CRASH

                             

Life is always giving us exactly what we need when we need it. Such a difficult truth to remember when LIFE is throwing some challenging lessons at you.

I just completed five years as a full time yoga instructor, and I've been taking a trip down memory lane to SIGNIFICANT moments on this teaching path.

One HUGE lesson came on June 21, 2013. The Summer Solstice. Big day in the yoga world! I'd been teaching less than a year and still at a place where I was pretty much saying YES to any opportunity floated my way. Perpetually swiping RIGHT.....

So on this day, I was slated to teach beginning at 8 am - poolside yoga at Lifetime Fitness in Warrenville all the way through to a joint collab with my great friend Brian Dunn at 8 p.m. at Lifetime Fitness in Burr Ridge.

I was flying HIGH! Feeling so damn lucky to be teaching my art and my passion and making an impact in people's lives.  And I had reached a crossroad - my old way of living converging into this new path where I truly wanted to live and embody my yoga. But, at that time, I felt so many remnants of this 'former' existence were holding me in limbo.With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that those little lifestyle choices are actually irrelevant to what truly matters. But I could not see that at the time.

At that juncture, I was still driving a sweet, sporty black Mercedes which back then brought my human ego so much pleasure and it was such a beautiful, smooth and powerful machine. But I found myself feeling a bit self-conscious as I would walk out of a studio chatting with students and stop short so they wouldn't see my car. Who cares right? At the time, I did for some inexplicable reason.

So for a few months I'd been seriously thinking about getting a different car, but it was a fleeting thought as I was so busy teaching like crazy that I didn't attache a ton of concernment to it.

So back to the summer solstice of 2013. After a full day of teaching yoga and after a lovely dinner with Brian and some of our students, I headed home. Happy but pretty exhausted. As I was racing home to rest knowing in less than 8 hours I'd be teaching another four classes, I switched lanes and too late saw the car in front of me!!! 

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! 

I rear-ended the poor guy in front of me. Both sets of airbags engaged: shins and chest from the steering wheel. The front hood popped open! Literally the HAND OF GOD must have been on my steering wheel to guide my totaled car safely across three lanes of traffic to the side of the road. I was discombobulated. Somehow, not sure how long it took, I disengaged my seat belt, crawled to the passenger side of the car, opened the door and literally spilled out onto the ground. I was groping around for my cell phone to call 911 - I couldn't even remember that I had locked it in my glove box to avoid distractions for my exhausted drive home.

And then my Angel appeared. Her name is Char. She witnessed the entire accident, took the next exit and circled back around to check on me. By the time I was in a heap at the side of the road, she had already called 911 and was by my side. A complete stranger. And the best friend I could have hoped for in that moment of my life.

As I searched frantically for my cell phone to call 911, she calmly informed me that she had already done so. She said she witnessed the entire accident and the man did not have his lights on, which explains why I didn't see him! I finally located my phone and was contacting MB roadside assistance, knowing fully well that they would send a flatbed tow truck and that at past midnight on a Friday night, there would be about a 2 hour wait. All I could think of was that I had to be at work in just a few short hours!

As I was on my phone call, the fireman/paramedic was yelling at me to get in the ambulance so he could check me out. I didn't want to delay the tow truck process, so I was trying to wrap up my call. I was becoming agitated by the dick-like behavior of this "first-responder," and before I could even muster a reaction, there was my Angel Char again having my back. She told him she would bring my right into the ambulance as soon as we dispatched the tow truck to the scene.

My other concern was that I didn't have health insurance. City of Naperville had graciously extended my Cobra coverage for me, however, it was nearly $1,000 per month at that time! Another struggle of the free-wheeling, happy-go-lucky lifestyle of a full time yoga instructor - lots of passion and gratification, but not much financial compensation. However, he checked me out and wanted to rush me to the emergency room. At this point my shins were severely bruised and triple their size. But I foolishly still believed I was teaching four classes in a few hours, so I refused to go.

So now I was just waiting for the tow truck, and at this point the Trooper said he would have to leave for another call but he was concerned about leaving me at the side of the road. Char stepped in (yes, she was still there!) and promised the officer she would wait with me for my ride. So I sat in her car and just began thinking about who the heck I could call at what was now past 1 a.m. Mind you, this was 2013, just before the advent of Uber and Lyft! Before I could formulate any viable thoughts - you quickly figure out who your true friends are when you are IN NEED) - Char offered to wait with me and drive me home!! Which she did!

                           

So as I finally got home well past 2 am, so grateful for Char and to God for allowing me to walk  (hobble) away from a huge crash, it slowly dawned on me that I was in no shape to teach the next morning. I quickly shot out emails to Brian (he covered my 8 am at Lifetime) and to the lovely teachers and managers at Yoga By Degrees. My classes were covered and I was able to REST.

                                       

The biggest lesson that I learned from this CRASH was how futile it is to WORRY. God/Universe (whatever you BELEIVE in) will always provide exactly what you NEED exactly WHEN you need it. It is the truth, you guys!

                              

ABUNDANCE is surrounding YOU ALWAYS! No need to worry. Let go of your FEARS. Open your HEART and TRUST and BELIEVE that you are right where you need to be. Just always do your best in any given moment. Everything else will be sorted out. Continue to do your DHARMA and you will get exactly what you need and deserve.

Anicca! Anicca! Anicca! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!









  

Dead Branches

                                        

                                         

I was walking in the forest preserve as I love to do these days. It helps me feel more connected to reality and to practice the art of mindfulness. For me, it's an attempt to EMPTY my mind - to mentally flatline so I can see and feel and hear and taste and smell what's REAL.

As I was admiring the magnificent sounds and sights all around me - especially the TREES! I could stare at their shapes and growth patterns and majesty for hours upon hours - I noticed a beautiful tree that was almost unremarkable amongst the legions of other trees where it grew. Except that it had a huge dead branch.

The dead branch just hung there, slung across much of the tree. Dead weight. Heavy. The image was the perfect analogy for knowing when to hold em, when to fold em. When to ... you know the song right?

Recently, there was someone who came into my life quite unexpectedly, and we became very close very quickly. A fast friendship that brought immense happiness and laughter and joy with it!

You've experienced that too, haven't you? In fact, many of my friendships and relationships begin with a spark and a bang! (Not necessarily that kind of bang, gee-zus - wtf is wrong with you?) 

It was such a blessing. Truly. Until it wasn't. 

I have come to believe through my personal experience that each chance encounter and connection is never an accident. It's always an opportunity to learn, grow and I think in this situation, this person came into my life to help me heal. 

Spending time with this person began to trigger some deeply rooted fears and long forgotten past situations that had never been dealt with and certainly never released or healed. 

Memories from my past surfaced that had been buried deeply. I've realized that most of my life has been experienced through a state of survival mode. Just getting through each day in tact with as little damage as possible. 

I think that's why we yogis oftentimes appear unstable and emotional. Because as we start to deprogram from the narratives that have been ingrained in us, as we open up and re-connect within, all of our "shit" surfaces. We are constantly dredging it up and trying to let it go. 

Relationships obviously have the same effect. The more vulnerable we become, the scarier it gets. And it's my job to look deeper and figure out how to fix myself. It's also my job to know when to pour more energy and hope into growing something beautiful or when to recognize the branch is already dead.  

Once I made the decision to sever the ties to this relationship, I felt an immediate lightness throughout my entire body. My heart, mind, shoulders; everything felt light. It was as if all the energy I was pouring into the dead branch was redirected back into my own body in order to heal. 

What had been a relationship that brought me back to life, had shifted dramatically into a source of sadness, confusion and just overall feelings of shittiness. 

There's no one to blame here. I think we both cared deeply for one another. And I of course still care deeply.  So much gratitude for this mate to my soul for elevating my consciousness and leading me towards healing. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

21 Day Detox - for the SEVENTH TIME

                                     

Since 2012, I've SEVEN times done a 21 day detox where I remove all animal proteins, sugar, caffeine, alcohol and gluten. Each time I've approached this cleanse with resistance and resignation. My first time was during my 200 hour teacher training - talk about resistance - I think I drank and smoked MORE during that first time just because I could. And because fuck you, you can't tell me what to eat and drink!

The next six times, believe it or not, I actually led groups of people through this same cleanse. Because of my accountability to lead each group, I actually resisted less and strived to be a good example. But I still felt a bit out of my element, as I didn't truly practice what I was preaching outside of the 21 day window.

Each time I've cleansed, I can honestly say that I was able to make some modest shifts. But I would always, always, always intentionally go right back to sugar, caffeine, animal proteins, alcohol and gluten. Never was there a thought to NOT do that. The 21 days was more of an act of discipline and will power rather than an attempt to make permanent lifestyle shifts.

This last cleanse, however, and FINALLY was totally different. I was READY for it. I NEEDED it. I was actually looking forward to it in order to find some boundaries and structure in my life. I was even more prepared for it, because I had canceled the previous one set for Fall 2016. And it has truly made all of the difference.

How you do anything is how you do everything, so taking something as complex and constant as your daily habits and rituals surrounding food can be an amazing opportunity for insight and awareness. If you are truly open to it. And finally, I truly was READY.

To where and what can I attribute this shift? Firstly, it's probably a function of age: you know, we just can't abuse our bodies like we did when we were younger! I was horribly unhealthy in my 20s and 30s in terms of nutrition and getting enough sleep, water, exercise, etc.  but still maintained a tight, lean body somehow! As I became more engrossed in my practice in my late 30s and early 40s, I can honestly say I was definitely in the best shape of my life. And I was still eating bullshit and had really unhealthy habits like hardcore caffeine, alcohol and smoking. Secondly, I didn't afford myself any downtime. I was always on the GO. GO. GO. GO.

Well if you have read my Fat Yoga Teacher blog, you know what happened from there. Crash. And Burn. I am a true believer in the mind-body connection. As I look back on the time of my burnout, I can very clearly see that I so badly needed to be GROUNDED. All of that frenetic energy was circulating around with no stability or structure or direction. And the only method that my poor body had to effectively slow me down was to literally pack 30 lbs of weight on my 5'2' frame! The weight gain and the exhaustion finally caused me to slam the brakes. And it forced me to take a long, hard look at where I was. And to understand how and why I got there.

And I stayed there for some time. It's been almost two years, and I'm finally seeing a glimmer of hope again. I know, I know - so flippen dramatic, right? But I totally trust in the process of life. These past two years, I've learned about my introverted side. How amazing it is to actually sit home by myself and RELAX! How the constant chaos and drama was actually just a deflection technique to avoid doing the real inner work.

I used to think that nobody loved me more than ME. I denied myself NOTHING. I indulged myself on every whim and desire. If I wanted chocolate, I would eat it and enjoy it guilt free. If I wanted a new pair of ridiculously expensive shoes (or a handbag, or a suit, or a dress, or whatever!) I would be on a mission until I got it. Usually as a gift. :-) I would blow off things and people and anything else that didn't suit me. I always looked out for myself - or so I told myself!

During this last cleanse, it became so apparent to me that indulging myself is not truly loving myself - it is feeding my EGO. I'm just now, four and a half decades into this life, beginning to truly love myself. And it is a constant, daily struggle! But cleaning up how I nourish my body has allowed some clarity into other aspects of my life. While I've always been pretty damn good at cutting people out of my life that don't uplift me, I'm getting better at walking away from situations that don't support my long-term growth. Like, giving up several classes (and income) in order to have sufficient time to rest, re-charge and balance my life out in other areas.

I've also been able to determine how EASILY and AUTOMATICALLY and MINDLESSLY I've used food as a drug, an elixir, a temporary distraction, a panacea. And on the flip side, I am so aware of how FUCKING GOOD my body feels when filled with clean fuels! No more aches. No more lethargy. I receive clear messages from my body that are not filtered through sugar and caffeine and processed foods. So when my body is tired, I rest. My energy doesn't spike as radically as it once did. I'm also better able to observe my emotions and try to understand where they originate rather than reacting and externalizing.

And I've also lost SIXTEEN POUNDS since the beginning of the year. For sure I attribute the weight loss to taking better care of myself and predominantly my diet. But I've also been able to see where my body clung to the excess weight for stability and grounding. I am feeling so much more grounded, and in response, my body is steadily shedding the excess weight. And unlocking more REAL energy; not the faux energy I've been flying on all these years.

Like everyone, I still have to work very hard to love myself and accept myself exactly as I am right now. It's easy to love yourself when you're at your ideal weight and your doing everything "right." The real struggle is accepting your own intrinsic value that is so much deeper than the outside package.

Like my yoga practice, I strive for just a millimeter of growth each day. A deeper glimmer of awareness. A stronger connection to atman.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!