Fat Yoga Teacher - How I Went From Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass

This has been a really challenging topic for me to tackle. It's ever so complicated. I've gained more than 30 pounds in about a year as a full-time yoga instructor!

How does that even happen? Excellent question. Over the past year, while I've considerably amped up my physical activity, I've also quit smoking, ceased taking my ADHD meds, removed virtually every stressor in my life and substantially slowed my life down. My social life has virtually been at a standstill. (Don't feel sorry for me - everything has been intentional and mindful!)

My poor body has had to detox sooooo much stress and anxiety and tension. My adrenal glands are just now getting over their shock at the abruptness of my lifestyle shift. 

Oh yeah. I almost forgot.  I've been eating like a pregnant teenage boy. Yeah. Exactly. 

So that covers the mechanics of me adding the equivalent of a three-year-old to my yogi physique. Now, let's tackle the impact it has had on my self-esteem!

I was shipped halfway around the world by myself for high school. I was made fun of because I wasn't white when I was a kid. I've been divorced, cheated on, betrayed, lied to,  arrested (ha!) physically assaulted, humiliated, fired from a job, injured, used, abused; I've survived an emergency crash landing when I was a flight attendant and bedbugs. I've been depressed, lonely, sad, unhappy, filled with shame and fear and dread and regret. I've lived and worked with hostile conditions and chronic anger and stress.  But my ego and pride have always remained strong and fully intact. So how interesting is it that something so superficial as gaining weight is what finally cracked me wide open! 

I have struggled so much over the past year with my weight gain and become so aware of how it's inextricably linked to my feeling of self-worth. I've come to realize how pride in my physical appearance has always given me an extra boost of confidence when walking into a room filled with strangers. How no matter what happened to me in life, I always knew I had my wits and looks and charm and charisma to fall back on. 😐

So smugly I thought I was winning at life in 2012 and 2013! I left the rat race far behind. I got to: travel (before I became a POOR yoga teacher - that's an entirely different future blog); do yoga all day; actually get PAID to share my yoga obsession; idle away hours of downtime between classes at the pool or steam room or napping or relaxing. Ha! Poor suckers out there, was my frequent thought. 

Well. My laughing and gloating soon faded at the advent of 2014. I was burnt out. Teaching two dozen classes each week, seven days a week. I was too exhausted to do anything when I wasn't teaching - I literally couldn't wait to get home,  bathe (entirely optional), crash on my sofa and shovel comfort foods into my face. I had no desire or interest to socialize. And as the weight kept creeping on (my ass and boobs, but still!) it became a vicious cycle. 

I have always been an extremely social person, and until 2014, I've never felt nor looked nor acted my age! Last year was a huge crash and burn (literally crashed my Mercedes in 2013, my body followed in 2014). I spent most of last year vacillating between feeling sorry for myself and loathing every inch of my body. I tried cleansing, dieting, integral bodywork (actually gained 10 more pounds during that process) and even an ayurvedic consultation.

My energy level was seriously low, and I was generally miserable. My 365 yoga challenge helped me re-connect with my body in a new way. As my approach toward myself softened and I was more tolerant and kind to myself, there was a huge shift in my teaching and my interpersonal relationships as well. As I learned to be accepting of myself and struggled to love myself - and there was a whole lot more to love - I was able to become so much more compassionate and understanding toward my students. I truly knew what it felt like to be broken and sad and hopeless. Lots and lots of restorative classes allowed me the opportunity to slow down, feel my angst and nourish and repair myself. 

My extra weight caused physical limitations in my practice - twists and forward folds became so much more challenging and uncomfortable. So I can now understand those who come to their mats with a little extra weight, and how I can help them modify!

Everything is truly a lesson in life. Becoming a fatass has taught me sooooo much. 

Compassion 

Acceptance

To get over appearances and really focus on what matters!

Kindness

Tolerance

Sensitivity to others

And most importantly: humility!!! Going from yoga bitch to yoga fatty has humbled me to my core! And it's made me so much more mindful of my body's needs. And so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life.

While 2014 was to date the most challenging year of my life, I am so grateful that I had all of those experiences because it has added so much depth into my life.

Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!!