your friends and family, but for every single living creature on this earth! You are so considerate of others' feelings that you oftentimes will make sacrifices so those around you are happy. And your first consideration in any situation is about how the other person is feeling.

So my love, unfortunately this list only goes to 11 here. But I hope that you know each and every day how much you are loved, admired and appreciated by your mommy and soooo many others in your life!!

Happy birthday, RockStar!! Now it's time to celebrate!!

❤❤❤

How I Learned to Slow My Flow

As someone with a tendency toward rajastic or Vata dosha (high, transforming energy), I have always been drawn to super hot, challenging vinyasa classes that are fast-paced and leave me drenched in sweat. I'd even add pushups while in backbend to kick it up a couple notches in the 105 degree heat!! Two friends of mine who are yoga teachers recently confided in me that they literally thought I was on cocaine when they first saw me in a heated vinny flow class!! At the time, that would have been the highest compliment! Now, I realize that having a frenetic uberhyper aura is not so much a compliment! Lol. (shout out Rich and Mike!)

I recall in 2009 when Karen Weber in her subtle, gracious way suggested that maybe I should consider a slower, deeper more grounding practice. I remember literally walking away from her because I was just not ready to slow it down. And I love her for her continued support and patience as my journey has led me exactly where she suggested, 3 years later!

But of course I needed those 3 years for transformation, growth, acceptance and introspection. And the truth is, the slower, deeper classes that keep one in basic asanas for an extended period of time were far more challenging for me than the fast flows and advanced poses!

As I seek an equanimous mind, I realize that balance, stillness and calmness are the very qualities that I have been avoiding! Identifying my attachment to chaos and constant movement allowed great insight into my actions. I was subconsciously yet purposefully creating distractions in order to avoid listening to my inner voice. Fear, resistance, uncertainty were all contributing factors to my aversion to being still and opening up to my inner wisdom.

Meditation and yoga have been the key factors in providing myself the sacred and safe space to look within. So far removed was I, that my mind conjured up a spiritual guide to usher me along my path! Babaji has been a constant voice/vision in my inner journey, and until recently, I have been reluctant to reveal his existence for fear of people thinking I am not sane!

Babaji has evolved from his original form and faded into the background, and his voice has transformed itself into my inner voice. He does still make random appearances, however, he's handed the reins over to me now.

In my quest for balance, non-attachment and equanimity, I have discovered how to attain a blissful, relaxed state of mind through a very slow, deep, mindful practice focusing on breathing and poses sustained for several deep breaths. The calming of the rajastic energy is channeled as strength both mentally and physically during the challenge of holding poses for a sustained period. And finding those moments of true balance within a challenging asana, a balance between yin and yang, strength and ease, grounding and flying, is the true purpose of yoga. Those moments are fleeting but so absolutely blissful.

And the beauty is, after a delicious, deep practice, the sense of lightness and buoyancy and bliss is a feeling I can carry off of my mat with me. That amazing feeling can only be described as a natural high; yogastoned; blissedout.

❤❤❤

Day 1 of No Smoking - Path to Purification

The morning went way better than expected! I thought I would be struggling, especially since smoking is such a part of my morning routine! Not the case: dropped Jules off, met one of the moms for Caribou, went grocery shopping, got my car washed and mini-detailed. The interior cleaning helped big time! Smells so yummy and fresh and is so clean!!

I briefly thought about smoking but realized I don't have the physical urge or withdrawal symptoms, at least at this point. Purely mental. Since I don't deal well with absolutes, I just told myself I won't smoke TODAY. I can revisit tomorrow.

Also I saw someone smoking and i thought to myself, "what a weak minded loser!" so hopefully that will help me as well.

And I keep thinking of how my body is literally beginning an extensive detoxification process. Hopefully I will look and feel years younger!!!

I am also tracking how much money I am saving to donate to the American Lung Association. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Jimmy Choo!!'

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

Dear Newport,

We both knew that this day would come...This is it!! I know we've been here before, but I mean it this time!! Man, i will miss your smell, taste, the way you feel against my lips and how you fill my body with your smokiness - you are pure hedonistic bliss!! I will make myself immune to your beauty and charm and appeal!!

Wow, we have had some great times - some of the best!! You have literally been there for me throughout the past almost three decades!! Through heartbreaks, victories, celebrations, transitions, new beginnings, farewells, and you've always made the day to day grind a bit more enjoyable.

Of course I will miss you!! Like I always do!! Especially in the beginning...You will never be far from my mind. But I must remain strong! You are exhilarating, you always get my heart racing and make me feel lightheaded! But you are not good for me - this is such an unhealthy relationship!! As much as you provide daily pleasure to me, you are aging my skin, making my teeth yellow and doing all types of internal damage to my heart, lungs, blood vessels, esophagus and throat!!

Yes, I know I will probably gain weight without you, baby. But that's not enough to make me stay!! I need to liberate myself from your control over me and cope with life without you as a crutch.

So darling, thanks for the fantastic times and wonderful memories. Good bye, my love!!

P.S. I have met someone else. His name is Pranayama and he is amaze balls!!!

Follow Your Heart

This is such a ubiquitous phrase - it dominates all my social media news feeds - FB, twitter, Pinterest - but what does it actually mean? And why are we constantly being reminded to listen to our hearts?

For me, it means shutting out the constant bombardment of daily and even hourly messaging from endless sources on what I should be doing, feeling, thinking and buying in order to be HAPPY. I have found that happiness is really nothing more than an attitude, a state of mind. It's a simple choice that we can all make each and every day.

Our society teaches us that we should use our heads, be logical and strategic in pursuing happiness. Setting aggressive goals to achieve, conquer, win in order to capture an elusive prize called happiness. So it is actually counterintuitive to follow your heart in pursuing happiness - It seems that showing vulnerability and humility and contentment without climbing a mountain or conquering an enemy is not valued by our society. Who are we to be happy with no achievements, no status symbols, no trophies?

Additionally, we have been conditioned to protect our hearts from being hurt by others. We are all such emotional, loving, caring beings - our greatest need aside from food, water, shelter is to be loved, appreciated, understood. And once we have been hurt, we place barriers and walls around our tender hearts to protect them from being hurt again. The complexity of the defense mechanisms that we put in place are astounding! Sometimes they are so complex we no longer realize or understand our behaviors designed to keep us safe and out of harms way.

My personal journey of self-realization and non-attachment has helped me see the lengths I have gone to in order to protect my heart! Through meditation, I have observed my behavior patterns and am slowly beginning an arduous process of self-observation and understanding. It is a long road for me to peel away the many barriers I have put in place to avoid being vulnerable. While I maintain an illusion of safety in my logical brain, I have discovered I am creating barriers to truly connecting with people I care about.

My challenge to myself is to take more risks! Express myself each day in a way that may uplift others, connect with their hearts, give them the strength and freedom to listen to their inner voices. Make them know how much they are loved and worthy of love. To me, the ultimate fulfillment is in making that true connection and serving my fellow man, woman and child. We are all worthy of loving and being loved. We are all good enough just the way we are, stripped of titles, judgements, status symbols.

❤❤❤

Defining My Edge

This was an essay assignment for my 200 hour Yoga TT program:

How Do You Define the Edge in Your Life?

Living on the edge has practically been a way of life for me - not necessarily in a positive way! When I was younger, I was compelled to be that girl that would never back down from a dare, always trying to be bolder and braver than all the boys! I constantly toed and usually crossed the line that the adults set as boundaries. I was so rebellious, in fact, that my high school education took place halfway across the globe in Manila, Philippines, at an exclusive convent school run by Catholic nuns. Rather than be influenced by the strict, religious order, I ended up corrupting all of my friends. If it wasn't for the extensive connections of my wonderful, patient guardians, Poppa Sonny and Mamma Lyn (my Mom's sister), I would have been expelled.

After graduating high school, I returned to the States and continued my erratic, rebellious path at DePaul University and ultimately, my alma mater, Illinois State University, with a bit of a detour in between. I was constantly pushing the envelope and ultimately relying on my charm and persuasiveness to rectify sticky situations of my own creation. It didn't stop there! Most of my jobs, flight attendant, retail management, financial planning, all included an unhealthy dose of challenging authority.

Socially, it was the same thing. Always living on the edge with dating, friendships, "risky behavior" that I won't dwell on here. When my marriage fell apart (after three previous broken engagements), I still had not become introspective enough to question my attitudes and behaviors. I just felt that I could do anything I wanted to to anyone without consequence or thought. The repeated lesson that I was taking away was that things always worked out for me in the end, so I must be ok.

That's when I found yoga. Initially, it was strictly a physical practice. I enjoyed early success in yoga due to my natural flexibility and strength. It was years before my practice deepened, two jobs later, one more broken engagement, one more heart broken to add to my pile of people I had hurt, failed and disappointed. And here I am.

So what is living on the edge? To me, back then, it was living on the edge of conformity, surrender, selling out, growing up. It was freedom. It was resistance. It was living life on my terms, my way, with no regard to anyone else.

As my practice has deepened, I have been able to transcend the physical and connect to my inner truth. And the surprising and delightful personal discovery that I have stumbled upon, is that my true nature is in perfect conflict with all that I have pretended to be! In my own misguidance, I had 'sold out' myself!

What a humbling realization! My outward persona has been a perfect mask, some crazy defense mechanism, to protect my vulnerability, compassion, kindness that I have always identified as weakness. My aggressive behavior, has in truth caused the greatest hurt and damage to myself in the long run.

So what is my current edge? It's in finding the strength, grace, bravery and humility to live my truth. To transcend my ego and speak my truth with honesty, candor and faith that who I am is good enough. In embracing my feminine, yin attributes, rather than trying to cultivate masculine, yang characteristics. That the only thing that really matters is in how kind, loving, humble, vulnerable I am to others. In being authentic and not pretending I am anyone but me. In allowing my true nature and inner light to shine. In detaching from my ego, material possessions and even my fears and insecurities. In allowing my identity to be defined by my conduct, respect for others and in how I can serve. In following this path, I seek enlightenment, freedom from suffering and an equanimous existence.

2012

This was my FB post on December 31,2011 as I was preparing for 2012.


2011 - thank you for the memories: the love, heartbreak, redemption, sorrow, joy, accomplishments, fulfillment, gratitude, happiness, laughter, challenges, failures and successes; I won't linger on your memories, for the past is gone. What will remain of you as I continue on my path are the lessons you've given: be true to myself, always; lead with my heart; be present, live in the moment; take risks, it's ok to fail; and I am never alone.

2012 - rather than predict, control or anticipate what you will be to me, as I have done with other years, I pledge to open my heart and mind to you as I watch you reveal yourself; to see you clearly for what you are, not what I wish you to be. To accept the beauty, truth and lesson that you offer with humility and gratitude. To strive for equanimity and non-attachment so that I may love and appreciate all experiences equally, pain or pleasure.To be a positive impact on all those I encounter. To take every opportunity I can to express what is within my heart.To reach for the stars and fly. And to love, love, love.

40

This was a quick FB post on September 19, 2011.


5 days in to being 40 years old - life has never been better!! with each year I have gained more wisdom and appreciation for all of life's blessings! and the realization that happiness is simply focusing my mind on living in the present with love, gratitude, patience, tolerance and humility...in a fabulous pair of shoes (;

On Taking Risks

Why is it so difficult to detach? From things, situations, people. Walking away is always hard because you don't know what lies ahead. Its a big risk!! U could be leaving "good enough" for "way worse"!!!

However, in choosing to stay in a less than ideal, uplifting, nurturing, inspiring situation, fear is your captor. And the greater risk is in never having tried; never having had the courage; and most importantly, never trusting in a higher power and purpose to lead and support you.

It may seem safer to remain in a known environment than risk the possibility of ending up with less than you started with. You may feel more in control of your life and feel you have more certainty and stability. Unfortunately, security and safety are states of mind - intangible concepts that are not guaranteed to any human being walking this earth. We all know life can change in an instant - and the mediocrity that we have been clinging to can be snatched from our grasp, leaving us empty handed.

On the flip side, being willing to trade in all you have and all that you have become for just a shot at the opportunity for true fulfillment, purpose, motivation, passion and freedom seems less of a gamble in the bigger picture! Look at your life backwards; how do you want your children and grandchildren to remember you and eulogize you? What will your legacy be? How will you explain your life to God after all is said and done?

These are some of the questions I have asked myself over the past year as I began my fourth decade here on earth. Others: Are my decisions based on being honest with my inner self, true purpose, God? Or are they influenced by an external source: society, appearances, man's approval?

When you ask these questions of yourself, you must be prepared for the answers! I realized how far removed and polarized from my true nature I had become! My mask has been so tightly fixed on my face that I could no longer distinguish between who I really am and who I was pretending to be.

We are all magnificent, unique manifestations of God's purpose for us. Yet we spend so much time conforming: seeking approval from others, trying to impress them, wanting their acceptance, that we stifle the very uniqueness that makes us special and relevant.

So my journey has led me to exactly where I am destined to be right now. While I cannot predict my future, my security comes from within myself and is not attached to what I possess. As long as I finally and continually listen to my inner voice, I can focus on fulfillment rather than success. I will not look back with regret and longing for what might have been.

And my legacy to Julian will be to look within for your answers; trust in the power, beauty and freedom of your dreams; the only failure is in not trying; find fulfillment through your passion, excitement, wonder and purpose; being you is beautiful.

Social Media Experiment

Soooo... It all started with a BOY!! A super amazing, driven, accomplished, inspired, inspiring man who was for whatever unimaginable reason ... Just not that into me!! Which of course made him even more irresistible! Lol.

So since I am 40 and not 18, I realize that it's much healthier for me to date men who actually are interested in me. NOTE: I am looking for more than good on paper - I need chemistry!! But, of course, looking good on paper is not optional.

So where else can you find out everything you need to know to quickly pre-screen a date than a dating website? Ok, I can already sense you judging me; trust me, I shared your derision of the overall desperate nature of one who has resorted to online dating. That being said, I actually know quite a few happy couples and marriages resulting from online dating, so I tried to go in with an open mind.

I had already joined this particular site a few months prior, but it was such a CHORE wading through hundreds of emails and 'winks' from desperate losers that I had literally let the account languish.

So my experiment was to go on 30 dates in 30 days with the following objectives:

1. Actually go on 30 dates in 30 days!
2. Test the validity of the theory "nothing gets you over the last one like getting under the next one."
3. Find out what kind of people are actually actively on these sites.
4. Is it a good way to meet and connect with people?
5. How honest are people on these websites?

Soooo it took a few days to select potential dates, respond to emails, exchange numbers and actually plan and schedule two dozen dates! It was pretty cyclical and took a lot of time and effort - but the potential good that I am doing for society kept me motivated. Since these are essentially first dates, my approach was to basically get in and get out!!

So here are the stats of the experiment - if I had more time, I would figure out the economic impact of all my dates, but my memory is already fading fast.

24 dates in 30 days
Oldest date: 54
Youngest date: 28
Yoga dates: 2
Coffee dates: 7
Cocktail dates: 12
Brunch dates: 2
Lunch dates: 1
Dinner dates: no way!!
# of guys who lied on profile: 0!
# of girls who lied on profile: 1! I only lied about my age but came clean immediately upon meeting the date
# of guys who I told about the experiment: 3

Soooo what did I learn from this experience?

1. There really are so many amazing men out there who sincerely want to be in a relationship and share their lives with that special someone.
2. The stigma of online dating is unique to those of us who did not grow up with the Internet! The millennials generally have no issues with meeting a date online.
3. Online dating is a viable method for busy professionals to meet and connect with the opposite sex.
4. You cannot judge a person by their stats alone! People have their own stories and in generalizing a certain type, you can really miss out on some interesting personalities beneath the surface.
5. Sometimes there's nothing interesting going on beneath the surface!
6. There are many extremely successful i.e. PAID men who use dating websites
7. Men really really really dig chicks who do yoga
8. I am a pretty good fucking catch!! Lol.

Some fun facts:
No. 5 farted during yoga class, and I could NOT contain my laughter
No. 9 dropped down and did 40 pushups at the bar at Morton's Naperville during a crowded Wednesday night!!
No. 14 and I had actually met at a club back in 2005 and ended up having a late night/early morning breakfast that night. He actually still had my old 312 phone number in his cell phone!!
No. 17 - 54 year old white executive - made me a "mix CD" with Rihanna, Flo-rida, Drake, Nikki Minaj and others!
No. 18 invented roasted nuts kiosks!!
No. 24 is a vegetarian!! 15 years strong and is in unbelievable shape

So the moral of the story: it doesn't matter how you meet someone; what's important is the connection that you make. I honestly can say that I had a great time with each individual and did connect with each one on some level. Approaching people with an open heart and mind as you get to know them is never time wasted. Even if there's no love connection, you have made a new contact and you never know where that can lead or potentially serve you in the future!!

So single people, it was a tough job, but I took one for the team!!! You're welcome. (:

My Highest Aspiration

This was my first assignment in my 200 hour yoga teacher training program. We had to describe our highest aspiration.

My highest aspiration

I am a lotus flower floating freely on the river of life - a universal current of pure energy, potential and love. My heart, unbound and free, leads my travels as i release my inner light and gracefully float with the will of the universe. I am unshackled and unrestrained and surrender to the mercy of God. I have no attachments, expectations or desires - for my destiny has been predetermined by a perfect higher power that guides those who seek their truth, who detach from the world and embrace their destiny. I observe the obstacles placed before me; ego, power, excitement, prestige, physical pleasures and material possessions designed to shackle my soul!!!
As i float along, i am alone, yet i connect with those who seek Freedom. Beauty. Love. Truth. Bliss. I embrace each bend in the river with love, gratitude, simplicity and acceptance. My destination is non attachment. Equanimity. Pure love. Contentment. Bliss. Where i am now means nothing compared to where i am going - I will follow my own unique path that has been lovingly and perfectly created just for me. Doubts, fears, insecurities dissipate and my heart soars in total freedom. I maintain stillness and peace within as I glide thru choppy waters and pristine surfaces alike. In having the strength to detach from the world, I am given everything that I need. I trust in the awesome power and beauty of truth. Anything is possible!!!!