21 Day Detox - FIFTH TIME

I'm on day 15 of my fifth 21 day detox. The first one was in 2012, and I did one annually in 2013 and 2014. This is my second time for 2015; the first was in January. The detox:

Vegan
No sugar
No gluten
No caffeine
No alcohol

Each time I've embarked on this journey, I've gained a keener awareness of patterns of consumption in my life. How you do anything is literally how you do anything. So observing my complex (and sometimes neurotic) relationship with food becomes a penetrating insight into all aspects of my life. 

Each cleanse is a drastically different experience, where each 21 day detox builds upon the last. Here are my insights and lessons learned.

1. Sugar, caffeine and alcohol are literally DRUGS that artificially alter moods, energy levels and even physiological responses such as bodily functions and hormone levels. Well, no DUH, right? We all KNOW that - but this time I had an acute awareness within the first day of how significantly different my body feels without those substances. It is a recognition that pierced through the mental cognition and connected with my physical body. A yoking of mind and body became a true Oprah a-ha moment. 

2. I've become aware of the distinct difference between filling myself up and truly nourishing myself. In the emotionally turbulent year I've had trying to bridge my new role as a yoga teacher with my former (and still lingering) patterns of mindlessness, I found myself consuming things that "fill up" my mind, my tummy, my time with junk rather than truly moving toward wellness and nourishment.

It's easier to go through the drive-through or grab a latte than slowing down to mindfully select how to fuel your body. This is also true with who we spend time with, how we spend our time and how we fill our minds. How many squandered minutes, hours do we devote to mindlessly scrolling the newsfeed of IG or FB or Twitter? How often do we go on autopilot to fill our time with activities and even people that don't truly nourish us?

Awareness of stale patterns is the first step to living more purposefully.

3. Complacency and comfort are oftentimes the enemies. Sticking to the status quo or living out of habit rather than true mindfulness and awareness is so much easier, more comfortable and safe. But is that the way you want to live your life? If the answer is yes, then I am happy that you are happy. But there is something within me that has been resisting the notion of societally defined success as my definition of success. Sure, in my lower moments, I realize that I could easily take the blue Matrix pill and try to return to a life where I am comfy, financially stable; or I could find a man to rescue me and take care of me (this old horse still has a few races left in her!); but I'm much more fulfilled when I can comprehend the true nature of self-reliance: that IS my stability, that is my ease and comfort and security. I can rely on myself to excel and to survive. This knowledge allows me to cease the endless cycle of worry, doubt and fear.

4. I've begun to pierce through my own layers of self-perception and realize that some of my own assumptions of myself are no longer valid! We like to label others and categorize them so they can neatly fit into our little mental world that we've constructed. We do this for safety reasons; we want to have control over our lives and those people and situations that enter our orbit must be controlled and safely and neatly dealt with and put away. We do this with ourselves too! Based on our past experiences, usually experiences that have hurt us or made us feel vulnerable, humiliated, sad, we construct mental parameters that define who we are. Based on this mental image, our minds work extremely hard to alter our perception of reality in order to protect our mental world.

I've come to realize that my own self-image is so dramatically tied to my interactions with others and their perceptions of me! This cleanse has provided so much clarity to me in the arena - how so much of my behavior and my reactions and interactions are tied to "expectations" and learned behavior. I've been slowly peeling away layer after layer to discover that I am so much more grounded and stable than I once thought or was told. 

5. Food and alcohol tends to be an agent of complacency and conformity. After all, we just want to be liked! And to fit in. To be accepted by friends, family, peers and colleagues. Much of ourconditioned socializing  surrounds eating and drinking! 

My previous forays  into cleansing included a lot of self-seclusion to stay strong and avoid temptation. This go-round I've found myself sharing many meals with friends where I'm truly not tempted at all by the crap they shovel into their bodies. 😂😂😂 

I've also responded to invitations to meet for coffee or tea with a yes, let's get together, but how about we walk instead? Or take a yoga class together? 

Each moment, each breath, each experience provides the opportunity to break the old patterns of habit before they become chains of dependency and slavery. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

Liberation

One thing I have learned is that my only true chance at liberation is to face my fears and EXPOSE them to render them powerless over me. This blog is an integral step in this process for me. Oftentimes, facing our fears isn't a tremendous act of bravery but rather just being tired of being stuck in a certain situation fabricated and intensified by the mind.

For those of you that have read my Fat Yoga Teacher blog, you are aware of the challenges I've been facing regarding weight gain and body image. The struggle is REAL, even for (especially for) a professional yoga instructor.  And I am frankly tired of beating myself up and being so critical and mean and judgey toward my body! I am tired of my self-esteem being so intricately tied into how I look and most importantly how I perceive others to judge me or be attracted to me (or not) for my physical shell.  <<< it's exhausting being so neurotic. not exactly sure what I just said.

I am tired of feeling bad about my body because it's not 22 anymore and it's not as tiny or firm or conventionally "attractive" or "sexy" as the media tells me it should be. As I tell myself it should be. So as an act of liberation, I exposed my body in a bikini on a paddle board in the midst of a public lake. Without the crutches of shorts or a coverup. 

This was super scary stuff for me. But it also felt amazingly liberating! Doing yoga requires a lot of bending over and twisting and other movements that make you feel vulnerable and exposed - but doing them in a bikini in the middle of a lake while the instructor paddles around taking pictures takes it to the next level.

But it felt really good to accept my body exactly as it is - focusing on how strong and capable it is rather than the optics of it. We are our own worst critics! The horrible things that we say to ourselves we wouldn't even dream of saying to those we care about or even to perfect strangers.

So let's liberate ourselves, ladies! Let's stop judging ourselves and other women based on their looks! Let's stop looking at the extremely doctored images in ads and feeling inferior! Let's transform our ATTITUDES towards our bodies and let our bodies be free of judgment and perceived shortcomings. Let's stop conforming to conventional wisdom of beauty and appreciating it in ALL shapes, sizes, colors. Let's enjoy foods that we love without GUILT or punishment. Let's move our bodies in ways that feel good; nourish our bodies in ways that produce happiness; speak of our bodies only in reverence.

Once we start LOVING our own bodies with all its perceived flaws and imperfections, the less threatened we will feel by others. What we see in ourselves is what we also see in others. How we judge ourselves is how we judge others.

Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!

Naked. Dark. And Floating.

                              

In my continual exploration of the mind-body connection, I took the opportunity to go to Annica Float Club in Naperville and experience an hour in a sensory deprivation tank also called a flotation tank. 

Tell me more, you say?  Basically, you float in a dark, soundproof tank in skin temperature water in which 1,000 pounds of Epsom salts have been dissolved. The benefits reported are mental, emotional, psychological and physical. I won't list the numerous benefits here - if you're interested, there's TONS of information out there. Many professional and Olympic athletes use float tanks to increase performance, prevent injuries, dramatically reduce muscle recovery time and most importantly improve visualization of success. Others with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, stress and many other health related ailments find lasting relief through floating.

I wasn't sure what to expect - it sounded super relaxing. The added bonus is that the owners of Annica Float are fellow Vipassana mediators - so it was definitely worth an hour of my day.

So, I arrived at Annica Float Club and met the lovely owner Lindsay. We sat and chatted for a few minutes as I signed the requisite release forms; then she gave me a tour and made sure I was prepped for my float.

I popped in some ear plugs and took a quick shower in order to remove any oils and residues from my body. I then stepped into the float room which was a warm, quiet, private bath spa. I rested on my back and floated right on top of the dense salt water. 

I think it took me a few minutes - don't know for sure, because I felt like I was in a time and space vaccuum! - to soften and relax. Interestingly, the most challenging part to relax was my neck! Eventually, through calm steady breathing, I felt my neck soften and the back of my head and ears sank below the surface of the water. All I could hear was the sound of my breath. 

Once you find a comfortable position, it is recommended that you float in stillness. As I ceased moving my body, I felt the sensation of my arms just naturally floating above my head. It was so calming and relaxing! There is a dim blue light that is on in the tank which I opted to switch off so that I could float in total darkness. Some time was spent in feeling each tiny twitch and itch in my body, especially on my face. I practiced watching the sensations without reacting to them, overcoming the urge to move and fidget.

Soon, all I heard was the sound of my heart beating. The steady, rhythmic source of my life, and I thought to myself, "No wonder I love the beat of drums so much; it reminds me of my heartbeat! or maybe it reminds me of hearing my mother's heartbeat while I lived in her womb." 

The sensation of the body temperature water that I floated in and the surrounding air temperature that was equally maintained created a sensation of not knowing where my skin ended and the water began. Soon, I lost connection to my body - which is only a temporary vehicle anyway - realizing that my mind still existed. So I started watching the randomness of my thoughts which is exactly what my meditation practice entails. After a few moments of acknowledging the surfacing of some obscure memories, I felt an overwhelming sense of just BEING. A total transcendence of owning or wanting any possessions and the urge to DO or achieve. Just floating in the darkness with such a sense of peace and tranquility. Simply BEING.

Another interesting part of this experience was my total lack of fear in the pitch blackness. I still run through my house when it's pitch black with this unfounded fear of what is unseen behind me - usually the boogeyman or a serial killer. In this darkness, I found no fear; only peace enveloped me. As in some of my meditations, there is a swirling and patterning of colors around the space between my eyebrows. I experienced that while floating, and I opened my eyes; and I could still clearly see the swirling color energies. I had a moment where I couldn't be sure if my eyes were really open or not.

At this point, my mind started to stir again. I began to anticipate the lights coming back on, signaling the end of my session. Although Lindsay recommended total stillness, I began small wavelike motions with my body, feeling so light and lithe in the heavy water. That motion triggered a vague feeling of nausea, much like motion sickness. Soon after, the lights went on and started flashing, ending my floating session.

I stirred from my float in a dream-like state. Stepping right out of the float spa directly into the shower to remove the heavy Epsom salt from my body and hair. I got dressed and was greeted by Lindsay in the reception area where we sipped some lovely herbal tea together and discussed the float and all aspects of life.

I left feeling a bit in a trance state, still processing this amazing experience! I definitely plan to go back again! Now that my mind and body are accustomed to the experience, I hope to access deeper theta states.

Is this meditative, healing therapy for you? 

I would definitely recommend it if you are interested in:

the metaphysical

a holistic approach to health and wellness

releasing stress, insomnia, anxiety

relieving chronic pain

Annica! Annica! Annica!!! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!!

I Got Cupped!

Cupping is an ancient Eastern practice where cups made of either glass, plastic or bamboo are placed on strategic areas of the energetic body (either with heat or manually pumped) to stimulate areas of tissue that have become blocked. The suction of the cups (which are applied from 5-20 minutes) clears stagnant lymphs by drawing toxins to the surface from deep tissues and increases blood circulation to those blocked areas.

It looks much worse than it feels!! Cupping has been around for thousands of years and can be traced back to ancient China and Egypt. It has gained popularity once again in the West thanks to celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham. You also may have noticed many Olympic athletes with the tell-tale cup-hickies on their bodies. Cupping therapy is now widely used by many physical therapists and massage therapists for a wide range of injuries.

I've practiced yoga and meditation regularly for the past decade and have included massage therapy as part of my wellness program for that time frame as well. I'm always exploring holistic and alternative approaches to wellness. I chose to get cupped to address some specific areas of pain in my body. I've had chronic right shoulder pain and tightness for more than a decade now, which I once thought was caused by stress. I also experience tightness in my right psoas and occasionally I have sciatic pain.  All on the right side of my body.

So how exactly does it work? The creation of negative pressure (suction) softens tight muscles, loosens areas of dehydration and lifts connective tissues in order to hydrate body tissues with increased hydration of blood and lymphs. The toxins that are raised are then drained by the lymphatic pathways. It essentially awakens areas of the body that have been blocked and stagnant creating invigoration and a profound and prompt level of healing, creating smooth and healthy glowing skin.

The application of the cups feels like an intense pinching sensation that lessens over time. I felt a great sense of relief and release when the cups were removed!

The marks left by the cupping procedure vary on individuals based on the level of toxicity in the body. They are not painful, and while mine look like large bruises or hickeys, they are not tender to the touch. The red purplish color is supposed to be dead blood that was brought to the surface.

I felt fine after my cupping procedure - it was after a 60 minute foot and body massage, so my muscles and connective tissues had been cleared out and circulation was ripe for the procedure. It wasn't until several hours later, once I was home and relaxed, that I began to feel the effects.

I'd had a pretty active and full day, but nothing more than my normal daily routine. I was hit by a sensation of exhaustion and nausea, so I soaked in a long, luxurious bubble bath for several minutes.  I had a reaction similar to an allergy attack, where my nasal passages felt inflammed and clogged. 

I then sat to meditate and felt strong, thick pulsation sensations coursing through my shoulders and neck into my sinus cavities. Then my nasal passages suddenly released, and I blew my nose every few minutes for a couple of hours - it was thin, clear liquid. I am guessing it was my lymphatic system draining additional toxins. I also urinated (sorry if this is TMI!) gallons of liquid during that time frame!

At that point I began to roll my neck in circles in both directions, and I could hear a ton of crunchiness in my neck. After I stopped rolling my neck, I took a deep breath in. My nasal passages felt clear and I experienced an amazing feeling of clarity, of a rush of pure oxygen right into my brain. My vision sharpened and I felt blood coursing throughout my entire body, including my psoas and right down to my feet.

It was an amazing sensation of lightness and sharpness. I slept like a baby all night, and when I woke up, my right shoulder felt amazing! Still some lingering tightness in my right psoas, but it feels a lot longer. And no sciatic pain! 

There are many true believers of cupping, and of course, many skeptics. I believe in the power of the mind and body connection. I believe that we have to take charge of our health, wellness and happiness. I believe that variety is the spice of life! I still believe in magic, too!

Annica! Annica! Annica!! be happy be happy be happy 

Fat Yoga Teacher - How I Went From Yoga Badass to Yoga Fatass

This has been a really challenging topic for me to tackle. It's ever so complicated. I've gained more than 30 pounds in about a year as a full-time yoga instructor!

How does that even happen? Excellent question. Over the past year, while I've considerably amped up my physical activity, I've also quit smoking, ceased taking my ADHD meds, removed virtually every stressor in my life and substantially slowed my life down. My social life has virtually been at a standstill. (Don't feel sorry for me - everything has been intentional and mindful!)

My poor body has had to detox sooooo much stress and anxiety and tension. My adrenal glands are just now getting over their shock at the abruptness of my lifestyle shift. 

Oh yeah. I almost forgot.  I've been eating like a pregnant teenage boy. Yeah. Exactly. 

So that covers the mechanics of me adding the equivalent of a three-year-old to my yogi physique. Now, let's tackle the impact it has had on my self-esteem!

I was shipped halfway around the world by myself for high school. I was made fun of because I wasn't white when I was a kid. I've been divorced, cheated on, betrayed, lied to,  arrested (ha!) physically assaulted, humiliated, fired from a job, injured, used, abused; I've survived an emergency crash landing when I was a flight attendant and bedbugs. I've been depressed, lonely, sad, unhappy, filled with shame and fear and dread and regret. I've lived and worked with hostile conditions and chronic anger and stress.  But my ego and pride have always remained strong and fully intact. So how interesting is it that something so superficial as gaining weight is what finally cracked me wide open! 

I have struggled so much over the past year with my weight gain and become so aware of how it's inextricably linked to my feeling of self-worth. I've come to realize how pride in my physical appearance has always given me an extra boost of confidence when walking into a room filled with strangers. How no matter what happened to me in life, I always knew I had my wits and looks and charm and charisma to fall back on. 😐

So smugly I thought I was winning at life in 2012 and 2013! I left the rat race far behind. I got to: travel (before I became a POOR yoga teacher - that's an entirely different future blog); do yoga all day; actually get PAID to share my yoga obsession; idle away hours of downtime between classes at the pool or steam room or napping or relaxing. Ha! Poor suckers out there, was my frequent thought. 

Well. My laughing and gloating soon faded at the advent of 2014. I was burnt out. Teaching two dozen classes each week, seven days a week. I was too exhausted to do anything when I wasn't teaching - I literally couldn't wait to get home,  bathe (entirely optional), crash on my sofa and shovel comfort foods into my face. I had no desire or interest to socialize. And as the weight kept creeping on (my ass and boobs, but still!) it became a vicious cycle. 

I have always been an extremely social person, and until 2014, I've never felt nor looked nor acted my age! Last year was a huge crash and burn (literally crashed my Mercedes in 2013, my body followed in 2014). I spent most of last year vacillating between feeling sorry for myself and loathing every inch of my body. I tried cleansing, dieting, integral bodywork (actually gained 10 more pounds during that process) and even an ayurvedic consultation.

My energy level was seriously low, and I was generally miserable. My 365 yoga challenge helped me re-connect with my body in a new way. As my approach toward myself softened and I was more tolerant and kind to myself, there was a huge shift in my teaching and my interpersonal relationships as well. As I learned to be accepting of myself and struggled to love myself - and there was a whole lot more to love - I was able to become so much more compassionate and understanding toward my students. I truly knew what it felt like to be broken and sad and hopeless. Lots and lots of restorative classes allowed me the opportunity to slow down, feel my angst and nourish and repair myself. 

My extra weight caused physical limitations in my practice - twists and forward folds became so much more challenging and uncomfortable. So I can now understand those who come to their mats with a little extra weight, and how I can help them modify!

Everything is truly a lesson in life. Becoming a fatass has taught me sooooo much. 

Compassion 

Acceptance

To get over appearances and really focus on what matters!

Kindness

Tolerance

Sensitivity to others

And most importantly: humility!!! Going from yoga bitch to yoga fatty has humbled me to my core! And it's made me so much more mindful of my body's needs. And so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life.

While 2014 was to date the most challenging year of my life, I am so grateful that I had all of those experiences because it has added so much depth into my life.

Annica! Annica! Annica! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY! BE HAPPY!!

365 Days of Yoga - Lessons Learned

I just wrapped up my 365 day commitment to yoga; initially my goal was to show up on my mat in a yoga class each day for a year. Why on Earth would a yoga teacher need to do a 365 day yoga challenge?

One thing that I didn't factor in when I quit my big girl job to become a yoga teacher was how my personal practice would be affected. I had envisioned hours upon hours of both practicing on my mat and teaching daily. Well when I was teaching 25 hours of yoga classes each week, seven days a week,  shockingly, I really had neither the desire nor the energy for a physical practice.

I burnt out pretty quickly; I began doubting my decision to become a yoga teacher after just a year of teaching full-time. Which is when and why I decided to re-commit to my mat for one year and try to reignite my passion and love for this thing called yoga.

Here are the biggest lessons I've learned from this challenge:

1. HOLISTIC. Yoga transcends the physical. While my physical practice may have languished, I slowly realized my other seven yogic limbs had grown and deepened. Yoga is an eight-limbed path, where the physical asanas comprise just 12.5% of the entire yogic practice. I had been focusing so heavily on the physical practice that I hadn't realized how yoga had cracked me open in so many other ways! I was delving more deeply and trying to practice the yamas (morality); niyamas (personal conduct); conscious breathing and meditating; withdrawing from the external senses and cultivating inner awareness; seeking a greater union with the Divine. 

Yoga is not about unrolling your mat and twisting into a pretzel. That's the tool that we use to cultivate heightened awareness OFF of our mats. The lessons that we learn from the physical practice are to be integrated off of the mat. I had been doing this but not even thinking to call it yoga! It was missing the forest for the trees.

2. BALANCE. Yoga is about seeking balance. It's about walking the middle path. Avoiding extremes. It doesn't get more extreme than forcing yourself upon your yoga mat each day for a year! Well, I already knew how to be INTENSE. I already knew how to PUSH myself to my limits, how to GRIND it out. 

What I learned this past year was how to PULL BACK when I needed to without feeling like a failure. I learned to be KIND and FORGIVING of myself and my limitations. I learned to ACCEPT exactly where I happened to be in each moment. And I realized that I was good enough regardless of whether or not I unrolled my mat in a yoga class or not.

3. INTRINSIC VALUE. I really learned to accept my intrinsic value as a human being, a manifestation of God's perfection and love. For my entire life, I'd measured myself based on achievements, successes and my physical appearance. My value was linked to so many external factors as a way to validate my existence, which resulted in feelings of both inferiority and superiority in comparison to others. (Mostly superiority!!!)

This past year, I have found myself truly beginning to tune out the external noise - other people's opinions and expectations and, more importantly, my flawed perception of other people's opinions and expectations. For the first time, I allowed myself to sink into child's pose during a vinyasa class. Formerly, I would power my way through, even when I probably could have used the rest. For the first 100 or so days of this challenge, there were many times that I would crawl to my mat and sleep for the better part of an hour! There was a time that would have filled me with a sense of shame, embarrassment and a harsh judgement of myself. It is quite liberating to follow your intuition rather than your ego!

4. SUBSTANCE. I moved away from optics and moved toward substance. The visual image of a beautiful yoga pose is certainly pleasing to the eye, but the culmination of a certain pose is really the smaller view. The big picture stuff in yoga is finding equanimity, precision, focused breath work and contentment in a pose. It's having balanced awareness of all of the sensations in a pose, especially the more subtle ones.

It's having the confidence in myself that I am moving in the right direction in my life and in my practice without focus on how it appears to others or what it "looks like." I'm no longer comparing myself and my practice to others. I'm competing with myself to be the best that I can be; not in the hopes of impressing or winning over others but with the intention to honor God with devotion, gratitude and service to others.

5. COMMITMENT. I've realized that I am totally and completely committed to my practice, because I have finally totally and completely committed to MY LIFE. I've spent my entire life afraid to truly commit, always feeling that there was something bigger and better out there for me. And there always was. But the problem with living with the philosophy of constant striving for  something "better" or different or more exciting is that it is never enough. You get caught in a cycle of misery - yearning for something better, receiving a false and fleeting feeling of contentment when you get it and then the cycle starts again. And repeats. Again and again and again. Until your happiness is no longer in your control - it's owned by all of the advertising and marketing people trying to sell you something!

The truth is that all that I have been seeking and looking and yearning for from external sources could never provide true happiness and satisfaction. That is my job. And it's an inside job. My commitment is to trust in a higher purpose and surrender to life as it unfolds. That doesn't mean to give up or to cease efforts to improve; it means to move forward with RIGHT EFFORT and NON-ATTACHMENT. Never giving up and always letting go.

Yoga is a path toward self-realization. My practice has transformed as I have transformed. My expectation to sustain the same intensity of my physical practice does a disservice to the deepening of the other seven limbs of yoga. My 365 day commitment to my mat was successful because the World Is My Yoga Mat. My practice is not limited to being in a hot, sweaty room for an hour each day.

So grateful for the past 365 days. Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! BE HAPPY! be happy!

Merging in traffic

Who would have thought getting called a fucking cunt would serve as a milestone in my spiritual journey?

Last week, I was heading to take a yoga class and merging with the flow of traffic onto the expressway.  Suddenly this normal looking white male in an SUV sped up, pulled right next to me, blocked me from merging in front of him, opened his window and shouted at the top of his lungs: "Get outta my way you fucking cunt!" There was so much rage and anger and actual saliva spewing in my direction, I was literally stunned!

In that split milisecond, between the stimulus of his venomous outburst and before I knee-jerk reacted, I had a huge revelation: I had broken a deep sanskara. Not so long ago, I would have matched his anger with my own, spewing profanities back at him that would have made a sailor blush. Moreover, at one point, I would have been HIM, snarling and personally affronted that an unknown driver deigned to merge in front of ME! And truth be told, a little bit of anger sparked somewhere deep within me, but it sputtered and never really had the juice to fully ignite.

Even with the sheer force of his rage sitting squarely in my chest, I really felt sorry for him. I immediately smiled and hit my brakes so that he could triumphantly pull in front of me. And I merged behind him and kept moving to the far left lane to leave his negative energy far, far behind me. In his epic battle to outmaneuver me, he got stuck in a pocket of traffic while I sailed away to take my beloved 90 minute level 3 yoga class taught by the iconic Carla Cooper.

The force of his energy lingered with me, but my heart remained light and unaffected by his obvious pain and misery. Eventually,  the energy dissipated, leaving me with the certain revelation that my long term pursuit of the ever-elusive equanimity was proving fruitful.

The thousands of hours I've spent on my mat, relentlessly strengthening my parasympathetic nervous system, has finally begun to take root. The truth is that I feel sorry for that man. It was 8:30 on a Thursday morning, and he was absolutely miserable as he fought for his lowly position in the cattle call on the Eisenhower.  He clearly was not looking forward to going to work. I'm speculating that he worked in a stressful environment filled with pressure, and his aggression toward me was nothing more than his sense of feeling trapped, impotent, unappreciated, overlooked and ultimately unfulfilled.

How many of us live like this each day? Stuck in a place that we absolutely know doesn't honor our highest, best, shiniest selves? Yet we stay. (Safe and unfulfilled, cause it's good enough. That's an entirely different blog post  about Taking Risks.)  In some, like that guy driving the SUV and me, that discontentment is externalized, we lash out at those around us. Others, I've found, wouldn't dream of hurting others, but internalize their anger and hurt themselves.

We may manifest differently, but when we scratch the surface, pain and fear are the culprits. Once we tap into our own source of pain, insecurities, fear, anger and shame, we are able to recognize it in others. And find compassion for them. Shared emotions bond us together as humanity - when you've felt anger and rage, you understand what it tastes like to a person as they are experiencing it. It tastes exactly the same for all of us - we just learn to express it or repress it. And recently I have found a third option: to let it pass without reacting to it or internalizing. Just letting it sit and eventually dissipate.

And the truth is, who knows how I'll react the next time this type of situation arises? I'll just continue to take it one breath at a time, learning each step of the way.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

.

21 Day Detox - Take FOUR

                                             

I recently completed my fourth annual 21 Day Detox. Now, let me preface this by saying that I LOVE to eat. This is not a juice cleanse and there are no supplements to purchase. It's 21 days of clean, fresh, organic whole foods. So I EAT - in fact last year I actually gained TWO pounds while cleansing my body! I found a loophole called endless guacamole. But I digress.

So, here is what the cleanse entails: for 21 days,

Vegan

Gluten Free

No sugar 

No caffeine

No alcohol

This go-round I have been able to cultivate a heightened awareness of how complexly interwoven the mind, body and spirit actually are.  Food has been my final frontier - my last 'screw you' to accepting the reality of my age, my life, my path. Seems pretty dramatic, I know, but my life has been one serious act of rebellion after another. This detox has cleansed my body, my mind and allowed me to release a great deal of stored emotions. 

Along with my heightened awareness of HOW food affects my body and my psyche, I've also become extremely mindful of what and when I will eat. I used to eat on the fly, grabbing whatever sounded good at the time and justifying it because, well, I am after all, a yoga teacher! I would eat 95% of my meals in restaurants or cafes or at Whole Foods hot deli bar! This fourth cleanse has developed a wonderful new habit of COOKING!!! I'm actually loving the process of selecting fresh, organic whole foods and preparing them. It makes meal time so much more nourishing and enjoyable. I can truly appreciate what I am putting in my body and what the ramifications are.

Week One: PHYSICAL. 

This is where I experienced the physical sensations of no longer having certain addictive substances in my body. The reaction is IMMEDIATE. Headaches for the first several days. Physical exhaustion - crashing without all of that caffeine to sustain me. And the DETOX is real. Once sugar, wheat and dairy are removed, which are all inflammatories, the cells return to their natural state and a flood of toxins are released from virtually every pore and orifice in your body. Let's leave it at that. 

The positive results are also immediate. By day two, my skin feels amazing! Smooth and hydrated. Mainly because I am drinking tons and tons of water rather than diet coke and coffee which dry out my skin. My achy joints feel immediate relief. And my circadian rhythm has start to reset itself. Easily falling asleep at night before midnight and waking up refreshed and well-rested. And I feel lean and clean!

Week Two: MENTAL.

Once the physical symptoms have dissipated, I start to uncover the mental addictions to sugar, caffeine, gluten, processed foods. Our relationship to food is probably one of the most complex relationships in our lives. We NEED food to survive, but so often we use food as a drug or a mental crutch rather than what it is intended for: to provide fuel for our bodies, to act as a medicine to heal and strengthen and nourish.  

This week brings a more subtle awareness of my urges and demonstrates that I am not my cravings or my thoughts or even my bodily sensations. It took me to a deeper level than the mental appetites and compulsions. It allowed me to find a more stable, steady space where I could observe the onset of seemingly urgent cravings and justifications and calmly watch them disperse again. Of course, this mental practice translates to so much more than food.....

Week Three: EMOTIONAL

Early in the morning on Day 19, Jeff and I were watching videos of Julian when he was three, four and five years old. I sobbed my eyes out from 7:30 a.m. through noon of that day. Literally. After driving Julian to school, I looked at more old photos of him. Then I went to YBD and saw Stacey and Sarah and was sobbing and telling them to appreciate every single moment with their young children. Then Loreta comes into the studio and I'm sobbing throughout class. As in, crying so hard I couldn't unscrunch my face!!! Spent another half hour after class with the three of them. Loreta somehow made it about HER and her three kids (ROTFL) and even told me that a psychotherapist told her that  a boy must figuratively kill his mother in order to become a man. (not helpful, Lotus!! lol) Stacey and Loreta had to leave for their other classes and Sarah and I spent another hour changing each other's emotional diapers. 

Seeing those old videos really triggered an emotional response of how fleeting life is and how our biggest challenge as human beings is the act of letting go and accepting life exactly as it unfolds. While my mind was focused on how much my little baby boy has grown into such a handsome young teenager, who really knows what other emotional baggage was being relinquished? And more importantly, who cares? I felt such a sense of lightness and liberation.

So it's been a full week since my cleanse completed. I'm slowly adding one thing at a time back in to see what makes my body thrive rather than what satisfies a temporary craving. Food no longer controls me, and I can still enjoy bringing nourishment to my body. It's the daily, arduous process of letting go of each and every thing that does not serve living a life to your highest and best self. Let it go!!!

Another Lesson In Letting Go

I've been teaching yoga seven days a week for more than a year and a half. At one point I was teaching 22 classes each week, seven days a week. I was opening studios with 6 a.m. classes and closing them with 8 p.m. classes. In between, I'd pick up privates and sub extra classes. I was on full-on yoga beast mode and flying! Totally aware of the amazing BLESSING of actually making a living  doing what I love. Somewhere along the way, I looked up and realized that I was pretty close to HATING yoga. I had crashed and burnt and was lying there smoldering for some time before I even noticed.

So I decided to lighten my load up a teeny bit. No more 6 a.m.s. I gave up some classes that required more travel and picked up some closer classes. I am now down to a more manageable 18 classes each week and still teaching seven days a week.

My next move is to carve out ONE day per week where I don't teach any classes. This has been a struggle. I love all of my classes and all of my students and all of the people I work with like 99.999 percent; but Sunday seemed a great day to have off - if the Lord rested on Sunday, certainly I should as well! 

I've been trying to get someone to pick up my 10 a.m. sculpt class for MONTHS. Apparently, all of these other teachers already got the day of rest memo! Meanwhile, I went to talk to Monica, my angel, my mentor, my role model to give up my 12:30 p.m. Sunday class at LifeTime Warrenville. We sat and chatted for an hour (that's how Monica is! she's so amazing and supportive and just plain interesting to talk to!). When I got up to leave, we had decided to change the format of my 12:30 class to restorative and see how that worked. People are LOVING the restorative class. People NEED the restorative class. In the meantime, I told Stacey Z., the yoga coordinator, that I'd love to get on the schedule during the week and would consider swapping out of my Sunday class. 

So, a bit of background here, I am deeply attached to Monica and the LTF Warrenville community because I practiced there five to six times each week before I ever became a yoga instructor. Monica hired me fresh out of yoga teacher training and offered me my very first class - the Sunday 12:30 p.m. class. The fact that she hired me so GREEN, with only an audition and total faith in my potential is unheard of. Monica has built that yoga program into one of the best in the entire nation specifically by hiring rock star teachers with oodles of experience. She took a HUGE chance on me and believed in me and my abilities. Another layer of attachment! I built that class up to 65 students each week at one point! It was my first baby. It means EVERYTHING to me. 

So. On Wednesday of this week, Stacey came to the studio a few minutes before my 9:30 a.m. gushing how she had given away my 12:30 p.m. and put me on the schedule on Wednesday during the day. She was super excited (she generally is! lol) and was so happy for ME to finally have one day off. And this is where this attachment thing kicks in......I was PISSED! I couldn't believe she gave my class away! My baby! The class that I've poured my heart and soul into! So I mustered "can we talk about this later" and she went into the studio.

As I walked toward the studio myself to start class, there was a swirl of emotions going on inside of me. I paused to witness what was actually happening. My dear, dear friend Stacey was trying to help me lighten my workload, mainly because I ASKED her to, but also because she cares about me and knows I absolutely NEED at least one day off during the week at this point in my career. I stepped back a bit further and asked myself, So why was I so angry? 

And it hit me plain as day that I was angry because a teeny part of me was clinging onto that class to cling onto a part of my life that no longer existed. By teaching that class once a week, I was back at that club, part of that amazing yoga community! But I realized that that part of my life, when I was at that club each weekday on my lunch hour to practice; where I had three of Julian's birthday parties; where I would lay out at the pool all summer ... was over.  I wasn't at all angry at Stacey. I was just afraid to admit that things had shifted significantly in my life. And once I understood where those energies were coming from, I felt incredibly light and free.

Stacey was in child's pose in class, and I went to her mat to give her some love and communicate my gratitude and appreciation for her. What a blessing to teach a yoga class in my state of openness and lightness. I received many comments from students after all of my Wednesday classes about the amazing energy they felt. One student even told me he felt "so joyful" practicing that day.

After class, I told Stacey basically everything I blogged here. And she told me to look at it from the perspective of how far I've come and that I am now in a position to give up some classes in order to make time for myself. I couldn't agree more! 

So what about that 10 a.m. sculpt class, you may be wondering. Another shift, I am now co-leading yoga sculpt teacher training at Yoga By Degrees. Which means, by next Tuesday, we'll have some ROCK STAR sculpt teachers online and ready to rumble!

So starting in February, my Saturday nights are OPEN! Who wants to take me out to celebrate? 48 Saturdays open in 2015.... text me!