45

So I turned 45 years of age today. Everyone has been asking: "What are you doing for your birthday?" I know it's just a simple question, but it touches against an interesting place within me. The answer is that I'm going to have a typical Wednesday, teach both of my classes, blog a little bit, purge more stuff from my life, see my son after school; and all I really want to do is head to the city to take a yoga class with Carmen Aguilar. And then if I can be in bed like a normal adult by 11 p.m. - BIRTHDAY SUCCESS!!!

So funny how I think it's a disappointment to people. Obviously it's my birthday and I am spending it exactly how I want to, but I feel like my response should be that I'm doing something fabulous with my life and my birthday. Flying to Paris! Huge dinner with family and friends! Extravagant spa day! The truth is, my life is pretty sweet. I am finally at a stage in life where I'm really opening to the miracles and the love and the blessings that surround me each day. So while my birthday is a reminder of Tempis Fugit Carpe Diem Memento Mori, it is also just another day that I will try to enjoy and live with gratitude and humility and grace.

As I am typing this blog, I have more than  600 FB birthday messages! More than 30 texts and a dozen phone calls! What a great reminder that I am SURROUNDED by love each and every day of my life! My morning class brought with it flowers, breakfast, coconut water, coffee, birthday cards and the loveliest SOUL SISTER mantra band. So unexpected and such a reminder of my blessings.

A student greeted me HB at my noon class and asked, "Where are all of your friends? I thought this room would be packed!" And again I felt that tinge of not measuring up to her expectations. But I quickly brushed aside and thanked her for her greeting. It's a life long practice to accept our own worthiness and know that it is and always will be ENOUGH!! 

Since I've slowed down my lifestyle and as I've taken more and more time in solitude and quiet contemplation, I'm discovering a deeply introverted aspect of myself. Spending my birthday in peace and stillness and solitude is exactly what I need today, and it is my gift to myself! I spent my 41st birthday in a 10 day silent vipassana retreat - best gift I've ever given myself! 

Each day I strive to look for the good, look for the love. look for the reasons to be happy and to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That my thighs are the exact size they should be. That my stretch marks and dimpled skin are gorgeous. That there is abundance everywhere! That there is soooooo much love around me. Some days - ok who am I kidding - most days - I have to remember it's there behind the third time I lost my phone in my own house and had to go to work without it. It's underneath that super crabby person who just flipped me off in traffic. It's lurking beyond the annoyances and challenges and just plain BS!

The truth is that each challenge has the seeds of GROWTH and TRANSFORMATION and LETTING GO of the past. And my greatest teacher has been learning and practicing mindfulness and stillness and SILENCE! When we can slow down and be still and silent, all of the NOISE - especially the noise of our own crazy thoughts - recedes and here is the space we need for true healing and nourishment and guidance. Yet we run from it, we fill this inner wisdom with food and wine and activities and TV shows and Instagram and so many other distractions. Of course, none of those things are wrong or bad, but we can see how they are used at times as an AVOIDANCE of true joy and quiet gratitude.

My birthday wish is for YOU to know that you are here for a beautiful purpose far greater than you can imagine. To know that there are no accidents only lessons. To remember that each DAY each breath each moment is a GIFT! The biggest impact on our lives happens IN THIS MOMENT. Your past choices have already manifested into today's karma - where you are NOW is a result of what you have chosen in your past, so no need to relive it and re-open old wounds. Your FUTURE will be determined by what you say and think and do TODAY! THIS MOMENT is the seed of your future. And all we can each do is to look for happiness in EVERYTHING, feel LOVE for EVERYONE, feel GRATITUDE for each moment.

Annica! Annica! Annica! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!