I've been called many things in my life, both good and bad, but one thing I have never been accused of is being quiet, shy, silent, restrained, subdued, a woman of few words, mysterious ... Well you see where I am heading!
So it was pretty comical when I announced to my friends several months ago that I had submitted an application to be considered for a 10 day silent retreat. By silent, I mean: no talking, writing, reading, blogging, social media, music...no yoga(!), tobacco, intoxicants, physical contact, meat, meals after noon...AND up at 4 am and lights out at 9:30 p.m. each day.
There was a time not too long ago that I would have been baffled that one would choose to subject herself to such austere and ascetic conditions! However, my personal quest for detachment and equanimity mandates that I take some extreme measures to truly have the opportunity for self-knowledge without distractions.
During my recent trip to Saigon, while I was not totally detached from the world, I did put significant physical distance between myself and my daily habits and routine attachments. I found a peace within myself that I had never before experienced. In fact, upon returning from my travels, many people commented on my calm, serene presence. Maintaining my daily yoga and meditation practice has helped me to prolong such feelings, however, the magic has already begun to dissipate.
So I continue to avoid and cut out any negative energy and stress-inducing situations in my life. Of course, I realize that true peace and equanimity should be maintained in spite of negative energy and less than ideal circumstances - unfortunately, I cannot just drop everything and leave the country for a month each time someone starts working my nerves!
I am, however, at a crossroad in my journey. Two amazing blessings have been bestowed on me today! First, I auditioned for and received a regular weekly yoga class at a large, prestigious health club in the area (more on that later) AND I just learned today that I have been accepted for the next Vipassana retreat in Northern Illinois! So, here's the dilemma:
The course is from September 5-16, which is a direct conflict to: the beginning of Julian's middle school experience!; my brand new yoga class - I will miss two of the first classes!; my commitment to working on a political fundraising campaign; and, my birthday celebration (several people have held the weekend of the 14 and 15 at my insistence for the past few weeks)!!
The next several sessions offered already have waiting lists for attendance so it may be quite some time until I have this opportunity again. I feel that it is almost a test of my will: do I truly seek non-attachment and letting go in order to attain liberation: increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace?! Or do I continue to cling to the very things that ground me in the physical world? It seems almost ironic - here is the opportunity that I have been trying to attract into my life and it comes when other seeds that I have planted also begin to bear fruit ... any thoughts out there?
To be continued...
