Friday, July 7, 2017

Dead Branches

                                        
                                         



I was walking in the forest preserve as I love to do these days. It helps me feel more connected to reality and to practice the art of mindfulness. For me, it's an attempt to EMPTY my mind - to mentally flatline so I can see and feel and hear and taste and smell what's REAL.

As I was admiring the magnificent sounds and sights all around me - especially the TREES! I could stare at their shapes and growth patterns and majesty for hours upon hours - I noticed a beautiful tree that was almost unremarkable amongst the legions of other trees where it grew. Except that it had a huge dead branch.

The dead branch just hung there, slung across much of the tree. Dead weight. Heavy. The image was the perfect analogy for knowing when to hold em, when to fold em. When to ... you know the song right?

Recently, there was someone who came into my life quite unexpectedly, and we became very close very quickly. A fast friendship that brought immense happiness and laughter and joy with it!

You've experienced that too, haven't you? In fact, many of my friendships and relationships begin with a spark and a bang! (Not necessarily that kind of bang, gee-zus - wtf is wrong with you?) 

It was such a blessing. Truly. Until it wasn't. 

I have come to believe through my personal experience that each chance encounter and connection is never an accident. It's always an opportunity to learn, grow and I think in this situation, this person came into my life to help me heal. 

Spending time with this person began to trigger some deeply rooted fears and long forgotten past situations that had never been dealt with and certainly never released or healed. 

Memories from my past surfaced that had been buried deeply. I've realized that most of my life has been experienced through a state of survival mode. Just getting through each day in tact with as little damage as possible. 

I think that's why we yogis oftentimes appear unstable and emotional. Because as we start to deprogram from the narratives that have been ingrained in us, as we open up and re-connect within, all of our "shit" surfaces. We are constantly dredging it up and trying to let it go. 

Relationships obviously have the same effect. The more vulnerable we become, the scarier it gets. And it's my job to look deeper and figure out how to fix myself. It's also my job to know when to pour more energy and hope into growing something beautiful or when to recognize the branch is already dead.  

Once I made the decision to sever the ties to this relationship, I felt an immediate lightness throughout my entire body. My heart, mind, shoulders; everything felt light. It was as if all the energy I was pouring into the dead branch was redirected back into my own body in order to heal. 

What had been a relationship that brought me back to life, had shifted dramatically into a source of sadness, confusion and just overall feelings of shittiness. 

There's no one to blame here. I think we both cared deeply for one another. And I of course still care deeply.  So much gratitude for this mate to my soul for elevating my consciousness and leading me towards healing. 

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

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