Defining My Edge

This was an essay assignment for my 200 hour Yoga TT program:

How Do You Define the Edge in Your Life?

Living on the edge has practically been a way of life for me - not necessarily in a positive way! When I was younger, I was compelled to be that girl that would never back down from a dare, always trying to be bolder and braver than all the boys! I constantly toed and usually crossed the line that the adults set as boundaries. I was so rebellious, in fact, that my high school education took place halfway across the globe in Manila, Philippines, at an exclusive convent school run by Catholic nuns. Rather than be influenced by the strict, religious order, I ended up corrupting all of my friends. If it wasn't for the extensive connections of my wonderful, patient guardians, Poppa Sonny and Mamma Lyn (my Mom's sister), I would have been expelled.

After graduating high school, I returned to the States and continued my erratic, rebellious path at DePaul University and ultimately, my alma mater, Illinois State University, with a bit of a detour in between. I was constantly pushing the envelope and ultimately relying on my charm and persuasiveness to rectify sticky situations of my own creation. It didn't stop there! Most of my jobs, flight attendant, retail management, financial planning, all included an unhealthy dose of challenging authority.

Socially, it was the same thing. Always living on the edge with dating, friendships, "risky behavior" that I won't dwell on here. When my marriage fell apart (after three previous broken engagements), I still had not become introspective enough to question my attitudes and behaviors. I just felt that I could do anything I wanted to to anyone without consequence or thought. The repeated lesson that I was taking away was that things always worked out for me in the end, so I must be ok.

That's when I found yoga. Initially, it was strictly a physical practice. I enjoyed early success in yoga due to my natural flexibility and strength. It was years before my practice deepened, two jobs later, one more broken engagement, one more heart broken to add to my pile of people I had hurt, failed and disappointed. And here I am.

So what is living on the edge? To me, back then, it was living on the edge of conformity, surrender, selling out, growing up. It was freedom. It was resistance. It was living life on my terms, my way, with no regard to anyone else.

As my practice has deepened, I have been able to transcend the physical and connect to my inner truth. And the surprising and delightful personal discovery that I have stumbled upon, is that my true nature is in perfect conflict with all that I have pretended to be! In my own misguidance, I had 'sold out' myself!

What a humbling realization! My outward persona has been a perfect mask, some crazy defense mechanism, to protect my vulnerability, compassion, kindness that I have always identified as weakness. My aggressive behavior, has in truth caused the greatest hurt and damage to myself in the long run.

So what is my current edge? It's in finding the strength, grace, bravery and humility to live my truth. To transcend my ego and speak my truth with honesty, candor and faith that who I am is good enough. In embracing my feminine, yin attributes, rather than trying to cultivate masculine, yang characteristics. That the only thing that really matters is in how kind, loving, humble, vulnerable I am to others. In being authentic and not pretending I am anyone but me. In allowing my true nature and inner light to shine. In detaching from my ego, material possessions and even my fears and insecurities. In allowing my identity to be defined by my conduct, respect for others and in how I can serve. In following this path, I seek enlightenment, freedom from suffering and an equanimous existence.