Work That Body - Session Three

Nearly a month had passed between Session 1 and 3, mainly due to scheduling issues between both Everett and me. Unlike the first two sessions, I was NOT looking forward to the third one and even attempted to cancel it.  For the couple of days preceding Session Three, I was having difficulty sleeping and I was feeling a great deal of pain in my joints, particularly my hips and ankles. My entire body was achy and I was not in the highest of spirits.

I contacted Everett the morning of Session Three and told him I hadn't slept all night and my entire body was so achy and painful that I wasn't mentally prepared for more pain on his table. His response was that all of the pain is darkness coming to the surface, ready to be released. He said this was the best condition to be in for a session. That nobody said that going deeper was comfortable. He then instructed me to look inside: is there fear going on? When you start to go deep, big fear comes up. But he never once pressured me to keep my appointment that day.

Well. Of course I went - I don't like to think of myself as a quitter. But I was definitely not looking forward to it, knowing that there was the certainty of physical pain and discomfort awaiting me. I should definitely clarify that each person's experience is different. Some go through these sessions with very little discomfort and pain. Everett said that my pain is already at the surface while many people have theirs buried so deeply that they feel very little. He calls it karmically ripe.

So, as always, Everett started the session with light neck and psoas work. Then he got down to business. He started on my left side and worked all of the lateral edges of my body. I went in feeling trepidation with very low energy. After he released my left side, I felt an amazing rush of energy through my body and I literally lit up and felt like myself again! It was incredible; I walked through the door feeling very reserved and achy and tired and old. I stepped off the table and felt incredible lightness back in my body; I was bubbly, energetic ME again. And that was just one side. He told me to go take a look in the mirror, and my left shoulder was three inches lower than my right!  Rather than my shoulders getting higher, they were dropping down, creating space for my neck and upper back. He then worked the right side and finished with work on my hamstrings and my entire back body.

This session, again, was pretty painful, and Everett said that he was using very little pressure. After Session Three, I do feel taller, straighter and lighter. I feel more space in my body but also AROUND my body. I feel much more calm; balanced; content. My feet, particularly my heels, enjoy a rooted connectedness with the Earth. I feel longer, leaner and more IN my body.

Everett asked me to wait a few days before blogging this session to allow these shifting energies to settle. I woke up the next day feeling amazing and was very productive.  After each of these sessions, I become more focused and present in my body and in my life. I always have a flurry of productive activity for a few to several days when I leave Everett's table. 

About a week after the third session, I was feeling intense, throbbing, burning pain and sensation in my calves down to my feet. I thought part of it was from teaching five classes that day, standing on my flat feet without arch support, but the feelings were so intense.  I spoke with Everett late that night, and he said that my body was continuing to release pain and that all of the physical pain is a blessing. No, I didn't hang up on him. I listened intently because I have a great deal of respect for him and what he does to help people. 

He told me to let go of who I think I am. That this energy is now releasing on its own. Let it happen and watch what unfolds. He said that right now I am the smallest version of myself, and I should follow where this road leads without expectations.

About four days after that, I had another release. I was talking with a dear friend and fellow yogi, Haleh Putz after I taught a 75 minute hot vinyasa class; a real conversation from her heart chakra directly to mine.  I then took a vinyasa class and experienced  an outpouring of gratitude and joy and grace that literally burst my heart wide open and spilled off of my face. A feeling of extreme love and Grace lasted for several hours after that. 

Session Three provides an opportunity to end the sessions - quit while you're ahead! It also allows for a break before Sessions Four and Five which concentrate on the inner leg lines and then deep, deep work in the pelvic bowl and the entire abdomen. Everett says that the first three are merely prep work for the deep releasing that happens in the subsequent sessions. Child's play. *gulp*

I asked him if we could continue with sessions four and five in our next lifetimes.....

Work That Body - Session Two

So I've been looking forward to this session all week - it's all about GROUNDING - something I sorely (pardon the pun) need in my life both on and off my yoga mat.

First off, I have extremely flat feet, which has been causing me a great deal of pain since I've begun teaching so many classes each day. 

When I first get out of bed each morning, I literally limp my way to my bathroom. And when I teach several classes in a day, I end up walking like an old lady. When I'm practicing postures that require balancing on one foot, I feel a searing pain on the bottom of my standing foot that wraps up my shin and calf. Similarly, after several warrior postures, my feet are burning; this is why I love inversions so much! Relief for my poor, aching feet!!

Off my mat, it's a challenge to stay grounded and structured. Routines, predictability, responsibilities, daily grind activities leave me feeling restless and bored. Yet of course these are the very things that I really need most in my life to achieve balance. 

So, you can see why I was intrigued by Session Two, which focuses on grounding through the legs and further shoulder release.

I won't bore you with the blow by blow. If you read about the first session, you are already aware that there is significant sensation involved with this type of bodywork. But there are also significant, tangible benefits that far outweigh a few moments of discomfort.

Each session begins with some light neck, shoulder and psoas release.  Everett began work on my right side this time. As I was lying on my back, he started by releasing the bottom of my foot while I flexed and softened my heel. He then freed my ankle joint (ouch!) and worked his way up my lower leg. He then flipped me on my tummy to work the same area, releasing my ankle and knee. 

Now, during this portion, I seriously asked myself, "Why am I doing this again?" The acute pain and burning sensations seemed a bit senseless as I was experiencing it. I said as much to Everett, and his response was, "Yeah, you have to be pretty crazy to do this. Or really want to move your life to the next level." 

Between areas, Everett pauses and has me lie on my back to observe and comment on sensation. And that is when I am reminded of exactly WHY I am going through such physical discomfort. It is to enjoy full awareness of my body on a level deeper than gross motor movements. To FEEL the tingling sensations of prana and blood coursing through my veins. To FEEL my entire pelvis flat on the table. To BREATHE fully and completely with fine awareness of subtle sensations in my body's organs. 

It also allows for emotional releasing, especially of traumas, injuries, pain, and other intense experiences that have been shoved deep down rather than felt and released. 

So while I strive to have no expectations of this work, I am mentally prepared for any emotional energy that may bubble to the surface. While I was fully prepared for physical pain and tears, I was caught completely off guard for what released as Everett worked his way up the front of my  upper legs and thighs: doubled over, nose snorting laughter! It started with slight tickling sensations then became more intense until I finally pushed his hands away and just started laughing uncontrollably. At one point, he left the room so I could laugh my ass off! 

So interesting that it happened at the exact same spot on both of my thighs. Apparently tears and pain aren't the only things we repress! I was surprised to find that I'm so repressed that I even suppress laughter! 

The rest of the work was additional shoulder work and concluded with my back. Once all of the connective tissues are released, he organizes and aligns the entire body. 

After two of ten sessions, I basically feel like the Tin Man who has had all of his joints oiled and can now operate more efficiently and smoothly. My body feels integrated and grounded and light and energetic and alive!

After nine years of practicing yoga, I thought I had pretty decent body awareness. This bodywork has made me realize how physical my practice has been, and how 'karmically ripe' I am (as Everett has said more than once) to transcend the superficial level and truly deepen my spiritual path. 

This work truly isn't for everyone. It's so much deeper than physical tissue release. Everett says women who work with him come in like rabbits and leave like tigers. I asked him what happens to those who come in like tigers? 

Annica! Annica! Annica!!! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!!!

Work That Body - Intro and Session One

So yoga has been an amazing tool for me to do uh-LOT of self-reflection, self-correction and self-healing (sounds pretty self-absorbed, but it's all for the greater good!). With yoga as a pathway, I've significantly transformed my life from my career to personal relationships. (Always a work in progress!!)

As a professional yoga instructor trying to make ends meet solely through teaching, I have been struggling with my personal practice - just as I feared I would when considering such a dramatic career shift! The challenge is to maintain a personal practice while teaching sometimes as many as 25 classes per week! 

I've re-committed to my mat, and I am currently on Day 96 of 365 days of yoga. I've slowly rekindled my love and passion for this wonderful gift of yoga. However ... I am at a solid plateau both on my mat and off. Not only has my practice stagnated, but I've gained 25 pounds as a professional yoga instructor! I haven't weighed this much since 2005.....

So, I'm at a point where I am ready to bust out of my plateau and I am fully aware that I need some assistance. More and more I am aware that life will unfold as it damn well pleases and I have very little control over the outcomes. This lesson has taught me to be open to all possibilities and options. 

Enter Eunju Choi - an amazing student and now friend who had literally been -- I hate to say pestering -- pestering me about this bodywork she was having done and how amazing it is in terms of releasing. For those that don't practice yoga, it's ALL about the RELEASE. Letting go of tightness, judgement, self-consciousness and whatever else we've stuffed into our bodies. Apparently she had been talking to her body work guy about me as well describing the type of energy releases she had been experiencing in my class.

After many months, Eunju gave me a book that was sent from Everett Ogawa, her body work dude. I read the book within one night - it described the method and gave several case studies. I was intrigued and went in for a free intro session. I posted a bit on FB about that first session. Indescribable how amazingly open and light and free I felt. Everett said that it was a teaspoon of the full bodywork sessions.

So needless to say, I am IN! 

Tuesday was my first of TEN bodywork sessions with Everett Ogawa of Integral Bodywork. Integral Bodywork® is a transformational method of hands-on bodywork that seeks to restore an individual's structural integrity through release of the body's matrix of connective tissue. 

So thinking of your muscles as a micro system in your body and your connective tissues as the macro system. This work seeks deep access and release of connective tissues. It's the same exact concept as a Yin/Restorative yoga practice; however, with much deeper releases and immediate results.

Let me preface this by saying this is WORK. There is extreme sensation involved, sometimes even pain; so this type of body work is realistically for very few people who are interested in clearing the clutter and psychological and emotional crap and feeling the free flow of energy in their bodies. Not for everyone! This first session was more than two hours but felt like 8.

So Session One started with some basic neck stretches and some psoas release to create some space in my pelvic area.

Then I laid on my right side and he started working the entire illiotibial (IT) band, the entire length of my outer leg. He put deep pressure in various points starting from my outer hip. Once he got in deep, I would flex my knee then straighten it and extend from the top of my thigh through my heel while he dug in and lengthened the bunched connective tissues. BLOODY HELL!!!!! But each pressure point is literally one cycle of breath. And I know I can endure ANYTHING in life for one measly breath. After working both my upper and lower outer leg, he instructed me to lie on my back and FEEL.

What did I feel? I literally felt the blood and prana flowing freely through my entire leg. Not only did my left leg feel an inch longer than my right leg, I looked down and it was!! True story. He then asked me to focus on my breath. I was able to breathe more fully and deeply on my left side body. He asked what did that tell me as a yoga instructor. I responded that to breathe fully through the body, you have to work the limbs as well as the torso. He then had me stand up and my left leg felt so much more stable and grounded and my left foot had even expanded slightly with my toes longer than my right toes. I know - sounds insane.

Back to the table where he started working space between my ribs and the tissues surrounding the intercostal muscles there. OUCH!!!!! I have bruises where he was digging his fingers in.  He did some work on my back as well. Then I laid on my back again and the breathing was incredible! I could feel the spaces between my ribs as my lungs expanded.

Next, I laid on my back and he worked to free my ribcage. yup, that's right. He dug his fingers under my ribcage, and I then lifted my pelvis slightly and he pulled it up and away. Excruciating sensation - I'm not even going to lie. After working several spots, I was instructed to breathe. Holy shit! My ribcage felt like it was floating in space and I felt incredible space through my abdominal wall and my pelvic region!

Then came the upper rib work and shoulder work. I shudder recounting this portion. He was accessing all of these areas mainly through my arm pit. He dug in and separated my ribs. The most intense sensation was when he accessed my second rib THROUGH MY ARMPIT and freed it from the connective tissues followed by digging into the back of my scapula. The. Back. Of. My. Scapula.  At one point, he broke away from me and started coughing uncontrollably. He then sprayed water all over the space and burned some sage. Apparently a huge toxic wave of energy was released and almost knocked him on his ass!!! As he did that, I closed my eyes to FEEL and, incredibly, my shoulder had dropped a full inch and a half. The entire left side of my body felt it was tipping to the left and my entire spine and left side body was FLAT on the table, including the back of my pelvis and tailbone!! When I stood up, all I could say to Everett was that I felt like a primate. My left humerus bone was dangling from my shoulder and my arm felt long and heavy like it was being dragged to the earth with gravity, but it felt LIGHT and fluid and FREE at the same time. My left hand was literally a couple of inches lower on my left thigh than my right side.

The work after this point was a breeze. He worked my arm, elbow and wrist. By worked I think you've picked up that means digging deep into my body tissues. The sensation was still there but nothing like that rib business. 

On to the right side. He said he used half the pressure on this side and I told him I felt twice the pain. He said that some people have tightened and hardened so much that he could hit them with a hammer on the shoulder and they feel nothing. People tighten and become NUMB to sensation due to pain and trauma and emotional "sucking it up." The pain is necessary to truly experience your body. 

On the left side, the first side he worked, I focused on my inhale and exhale. I felt significant physical and emotional releases, but no specific memories or experiences surfaced. As he worked the right side of my body, I felt a lot more pain; and I had some crazy verbal releases. As I focused on my breath while he worked, involuntarily I started to scream out with pain, something that hadn't happened on the left side. I felt myself getting more and more emotional as he worked his way up to my right shoulder. In yoga, we know that the shoulders are the gateway to the heart, so I felt that there was a whammy of a release coming tracing back to this knot I've had in my right shoulder for the past 10 years. 

On the right side, I needed more space to recover between releases. At one point, I rolled onto my left side and felt like i was about to cry, but the tears never came. I had a significant realization that came through a verbal outburst, which surprised both of us, and then made both of us laugh hysterically. He said that in his 23 years of body work, that was a definite first! I won't type here what it was, because I don't want to offend anyone. However, if you have actually read all the way to the end of this blog post, and ask me, I will tell you! lol

So we finished the session and I walked away literally feeling a hyper awareness of my body and in a state of significant mental clarity. It truly is indescribable the joy and pleasure it feels to truly inhabit this human body. And this was Session One. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

These are the body areas that he worked in Session One.

21 Day Detox Post Mortem

This is the third time I've completed an annual 21 day detox where I remove the following:

1. Sugar

2. Caffeine

3. Gluten

4. Animal proteins including dairy

5. Alcohol

It's quite intense; here are my observations. 

1. I can do ANYTHING, I just can't do EVERYthing. I can eat, drink, ingest whatever I want to; I just can't do that AND expect to live at my optimal level of health, wellness and vitality. 

2. When one door shuts, there's another doorway to move toward. As I have shut the door on allowing my physical body and its cravings and aversions to control me, the door has swung open to a life with much more CLARITY, connectedness and EQUANIMITY. 

3. The act of letting go and leaping toward the unknown will ALWAYS be rewarded!

4. There's nothing to change or fix; We must peel away layers of self-delusion, insecurities, defense mechanisms and barriers to reveal God's masterpiece within. 

5. The human body has an endless source of natural energy. It just needs to be revealed. I have literally never felt physically BETTER!  I'm living on a higher level! My senses are so sharp and sensitive. I think way less and FEEL so damn good!

6. It's ok to be tired!!! When the body and mind are tired, REST! 

7. The detox is so much more than the food and the body. It's about relationships of dependency and how we use food and caffeine and alcohol to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings that arise. 

8. How you do ANYthing is how you do EVERYthing. Mindfulness and balance are the keys to living an optimal life.  

Love and Relationships

They say (you know, the infamous 'they' that say everything) that the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And since the majority of my four decades has unfolded on the precipice of cray cray, I've been easing back from the chasm and observing my habits and thought patterns.

So now that I've survived nearly two years of being between engagements/husbands,  I am ready for a raw, honest post mortem on my past several relationships. Before I delve in, let me preface this exercise by pointing out that the biggest pattern that I have identified is that I have pretty much always been in a relationship. I've been a serial monogamist for the past 25 years of my life ... and generally repeating the same relationship over and over.

And I consider myself fortunate here, because there have been a few occasions over the past two years where I could have easily slipped back into that comfortable, secure, yet not quite right circumstance. But in these recent situations I chose to listen to my inner voice and take the time alone to really seek the truth and break the cycle.

Obviously, it's easy to love someone during the good times, especially in the romantic, exciting, exhilarating, uncertain beginning stages. The true test is loving that person when they are weak, when they are less than perfect, when they make mistakes and when their conscious choices end up disappointing or even hurting you. 

As I look back over my series of long-term, loving, committed relationships, I now see where my ego played far too large of a role. Far too many times, it would get the best of me, and I realized that what I once attributed to hurt feelings was actually an injury to my ego more than anything else. And our nature as humans is to protect that ego, that self-image, at all costs. And more importantly, when we are driven by the ego, there is simply no true opportunity for love. The ego blocks our ability to allow our natural, loving state to flourish. 

So what is unconditional love? Obviously we have it for our kids, parents, siblings and family members (or not!) - but that type of commitment seems to be less abundant in our primary relationships than our parents' generation... It just seems that it's so much easier to walk away and start fresh than stay and submit to true intimacy.

 So here are my questions based on MY experiences:

Can I continue to love with an open heart in spite of a (perceived) betrayal? Can I lead with  compassion and try to understand where the other person is in their journey and what their needs and/or deficiencies are? Rather than approaching the situation from a place of anger and pain, led by the ego, can I detach from the situation and observe my emotions dispassionately? Can I believe that that person is honestly doing the best they can from wherever they currently are on their path? Can I trust that the hurt they caused was not intentional. And with that knowledge and with understanding and compassion, can I make a conscious choice to forgive and move forward? Can I create a space for that person to be honest and communicate where they're coming from and why they made the decisions that they made? Can I speak candidly about how their decisions affected me without accusation or anger? and can we come to a deeper understanding of one another because of this shared experience?

Can I be vulnerable and share my pain and disappointment in the hopes that any mistakes made can be forgiven and can somehow strengthen the bond between us?  Can I truly forgive and forget and move forward, striving for a deeper love? When we come to the realization that our own happiness is truly dependent on ourselves and we don't put pressure on another person to be the source of our happiness, we can make conscious choices on what we choose to accept in our life, who we allow to remain in our life.  Can we truly accept someone for who they are: flawed, broken, human? And can we continue to love in spite of these weaknesses and imperfections?  Can we be vulnerable enough to love unconditionally. 

I believe if we can truly liberate ourselves from FEAR and the instinct to harden and protect our hearts, if we can learn to move from LOVE, then unconditional love will permeate not just our primary relationships, but all of our relationships and interactions with others.

After all, isn't that why we are all here? To love and serve and BE HAPPY!!! 

Annica!! Annica!! Annica!!!

Yoga - It's a matter of perspective

One of the greatest gifts that i have received from yoga is an increased awareness that has allowed a significant shift in my perspective on life.

The beauty of yoga is that it truly is for anyone. Anytime you unroll your mat, you come exactly as you are at that moment in time. Just being there breathing is enough and it's perfect.

After gallons of sweat, numerous sore muscles and minor injuries, I've slowly come to the realization that it's not about the perfect pose - the pose is a tool that we use to gain a greater awareness of our bodies, our minds, and our relationship to the pose and more broadly, the world.

It is all about the journey. My journey. Your journey. Our journey. Wherever you happen to be, yoga meets you right there. This knowledge creates an environment of relaxation, safety and security. It provides freedom from expectations - it's an amazing opportunity to get out of our heads and get into the physical sensations of the body.

What does that mean? Through focusing on your breath and all of the physical sensations of the body, you can find a stillness in your mind and slowly begin cultivating the ability to be 100% in the present moment. Through that ability to focus in the present, self-awareness is gradually nurtured and expanded. We can then take the power of observation off of our mats and begin to approach daily life challenges from a more detached perspective. Learning to observe our mental patterns and initial reactions to physical stimulus, whether someone cuts you off in traffic or you experience a small victory, you can create a moment of stillness and use that space to respond rather than react.

As that awareness expands from the gross physical sensations to more subtle awareness, you learn to identify areas of stress, tension and tightness and gradually release those blockages allowing Prana, life energy, to flow freely and uninhibited throughout your body, creating ease, grace and a flow on your mat and in your life.

Yoga's numerous physical and wellness benefits become secondary to finding that stillness and inner peace - the union between your mind and body.

There are some modern day yogis that have cultivated such awareness that they can literally stop their own heartbeats for several minutes, be declared dead by a physician and then willfully bring themselves back to life.

While I am certainly not there yet, I have definitely found a more balanced, open and easeful flow in my life. My urge to slap a bitch may always remain my initial reaction, however, allowing myself the space to observe and detach before responding has certainly reduced the odds of an unnecessary act of violence.

Annica!! Annica!! Annica!! Be happy!! Be happy!!

Peace, love and namaste, bitches!!!

What you seek is seeking you

As I set my intention for class, I was surprised to discover that the incessant yearnings, the intense desires that have driven and controlled me my entire life...were no more. I am no longer seeking anything external ... I am seeking my own truth, I am seeking to detach from all of the chaos and distractions, I am seeking to reveal my inner truth in order to serve.

I have found my dharma, my life's work. Sharing the beauty and transformational power of the practice of yoga with anyone and everyone is my calling. Never have I felt more confidence in myself - an absolute total lack of doubt - than when I fully and completely submitted to this journey.

In the warm, glowing comfort of this truth - there is no room for worry, doubt, fear. Just as my personal practice has grown and blossomed throughout these years, so, too will my path as a teacher. The universe will guide me and provide for me. I need nothing that I don't already possess within me.

Ebb and Flow

She heard a window close in the distance and felt a fleeting tinge of sadness ... But was once again overcome with happiness as she saw the open, waiting door ... Life is an adventure, she smiled to herself, as she took a running start and leapt, eyes wide open, heart unbound.

Vipassana Bubble One-Month Gut Check

It's been exactly one month since I returned from my Vipassana 10 day silent retreat, so I think it's appropriate to do a gut-check here and assess my current situation...and I am starting with the premise that wherever I am on my journey, it is absolutely ok.

So, I'll kick it off by openly confessing that the beautiful, calm, peaceful bubble is gone. Popped. Bursted. Evaporated. It is NO MORE!!

I just re-watched my v-log post describing how amazing I felt a week after my re-entry into my life, and  I am thunderstruck by how far away I have slipped from equanimity in just a few short, jam-packed, stressful, pressure-filled weeks!

Of course, I take full responsibility for the choices that I have made and the chaos that I have allowed into my precious bubble.

My bubble bursting reminds me of the Stephen King movie Pet Cemetery. In the movie, when a pet dies, you bury him or her in the Pet Cemetery and the next morning, it returns home. The only caveat is that it is not quite the same animal that returns from the Pet Cemetery - there is something distinctly evil and off. 

Which is exactly how I have been feeling being outside the bubble - my old habits of reacting to stressful, overwhelming situations seems a bit more intense and ... well, not sane!! So, as I am taking a step back to observe and process where I now am, I am reminding myself to focus more on my breath and OBSERVE the physical SENSATIONS I experience in those moments. Just breathing and observing without reacting.

For me, it's all about seeking balance ...  cultivating the ability to calmly and purposefully engage in various activities and tasks with a balanced approach rather than intense and extreme focus and energy. 

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I fully intend to begin again!! I want my bubble back!! Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy!! Be happy! Be happy!!

My 10 Day Vipassana Silent Meditation Experience

On My Mat

My beloved Jade mat - I have 3 Mandukas and a few other randoms, but this is the only mat that I  truly love! So much beautiful, healing, validating energy on this one!! So much for non-attachment! tee hee hee 

Each time I unroll my mat, the familiarity of that simple action resonates to the core of my heart! How many thousands of times have I performed that simple action in my life? And in how many dozens of studios throughout the world - from Miami and NYC to LA and Santa Monica. On a rooftop in New Delhi at dawn. In a studio in Rome taught entirely in Italian! And so many other corners of our beautiful Earth.

Yet that initial action, and all that follow it, exists in a sacred space, an entire universe, on my beloved mat. When the madness of the world has invaded my lovely precious bubble, and I have allowed others' negativity and self-loathing and misery to permeate my equanimity, I can ALWAYS roll out my mat and let it all go. 

Just like that. At least for an hour, I can truly live in the moment, my breath bridging my mind, body and soul with something much bigger and more significant than external distractions, attachments and aversions. Linking my breath with my body's movements, I experience the physical sensations of pure, utter bliss within my physical body. Yet my mental focus allows a transcendence of the physical into a true oneness with all things, everything and nothing.

My mat has supported me through heartbreak, total sublime happiness, guilt, anger, bliss, excitement, fear and self-doubt. The one thing that is consistent is the impermanence of each emotion...whether the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, nothing endures! 

That simple reminder of the nature of life - it goes on! - grounds me firmly back in 'yathabhuta' reality 'as it is' not how I wish it to be! And the ultimate universal truth: All I need for true happiness can be found ONLY WITHIN and ONLY BY ME.

And as I roll my lovely mat back up, my bubble is once again safely back in tact and filled with love, peace and compassion for myself and all others.

Bhavatu Sarva Mangalam - May all beings be happy!

Redemption and Love

You can't ever go back and erase the pain that you caused. Or pay more attention to the little things that you took for granted. Or appreciate someone opening their heart to you and understanding the significance of it.

You can't go back and be more compassionate; more caring; more interested; more forgiving; more supportive; more loving. Or reverse the words that wounded; destroyed; cut to the core of someone's heart. 

You also can't continue to punish yourself for your mistakes - they are done and gone.  Karma is real, and the universe administers justice immediately. We are what we have done, and we will be what we are doing now. We are the sole masters of our fate and must accept the consequences that our actions reap.

If it's forgiveness that you seek for yourself - you must immediately stop your negative intentions and harmful actions. The only true path to redemption is to stop causing pain and cease contributing to the misery in the world. And the realization that:

You CAN commit to being more compassionate; more focused on others' feelings; more grateful for every kindness; more content with giving more and expecting much less.

You CAN choose to give and spread LOVE in its purest form. Sending only positive thoughts and energy to all living things. Vowing that all of your thoughts, deeds and actions will contribute to the happiness, liberation and freedom of others.

And for true redemption and forgiveness to occur, the universe will draw a person into your life who is seeking their own redemption. That person will assume the role that you once played; that person will cause you pain; that person will take for granted all of your gestures of love and vulnerability; that person will not understand the depth of your love.

That person will be incapable of showing you compassion, caring, support, affection, love. That person will dismiss your love that you give so freely and openly. That person will hurt you again and again and again. And you will love that person still.

You must continue to love that person for the pure sake of your heart without any expectations. You will choose to offer your love, and the expression of that love IS the purpose. In this way, you heal one another. Your guilt is purged and their pain is healed. Annica! Annica! Annica!

Look within - thou art the Buddha.

Today, as each day, I continue my journey within by embarking on a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. This experience allows a complete withdrawal from all worldly comforts and distractions. I have never felt so sure of moving forward on my path than I do about this opportunity before me.

The reactions that I have received from my family and friends have really made all of us laugh! For those who know me well, it is extremely laughable that I would stop talking for 10 minutes, let alone 240 hours! I also have a love of music, blogging, social media and journaling; all of which will not be part of this retreat. Even my own son has teased me about seeing me back home by the weekend!

Underneath the good natured betting pools and incredulous responses, I am overwhelmed by the tremendous love, support and encouragement I have been blessed with! Truly the only thing that warranted serious consideration before I accepted this honor was whether Julian believed in me and what I am trying to achieve. And Julian having the love and support of my parents, my ex-husband and my ex-fiance all working together gives me the freedom to go with zero regret.

Over the past few weeks, I have been mulling over exactly why this opportunity is before me. I have spent the majority of my life with a subtle, unnamed restlessness and a constant searching for ... something to ground me and complete me. I have looked to so many people, places, things to provide the answer. I have taken so many steps down so many wrong paths with the realization that what has directed my past actions was NEVER my own intuition. 

Obviously, all of those detours provided invaluable lessons, so they were not the wrong paths. As I continue my transformation - not into a new person, but rather a re-connection to my authentic self - I realize that I must peel away all of these remaining layers of impressions, judgements, pleasures, aversions and be still and silent.

I have had the extreme fortune in my meditations and yoga practices to experience fleeting moments of satcitananda - pure, sublime BLISS. These moments are extremely rare, and I am not sure if my description can actually do it justice ... Any yoga or meditation session focuses primarily on the breath as a focal point and a means to regulate and control prana and the chatterings of the mind. There comes a moment where the breath and thoughts slowly fade and what remains is a purely physical joyful sensation. When even that sensation has dissipated, what remains is BLISS - pure BEING. You feel ONE with EVERYTHING and NOTHING. This is your true nature, your true and natural state of consciousness!

And do you know what it is? Pure love, compassion and understanding of all beings. I believe that we are all brought into this physical world in that state - and the experience of physical life and our mind's reactions to things, whether enjoyment or aversion, remove us from that perfect state of non-attachment, equanimity and bliss.

I have only experienced this state of being a few times and never for a significant time period. Buddhists and Hindus believe that if one can maintain the relaxed, unstriving, completely at ease state for 48 minutes - that person has reached enlightenment. Not just for this lifetime but for all of our lifetimes That state is the true and highest form of our selves. To truly know one self is to know everyone. And through this knowledge and insight, we can conquer our doubts, fears, joys, pains, aversions and pleasures - ultimately conquering all things.

Vipassana mediation is the method that the Buddha himself used to attain his enlightenment. I have no expectations or particular thoughts on outcomes. I will just be there and be present.

See you in 10 days, and I am sure you will enjoy my silence as much as I will!!

NAMASTE