Like any dysfunctional, unhealthy coupling, there is always that strong magnetic pull that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, for some reason, KNOWING it is not right for us makes it that much more irresistible, pleasurable and delicious! In the back of your mind, you're always thinking, "Ok, this is the last time! I deserve it one more time before I completely walk away." "How could something that feels so good and natural be so wrong?" "I am in control of my life - I know what's best for me!" "I can walk away whenever I want to!" You get the idea...
And I really hate to categorize my relationships; as a yogini, I believe that these things should unfold naturally and organically! Who needs labels! But, if you insist, I guess we could refer to it as an addiction.
Isn't admitting it like the first of the 12 steps? Ok, here goes, "My name is Nadja and I am a smokaholic." There. I said it! So, clearly my Path to Purification has a huge roadblock dead smack in the center of the road. And this one has been an immense challenge for me! Like every smoker, I have "successfully" quit on several occasions, always cold turkey. But key to that process is making the mental decision and commitment...and for some reason, my mind has been resisting making that concession.
As my meditation practice deepens and my knowledge base has increased tremendously over the past three months via all of the books, articles, research and documentaries I am ingesting as part of my 200 hour yoga teacher training program, one would think that this mental process would be a "no-brainer." (pun intended).
Through studying the Buddha's teachings and his insight into attaining enlightenment, I have learned that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment is caused by the mind's reaction to any stimuli - either aversion or pleasure. Once that reaction is made and processed, we ideally should observe the feeling and then let it go ... focusing instead on the present moment through training the mind to focus on the breath.
Based on my past (temporary) successes in quitting smoking and armed with my new knowledge, one would think this would be a much easier exercise for me. After deeper introspection, I have observed that while I have made some very superficial, cosmetic changes in my lifestyle, my Path to Purification and Enlightenment has barely begun. Yes, I have been able to let go of certain attachments; walk away from situations and people that are no longer contributing to my happiness, growth and freedom; deepen my meditation practice; begin another new journey relating to my career; remove red meat from my diet to see if it resonates with my body and lifestyle; wean myself off of prescription sleeping pills; build more awareness surrounding how my actions affect those around me that I love and care for; and attempt to be more thoughtful and purposeful in my speech; however; saying I am a work in progress is truly an understatement.
Ok, the first 6 paragraphs were written a few days ago So, after writing the above entry, I quit smoking cold turkey! The key to quitting was not making a huge deal about it and over thinking it! I went on a date Saturday night, ran out of cigarettes and have not smoked since!!
Not even a ton of thought into it; I just keep telling myself each day that it's just for today. I can revisit this tomorrow. That's it. That simple. And I already have 3 full days under my belt!!
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