Polarity Therapy - Session One: In Touch with my Driving Force, Kali MaDurga

                                           

I've embarked on a new bodywork journey called Polarity Therapy. The overarching philosophy of this bodywork is that there are imbalances in the human body/mind/spirit resulting from blocked or misdirected energy. By acknowledging the effects of thoughts, emotions and subconscious programs - as well as those of diet, physical environment, lifestyle patterns and spiritual inclinations - Polarity seeks to encourage the free-flow of life force (energy/prana/chi) within the human system. This is achieved through three types of touching: static touching targeting the cranial-sacral system; deeper tissue i.e. acupressure and reflexology; and rocking motions. This modality creates a comforting and grounded space for the body to do what it needs to do to re-calibrate itself and to release.

What is exceedingly more remarkable than this brilliant modality is the practitioner: Christen Bridgwater. I have worked with Christen for a couple of years now, and I can honestly say that I have not met anyone as grounded and fully present in reality as Christen. She has a very soft-spoken innocuous demeanor that belies such a manifestation of true power and strength. I am fortunate to have crossed paths with her and can honestly say that I have experienced tremendous spiritual growth through my association with her.

Prior to my first session, she instructed me to meditate on what I needed from the bodywork and from her specifically. Over the next several days, the answer that arose (not from my mind but from my body itself) was that my body wished to be healed, deprogrammed and released. It was seeking a hard factory reset: to be restored to its original condition before my mind had learned to fear and hate and to judge. This goal articulated itself early one morning, and then there was a torrential downpour all that morning. A universal sign of the cleansing that had already been set in motion more than a decade ago  when I first stepped onto my yoga mat. Perhaps even prior to that.

So the initial session began with a lovely chat to touch base and Christen shared some mantras for me to concentrate on during the session to help my body in releasing and healing. The mantras: "You are worthy." "Thank you for loving me." "You are loved." She coached me to be open and receiving - two very challenging states for me to soften into.

Once on the table, Christen gently but firmly held my ankles for some time, inducing stillness to help me relax. As I paused in stillness here, Christen later told me that she could feel me stopping my cranial rhythms for long stretches of time to facilitate a release in my deep nervous system. I experienced lengthening sensations from my hips through my toes. She then began to manipulate my ankles, flexing them and holding them. She then (painfully!) cracked and stretched out each of my toes. Although it was intense sensation, I began to reframe the experience in my mind where at the point of "pain," I concentrated ALL of my retained hurt and pain to that point and worked to release it through my toe.

That's the key to FREEDOM I believe we are all looking for on some level - to be able to let go of stored pain and trauma and open back up to the world and to all life has to offer. To deprogram all of our social and learned conditioning and to experience each moment as it unfolds without needing reference points or to categorize or label or judge. To come back to a place of wonder and amazement and appreciation. It is a space where we remain open and vulnerable.

Christen then worked up to my neck and shoulders and then to my hips and thighs. Each part of our body has a corresponding elemental association. The yang and yin are in constant motion, seeking harmony and balance always. The body also seeks to balance itself by communicating, for example hips harmonizing with shoulders. The body also contains all of the elements of earth, water, fire, air and ether, again seeking harmonious existence within.

I have a very strong yang imbalance, meaning my body must balance out its fire, high energy and heat with less DOING and more BEING. Seeking situations where I can soften and listen and receive rather than driving and striving and pushing. This is scary stuff for me! To accept that I am WORTHY exactly as I am; that my intrinsic value is unaffected by outward accomplishments, success and material possessions. In order to find this yin space, I realized that I somehow must release my big, strong, protective ball of anger.

This inner burning ball of fury has been my main survival mechanism for decades. To release it means to acknowledge the role it has played in my evolution and honor that it was what i needed at the time. But my heart's deepest desire is to exist in a space of peace, tranquility and equanimity where that anger is no longer needed. Anger is a powerful, driving energy that can be channeled to fuel success but can also be unleashed at inopportune times causing pain and wreaking havoc.

Over the next week, I felt intense throbbing sensations moving from my right psoas, through my hip and my knee. I knew it was a downward release of all the anger that had been stored in my gut and my hip and my thigh. The sensations were extremely intense, often times even painful. The thought that continually surfaced was to abandon my inner life and be fully grounded in the present.

My moods will fluctuate daily and even several times a day, but in spite of my temporary mood, I must strive to be steady in all of my interactions with others. Drop everything within and be present. So many people around me are hurting and need my support. Forget my inner thought life and be present for others. Live in THIS moment.

Stay tuned for Session 2!

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

Finding Balance

   

So my last several blog posts have been pretty fucking deep and dark and redemptive. That's where I'd been kinda stuck recently. As I look back, I kinda feel that I've been overly dramatic. I mean, seriously, whining about having to teach soooooo many yoga classes each day, every day and how it sucked my entire soul. Don't get me wrong - that's exactly what it FELT like and ALL feelings are valid. But something about putting some distance between your emotions and your reaction time lends a clearer perspective. And also the simple act of identifying your imbalances and working to correct them.

So as I dumped a bunch of classes and have had EVERY WEEKEND OFF since Memorial Day weekend, the pendulum has rapidly swung the other way!!! I've morphed back into one serious party girl again! In the city every weekend with my 20-something squad! Living life loud and fast and slightly on the edge of control.

It just feels so good to feel good again, ya know? To allow myself happiness once again. To make time for myself and my friends. To get a bit crazy and out of control. No need to go into huge details here lol! Just suffice it to say that the month of June 2016 has been round two of my 20s! Fortunately on a much more restrained level, mainly because my 20-something squad has much less energy and sense of adventure than me! Sorry Migle and Alexus - but you know I'm right!!

After working my assana off the past few years in my new career as a yoga instructor, I put almost EVERYTHING into building it. Cultivating a solid base of students. Building my own knowledge base. Rigorously trying to hang on to my personal practice. Most importantly, trying to make it financially solely through my own sweat and effort and work ethic. I've finally reached a point where the sheer FEAR of making "enough" to sustain myself has been overshadowed by exhaustion and burnout. Which turned out to be the best thing ever for me.

It has forced me to pull back. Balance it out a little more. Sometimes I don't even know how to act when I have TWO days off in a row! Saturday mornings have been when I do my "long" run, and you only show up hungover for that kind of thing ONCE - or if you're ME, TWICE. Then you soon learn to lay slightly lower on Friday nights! But it certainly beats laying low because you know you have FOUR classes to teach on Saturday. And then Saturday night you're so exhausted and crabby that it makes no sense to try to do too much.

Now, my Saturday nights are rockstar events because I've already gotten up and RUN and probably done some yoga ... guilt-free night with my squad! I've literally been in love at least three times this past month! Perhaps love isn't the best word.... But I digress.

This post is about finding balance. Isn't it something that we all struggle with? I've flown through most of my life; my only stabilizers have been relationships. Oftentimes, those of us who avoid being grounded and stable are actually running from pain. To be grounded means to be rooted in our physical bodies and that's where we store so much pain and grief and trauma. THIS is why as yogis we are always working out different emotions and coming to so many realizations about ourselves.

I get it - not all yogis are recovering heroin addicts. But through my own personal practice and my experience as an instructor, we certainly all have room to let go of some shit and find space where there once was pain, tightness, illness, regret, whatever!! 

And it all comes back to seeking balance. It's pretty easy to live in the extremes. All in or all out. Go hard or go home. Do or die. Fight or flight. Balance is standing your ground while chaos swirls around you. It's knowing when you've lost it and recalibrating yourself back to your center. It's realizing that you can do ANYTHING just not EVERYTHING. It's doing your best without beating yourself up. It's having fun while still taking care of yourself and respecting your body. It's knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

As our circumstances shift, our experiences transform us, we are forced to adapt in order to maintain our balance. And it is a constant, daily, lifelong practice. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

From My Heart to Yours

Have you ever occluded your heart? Closed it for an entire season? Shuttered it up and safely secured it and just left it alone in stillness? Have you ever done it for so many seasons, that you didn't even realize what you'd done? You just went through the motions of living and practically FORGOT you had a heart and what it felt like to FEEL?

The thing about your beautiful, amazing heart is that it is infinitely patient. It keeps beating in the background until you are STRONG enough and BRAVE enough to re-open it. It doesn't care how long or why. It waits.

You stay super busy. And work until exhaustion. You avoid it. You project onto others. You beat yourself up. Repeatedly. You attack others as a defense mechanism to keep them far away. You shove down any little murmurs from your heart with whatever is close. Food. Sugar. Alcohol. Sex. Prescription drugs. Non-prescription drugs. Shopping. You immerse yourself in the PHYSICAL practice of yoga or running or lifting or whatever. You try a new type of bodywork. You get engaged. Several times. Married a couple more. You have your chakras aligned. You do a 10 day silent retreat. You see a therapist. You have a reading done. You chant. You do a detox. You go gluten-free. You become vegan. You try all types of supplements and essential oils. You buy some more Jimmy Choos. You change careers. You become a yoga teacher. You have an Ayurvedic consultation. And on and on and on.

And then one day, you look up from the grindstone and it occurs to you: I'm fucking miserable! And you start to look a little closer at this sham of a life you've created where you've only been fooling yourself! And you start to quietly listen in stillness to hear your heart's deepest longing. It doesn't blame you for wasted days, months, years, decades. It simply reminds you of what you already knew.

And you slowly, bravely, painstakingly peel layer after layer, barrier after barrier. And once you think you're done, you realize there's so much more to peel away. So you do the work. Make some significant lifestyle changes. Let go and release those things you've been clinging to. And this generates more energy flow from your heart center. You breathe just a teeny tiny bit more deeply. Your poor battered body and mind release stored tensions, stress, traumas. You start to find more ease.

As your battered yet somehow untouched and unbreakable heart continues to be liberated, it starts emitting its lovely frequency again. And it reaches and touches other beautiful hearts that are drawn into your life. Some are new. Others have been there all along, just waiting. And your heart continues to open and shed and it literally just buoys in your chest. So light that it would float away if it wasn't for your ribcage. But now your heart KNOWS. It APPRECIATES. It is filled once again with GRATITUDE and WONDER and AMAZEMENT at well, EVERYTHING! 

And your heart finally realizes that just because someone touches your heart or plays a song on your heartstrings, that person doesn't for an iota of a second OWE you anything. You are not bound to that person for life - though the connection will always remain. That heart may have come to TEACH you a valuable lesson. Maybe YOU were their lesson. They are not responsible for your happiness or well-being. Only YOU, beautiful, strong, brave YOU have that power and that gift.

We are all here on our personal quests, our personal journeys. Unique to us. Lived and experienced by us. It is a BLESSING when someone comes along and shares part of your journey. Maybe your entire journey. Maybe one lovely soulful evening. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

The Anatomy of A Yoga Teacher Burnout

For years, even before I became a yoga teacher, my name was synonymous with yoga for those who knew me. It was a blessing and a gift for me. I've been told by other instructors that they would literally see me come alive on my mat! I'd walk into the studio in a business suit and high heels with a very serious look on my face; and then this amazing, free spirit would emerge while on my mat. I loved yoga soooooo much. It did make me feel alive; so much so that all of my free time revolved around my practice. Pretty soon, even my work schedule became affected by my ability to practice at some point during the day.

And I was an entirely different person on my mat! Happy, calm, grounded, focused and determined. My practice made me feel STRONG, capable, beautiful, light-hearted, at ease and amazing! So I took a leap of faith and signed up for teacher training. Retired from the public sector. And looked forward to long days practicing and teaching yoga - deepening my physical practice and sharing my passion and the gift of yoga to every single person in the entire world.

So, the first ingredient of yoga teacher burnout (YTB) is to say YES to every single class offered to you! The 6 ams and the 8 pms. Preferably on the SAME day. And to teach SEVEN days a week! It was a slow build, but within my first several months of teaching, I began a 22+ class a week, seven days a week teaching schedule. And I did this for  close to two years. I've blogged about the process of Letting Go of some classes as well as how I devolved from Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass so i won't go into detail on that here.

After teaching a couple of 6 am classes a week for a couple of years and then dropping them, the feeling of pure luxury and contentment in SLEEPING IN on those mornings until 6 a.m. (rather than 4:30 a.m.) is indescribable. Pure, sublime, blissful joy. It feels like the biggest gift ever! Same thing with finally taking Sundays off! Just one single day off during the week is EVERYTHING! So this new, lighter load of classes combined with a single day off during the week became my new norm. And the renewed sense of energy lasted for another year and a half.

Throughout this process, I stopped consistently practicing during my free time. The second ingredient for YTB - not renewing your source of inspiration, light and love. The bloom was faded from the rose. My mat no longer summoned me. In order to rekindle my passion, I committed myself to practicing each day for an entire year! It was my 365 Days of Yoga Journey and I learned so much about myself during that solid year.

So this new leaner schedule, 18 classes taught six days a week afforded me some breathing room. But I was still teaching all day and also evenings. I started finding a little more balance with work and life. But recently, the old burnout began to creep in again. So I gave up some evening classes late in 2015 to give myself Thursday nights off. And last month I gave up two more classes so now I no longer teach on Wednesday nights! And this Saturday will be my first Saturday not teaching four classes since 2012! This extra time and energy in my schedule has again freed up some much needed energy, positivity and released so much tension from my body.

Even though I would get huge chunks of "time off" during the day, it didn't truly feel like free time, as I was still anticipating teaching more classes during the evenings. So it still felt as though I was either teaching or getting ready to teach with still little energy leftover to carve out some leisure time for myself.

One of the biggest reasons full-time yoga teachers have to hustle so hard is because we are paid per class. We are mostly independent contractors, so most of us have no employer benefits such as health care, sick days and paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So the need to teach as many classes as humanly possible in order to survive in a field that you absolutely love is REAL. But somewhere along the way, chasing more and more classes becomes just too much. You must sacrifice to be able to physically, mentally, emotionally BRING IT each class. My biggest sacrifice has turned out to be taking truly great care of myself. Allowing myself ample time to relax and recharge. Providing myself opportunities to socialize and let my hair down in an environment that has absolutely ZERO to do with yoga. And these sacrifices have taken their toll over the past few years. Third YTB ingredient: not balancing work with the rest of your life.

I am currently down to a mere 14 classes each week, five days a week and only working two weekday evenings. This is my new normal for now. I'm allowing myself to take it light and easy this summer and see how and if my relationship with yoga can be rekindled. The biggest step for me now is to trust in the abundance of the universe to provide for me. Without having to hustle and scrape by.

And the universe does deliver! When I gave up my Thursday evening classes, I was hired to lead a private cleanse. When I gave up my Wednesday evening classes just last month, I picked up a regular weekly private. So important to trust in the abundance of life - and not get caught in the fearful cycle of scarcity. There is enough and even more than that! 

So I choose to move from love; love for myself and my well-being. I trust that everything is unfolding as it should! And I commit to using this new time and energy to once again find my inner strength. To create balance for myself. To learn new things. Build new areas of my life. The future is bright!

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

LA Yoga

Last time I was in LA (2009), I was not yet an instructor. So my perspective was definitely a lot different. In 2009, I practiced EVERY single day I was here from City Yoga in West Hollywood (don't think it's there anymore) to Exhale in Venice Beach to YogaWorks in LA and even CorePower in San Diego. Back then, I was OBSESSED with the physical practice of yoga. As my practice has deepened, my perspective has naturally shifted as well. 

As an instructor, my obsession with my physical practice has diminished greatly - I no longer measure my own sense of self-worth based on my poses; an illusion (maya) that was very dominant in my life at one point. I find my interest shifting toward my breath work (pranayama) and my meditation practice (dhyana). Oh. And actually getting to my mat to practice!!!

So it was such a checkpoint for me to come back to LA seven years later to observe shifts in my own practice and hence my life. 

DISCLAIMER: It's important for me to be perfectly clear that I have the utmost respect for all yogis- we are all in different places on our journey. ANY person that unrolls their mat and takes an opportunity to shine some light into the deepest, darkest places of their psyche and soul and hip flexors has ALL of my respect.  This blog is meant to chronicle my personal journey and is not meant to throw shade on any of my fellow yogis. Well maybe a little but only if she had it coming.

So fastforward to 2016. As I'm preparing for my 2016 spring break, I make plans to meet my yoga buddy Danny Sheu for a class. He sends me a link to an article chronicling the "8 Best Yoga Teachers" in LA. So of course, I pick the hottest dude on the list, and we go from there. No need to discuss the irony of the article itself.

I arrive at YogaWorks South Bay (with Julian) shockingly early for class! Danny says he"ll go ahead and set our mats up, so I take a quick walk over to Whole Foods to get my teenager acclimated to the area, since he'll be meandering around on his own for the next couple of hours (90 minute class).

I walk up the stairs and into YogaWorks South Bay and I'm greeted with such a warm welcome from the front desk receptionist. I'm not sure what Danny told the instructor Sean Gray about me, but he told Danny that I should practice as his guest! What a complete honor! Not to mention, I saved $22!
I walked into the studio and it looked EXACTLY like you would imagine a level 3 LA yoga class to look like! Filled with tight, toned, tanned amazing bodies. Predominantly white. Lotsa blondes. Average age of probably 30. There were a few people of color sprinkled into the mix, including Danny, me and some others. They too looked healthy and toned and VIBRANT with wellness. I felt like a fricken rebel in class when my chubby Midwest belly kept popping out of my pants!!!!

I settled onto the mat that Danny had set up for me in a seated forward fold with my eyes closed. It felt amazing to just BE on my mat. I suddenly felt and heard someone loudly smack their mat down next to me. There's an etiquette to participating in a group yoga class; generally being loud, obnoxious and disruptive is frowned upon. oh wait, that's in life, too.  I looked up and it was a skinny blond beatch with an attitude. I tried to smile at her (this was after all a YO-GAH class) and she responded by picking up a yoga towel and tossing it OVER MY HEAD onto Danny's mat next to me.

So. Here I was at a crossroad. I'd been in this scenario hundreds of times throughout my life. Different bitch. Same attitude. And except for that one time when I cowered before an older bully in middle school (or maybe BECAUSE of that) I would invariably STAND UP and GET IN A BITCH'S FACE. And trust me, the urge was so strong. But I paused. And I took a deep breath. And I ignored her.

First of all, I was in a GREAT mood and didn't want to give that cunt the power to ruin it for me. Secondly, I was the GUEST of the instructor. And thirdly, is that even a word? I was the guest of my FRIEND Danny. So I let it slide. And then Danny walks in and blondie jumps up and starts gesturing toward me. I interrupted them and asked Danny if we should switch spaces (so I wouldn't be stuck next to that rude hoe.) He said that it was fine and I could see him placating her. Whatevs. I was on my first vacay in two years and my first spring break in four. She was so not worth my time.

So as this grueling level 3 class progressed, I saw that the blond next to me had an absolutely AMAZING physical practice. She was absolutely lovely and graceful and so strong. And it just reminded me that the PHYSICAL practice means NOTHING if it doesn't pierce the layers of ego and pride and self-righteousness.  The discipline and dedication it takes to evolve the physical practice is meant to translate OFF of the mat and SPILL into your LIFE. So that you can be beautiful and graceful and lovely to actual people. Yoga is not about nailing a POSE. It's about learning the art of living.

About an hour and some change into class, we started working inversions and backbending, so I dragged my mat against the wall between two lovely yogis. At this point I was almost face to face with blondie who did not need the assistance of the wall. She busted out an absolutely breathtaking scorpion handstand (something I DREAM of one day doing possibly in this lifetime.) The thing about yoga is that the challenge of the physical practice peels away the unnecessary bullshit. So I called out to blondie and told her how beautiful her scorpion was. She responded with the tightest bitchiest whispered pastiche of a smile. Or maybe she just felt gassy from her vegan fiber-rich diet.

Against the wall, the girl to my right and I did our work in a comfortable and pleasant silent camaraderie. Then we started in a backbend facing the wall where we walked up to standing then used the wall to walk back down into backbend. The girl to my right and I were in perfect sync with our first backbend, but as I walked up the wall, she stayed down. I came back down and while we were preparing for round 2, I impulsively looked over at her and said "c'mon girl, let's do this." In perfect juxtaposition, the gorgeous young girl looked over at me and the first words she said were, "OMG, I love you so much right now. I'm so scared to do this." So we did it together and SHE DID IT for the FIRST TIME in her life. We started giggling together and chatting for the next few moments. I was just as happy for her as she was for herself. And Sean even made a comment about the two of us giggling in backbends.

We started the cooling sequence and went into our final resting pose - a well deserved savasana. After class, the young girl introduced herself and gave me the biggest hug. Her name is Helen, she must have been about 21 or 22. She asked me a ton of questions and was so disappointed when I told her I was from out of town. So though Helen does not yet have mastery of some of the more challenging poses, she ventured from her comfort zone and took Sean's level 3 class. She had been intimidated to take that class for MONTHS. And I feel so fortunate that our paths crossed because it was the perfect ending to something that had started out far less than ideal.

I caught up with Danny who introduced me to blondie; I won't call her out by name but she is actually an instructor at the studio where she was practicing next to me AND a "famous" IG yogi! She was extremely cool (ice princess not homegirl) and showed zero interest in actually meeting me. Danny later explained that he had also saved a space for her with his towel (ya know, the one she chucked straight over my head while looking me dead in my face) so she thought that I had stolen her spot. ummmmmm.... ok.

I get it. We all have bad days. We all react impulsively rather than thoughtfully at times. I'm actually glad that little incident happened, because it showed me that I always have a choice in my attitude and response, but there will ALWAYS be an unhappy person who lashes out; there will always be another BEATCH. I know that i have the discipline to take a deep breath and refuse to ENGAGE. Sometimes I can't simply walk away, I was anchored there with Danny for that entire class. And that was my yoga for the day! Maintaining my own equanimity. Still working on sending more love to people like that who probably really need it.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

What I Learned from My Uncle's Death

Tempis Fugit, Carpe Diem et Memento Mori

Time Flees, Seize the Day and Remember You Must Die

One of my favorite uncles passed away recently, which served as a reminder to me that we all must die. We tend to not want to think about DEATH - we push it away and pretend that it may just pass over our house. Yet, what could be more natural? We know that anything living must one day die. In this way Death becomes the best and greatest teacher of LIFE.

My uncle was an exceptional man; an immigrant from the Philippines to this country; a husband, father, brother, uncle and friend to so many. A physician that treated thousands, including so many back in his home country that didn't have access to proper healthcare. He served as President of the Philippine Medical Society in NYC for many years. He loved life. He was an accomplished ballroom dancer and dance teacher, even choreographing his daughter's first dance with her husband and the father-daughter dance at her wedding. He was generous and funny and kind and brilliant. The way he lived his life, full and busy and brimming with activity, was exemplary. 

His death became a celebration of his LIFE; it brought much of our family together again, a challenging feat since we are scattered in LA, Portland, Chicago and Manila. It was something that I realized I sorely needed. A homecoming to remember not only my uncle, but to remember who I am and where I come from.

Life carries on, evidenced in the next generation of our family. Within these young souls, we invest our love and our hopes and dreams for the brightness and possibilities of their limitless futures. But we are also reminded that we are still among the living, and until we take our final breath and pass on, we too have endless possibilities with our remaining days.

So attending the wake, funeral mass and cremation of my uncle was of course bittersweet. Saying goodbye to Uncle Manny was a definite reminder of my own mortality and also that of my own parents. But what a blessing to remember to appreciate the days, minutes, moments and breaths that I still have with them.

Having to take some time off also provided me with some much needed perspective of where and how I am spending my precious time and energy, and I am not entirely satisfied with what I am seeing. It literally took someone to die for me to take some time off from teaching. A funeral should not seem like a vacation, but three days off in a row - basically a long weekend - felt like I won the powerball! And I even flew home on Sunday to lead a workshop that same afternoon. 

The irony of a yoga teacher needing to find balance in her own life is not lost on me! Anyone who works their passion to make a living can relate - it becomes a hustle to make ends meet while pursuing what you know to be your dharma, your calling in life.

I've realized it's about TRUST and LETTING GO. Trusting the ABUNDANCE in life rather than getting stuck in that endless frenetic cycle of teaching as many classes as humanly possible to make more money but then collapsing in a heap at the end of the day, totally depleted and resentful.

I'm still learning the art of living from my dear departed Uncle Manny. He definitely worked hard but made family life and simply living his life and pursuing his passions a priority as well.

Tempis Fugit. Carpe Diem. et Memento Mori.
Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

21 Day Detox - FIFTH TIME

I'm on day 15 of my fifth 21 day detox. The first one was in 2012, and I did one annually in 2013 and 2014. This is my second time for 2015; the first was in January. The detox:

Vegan
No sugar
No gluten
No caffeine
No alcohol

Each time I've embarked on this journey, I've gained a keener awareness of patterns of consumption in my life. How you do anything is literally how you do anything. So observing my complex (and sometimes neurotic) relationship with food becomes a penetrating insight into all aspects of my life. 

Each cleanse is a drastically different experience, where each 21 day detox builds upon the last. Here are my insights and lessons learned.

1. Sugar, caffeine and alcohol are literally DRUGS that artificially alter moods, energy levels and even physiological responses such as bodily functions and hormone levels. Well, no DUH, right? We all KNOW that - but this time I had an acute awareness within the first day of how significantly different my body feels without those substances. It is a recognition that pierced through the mental cognition and connected with my physical body. A yoking of mind and body became a true Oprah a-ha moment. 

2. I've become aware of the distinct difference between filling myself up and truly nourishing myself. In the emotionally turbulent year I've had trying to bridge my new role as a yoga teacher with my former (and still lingering) patterns of mindlessness, I found myself consuming things that "fill up" my mind, my tummy, my time with junk rather than truly moving toward wellness and nourishment.

It's easier to go through the drive-through or grab a latte than slowing down to mindfully select how to fuel your body. This is also true with who we spend time with, how we spend our time and how we fill our minds. How many squandered minutes, hours do we devote to mindlessly scrolling the newsfeed of IG or FB or Twitter? How often do we go on autopilot to fill our time with activities and even people that don't truly nourish us?

Awareness of stale patterns is the first step to living more purposefully.

3. Complacency and comfort are oftentimes the enemies. Sticking to the status quo or living out of habit rather than true mindfulness and awareness is so much easier, more comfortable and safe. But is that the way you want to live your life? If the answer is yes, then I am happy that you are happy. But there is something within me that has been resisting the notion of societally defined success as my definition of success. Sure, in my lower moments, I realize that I could easily take the blue Matrix pill and try to return to a life where I am comfy, financially stable; or I could find a man to rescue me and take care of me (this old horse still has a few races left in her!); but I'm much more fulfilled when I can comprehend the true nature of self-reliance: that IS my stability, that is my ease and comfort and security. I can rely on myself to excel and to survive. This knowledge allows me to cease the endless cycle of worry, doubt and fear.

4. I've begun to pierce through my own layers of self-perception and realize that some of my own assumptions of myself are no longer valid! We like to label others and categorize them so they can neatly fit into our little mental world that we've constructed. We do this for safety reasons; we want to have control over our lives and those people and situations that enter our orbit must be controlled and safely and neatly dealt with and put away. We do this with ourselves too! Based on our past experiences, usually experiences that have hurt us or made us feel vulnerable, humiliated, sad, we construct mental parameters that define who we are. Based on this mental image, our minds work extremely hard to alter our perception of reality in order to protect our mental world.

I've come to realize that my own self-image is so dramatically tied to my interactions with others and their perceptions of me! This cleanse has provided so much clarity to me in the arena - how so much of my behavior and my reactions and interactions are tied to "expectations" and learned behavior. I've been slowly peeling away layer after layer to discover that I am so much more grounded and stable than I once thought or was told. 

5. Food and alcohol tends to be an agent of complacency and conformity. After all, we just want to be liked! And to fit in. To be accepted by friends, family, peers and colleagues. Much of ourconditioned socializing  surrounds eating and drinking! 

My previous forays  into cleansing included a lot of self-seclusion to stay strong and avoid temptation. This go-round I've found myself sharing many meals with friends where I'm truly not tempted at all by the crap they shovel into their bodies. 😂😂😂 

I've also responded to invitations to meet for coffee or tea with a yes, let's get together, but how about we walk instead? Or take a yoga class together? 

Each moment, each breath, each experience provides the opportunity to break the old patterns of habit before they become chains of dependency and slavery. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

Liberation

One thing I have learned is that my only true chance at liberation is to face my fears and EXPOSE them to render them powerless over me. This blog is an integral step in this process for me. Oftentimes, facing our fears isn't a tremendous act of bravery but rather just being tired of being stuck in a certain situation fabricated and intensified by the mind.

For those of you that have read my Fat Yoga Teacher blog, you are aware of the challenges I've been facing regarding weight gain and body image. The struggle is REAL, even for (especially for) a professional yoga instructor.  And I am frankly tired of beating myself up and being so critical and mean and judgey toward my body! I am tired of my self-esteem being so intricately tied into how I look and most importantly how I perceive others to judge me or be attracted to me (or not) for my physical shell.  <<< it's exhausting being so neurotic. not exactly sure what I just said.

I am tired of feeling bad about my body because it's not 22 anymore and it's not as tiny or firm or conventionally "attractive" or "sexy" as the media tells me it should be. As I tell myself it should be. So as an act of liberation, I exposed my body in a bikini on a paddle board in the midst of a public lake. Without the crutches of shorts or a coverup. 

This was super scary stuff for me. But it also felt amazingly liberating! Doing yoga requires a lot of bending over and twisting and other movements that make you feel vulnerable and exposed - but doing them in a bikini in the middle of a lake while the instructor paddles around taking pictures takes it to the next level.

But it felt really good to accept my body exactly as it is - focusing on how strong and capable it is rather than the optics of it. We are our own worst critics! The horrible things that we say to ourselves we wouldn't even dream of saying to those we care about or even to perfect strangers.

So let's liberate ourselves, ladies! Let's stop judging ourselves and other women based on their looks! Let's stop looking at the extremely doctored images in ads and feeling inferior! Let's transform our ATTITUDES towards our bodies and let our bodies be free of judgment and perceived shortcomings. Let's stop conforming to conventional wisdom of beauty and appreciating it in ALL shapes, sizes, colors. Let's enjoy foods that we love without GUILT or punishment. Let's move our bodies in ways that feel good; nourish our bodies in ways that produce happiness; speak of our bodies only in reverence.

Once we start LOVING our own bodies with all its perceived flaws and imperfections, the less threatened we will feel by others. What we see in ourselves is what we also see in others. How we judge ourselves is how we judge others.

Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!

Naked. Dark. And Floating.

                              

In my continual exploration of the mind-body connection, I took the opportunity to go to Annica Float Club in Naperville and experience an hour in a sensory deprivation tank also called a flotation tank. 

Tell me more, you say?  Basically, you float in a dark, soundproof tank in skin temperature water in which 1,000 pounds of Epsom salts have been dissolved. The benefits reported are mental, emotional, psychological and physical. I won't list the numerous benefits here - if you're interested, there's TONS of information out there. Many professional and Olympic athletes use float tanks to increase performance, prevent injuries, dramatically reduce muscle recovery time and most importantly improve visualization of success. Others with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, stress and many other health related ailments find lasting relief through floating.

I wasn't sure what to expect - it sounded super relaxing. The added bonus is that the owners of Annica Float are fellow Vipassana mediators - so it was definitely worth an hour of my day.

So, I arrived at Annica Float Club and met the lovely owner Lindsay. We sat and chatted for a few minutes as I signed the requisite release forms; then she gave me a tour and made sure I was prepped for my float.

I popped in some ear plugs and took a quick shower in order to remove any oils and residues from my body. I then stepped into the float room which was a warm, quiet, private bath spa. I rested on my back and floated right on top of the dense salt water. 

I think it took me a few minutes - don't know for sure, because I felt like I was in a time and space vaccuum! - to soften and relax. Interestingly, the most challenging part to relax was my neck! Eventually, through calm steady breathing, I felt my neck soften and the back of my head and ears sank below the surface of the water. All I could hear was the sound of my breath. 

Once you find a comfortable position, it is recommended that you float in stillness. As I ceased moving my body, I felt the sensation of my arms just naturally floating above my head. It was so calming and relaxing! There is a dim blue light that is on in the tank which I opted to switch off so that I could float in total darkness. Some time was spent in feeling each tiny twitch and itch in my body, especially on my face. I practiced watching the sensations without reacting to them, overcoming the urge to move and fidget.

Soon, all I heard was the sound of my heart beating. The steady, rhythmic source of my life, and I thought to myself, "No wonder I love the beat of drums so much; it reminds me of my heartbeat! or maybe it reminds me of hearing my mother's heartbeat while I lived in her womb." 

The sensation of the body temperature water that I floated in and the surrounding air temperature that was equally maintained created a sensation of not knowing where my skin ended and the water began. Soon, I lost connection to my body - which is only a temporary vehicle anyway - realizing that my mind still existed. So I started watching the randomness of my thoughts which is exactly what my meditation practice entails. After a few moments of acknowledging the surfacing of some obscure memories, I felt an overwhelming sense of just BEING. A total transcendence of owning or wanting any possessions and the urge to DO or achieve. Just floating in the darkness with such a sense of peace and tranquility. Simply BEING.

Another interesting part of this experience was my total lack of fear in the pitch blackness. I still run through my house when it's pitch black with this unfounded fear of what is unseen behind me - usually the boogeyman or a serial killer. In this darkness, I found no fear; only peace enveloped me. As in some of my meditations, there is a swirling and patterning of colors around the space between my eyebrows. I experienced that while floating, and I opened my eyes; and I could still clearly see the swirling color energies. I had a moment where I couldn't be sure if my eyes were really open or not.

At this point, my mind started to stir again. I began to anticipate the lights coming back on, signaling the end of my session. Although Lindsay recommended total stillness, I began small wavelike motions with my body, feeling so light and lithe in the heavy water. That motion triggered a vague feeling of nausea, much like motion sickness. Soon after, the lights went on and started flashing, ending my floating session.

I stirred from my float in a dream-like state. Stepping right out of the float spa directly into the shower to remove the heavy Epsom salt from my body and hair. I got dressed and was greeted by Lindsay in the reception area where we sipped some lovely herbal tea together and discussed the float and all aspects of life.

I left feeling a bit in a trance state, still processing this amazing experience! I definitely plan to go back again! Now that my mind and body are accustomed to the experience, I hope to access deeper theta states.

Is this meditative, healing therapy for you? 

I would definitely recommend it if you are interested in:

the metaphysical

a holistic approach to health and wellness

releasing stress, insomnia, anxiety

relieving chronic pain

Annica! Annica! Annica!!! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!!

I Got Cupped!

Cupping is an ancient Eastern practice where cups made of either glass, plastic or bamboo are placed on strategic areas of the energetic body (either with heat or manually pumped) to stimulate areas of tissue that have become blocked. The suction of the cups (which are applied from 5-20 minutes) clears stagnant lymphs by drawing toxins to the surface from deep tissues and increases blood circulation to those blocked areas.

It looks much worse than it feels!! Cupping has been around for thousands of years and can be traced back to ancient China and Egypt. It has gained popularity once again in the West thanks to celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham. You also may have noticed many Olympic athletes with the tell-tale cup-hickies on their bodies. Cupping therapy is now widely used by many physical therapists and massage therapists for a wide range of injuries.

I've practiced yoga and meditation regularly for the past decade and have included massage therapy as part of my wellness program for that time frame as well. I'm always exploring holistic and alternative approaches to wellness. I chose to get cupped to address some specific areas of pain in my body. I've had chronic right shoulder pain and tightness for more than a decade now, which I once thought was caused by stress. I also experience tightness in my right psoas and occasionally I have sciatic pain.  All on the right side of my body.

So how exactly does it work? The creation of negative pressure (suction) softens tight muscles, loosens areas of dehydration and lifts connective tissues in order to hydrate body tissues with increased hydration of blood and lymphs. The toxins that are raised are then drained by the lymphatic pathways. It essentially awakens areas of the body that have been blocked and stagnant creating invigoration and a profound and prompt level of healing, creating smooth and healthy glowing skin.

The application of the cups feels like an intense pinching sensation that lessens over time. I felt a great sense of relief and release when the cups were removed!

The marks left by the cupping procedure vary on individuals based on the level of toxicity in the body. They are not painful, and while mine look like large bruises or hickeys, they are not tender to the touch. The red purplish color is supposed to be dead blood that was brought to the surface.

I felt fine after my cupping procedure - it was after a 60 minute foot and body massage, so my muscles and connective tissues had been cleared out and circulation was ripe for the procedure. It wasn't until several hours later, once I was home and relaxed, that I began to feel the effects.

I'd had a pretty active and full day, but nothing more than my normal daily routine. I was hit by a sensation of exhaustion and nausea, so I soaked in a long, luxurious bubble bath for several minutes.  I had a reaction similar to an allergy attack, where my nasal passages felt inflammed and clogged. 

I then sat to meditate and felt strong, thick pulsation sensations coursing through my shoulders and neck into my sinus cavities. Then my nasal passages suddenly released, and I blew my nose every few minutes for a couple of hours - it was thin, clear liquid. I am guessing it was my lymphatic system draining additional toxins. I also urinated (sorry if this is TMI!) gallons of liquid during that time frame!

At that point I began to roll my neck in circles in both directions, and I could hear a ton of crunchiness in my neck. After I stopped rolling my neck, I took a deep breath in. My nasal passages felt clear and I experienced an amazing feeling of clarity, of a rush of pure oxygen right into my brain. My vision sharpened and I felt blood coursing throughout my entire body, including my psoas and right down to my feet.

It was an amazing sensation of lightness and sharpness. I slept like a baby all night, and when I woke up, my right shoulder felt amazing! Still some lingering tightness in my right psoas, but it feels a lot longer. And no sciatic pain! 

There are many true believers of cupping, and of course, many skeptics. I believe in the power of the mind and body connection. I believe that we have to take charge of our health, wellness and happiness. I believe that variety is the spice of life! I still believe in magic, too!

Annica! Annica! Annica!! be happy be happy be happy 

Fat Yoga Teacher - How I Went From Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass

This has been a really challenging topic for me to tackle. It's ever so complicated. I've gained more than 30 pounds in about a year as a full-time yoga instructor!

How does that even happen? Excellent question. Over the past year, while I've considerably amped up my physical activity, I've also quit smoking, ceased taking my ADHD meds, removed virtually every stressor in my life and substantially slowed my life down. My social life has virtually been at a standstill. (Don't feel sorry for me - everything has been intentional and mindful!)

My poor body has had to detox sooooo much stress and anxiety and tension. My adrenal glands are just now getting over their shock at the abruptness of my lifestyle shift. 

Oh yeah. I almost forgot.  I've been eating like a pregnant teenage boy. Yeah. Exactly. 

So that covers the mechanics of me adding the equivalent of a three-year-old to my yogi physique. Now, let's tackle the impact it has had on my self-esteem!

I was shipped halfway around the world by myself for high school. I was made fun of because I wasn't white when I was a kid. I've been divorced, cheated on, betrayed, lied to,  arrested (ha!) physically assaulted, humiliated, fired from a job, injured, used, abused; I've survived an emergency crash landing when I was a flight attendant and bedbugs. I've been depressed, lonely, sad, unhappy, filled with shame and fear and dread and regret. I've lived and worked with hostile conditions and chronic anger and stress.  But my ego and pride have always remained strong and fully intact. So how interesting is it that something so superficial as gaining weight is what finally cracked me wide open! 

I have struggled so much over the past year with my weight gain and become so aware of how it's inextricably linked to my feeling of self-worth. I've come to realize how pride in my physical appearance has always given me an extra boost of confidence when walking into a room filled with strangers. How no matter what happened to me in life, I always knew I had my wits and looks and charm and charisma to fall back on. 😐

So smugly I thought I was winning at life in 2012 and 2013! I left the rat race far behind. I got to: travel (before I became a POOR yoga teacher - that's an entirely different future blog); do yoga all day; actually get PAID to share my yoga obsession; idle away hours of downtime between classes at the pool or steam room or napping or relaxing. Ha! Poor suckers out there, was my frequent thought. 

Well. My laughing and gloating soon faded at the advent of 2014. I was burnt out. Teaching two dozen classes each week, seven days a week. I was too exhausted to do anything when I wasn't teaching - I literally couldn't wait to get home,  bathe (entirely optional), crash on my sofa and shovel comfort foods into my face. I had no desire or interest to socialize. And as the weight kept creeping on (my ass and boobs, but still!) it became a vicious cycle. 

I have always been an extremely social person, and until 2014, I've never felt nor looked nor acted my age! Last year was a huge crash and burn (literally crashed my Mercedes in 2013, my body followed in 2014). I spent most of last year vacillating between feeling sorry for myself and loathing every inch of my body. I tried cleansing, dieting, integral bodywork (actually gained 10 more pounds during that process) and even an ayurvedic consultation.

My energy level was seriously low, and I was generally miserable. My 365 yoga challenge helped me re-connect with my body in a new way. As my approach toward myself softened and I was more tolerant and kind to myself, there was a huge shift in my teaching and my interpersonal relationships as well. As I learned to be accepting of myself and struggled to love myself - and there was a whole lot more to love - I was able to become so much more compassionate and understanding toward my students. I truly knew what it felt like to be broken and sad and hopeless. Lots and lots of restorative classes allowed me the opportunity to slow down, feel my angst and nourish and repair myself. 

My extra weight caused physical limitations in my practice - twists and forward folds became so much more challenging and uncomfortable. So I can now understand those who come to their mats with a little extra weight, and how I can help them modify!

Everything is truly a lesson in life. Becoming a fatass has taught me sooooo much. 

Compassion 

Acceptance

To get over appearances and really focus on what matters!

Kindness

Tolerance

Sensitivity to others

And most importantly: humility!!! Going from yoga bitch to yoga fatty has humbled me to my core! And it's made me so much more mindful of my body's needs. And so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life.

While 2014 was to date the most challenging year of my life, I am so grateful that I had all of those experiences because it has added so much depth into my life.

Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!!

365 Days of Yoga - Lessons Learned

I just wrapped up my 365 day commitment to yoga; initially my goal was to show up on my mat in a yoga class each day for a year. Why on Earth would a yoga teacher need to do a 365 day yoga challenge?

One thing that I didn't factor in when I quit my big girl job to become a yoga teacher was how my personal practice would be affected. I had envisioned hours upon hours of both practicing on my mat and teaching daily. Well when I was teaching 25 hours of yoga classes each week, seven days a week,  shockingly, I really had neither the desire nor the energy for a physical practice.

I burnt out pretty quickly; I began doubting my decision to become a yoga teacher after just a year of teaching full-time. Which is when and why I decided to re-commit to my mat for one year and try to reignite my passion and love for this thing called yoga.

Here are the biggest lessons I've learned from this challenge:

1. HOLISTIC. Yoga transcends the physical. While my physical practice may have languished, I slowly realized my other seven yogic limbs had grown and deepened. Yoga is an eight-limbed path, where the physical asanas comprise just 12.5% of the entire yogic practice. I had been focusing so heavily on the physical practice that I hadn't realized how yoga had cracked me open in so many other ways! I was delving more deeply and trying to practice the yamas (morality); niyamas (personal conduct); conscious breathing and meditating; withdrawing from the external senses and cultivating inner awareness; seeking a greater union with the Divine. 

Yoga is not about unrolling your mat and twisting into a pretzel. That's the tool that we use to cultivate heightened awareness OFF of our mats. The lessons that we learn from the physical practice are to be integrated off of the mat. I had been doing this but not even thinking to call it yoga! It was missing the forest for the trees.

2. BALANCE. Yoga is about seeking balance. It's about walking the middle path. Avoiding extremes. It doesn't get more extreme than forcing yourself upon your yoga mat each day for a year! Well, I already knew how to be INTENSE. I already knew how to PUSH myself to my limits, how to GRIND it out. 

What I learned this past year was how to PULL BACK when I needed to without feeling like a failure. I learned to be KIND and FORGIVING of myself and my limitations. I learned to ACCEPT exactly where I happened to be in each moment. And I realized that I was good enough regardless of whether or not I unrolled my mat in a yoga class or not.

3. INTRINSIC VALUE. I really learned to accept my intrinsic value as a human being, a manifestation of God's perfection and love. For my entire life, I'd measured myself based on achievements, successes and my physical appearance. My value was linked to so many external factors as a way to validate my existence, which resulted in feelings of both inferiority and superiority in comparison to others. (Mostly superiority!!!)

This past year, I have found myself truly beginning to tune out the external noise - other people's opinions and expectations and, more importantly, my flawed perception of other people's opinions and expectations. For the first time, I allowed myself to sink into child's pose during a vinyasa class. Formerly, I would power my way through, even when I probably could have used the rest. For the first 100 or so days of this challenge, there were many times that I would crawl to my mat and sleep for the better part of an hour! There was a time that would have filled me with a sense of shame, embarrassment and a harsh judgement of myself. It is quite liberating to follow your intuition rather than your ego!

4. SUBSTANCE. I moved away from optics and moved toward substance. The visual image of a beautiful yoga pose is certainly pleasing to the eye, but the culmination of a certain pose is really the smaller view. The big picture stuff in yoga is finding equanimity, precision, focused breath work and contentment in a pose. It's having balanced awareness of all of the sensations in a pose, especially the more subtle ones.

It's having the confidence in myself that I am moving in the right direction in my life and in my practice without focus on how it appears to others or what it "looks like." I'm no longer comparing myself and my practice to others. I'm competing with myself to be the best that I can be; not in the hopes of impressing or winning over others but with the intention to honor God with devotion, gratitude and service to others.

5. COMMITMENT. I've realized that I am totally and completely committed to my practice, because I have finally totally and completely committed to MY LIFE. I've spent my entire life afraid to truly commit, always feeling that there was something bigger and better out there for me. And there always was. But the problem with living with the philosophy of constant striving for  something "better" or different or more exciting is that it is never enough. You get caught in a cycle of misery - yearning for something better, receiving a false and fleeting feeling of contentment when you get it and then the cycle starts again. And repeats. Again and again and again. Until your happiness is no longer in your control - it's owned by all of the advertising and marketing people trying to sell you something!

The truth is that all that I have been seeking and looking and yearning for from external sources could never provide true happiness and satisfaction. That is my job. And it's an inside job. My commitment is to trust in a higher purpose and surrender to life as it unfolds. That doesn't mean to give up or to cease efforts to improve; it means to move forward with RIGHT EFFORT and NON-ATTACHMENT. Never giving up and always letting go.

Yoga is a path toward self-realization. My practice has transformed as I have transformed. My expectation to sustain the same intensity of my physical practice does a disservice to the deepening of the other seven limbs of yoga. My 365 day commitment to my mat was successful because the World Is My Yoga Mat. My practice is not limited to being in a hot, sweaty room for an hour each day.

So grateful for the past 365 days. Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! BE HAPPY! be happy!

Merging in traffic

Who would have thought getting called a fucking cunt would serve as a milestone in my spiritual journey?

Last week, I was heading to take a yoga class and merging with the flow of traffic onto the expressway.  Suddenly this normal looking white male in an SUV sped up, pulled right next to me, blocked me from merging in front of him, opened his window and shouted at the top of his lungs: "Get outta my way you fucking cunt!" There was so much rage and anger and actual saliva spewing in my direction, I was literally stunned!

In that split milisecond, between the stimulus of his venomous outburst and before I knee-jerk reacted, I had a huge revelation: I had broken a deep sanskara. Not so long ago, I would have matched his anger with my own, spewing profanities back at him that would have made a sailor blush. Moreover, at one point, I would have been HIM, snarling and personally affronted that an unknown driver deigned to merge in front of ME! And truth be told, a little bit of anger sparked somewhere deep within me, but it sputtered and never really had the juice to fully ignite.

Even with the sheer force of his rage sitting squarely in my chest, I really felt sorry for him. I immediately smiled and hit my brakes so that he could triumphantly pull in front of me. And I merged behind him and kept moving to the far left lane to leave his negative energy far, far behind me. In his epic battle to outmaneuver me, he got stuck in a pocket of traffic while I sailed away to take my beloved 90 minute level 3 yoga class taught by the iconic Carla Cooper.

The force of his energy lingered with me, but my heart remained light and unaffected by his obvious pain and misery. Eventually,  the energy dissipated, leaving me with the certain revelation that my long term pursuit of the ever-elusive equanimity was proving fruitful.

The thousands of hours I've spent on my mat, relentlessly strengthening my parasympathetic nervous system, has finally begun to take root. The truth is that I feel sorry for that man. It was 8:30 on a Thursday morning, and he was absolutely miserable as he fought for his lowly position in the cattle call on the Eisenhower.  He clearly was not looking forward to going to work. I'm speculating that he worked in a stressful environment filled with pressure, and his aggression toward me was nothing more than his sense of feeling trapped, impotent, unappreciated, overlooked and ultimately unfulfilled.

How many of us live like this each day? Stuck in a place that we absolutely know doesn't honor our highest, best, shiniest selves? Yet we stay. (Safe and unfulfilled, cause it's good enough. That's an entirely different blog post  about Taking Risks.)  In some, like that guy driving the SUV and me, that discontentment is externalized, we lash out at those around us. Others, I've found, wouldn't dream of hurting others, but internalize their anger and hurt themselves.

We may manifest differently, but when we scratch the surface, pain and fear are the culprits. Once we tap into our own source of pain, insecurities, fear, anger and shame, we are able to recognize it in others. And find compassion for them. Shared emotions bond us together as humanity - when you've felt anger and rage, you understand what it tastes like to a person as they are experiencing it. It tastes exactly the same for all of us - we just learn to express it or repress it. And recently I have found a third option: to let it pass without reacting to it or internalizing. Just letting it sit and eventually dissipate.

And the truth is, who knows how I'll react the next time this type of situation arises? I'll just continue to take it one breath at a time, learning each step of the way.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

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