Work That Body - Session Five

                                                      

Ok, the day after Session 4 (S4), which was a Friday evening session,  I had to teach four classes and then return that Saturday evening for Session 5 (S5). I was super angry most of that day. I could feel it churning in my gut; but all of that anger was accompanied by a bubbling of hostility, so it was in great company.

My trusty, calm Zen-like friend Eunju had offered weeks prior to drive me to S5, and fortunately for me, she was amused by the steady stream of hateful bitching and complaining I did about her driving, about Everett, about pretty much anything and everything that crossed my mind or my path.

I was pissed!!!! The only times I wasn't angry that day were when I was teaching and when I was eating. Fortunately for the world, I do a lot of both. 

So, I arrived at Everett's filled with a lot of energy needing to be released.  S5 begins by releasing tightness along the periphery of the abdominal wall which restricts the pelvis from above. This is followed by intensive work in the depths of the abdomen and pelvic bowl which is supposed to have a liberating effect on the whole structure and the breath. I will repeat. "intensive work in the depths of the abdomen and pelvic bowl." Fuck. You. Everett. <<< there's Angry Nadja again!!!

So, this is how I feel about this energy work: It's a roller coaster. Don't get on it if can't handle it. Of course you're afraid - that's part of the thrill. But once you step on, you're in it 'til the end. There's no timeouts on a roller coaster. Just strap yourself in and experience the thrills and dips and loops and butterflies and whatever else surfaces. You can't stop in the middle of it.

So what is there to say about S5? - Everett went in DEEP! After the initial neck, upper back and a light pass, we did some major work on releasing and lengthening my psoas and liberating my pelvis. I had some serious Matrix moments - I literally shouted several times, "Give me the fucking blue pill!" I could feel where my body has created some resistance to Everett. I am finding it harder and harder to fully relax my body to allow him into the depth. Even as I exhale, rather than releasing totally, a teeny part of me resists his fingers or knuckles or whatever the hell it is that he is using to dig to the depth of my soul. My solution to this is to yell out loud with the pain, as it satisfies my anger, facilitates an emotional release and relaxes my body to allow deeper access. Plus I just like to shout at the top of my lungs, and as an adult, those opportunities are few and far between.

As always, I emerge from his table in a much more calmer state. ON the table, I question my sanity; I give myself little pep talks; I remind myself what a badass I am; I scream out in pain. OFF the table, I feel so amazingly light in my body. Expansive. I can feel the prana flowing freely throughout my cells. I can breathe a full five liters of oxygen. And I feel fucking fantastic!!! And so calm and centered and grounded. 

Eunju returns after two hours of torture, and she cannot believe how calm, happy and relaxed I am! Of course, I hug Everett and thank him and tell him how magical he is. (after two hours of cursing him and acting like a bitch on his table).

So the two weeks following S5, walking felt really weird. Practicing yoga was even more bizarre - my poor pelvis felt schizophrenic - it didn't quite now what to do or how to behave! The first couple of days were amazing. Then starting that Tuesday, I was super annoyed and prickly. EVERYONE was getting on my fucking nerves. For several days, I felt like SHIT. Angry. Hopeless. Rage. Dark. 

FINALLY, after several days of this, I noticed a sense of calmness and space after a long day of teaching. My feet were still painful after the long day, but not as bad as usual. And I have been experiencing this amazing sensation of rooted connectedness to the Earth. One of the major realizations that I have had through this bodywork is that I have spent my entire life avoiding that rooting. I've always been so vata - filled with the air element - floating wherever I pleased, doing whatever I wanted - and avoiding and resenting like hell any people, authority or situations that felt like bondage to me. (I've been engaged 5 times and only married once, but that's an entirely different blog). I finally understand the importance of being firmly rooted on my own two feet. That being rooted does not equate to a loss of freedom or mobility but rather provides stability to float and fly with purpose and direction. True manifestation and actualization begins at the root chakra, muladhara.

So now, as I try to live with my new, liberated pelvis, my lower back muscles and glutes start to resist and tighten. Makes total sense, since this is the area targeted in Session 6. As  I prepare for S6, my concern is that Everett keeps talking about flattening out my ass. Does he not realize how many damn chair poses, warriors and crescent lunges it took to get this ass?!?

Photo Shoot with Robert Sturman

So, I had an opportunity to work with nationally renowned photographer Robert Sturman on a yoga photo shoot, and the experience was a huge reality check for me.

I'm Asian. I love pictures. Selfies. Group shots. Profile pics. Close - ups. Full length shots. Pictures of my food. My shoes. My pedicures. Endless pictures of myself doing yoga anywhere and everywhere.

 

So this situation should have been a dream come true for me! But, frankly, it wasn't.

 

And here's the raw truth. Somehow, since switching from politics to a career as a professional yoga instructor, I have packed a whopping 30 pounds on my (once) petite 5'2" frame. It is entirely irrelevant to this post on HOW that actually even happens. The point is that it did.

 

So. I've come face to face with reality, exactly as it is, not how I like to pretend it still is or it once was. 

As a yoga instructor, I see beauty EVERY where and in every single person that unrolls their mat. I tell students - and I absolutely mean it - how beautiful and amazing they are. How they are perfect exactly how they arrive on their mats. Right here, right now. I remind them to love and honor the amazing body that has carried them through life until this moment. 

And yet ... I was reluctant to take advantage of this opportunity. I tried to cancel the day before. Why? Why is it so hard to love ourselves exactly as we are? Why is it so much easier to see the beauty and light in others and so easy to find fault and imperfection and darkness in ourselves?

As the day of my photo shoot continued to unfold, it became clear to me that I was squandering the beauty of the moment. Wishing it away. Thinking it would be better and more meaningful if I was 30 pounds lighter. And suddenly, I realized that THIS was THE moment. This was the day that I would pose for Robert Sturman. And that's our lives. We'll never quite find the perfect set of circumstances aligned in our minds, but we have to embrace life anyway. Find gratitude in what we DO have. Trust that life gives us exactly what we NEED. 

So when the time arrived, I had a great conversation with Robert, who immediately put me at ease. We walked the grounds and finally settled on this beautiful tree shaped like Natarajasana. The ground held a slight decline so I rolled over in the mud a few times before I finally stuck the pose. 

It's just an image, a frozen fragment in time. And that's life. Single, perfect moments in time that are strung together to form our lives. It's time that's the most precious currency of life. Each moment. Each breath. That's the gift and blessing. Our challenge is to recognize and appreciate all of it as it unfolds, exactly as it unfolds, with nothing but gratitude and acceptance. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

Work That Body - Session Four

I was so excited after my intro session to Integral Bodywork; to feel my body more fully and with more awareness is part of the human experience. I also like to think of myself as a badass ... pain is mental; just breathe through it. But... as human beings, don't we spend our lives in the AVOIDANCE of pain? Pain certainly is inevitable, and if I must endure it, I can withstand it like a B-O-S-S. But why, oh why, would I go into a situation where pain is almost a certainty?

This was my dominating thought after completing Session Three. It is legitimately ok to stop after the third session or take a long, long, long break. My body was definitely shifting; I was still experiencing pain in my body, however. Releasing the pain that has been buried has been much more physical than emotional, to my surprise. Yoga has been a pathway for me to pierce through the physical layers and move toward deeper consciousness. I've found that experience has been enhanced greatly by this bodywork. While my body has been shedding physical pain, I have been having more frequent and longer lasting moments of gratitude, joy, Grace and bliss as the emotional release. This was another surprise, as I thought I'd have more crying jags from pain not happiness!

But I STILL needed some er, um, strong encouragement from Everett in order to progress to Sessions Four and Five. He never lies to me. Nor does he try to sweeten the truth. He told me that Sessions Four (S4) and Five (S5), which is really one long, intense session, are the deepest and will be the most challenging for me. It involves work on the inner legs and begins work on the abdomen. The purpose is to free the pelvis from the connective tissues in the legs below (S4) and from the tissues in the abdominal wall above (S5). He said that by the end of Session Five, my entire world will be turned upside down. I would be liberated. 

So S4 and S5 are scheduled closely together, because it can be unsettling to release only the bottom half of the pelvis without providing the stabilization of freeing the upper half. The interesting part is that after S4, I had to be up early the next day to teach four yoga classes prior to returning for S5. The makings of a perfect storm...

So days before S4, my body started to get restless. It's like my pelvis realized the inevitability of what was coming. The night before, as always, I couldn't sleep and watched several episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. yea, not my finest moment.

And because life unfolds perfectly, I serendipitously ended up having breakfast with Eunju Choi - that bitch who initially got me involved with this crazy bodywork. (I had this amazing taffy apple french toast!!! mmmmm) Eunju is the most calm, kind person, and it really was just what i needed to prepare for S4.

Well, my body had been experiencing a fair amount of pain between S3 and S4 - mainly my feet, my quadratus lumborum (low back) on the right side and my shoulder on the right side. So my thought was that through physical pain, I was burning away karma and shedding sanskaras. So with that logic, I approached S4 with the thought that it may not be painful; I'd already felt a lot of pain, so no expectations as I got onto Everett's table.

Well. It was such a lovely thought, however, the pain really seems to be intensifying. The best way to describe it is that it feels like the area Everett is working on is already tender and bruised, and then he applies mind-numbing amounts of pressure on the bruised area. In reality, Everett says he is really using lighter pressure, but my pain is on the surface so I feel it more keenly.

This bodywork is very challenging, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It requires sharp focus, intense breath work, a great commitment to discovering your truth, and a helluvalot of trust in Everett Ogawa.

So after the usual neck, shoulder, psoas softening, we went for it. Everett worked the insides of both of my legs ruthlessly. So, you can imagine how tender and vulnerable that area is. Now imagine that it was bruised and someone kept pressing into the bruises and making you extend and flex your knee and ankle joints. Heinous. This work is done from the tummy, the back and the sides. It is quite invasive and intimate, especially as he moves up the inner leg. Usually this type of contact is preceded with dinner, wine and maybe even some jewelry or new Jimmy Choos. And it usually doesn't make you want to kick a puppy across the room.

As I am on the table, I always wonder what the fudge I am doing! I say as much to Everett, and he's learned to ignore most of what I spew out on his table. It's never very nice. But then, he'll tell me to move to the middle of the table and breathe. That is the point where I gush at how magical he is. Because the truth is, it does seem like magic. You don't even know that you're not breathing fully and deeply through every cell in your body until you breathe fully and deeply through every cell in your body. Like all of the amazing moments in life, it can't be described; it must be experienced. And truly, we are all spiritual beings having this human experience. And I want to keenly FEEL as much as I can while I am here. Pain facilitates an appreciation of pleasure. It also purifies your mind and your body. It is part of the deal, and it is inescapable and inevitable. But, it also teaches us that we can be HAPPY even while experiencing pain and discomfort and less than ideal circumstances. Because happiness is totally independent of all of those things. It is a clear and conscious choice. And once you make that choice for yourself, it is absolute. Nothing can affect your choice, unless you allow it to happen.

So after liberating the lower half of my pelvis, Everett started work on my rectus abdominis muscles and the connective tissues to further free my pelvis. This was not as bad as the inner leg work, and he did a lighter pass as that area would be worked mercilessly in S5, which was in about 24 hours. 

After each session, you're supposed to take a hot bath with epsom salt, kosher salt and baking soda to pull additional toxins from your body. On this particular Friday evening, I went to King Spa and saunaed, jacuzzied and soaked out the toxins at their facility preceded by a yummy Korean meal of bulgogi and rice. After Friday evening traffic calmed down, I headed home to prepare to teach my four Saturday classes. This is such a far cry from my former party girl lifestyle!!! Who am I?!??

What I've Learned As a Yoga Teacher

I am a full-time yoga instructor. It is how I make my living. I cannot even begin to express how satisfying it is to parlay something that you love passionately into a career, especially when that career brings you into intimate contact with so many bright, amazing souls who are seeking the light. Yeah, I know; I know how that sounds. I cringe sometimes when I hear myself .... but honestly, I've given up worrying about sounding hokey or sounding like that craycray yoga lady. When you speak from your heart, it DOES resonate with people. Even if on the surface level, it strikes one as a bit corny; at the deepest level, it strikes a chord.

And let's face it - those who come to their mats, ARE, in fact, seeking something BEYOND the physical body. Otherwise, they would continue to run marathons and lift weights and keep prepping for some type of zombie apocalypse.

The beautiful, amazing thing about yoga is this: it meets you wherever you are! Some people are at the very physical level, and they need a physically challenging, mind-numbing, exhaustingly vigorous yoga practice. That's exactly where I started my practice. I was working like a maniac in politics, kicking ass and taking names, smoking Newports, drinking enough vodka to anesthetize a small horse, popping Adderall in the morning and Xanax or Ambien each night, seeking physical pleasures, and overall keeping things at an extremely superficial level. Which is exactly why I recognize that student when he or she walks into the studio.

Some students are older or injured; they can't and/or simply don't want to be pushed to their physical edge. These students are seeking a slower, deeper practice that is healing and comforting and restorative. That's exactly where I find myself today. After years of burning it at both ends in my former career, it took teaching 20+ yoga classes each week to FORCE me to slow down and acknowledge my physical limitations. I've had a string of injuries the past year that have caused physical limitations to my practice, which has been far more mentally and emotionally challenging than actually losing my physical practice. But the lesson - yes, there is always a lesson - for the first time in YEARS, I've been kind and gentle and forgiving of myself. Which is why I am able to extend that kindness and gentleness to others.

One thing I've learned in my two years as a professional yoga instructor is that it is a breeze to teach a fast-paced vinyasa class to a room full of physically fit twenty-somethings. My challenge is to continue to develop my teaching skills to create a safe space for each person, regardless of physical limitations, to explore, stretch and grow. To restore and heal and nourish. And I'm not talking about their bodies.

I am so blessed to earn a living connecting with people on such a relevant level. The physical, mental and emotional are all part of ONE HUMAN BEING. Yoga teaches us to integrate each aspect of ourselves and be aware of how each part affects the other. When we create space in our physical body, it manifests off our mats. We learn to create space surrounding negative circumstances and situations in our lives so we can see them more clearly. We release emotional traumas that have debilitated our progress and growth. We gain confidence, self-acceptance, patience, joy, tolerance, gratitude, humility, strength and a killer ass. But the real benefit of our yoga practice is peace in our hearts. That sense of peace, contentment and stillness is far more potent and powerful than any drop of alcohol or heart medication. We get out of our heads and into our bodies where we learn to heal ourselves.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is that each one of us is perfect exactly as we are. We don't need to fix or change ANYTHING. We must only peel away the barriers and defenses mechanisms built by our own egos so that we can reveal our true masterpieces within. And that, my friend, is what yoga is all about.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

Work That Body - Session Three

Nearly a month had passed between Session 1 and 3, mainly due to scheduling issues between both Everett and me. Unlike the first two sessions, I was NOT looking forward to the third one and even attempted to cancel it.  For the couple of days preceding Session Three, I was having difficulty sleeping and I was feeling a great deal of pain in my joints, particularly my hips and ankles. My entire body was achy and I was not in the highest of spirits.

I contacted Everett the morning of Session Three and told him I hadn't slept all night and my entire body was so achy and painful that I wasn't mentally prepared for more pain on his table. His response was that all of the pain is darkness coming to the surface, ready to be released. He said this was the best condition to be in for a session. That nobody said that going deeper was comfortable. He then instructed me to look inside: is there fear going on? When you start to go deep, big fear comes up. But he never once pressured me to keep my appointment that day.

Well. Of course I went - I don't like to think of myself as a quitter. But I was definitely not looking forward to it, knowing that there was the certainty of physical pain and discomfort awaiting me. I should definitely clarify that each person's experience is different. Some go through these sessions with very little discomfort and pain. Everett said that my pain is already at the surface while many people have theirs buried so deeply that they feel very little. He calls it karmically ripe.

So, as always, Everett started the session with light neck and psoas work. Then he got down to business. He started on my left side and worked all of the lateral edges of my body. I went in feeling trepidation with very low energy. After he released my left side, I felt an amazing rush of energy through my body and I literally lit up and felt like myself again! It was incredible; I walked through the door feeling very reserved and achy and tired and old. I stepped off the table and felt incredible lightness back in my body; I was bubbly, energetic ME again. And that was just one side. He told me to go take a look in the mirror, and my left shoulder was three inches lower than my right!  Rather than my shoulders getting higher, they were dropping down, creating space for my neck and upper back. He then worked the right side and finished with work on my hamstrings and my entire back body.

This session, again, was pretty painful, and Everett said that he was using very little pressure. After Session Three, I do feel taller, straighter and lighter. I feel more space in my body but also AROUND my body. I feel much more calm; balanced; content. My feet, particularly my heels, enjoy a rooted connectedness with the Earth. I feel longer, leaner and more IN my body.

Everett asked me to wait a few days before blogging this session to allow these shifting energies to settle. I woke up the next day feeling amazing and was very productive.  After each of these sessions, I become more focused and present in my body and in my life. I always have a flurry of productive activity for a few to several days when I leave Everett's table. 

About a week after the third session, I was feeling intense, throbbing, burning pain and sensation in my calves down to my feet. I thought part of it was from teaching five classes that day, standing on my flat feet without arch support, but the feelings were so intense.  I spoke with Everett late that night, and he said that my body was continuing to release pain and that all of the physical pain is a blessing. No, I didn't hang up on him. I listened intently because I have a great deal of respect for him and what he does to help people. 

He told me to let go of who I think I am. That this energy is now releasing on its own. Let it happen and watch what unfolds. He said that right now I am the smallest version of myself, and I should follow where this road leads without expectations.

About four days after that, I had another release. I was talking with a dear friend and fellow yogi, Haleh Putz after I taught a 75 minute hot vinyasa class; a real conversation from her heart chakra directly to mine.  I then took a vinyasa class and experienced  an outpouring of gratitude and joy and grace that literally burst my heart wide open and spilled off of my face. A feeling of extreme love and Grace lasted for several hours after that. 

Session Three provides an opportunity to end the sessions - quit while you're ahead! It also allows for a break before Sessions Four and Five which concentrate on the inner leg lines and then deep, deep work in the pelvic bowl and the entire abdomen. Everett says that the first three are merely prep work for the deep releasing that happens in the subsequent sessions. Child's play. *gulp*

I asked him if we could continue with sessions four and five in our next lifetimes.....