They say (you know, the infamous 'they' that say everything) that the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And since the majority of my four decades has unfolded on the precipice of cray cray, I've been easing back from the chasm and observing my habits and thought patterns.
So now that I've survived nearly two years of being between engagements/husbands, I am ready for a raw, honest post mortem on my past several relationships. Before I delve in, let me preface this exercise by pointing out that the biggest pattern that I have identified is that I have pretty much always been in a relationship. I've been a serial monogamist for the past 25 years of my life ... and generally repeating the same relationship over and over.
And I consider myself fortunate here, because there have been a few occasions over the past two years where I could have easily slipped back into that comfortable, secure, yet not quite right circumstance. But in these recent situations I chose to listen to my inner voice and take the time alone to really seek the truth and break the cycle.
Obviously, it's easy to love someone during the good times, especially in the romantic, exciting, exhilarating, uncertain beginning stages. The true test is loving that person when they are weak, when they are less than perfect, when they make mistakes and when their conscious choices end up disappointing or even hurting you.
As I look back over my series of long-term, loving, committed relationships, I now see where my ego played far too large of a role. Far too many times, it would get the best of me, and I realized that what I once attributed to hurt feelings was actually an injury to my ego more than anything else. And our nature as humans is to protect that ego, that self-image, at all costs. And more importantly, when we are driven by the ego, there is simply no true opportunity for love. The ego blocks our ability to allow our natural, loving state to flourish.
So what is unconditional love? Obviously we have it for our kids, parents, siblings and family members (or not!) - but that type of commitment seems to be less abundant in our primary relationships than our parents' generation... It just seems that it's so much easier to walk away and start fresh than stay and submit to true intimacy.
So here are my questions based on MY experiences:
Can I continue to love with an open heart in spite of a (perceived) betrayal? Can I lead with compassion and try to understand where the other person is in their journey and what their needs and/or deficiencies are? Rather than approaching the situation from a place of anger and pain, led by the ego, can I detach from the situation and observe my emotions dispassionately? Can I believe that that person is honestly doing the best they can from wherever they currently are on their path? Can I trust that the hurt they caused was not intentional. And with that knowledge and with understanding and compassion, can I make a conscious choice to forgive and move forward? Can I create a space for that person to be honest and communicate where they're coming from and why they made the decisions that they made? Can I speak candidly about how their decisions affected me without accusation or anger? and can we come to a deeper understanding of one another because of this shared experience?
Can I be vulnerable and share my pain and disappointment in the hopes that any mistakes made can be forgiven and can somehow strengthen the bond between us? Can I truly forgive and forget and move forward, striving for a deeper love? When we come to the realization that our own happiness is truly dependent on ourselves and we don't put pressure on another person to be the source of our happiness, we can make conscious choices on what we choose to accept in our life, who we allow to remain in our life. Can we truly accept someone for who they are: flawed, broken, human? And can we continue to love in spite of these weaknesses and imperfections? Can we be vulnerable enough to love unconditionally.
I believe if we can truly liberate ourselves from FEAR and the instinct to harden and protect our hearts, if we can learn to move from LOVE, then unconditional love will permeate not just our primary relationships, but all of our relationships and interactions with others.
After all, isn't that why we are all here? To love and serve and BE HAPPY!!!
Annica!! Annica!! Annica!!!
So now that I've survived nearly two years of being between engagements/husbands, I am ready for a raw, honest post mortem on my past several relationships. Before I delve in, let me preface this exercise by pointing out that the biggest pattern that I have identified is that I have pretty much always been in a relationship. I've been a serial monogamist for the past 25 years of my life ... and generally repeating the same relationship over and over.
And I consider myself fortunate here, because there have been a few occasions over the past two years where I could have easily slipped back into that comfortable, secure, yet not quite right circumstance. But in these recent situations I chose to listen to my inner voice and take the time alone to really seek the truth and break the cycle.
Obviously, it's easy to love someone during the good times, especially in the romantic, exciting, exhilarating, uncertain beginning stages. The true test is loving that person when they are weak, when they are less than perfect, when they make mistakes and when their conscious choices end up disappointing or even hurting you.
As I look back over my series of long-term, loving, committed relationships, I now see where my ego played far too large of a role. Far too many times, it would get the best of me, and I realized that what I once attributed to hurt feelings was actually an injury to my ego more than anything else. And our nature as humans is to protect that ego, that self-image, at all costs. And more importantly, when we are driven by the ego, there is simply no true opportunity for love. The ego blocks our ability to allow our natural, loving state to flourish.
So what is unconditional love? Obviously we have it for our kids, parents, siblings and family members (or not!) - but that type of commitment seems to be less abundant in our primary relationships than our parents' generation... It just seems that it's so much easier to walk away and start fresh than stay and submit to true intimacy.
So here are my questions based on MY experiences:
Can I continue to love with an open heart in spite of a (perceived) betrayal? Can I lead with compassion and try to understand where the other person is in their journey and what their needs and/or deficiencies are? Rather than approaching the situation from a place of anger and pain, led by the ego, can I detach from the situation and observe my emotions dispassionately? Can I believe that that person is honestly doing the best they can from wherever they currently are on their path? Can I trust that the hurt they caused was not intentional. And with that knowledge and with understanding and compassion, can I make a conscious choice to forgive and move forward? Can I create a space for that person to be honest and communicate where they're coming from and why they made the decisions that they made? Can I speak candidly about how their decisions affected me without accusation or anger? and can we come to a deeper understanding of one another because of this shared experience?
Can I be vulnerable and share my pain and disappointment in the hopes that any mistakes made can be forgiven and can somehow strengthen the bond between us? Can I truly forgive and forget and move forward, striving for a deeper love? When we come to the realization that our own happiness is truly dependent on ourselves and we don't put pressure on another person to be the source of our happiness, we can make conscious choices on what we choose to accept in our life, who we allow to remain in our life. Can we truly accept someone for who they are: flawed, broken, human? And can we continue to love in spite of these weaknesses and imperfections? Can we be vulnerable enough to love unconditionally.
I believe if we can truly liberate ourselves from FEAR and the instinct to harden and protect our hearts, if we can learn to move from LOVE, then unconditional love will permeate not just our primary relationships, but all of our relationships and interactions with others.
After all, isn't that why we are all here? To love and serve and BE HAPPY!!!
Annica!! Annica!! Annica!!!
